Dealing with Regret

Hi Everyone,

I'm sorry, this is going to be very long. I've tried not to make a new thread about this topic since it has been so long and I am ashamed that I am not "over" this breaks up yet. I use the quotations because, to be honest, I don't know what is happening. I don't know if it's that I regret the mistakes I made in the past relationship, if I regret reaching out a year after NC to tie up loose ends and getting blocked with no response, or if I simply need something to be upset about (the uncomfortable comfortable, I call it).

I've posted about this relationship before, but the Coles notes of it are that I dated a man freshly out of a marriage (separated 4 months at the time, although he told me it was longer) and after a relationship full of ups and downs. If I'm honest, there were more valleys than peaks. Looking back, he was extremely raw and vulnerable (as most newly separated/divorced men are), and I found this intoxicating. As a therapist myself, I think I have a hard time leaving that role at work. Or perhaps I picked the work based on an innate desire to please/heal. Who knows. Anyway, I painfully did my best to help him process and heal from his separation, a role I have since realized was terribly wrong to play. He shouldn't have asked me to, and I shouldn't have accepted it. In this relationship, I found myself sacrificing all my boundaries, self-worth, mental well-being, literally everything to make it work. To this day, I don't really know why I did this. My mother was going through treatment of terminal cancer (which she has miraculously recovered from with a stem cell transplant), but at the time we did not think she would make it. I think because of that, I wanted to show her once and for all that I was in a relationship, so she didn't have to go worrying I was alone.

However, the harder I tried to make this relationship work, the further it pushed him away. The more he began to disvalue me, the more he began to mistreat me emotionally. Once my mother's health improved and I finished a rigorous two-year residency, I decided to end the relationship, travel abroad, and reboot my system. I was terribly afraid to go alone and to end a relationship I so desperately wanted to continue, but I knew it was the best thing for me. I still look back on that trip as a sort of homecoming to myself, even though I was miles away from home. However, when I came back, my reluctant non-boyfriend had miraculously gotten a divorce, something I thought he would never go through with. (Backstory: he cheated, begged for her back, she wouldn't take him back, but also wouldn't say she wanted to divorce). He asked for another chance. I was not initially interested when I arrived back home, however, after some feeling lonely post-travelling, I said I was willing to see him again.

After realizing that although he was now legally divorced, he was no closer to committing, I decided to end the relationship again. This time, I told him I had met another man who had expressed interest in being with me and I wanted to date someone ready for a real relationship. He accepted this at first, but a few days later pleaded for me back, told me he was willing to commit and close down all dating apps to be with me exclusively as he experienced "stronger feelings than he had for anyone in a long time' and didn't want to let me go without a fight. I stupidly agreed to proceed with him. Perhaps I regret this too. I felt this man had yanked me around quite enough already, but he and my friends told me I had no right to rush a man for commitment, especially one so freshly out of a marriage. Perhaps they were right. But at the same time, he always asked me to stay when I tried to leave, to find someone who was ready. I think this is what I am most resentful about.

Of course, this did not have a happy ending. It was very good at first, but maybe too good. We spent almost all our free time together, even during the work week we would have lunch together. We ate together, got ready together, slept together every night. It was as if we jumped into a marriage. During this time, I truly tried to make this relationship work, but deep down I was drained and insecure about trusting him. The very first time he called me his girlfriend and went out for a proper date as a couple, we had an explosive fight afterwards. I don't fully remember the night, but what I do remember, is that after dinner we went out with some of my friends to a shady club/rave, and had too much to drink (as well as other substances that I don't normally partake in). I remember not being in a clear state and emotionally volatile. I remember thinking that he was not attending to me enough that night and was instead focused on being the life of the party. I remember feeling abandoned by him, and not cared for, but I do not know how much of this was truly valid and how much wasn't. In the end, I went on an angry tirade and let all my resentment that had been building over the year come out. I remember bits and pieces of saying that he was selfish, that he never should have leaned on me through his divorce, that having me be present while he called her to beg for forgiveness over and over was weak, that it was no wonder she would want to leave him. I regret saying these things in this way to this day.

