She dumped me after a fight, now she is sorry, what to do ?

Hi everyone, I'll try to explain my situation shortly. I'm 29, divorced 3 years ago from incompatibility reasons. She is 33 and has been in a lot of abusive relationships before. We met 7 months ago and hooked up at the very same day we met. The connection was so strong. We had around 15 days together and then she had to leave for work for about 3 months. 3 months ago she comes back and lived with me in my studio apartment for about 5 weeks. The time we had was fantastic and amazing, truly twin flame connection. We both agreed on being exclusive and really had the best time while together.

About 6 weeks ago she had to leave again and we agreed on being in a long distance relationship. We have done great on keeping the contact, connection and attraction. However, I do have some jealousy issues and some times I bring up situations to her where I feel insecure. I never really say things in a violent way, but in a sweet way so we can discuss about.

It was all fine, but yesterday at night, she tells me she was going to a party with 2 other guys (which she never mentioned), and the party was in another town, around 2h drive from where she was. Until there it was ok, a little jealousy came inside me but I kept it to myself. But then, I asked her where she was going to sleep, and she said she didn't know. So then I told her that that was not very appropriate for someone in a relationship to go out partying and not know where she would sleep. Long story short, we started arguing and things just escalated to a point where she decided to not go cause she didn't wanted to upset me. The conversation started to get weird and weird. She then started telling me all the times that I was controlling and jealous with similar situations, and just went very cold. She then decides to break up and say she doesn't see the relationship working in a long term. that was around 2AM yesterday. She then started ignoring me completely and just acting very cold. I'd basically wrote her 50 words to get 1 back. At the end I just accepted her decision and told her I respected her decision and the time we had together was truly amazing and I'd never forget, and wish her all the happiness she could have.

I cried a lot before going to bed around 4am, and woke up at 7:30am to go to work this morning. Today I was a bit sad and tired but somehow accepting the break up and willing to start my process of moving on. We didn't say anything to each other the whole day, and I was not planning to contact her anytime soon.

Then, 1 hour ago, 21h after she broke up with me, she sends me an email, saying how sorry she is for everything that she said, that she was just stressed and discharge all on me, and that she is felling terribly, and that she just really wanted to go back in time. But she also state that she is not expecting anything back from me by sending this message, but just say sorry.

I'm very confused on what to do, in my opinion, its called a breakup because is broken, and I shouldn't really take a dumper back and be have my values in a higher position. However this was really the only time that we had a bad fight, and we both love each other a lot.

My question is, what would you guys to in my position? Should I be cold and just stick with the break up? Should I send an email and tell her that im sorry too and I'd like to work things out? Or ignore her completely for a few days?

I'm very confused at the moment.

Thanks a lot in advance.

Boy, you're a piece of work. You're demanding and controlling, (probably angry and sarcastic), insecure and jealous, and you don't seem to realize it. And you apparently can't bring yourself to apologize to this poor girl so you won't even answer her back because of your high values.

The answer is simple. You shouldn't be in a relationship. Stay broken up.

The explanation is that you need to trust each other in a long-distance relationship, and you shouldn't be trying to control what she is doing and who she is going with. You're not her mom or dad. And to lecture a 33-year-old girl that it's not appropriate to go to a party when she's in a relationship is just downright offensive. I believe her when she told you that this isn't the first time you've done something like this. People who are controlling and demanding are usually controlling and demanding throughout their lives and relationships. And she should probably recognize this because these are signs of an abusive relationship and she's been in some.

Any sane boyfriend would have told her to be careful, have fun, and make sure she checks into a hotel room for the night or stay with a friend. You instantly jumped to visions of her getting drunk and having an orgy.

You need to address your anger, jealousy and negative emotions. You probably could win her back, especially if you apologize and promise to be a better person -- and YOU MEAN IT! (In cases of emotional abuse, the abuser always promises to change but never does.) But you don't even seem interested in her anymore.

So move on and consider seeing a counselor or a therapist about your insecurity, jealousy and lack of trust in relationships. This probably isn't the first time your emotions got the better of you.

I'm 29.... She is 33 ....

 

About 6 weeks ago she had to leave again and we agreed on being in a long distance relationship. ... I told her that that was not very appropriate for someone in a relationship to go out partying and not know where she would sleep. . She then decides to break up and say she doesn't see the relationship working in a long term..

 

Then,... she sends me an email, . she just really wanted to go back in time. But she also state that she is not expecting anything back from me by sending this message, but just say sorry.

 

..

Given her age it would probably not be unreasonable to think that she is capable of finding a cheap motel room (or a free sofa) on the way to the party. So yes it sounds a bit controlling.

