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Thread: Big difference between her moving on and her letting go of me

  1. #1

    Big difference between her moving on and her letting go of me

    My ex-girlfriend came out as lesbian last year, ending our several year relationship. We continued living together because our split was amicable: it wasn't my fault or anything I did. I personally think she's still fluid/bi based on some things she's said, but right now she's exploring her gay side and I'm supportive of that. She wouldn't have been happy if she never got the chance. We still get along great, and we're best friends. She's since gotten a girlfriend, but she says it's not serious (more of a "right now" thing) and confides in me about her relationship problems.

    The thing is, she occasionally says things that make me think she still sees a future with me. She said she never wants us to live apart, and that she'd never date anyone who wasn't OK with me being so close to her. When her new girlfriend asked if she thought we'd get back together, she hesitantly said "Nnnno... but if that ever happened, we'd have a long talk about it." She told me she wishes her girlfriend communicated like I do, and she's not used to being with someone who isn't me. Recently they had an argument, and she told me she needs to be with someone on her level - "like you". She then said sometimes she wishes I was a woman because I'd be her ideal partner. I expressed that if she ever felt OK about being with a guy again and I'm still available, we can try again. She didn't seem opposed but didn't say much. She's also still pretty affectionate and gives me big hugs on a daily basis, and told me I'm nice to come home to.

    So even though she's "moved on" to someone else, I don't think she's "let go" of me. Even my therapist thinks she's still very emotionally attached, and that we'll get closer if her current relationship dissolves and I stay calm and connected. I'm not holding out hope, and I'm going to work on myself for a while before thinking of dating anyone again, but it really seems like she's left a door open. I know I'll always love her - that's just a part of me, not an inability to move on - and I know she's not just messing with my head or playing with me, because she doesn't do that. But I have to say these comments are a bit confusing - and I think she's very confused too, because this is all so new to her. I'm trying not to take it to heart, because I know we can't have something right now (despite girl problems, she's still enjoying herself), but it's hard not to indulge the things she says. I'm not quite sure how to handle it. It's not stopping my progress, but it does make me wonder if there's still something there despite her orientation.

  2. #2
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    I would strongly encourage you two to start living apart.

    The idea of always living together is plain nonsense. Most people you both go on to date are not going to be okay with you living together. Your ex says she wouldn't date someone who had a problem with it, but I call malarkey. When she meet someone who truly knocks her socks off, the probability is very high that she will start enforcing more boundaries between you two and start distancing herself. She just hasn't met that person yet.

    I agree with your therapist that she is still emotionally attached to you. However, that doesn't mean she still harbors a romantic attachment. Those are two different things. You are best friend and she depends on your companionship, hence the hugs and enjoying coming home to you. You're in the Friend Zone. It might not sting too much because she's dating other women somewhat casually, but what happens if she actually falls in love with one of them? Or meets a new guy who catches her interest? To be clear, I don't think she has malicious intentions with you. I think she is simply navigating completely new terrain in her life, it's somewhat anxiety-inducing in her, and you are familiar and "safe." That doesn't mean a romantic relationship will necessarily be viable in the future.

    I would make plans to move out. Living with her isn't healthy at this point, for either of you. You're setting yourselves up for a total emotional gongshow if you continue to play house while broken up, with you being the one most likely to get hurt.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Why do so many people keep living with exes after the break up? It's dysfunctional and prevents people from finding someone with healthy boundaries (most people with boundaries wouldn't date someone living with their ex). I really can't understand the logic. Even the "it's for financial reasons"... well get another roommate.

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    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    It makes no sense to continue living with an ex, amicable or not. It puts you in a limbo hell and stunts your ability to move your focus FORward.

    Every move for any reason has financial consequences. Using that as an excuse to stay entangled with an ex is lame and won't buy you any healing.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    So you are not really broken up. You are still living and acting like a couple. You basically just opened the relationship so she can include women. It's just that now you are the male-girlfriend and her lover is the female-girlfriend.

    Not sure why your therapist is speculating about this or the odds that she's resume sex/exclusivity with you. Isn't up to you to decide how attached You are to this and the hopes that this is just a phase/experiment, whatever for her? First be honest with yourself.
    Originally Posted by oceanmachine
    she occasionally says things that make me think she still sees a future with me. She said she never wants us to live apart. I expressed that if she ever felt OK about being with a guy again and I'm still available, we can try again. She's also still pretty affectionate and gives me big hugs on a daily basis, and told me I'm nice to come home to.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    It's not her who isn't letting go, OP, it's just you.

    You are choosing to stay living in this very awkward and dysfunctional situation thus preventing yourself from actually taking the necessary steps to start getting over the break up, heal, move on, and eventually start dating again. You are definitively preventing yourself from even having a chance at finding a healthy partner and a healthy relationship in the future as people will not put up with this kind of a living arrangement, not to mention emotional triangle. Stop lying to yourself how you are totally OK with this break up when in reality, you are hanging around hoping she'll come around. Your therapist isn't helping either in that it sounds like they are actually promoting this nonsense.....or you are simply choosing to interpret what they are saying this way.

    What you are actually doing is what so many people want to do after getting dumped - hang on and hang around clinging on for dear life, hoping that eventually the dumper will see your greatness, get over their issues and come back to you so you can both ride off into the sunset together. How it actually works out is that the dumper will use you to get over you and yes, one day she'll meet the next great love and tell you to get out rather abruptly and that will be like a whole second break up for you but much worse. It will finally hit you hard how much of your time and life you've wasted waiting around only to get slapped with a "leave already".

  8. #7
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    My ex would have loved for me to remain in his life. That way he would have someone he could go to for sympathy, an ego boost, attention, companionship, etc. whenever he felt he was lacking any of those things.

    He would compliment me and say things ("No one knows me the way you do! You are always to cool and easy to get along with! You are still so hot!") that someone might think would indicate he'd consider reconciling. But he really wasn't.

    The question is...is lurking around hoping she eventually changes her mind and chooses you good for you? It does keep your hope alive, but at what cost? How is it fair she gets everything she wants and you are left holding the "hoping" bag?

    I disagree with your therapist. Lurking around and giving her everything she wants is an attraction KILLER, not builder. You will be viewed as easy, as no challenge, as a doormat. None of those things are attractive.

  9. #8
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    I am tired of people giving people a "Pass" because they come out. Nope. She should be treated as anyone who leaves you for someone else and you should not put up with this living arrangement. What if she told you not that she "wanted to explore her gay side" but that she always wanted to be with a much older man and she wanted the chance to play out the sugar daddy/baby thing for awhile? Oh heck no - if she wants to explore her sexuality in a way that doesn't directly involve you - then heck no - she is out on the curb. It doesn't mean that you had to have a stormy breakup - but its about self respect. She is playing you - she still has you on a string while she cheats (because i am sure she already had someone lined up) promising you all these things.

    Have some self respect and kick her out or you move. This is nuts.
    She is either with you in a relationship exclusively or she is a lesbian or bi who is dating women. She can't be both and you can't let her. You need to put your foot down and end this nonsense.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I am tired of people giving people a "Pass" because they come out. Nope.
    Right?!
    I want to ask the poster, would you feel any differently if she was with another man?
    Just curious.

  11. #10
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    Time to part, find a new girlfriend. Do NOT be someone's Agony Aunt whom you used to be romantically attached to.

    Move out!

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