After that night, I did my best to make amends, to beg for forgiveness. I begged him to forget about the ending of that night, that it was an unfiltered and unhinged version of myself due to the substances. He told me that he didn't think he could forgive what I had said, that he couldn't be emotionally vulnerable with me anymore and that his friends told him I was crazy. I asked why he had told his friends about that night, to which he said he had every right to. Which I suppose it true, but if the roles were reversed, I would not have for fear they would not understand and judge. Which is exactly what his friends did. The next two months were utter hell for me, as we were back to this limbo of are they or aren't they, while I beat myself up over and over about that night. Wondering if I hadn't have acted that way, would we still be together? And so on.

In the end, while I was working as hard as I could to make amends to him and resolve what had happened, he had already begun dating again. The further invested I became to heal what was broken between us, the more checked out he became. One day he told me he didn't think we would work as a couple, that after everything that had happened and that I had done, we could no longer be vulnerable with each other. And because of this, he was going to begin going on dating apps again and seeing others. I was devastated, but also too drained to fight anymore. I truly believed that he would do what he had always done, take a break from 'us', see there were no better women out there for him, and return. However, this time he did not. He began seeing a woman while seeing me. He lied to me about this, and in the end painted me as a crazy non-girlfriend that wouldn't let go. He cruelly told me that I could not call or see him anymore, as the new girl he was seeing didn't like it. This was after we had spent 4 days together straight. Just like that, it was over, and I did not contact him again. He did, however, intermittently inform me how much better he treated this new person as if it was just as normal as talking about the weather. This is the part I am most ashamed about. A few months later when I found out about the overlapping timeline and against my better judgement, I messaged this new girl informing her simply that. I told her I would have wanted to know if it was me. I truly wish someone could have protected me from him, of what happened to me. She replied that she knew that he had been seeing me, and they were not exclusive at that time. She apologized that he had lied and mistreated to me. Perhaps she was sincere, who knows. I chose to leave it at that.

Almost a year after this, I regretted what I had done, as at that point I believe I had let my anger and resentment go. I took responsibility for my 50% of what happened, of how I let someone negate my boundaries. I decided to fully wrap up that chapter in my life, I would send him a final message. Apologizing for what I believe I had done wrong during and after the breakup, and wishing him well. I'm not sure why I expected it to go any differently than it did. He blocked me without a single word back. What I can't seem to understand about myself is why after this happened, did I become obsessed/disturbed by the whole thing all over again? Prior to me sending this apology, I barely thought of this horrible relationship. It's as if me sending that, and his reaction, somehow reopened the wound all over again.

And now, I am looking for advice on how to resolve this. How can I let go of the many regrets I feel, the biggest now being that I sent this message and made it seem like I accepted all the blame in what went wrong, and that I was okay with him abusing and using me? I can't seem to forgive myself for this, that after everything he had done, I never once held him accountable for it. I never even once told him how much pain he had caused me in the end. Instead, I did the opposite. I let him believe not only did he not do anything wrong, but that I was okay with it.

I'm sure this all has very little to do with this actual person, who I believe I did not ever actually know very well. I'm certain this has to do more with me, and my past, but I don't know how to connect the dots. I want so desperately to move past all of this, to never think of him or her again, to completely erase them from my present. However, my unconscious mind goes to these thoughts when I am not actively distracting myself with something else. This is particularly damaging to my current relationship. Although it is currently a very long distance relationship, I'm certain he can pick up on something not being right with me and I feel awful for having to harbour this inside. Is there a way I can truly get over this regret and finally move once and for all? Or did I lose my chance after I betrayed myself and broke NC?