LDRs are hard, and comments here suggest they only work if there is a definite plan to remove the distance aspect.

Her message is not in my opinion a breadcrumb delivered months later. Coming within a day its still part of the conversation. 'She just really wanted to go back in time' could mean she wished the whole argument never happened, and wishes you were still together, or she wished it hadn't happened because it killed the relationship for her. Or maybe she means something else.

I suggest you arrange a good time to call her on skype and discuss -

1. What does she mean?

If the answer is to continue the relationship - then -

2. What you are going to do about your control behaviors - have you ever seen someone to learn some cognitive techniques to stop yourself?

3. What are you going to do together to reduce the LD - is it possible for the two of you to jointly pay for an airline ticket for one of you to travel to the other's location for a few days in the middle of the three months?

4. Is your joint situation amenable to a definite plan for someone or bth to relocate to remove the LD?

If the answer is she is finished with it, then politely terminate the conversation and apply no contact.

DanZee, thank you so much for sharing your opinion. I do recognize that I'm jealous and insecure, and also have done therapy for this already and improved a lot of it. However this is something i carry from my childhood, from seem my dad acting towards my mom, soap operas on TV (I'm from Brazil), friends parents etc. It's very hard to get a rid of those behaviours. I agree with what you say about apologizing to her and perhaps letting her find someone better. Thank you for the kind words, probably the best piece of advise I read today.

Thank you RayRay63, it's very hard to know what she meant. She was pretty decided yesterday, and we really never had any argues about this. Every time that I brought up an insecurity issue, we both handled it pretty well and graciously, non-violent communication. Also, we had plans to move in together in 6 weeks from now for good. ending the LD. but then she decided to break up and I'm confused now.

Was she asking to fix things? Because from what I read, it sounds as though she is sorry but no mention of actually getting back together.

If you do want to fix this though, I would recommend replying back to her. It all depends on how you feel and also if she actually meant she wanted to get back together.

Yes, you have jealousy issues, however it did sound odd that she was partying like that and couldn't say where she'd be sleeping.

Who goes off with two guys?!?

Sorry, but I think it's odd in my opinion. Does she not have women friends to go away with like that?

Maybe she ought to grow up.

Bottom line is, I don't think it was all your fault and I think anyone in a similar position would have been wondering what the heck was going on.

But if you think this is salvageable then yes, message her and talk things out. Both of you need to address your issues though in order to not have them reoccur.

...we had plans to move in together in 6 weeks from now for good. ending the LD. but then she decided to break up and I'm confused now.

Then I suggest you un-confuse yourself, by having a conversation with her and finding out exactly what she is saying.

Maybe the answer to this is to have the next six weeks apart, you work on yourself, and then start again when she gets back to town - if you both want to.

If someone's coping skills are lousy enough to break up over the first conflict, I'd consider keeping it that way to be my best strategy.

How do you bring up jealousy and insecurity "in a sweet way"???

I bet she didn't think the way you expressed your distrust was so sweet.

And blaming soap operas for being jealous and insecure? That's a new one for sure.

If you have no plans to implement the strategies you learned in therapy to deal with your insecurity and distrust, this relationship has no chance of succeeding.

right now you need to work on your own personal issues of jealousy and controlling (aka your insecurities). that's more important and more necessary before you can be in a successful relationship. so work on that now first... relationship can come later. good luck to you.

Different take here. From the way you describe your relationship and the pace of it, I'm sorry OP, but she sounds like she has issues a qualified psychiatrist would be interested in. This is not to be taken as you need to get back with her and try to fix her or save her. Quite the contrary - she needs to stay single and fix herself as only she can fix herself.

I don't see your concern as over the top jealous. Actually wondering where she would be staying is a valid concern and a valid question to ask when you are in an exclusive relationship. It's called having boundaries. If she wants to run around with guys partying who knows where, she should just be single and enjoy herself. Expecting an SO to be perfectly fine with that is quite frankly asking for a lot and she'd be hard pressed to find someone who would be comfortable with that. Her response and reaction was shady.

Bottom line is that this has volatile and toxic written all over it. You do not want to get into an on again/off again highs and lows situation no matter how exciting and addictive it may be. Better that you just get over her and move on. She really sounds like a bullet dodged.

But she also state that she is not expecting anything back from me by sending this message, but just say sorry.

She sent you a thoughtful letter and ended by stating she didn't want a response and she wanted to let you know she is sorry.

I know you are desperately trying to figure out what to do, but there isn't anything.

If she was to return, she will do so on her own and she knows where to find you.

I know that's probably not what you want to here, but respect her decision the let this go.