I have racked my brain over and over trying to figure out why I even care about this at all, after so much time has passed. That my life is so much better now (passed my licensing exam, opened up my own business, completely sober, much better relationship-minus the distance, better friends, etc.) than it was back then and can only come up with a few ideas. 1) My brain/psyche is simply too used to being upset about something all the time, and this is easy material, 2) the shame I feel about how I acted in the relationship (i.e., having no boundaries, allowing him to mistreat me and telling his/our friends negative things about me), and 3) that somehow I still wish I was with this person. The last option seems the most absurd to me, but perhaps there is some ridiculous truth to it. I really don't know anymore.

Is there anything I can do to get over this whole disturbing chapter of my life once and for all?

You don't wish to be with him. Maybe you want to have another shot with him just to show that you are not the person who acted a bit 'crazy' through the break up and begged, pleaded, etc. As you suggested yourself, this has little to do with him and lot to do with you.

From what you described, you seem to be a nice and generous person. A person who cares about other people's feelings. I'm sorry to say but people like you (and I can relate) are sometimes easily walked over by people who are self-centered and care little about other people's feelings. Maybe you have been 'walked over' before? Maybe all the apologising too much without needing to apologise, the begging, pleading, bring you shame. But that shame is maybe related to other events in your past. You gave him a lot of power, much more than he deserved. You put yourself in a position of low self-worth. Which I think also contributed to the shame and, again, might be related to your past or how you've been seeing yourself lately and especially right before meeting him.

The fact you mentioned that your mum would be happy to go while seeing that you were dating, maybe she had expressed concerns about this before. Maybe she was worried about you not being happy. Or you thought you were not good enough because you didn't have a boyfriend. And you ended up acting exactly like that. Like someone who doesn't think is worthy of a relationship or just being happy.

I can relate to your story and how you feel about yourself. I had a break up from a very short and intense fling that led me to act exactly like you. I ended up discovering, like you, that the whole thing was about me and not the other person. I was shattered because I acted like I was not deserving of her. Trying to be nice, trying to please. Apologising for my 'mistakes' while she never apologised for anything. Not because I like pleasing or apologising but because I thought that was one way to make things 'equal'. Like I owed her something, for feeling deep inside, that she was better than me and I was not deserving of her of even of just deserving of being in a happy relationship.

It's ok to feel shame, it's ok to feel bad about trying to reconnect with someone who 'walked over' you just to get rejected again. I even sense that you're still protecting him a lot in your story. You did a lot for him and it doesn't look like he did a lot for you back. Yes, you were being a bit co-dependent and tried to save this guy, which is a recipe for failure. And he was still hung up on his ex, so he was never in a position to give you not even close to what you were giving him emotionally.

My opinion is that the only way to get out of that hole is to acknowledge that you had little self-respect and self-worth through this relationship and break up. That you probably still do, even after a whole year. I mean, a person who is confident of herself would never have dated a guy like this in the first place. He was fresh out of a separation and working through divorce. Just acknowledge that. You knew the red flags but insisted, maybe you were a bit desperate to find love, maybe, again, you felt undeserving of love. Also acknowledge that a person who is confident in herself would not try to reason with him an year after the break up (apologising again and letting him know you're still pinning), giving him a power that he just shouldn't have over you.

After acknowledging all of that, try to think of steps to change that. So you don't act like that again. So you know what you can bring to a relationship, your qualities, your worth. It might take some working on yourself to get to a point you actually feel like that. But I tell you, it's worthwhile! Once you worked on yourself enough, physically, mentally, spiritually (if you're like that), you'll see that relationships with 'broken' people won't be that appealing to you anymore. You'll look at this past version of you and will just understand that your actions were coming from a place of insecurity and fear. That the only reason why you ended up dating (and pursuing a year after the break up) a guy like him, emotionally unavailable, was because you didn't think you were worthy of something better. A true relationship where both parts invest in it and not one-sided like yours was. And you'll know that your next relationship will be SO MUCH better than the last one, because the break up was the event you needed to help you identify your shortcomings and work on them. It's never too late.

After you 'figure out' your past, just close that book and think about the present and the future. Think about the work you can do now and how it will give you daily improvements. Your interactions with people will continue to improve while you get your self-worth back. People will start noticing your confidence and even unconsciously, you'll repel people like your ex. You will start attracting different people to your life, as friends or as dates. Through your confidence (and setting firm and healthy boundaries), you'll show people how you want to be treated and, trust me, they will start treating you the way you want them to. But it will be a long process, so you have to be patient and believe in yourself. One day after another. There's no shortcut to success.

Just be glad you already know this is about YOU and not him. It's a great first step. It shows there's nothing to be gained in keeping thinking about him. He's just a fantasy now, after a whole year. Now it's time to work on you and get better! Cheering for you :)

OK. Well, luckily, you posted a much clearer version of your story last March (https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=530544) which described what was going on much better than your current post. However, there was a lot of good advice given in that thread and I think you should re-read the advice there.

You are horribly overthinking everything about your relationship, blaming your ex for emotional abuse, that he devalued you, wouldn't commit to you, and so forth. I don't really see any evidence he did all these things, and I think you've made mountains out of molehills in your mind. Quite honestly, you did act like a crazy girlfriend, and then afterwards like a crazy ex-girlfriend. You admit that taking high doses of adderall wasn't good for the relationship and that you had similar relationship issues before, as well as problems with your mother being emotionally unavailable when you were young. If you're still taking medications, this might be the reason for your hyperactive thinking.

I'm concerned that now you're having an LDR, and although you've actually met the guy, you've chosen to be with someone who is not physically available all the time. It sounds like you're repeating your previous relationship pattern. I'm afraid if he's a little slow to answer your texts, you may take it as rejection and start the cycle over again of pushing him away by being overly-clingy and controlling. The chance of miscommunication is much greater with online relationships.

As for whatever regret you're feeling, stop contacting your ex. No Contact. Period. He's moved on and so should you. Don't try to get his attention. And stop second-guessing the relationship. Also you have to accept that you did act crazy and you did hook up with a married guy. (There's that relationship unavailability again.) And you did break up the relationship (twice). He didn't. In fact, he actually got a divorce trying to get back with you.

So the bottom line is concentrate on starting your business and your new boyfriend. Go out with friends and family. Exercise. Walk in the sun. Go to movies, plays and concerts and try to enjoy yourself. If you're on meds, see if you can step them down or change to different meds. Try to see the relationship from your ex's point of view. Guys don't process emotions the same way girls do and you may have misinterpreted things. As I said, he did try to get back with you but your emotions were all over the place and you shut him down. Try to concentrate on the future instead of the past. Hopefully having a new boyfriend can help you through it.

As a therapist, you would know that trying to force a one-sided relationship to work pushes anyone away. It creates a smothering parent-child dynamic where you try to "fix", change, rescue and mother them. Anyone would run from that.

As a therapist myself. the harder I tried to make this relationship work, the further it pushed him away.

How to let go of regret? Get busy doing productive things hopefully forvotehrs as in volitnerr work or active listening to a friend -not therapy just being there - showing ypvwitjcyourvehole self and whole heart as needed. Commit to stop abusing drugs and alcohol. I ended two relationships because of the guy using illegal drugs and in the other case getting drunk and treating me badly and rudely. Dealbreaker. I agree you are overthinking and over analyzing. Also make choices that do not involve any sort of drama - avoid the temptation to gossip or to interact with people who are train wrecks in some way. Commit to being a therapist who has that role only in a business sense and only in a personal sense in very limited circumstances. Not with someone you are dating. Because hers not about a desire to help in a positive way - maybe a little bit bit mostly it’s about you justifying staying with someone who is not available. Good luck and I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Thanks for your replies everyone. As an update, I’ve stopped taking the medication for my ADHD for a few months now. Maybe part of these thoughts about the past have to do with that? It sort of feels like coming out of a fog, that I can see things more clearly now.

DanZee, I think I might have written about him in a more favourable light than he deserved. He did not get the divorce to be with me, and he in fact would “break up” and make up with me constantly throughout our time together. During these “break up” periods, he would date and sleep with others. It was horrible, and I would honestly try move on with someone else when this happened, but I would never be into it and in the end would accept him back when he asked. I stupidly mistook this as him realizing each time he did want to be with me, when it’s clear now he just couldn’t be alone and did not feel guilty using me as a placeholder while he looked for another.

I guess what I wonder the most is: would he have valued me in this relationship if I had valued myself? Or was it something about my core personality that he simply liked at first and then didn’t but felt happy to continue to have me as a placeholder? It was so difficult hearing how much better he treated the woman before me (his wife), and the woman after. He constantly told me about guilt he felt for his ex wife, and then the new one for talking to me, but he never felt any guilt for hurting me. Why was I considered less to him than either of those women?

As for the contact, that was over 6 months ago that I sent the apology, and I have not and will not write anything else to him. I’m so ashamed of myself and embarrassed that he might have thought I was trying to get back with him. I 100% was not, and would never want to after everything that’s happened. I can’t seem to wash myself of this! I was taking the ADHD medication at the time I sent the last message, and I believe I was in an almost manic state. In that moment, I felt convinced it was the right thing to do, for everyone. However, even minutes after sending it, before he even read it, I regretted it and have ever since. I cringe when I think of it, what he must have thought.

The truth is, I had at that point been with my new partner for over a year, and he was the one that actually encouraged me to send it, to finish this chapter once and for all. However, I don’t think he knew enough about the past relationship to think it was a good idea. Now that he’s asked and I’ve told him, he feels badly that he suggested it in the first place, and has even offered to message that ex to tell him that he thought it was so weak to not even accept my apology.

I feel so badly about this too, that he even feels he needs to do something like that for me. I feel like I am now doing to him what my ex did to me, and I want this to STOP! Once and for all.

You know, I did think about how a LDR is another version of having an unavailable partner. And I think that’s how this all started. However, this new (well over a year now) relationship has blossomed into something else. He’s the most committed partner that I’ve had in 5 years, and he reminded me of what it’s like to have a partner that is actually wanting to be with you, rather than someone that’s always having one foot out the door. He’s patient (most of the time), but also tells me when he thinks I’m saying or doing something wrong. Which I believe I need. As you can see, I tend to get carried away. He’s far more attractive and educated (has a Masters like me) and has much higher moral values. However, I can feel myself struggling to feel “the spark” which I think sadly correlated to someone not wanting to be with me, or as some of you alluded to, me thinking someone is better than me.

I truly hope I can be able to turn this all around. To forge a new path. I want to stop shaming and hating myself for sending that last apology, but I don’t know how. I thought maybe the only way to rectify this is to call and tell him the truth, that I was in an odd state when I sent that and that I didn’t approve of what he had done to me and I don’t believe I had anything to apologize for after all this time. It seems like, pro: he would know how I truly felt, but con: he would think I was still thinking about him (which I embarrassingly am).

As it is now, I feel the high road is to just leave it, but it feels unbearable knowing the last communication was a manic haphazardly constructed message lacking truth. Most of which was taken from an old message I had sent a different ex, one that had actually deserved an apology.

As a therapist myself,

This surprised me, but at the same time really peaked my curiosity. So, if I may ask, as a professional - a therapist - if a woman client came into your office and presented you with this very detailed story, what would you advise her? Knowing all the detailed background, what would you tell HER to do? Serious question.

Agree. A qualified therapist would refer someone to an MD psychiatrist for evaluation of amphetamine abuse and mood disorders. Then refer them to a qualified licensed psychologist for follow to assess drug abuse recovery and mood stabilization, as well as use cognitive techniques to guide them through the obsessions, impulsiveness and self defeating behaviors.

This surprised me, but at the same time really peaked my curiosity. So, if I may ask, as a professional - a therapist - if a woman client came into your office and presented you with this very detailed story, what would you advise her? Knowing all the detailed background, what would you tell HER to do? Serious question.

Hi guys,

That's the thing, I've always run into the issue of not being able to give myself objective, good advice. My brain seems to do a lot of mental gymnastics to stop me from being able to, and everytime I try to look at my situation objectively and come up with ideas, I draw a blank. It's actually quite strange to find myself in the middle of a session with a client, providing good treatment and advice regarding their relationship concerns, yet unable to do so for myself.

After a few days to let all of these feelings settle, I am realizing a lot of my perseverations have to do with the 'unfairness' I perceive in the last relationship. I have always had a hard time dealing with this concept in all aspects of life, not just in relationships. Lately I have been trying to focus on forgiveness, both for him and myself. In using empathy to try to understand the motives of each of us at the time, I seem to be able to let go of the situation a little more.

Saturday night I was feeling particularly self loathing, and for no good reason decided to snoop instagram. I found a video the girl posted on her story of my ex chugging a cooler on the floor while she and his friends cheered him on. He looked dishevelled, his hair was to his shoulders and was clearly drunk at 9:00pm. A far cry from the clean cut man I dated. In some ways it actually made me feel better, knowing that this 32 year old man is not a person I would have been proud to call my partner. But at the same time, it upset me once more to see that they are still together, at this point 6 months longer than we were.

But even typing that makes no sense. Why would I care about her 'winning' an extra 6 months when I am without a shadow of a doubt not wanting to be with him?

But Laelithia you’ve been dealing with these obsessive thoughts for at least 5 years...

As a professional it’s not as basic as “ I can’t follow my own advice” and as a professional you should know that so the fact that you seem to stay in this state of rumination... somethings not passing the sniff test.

Like another poster pointed out I’m sure if someone came to you, you would have advised her to see her MD for a prescription or maybe sent her for EMDR therapy, I’m not sure, but I sure as hell wouldn’t think you would advise her to post on the internet for years on end without making any changes.So why are you giving yourself so little help? Do you not feel worthy of proper mental healthcare? You help others but not yourself?

If I’m paying money for someone to help me, they better not be as close to the edge as I am!

I’m joking, but only a little, come on, enough is enough. You know full well all the available resources, advise yourself.

Brain surgeons don't operate on themselves. That's the way it works. See a real MD doctor for a proper workup, diagnosis and treatment.

yet unable to do so for myself.

OP, I am still genuinely interested to know WHAT advice you, as a trained therapist, would give to a woman who presented you with this story? Take yourself out of the equation - out of the story and imagine a client came to you. WHAT would you tell her? Serious question.

I think that’s the problem. The treatment, the advice, the prognosis I would give is one that I don’t feel is accurate for me. I would tell the client that she wouldn’t be feeling this way forever, that emotions pass in life like anything else. I would tell her to refocus her thoughts, train her brain away from the hurtful past and focus on the learning. Be grateful for the lessons and help them help her to make better decisions in the present and future.

And this is where I’m stuck. I have never felt this stuck for this long before. I have an overwhelming feeling in my gut that for whatever reason, this trauma will never truly heal. It’s been 2 years now, and although there have been times in those two years that I have been affected less by this past relationship, it seems to always be there. In the back of my mind. I’m haunted by it, and it never truly goes away. And this is the fear that truly suffocates me. That I will always be scarred by this event, that I will always be haunted by it.

The fact that objectively far worse things have happened to me and that this is the perseveration that won’t go away is proof enough to me that it’s unique in a grotesque way. Impeverous to the strategies that have worked for me in the past despite being relatively benign on the outside. Like a virus. My gut is screaming at me that the only way foraward is to confront this person once and for all. Yet all other faculties suggest this is a recipe for disaster. So I just sit there, so conflicted and paralyzed inside, not moving forward. And the scariest part? Is that I function just fine outwardly. In fact, I don’t think a single person in my life would believe I have written anything on this site that I have.

Wow, your response is very interesting to me.

I’m not a therapist obviously, but I have been through my own personal therapy. I switched therapists because I originally had a therapist who did nothing but say something similar to what you said. That’s not to say that he was a bad therapist, because he wasn’t, he was just much more of a listener who threw our soothing words and I needed actual actions I could take to heal.

Talk is cheap. Thanks for telling me I’ll be ok, but if I’m dealing with trauma that ain’t gonna cut it, that’s been my expierience and I doubt it will cut it for you. It hasn’t has it?

My second therapist dove right in, she was a literal life saver for me, it was intense and I felt uncomfortable and challenged at times, but its what I needed, it helped me be honest with myself and realize how past trauma affected me.

That’s why I found the second part of your response the most interesting. Obviously all counselors are different, but both counselors and my dear friend who is also a counselor tell me that if one single event permeates your entire world to the point you can’t function, it’s obvious that event ripped the scab off of past trauma that was never dealt with. Whether it’s abandonment issues, that’s mine, or maybe, I don’t know other issues, but your view comes off to me as well an excuse.

It’s almost like you don’t want to change, deep down you want to be in pain. You know full well what to do, you keep making excuses not to do it. If you weren’t a licensed counselor I could understand your “ it won’t ever work on me” or “ it doesn’t make sense that this one event is hurting me so much” excuses but come on... you know better.

Your situation is not unique. However, your insistence that it is unique is what is holding you back.

It is not unique. Everyone has been through an upsetting breakup. You are making an active choice to hold on to what you perceive as a tragedy. Only you can choose to end this. Unless you're enjoying being a tragic figure.

I truly wish I could see a therapist that I believe could help. But 1) it’s not a very big city and I don’t think I would feel comfortable for the fact either I may know the therapist personally, or of them through another connection, and 2) the last few times I went to therapy, all my mind could focus on was thinking about what they were saying from one therapist to another. Not a therapist to a client. I’ve only ever worked with one therapist that was truly helping me, understanding my past and helping me with the present. At the time, I was with this past ex. Even he remarked how I seemed to be feeling so much better.

And then, just like that, she was gone. No explanation from the clinic, even though I begged for one. They wouldn’t tell me why she was gone so abruptly or where to find her to see her privately. I looked for months after, when the new therapists did not seem to help. But my guess is she retired after whatever happened, and my abandonment issues resurfaced once again. The relationship fell apart soon after that, and I could not talk to anyone about it. My friends and family couldn’t understand (and didn’t even think) I was as upset about it as I was, and to be honest, I couldn’t even legitimize the perceived trauma myself. It didn’t make sense to me then why I was as devastated as I was then, and I definitely don’t understand it now.

I don’t say lightly that worse things have happened to me. Much worse. I’ve been abducted, sexually assaulted, betrayed by friends and lovers. Broken my back (but not paralyzed luckily), abused and terminated by a nonprofit organization I worked for tirelessly, failed my licensing exam 2 times despite never getting a bad grade before in my life. Many things that I believe I was able to process, work though, and somehow grow from. It doesn’t hurt me to think about those events, in fact I am proud of myself for letting these incidents make me stronger and try harder. Somehow this event has not done this for me. I am weaker for having gone through it, and it’s changed how I view the world, more than the others.

He knew some of what I had been through. In the hours and hours we spent alone together he promised to never do anything that would hurt me. He said this with tears in his eyes. And then he proceeded to shatter me worse than any of those past events ever did. The betrayal and the indifference afterwards from him. The worst part is that I never got to address any of this with him. I never got to ask him why, or how he was capable of this towards me. It’s not that he left, it’s that he made sure I knew that he left to be with another. That he made sure I knew he treated her much better than me. It was if he perceived I had hurt him somehow and was seeking revenge. Rather than the other way around. And the part that brings me the most shame, is judging this other woman. I can’t understand. She is overweight, has a crooked nose, works part time and doesn’t seem to have much ambition. Why is she afforded so much comfort to be her flawed self while I was not? He would often make a comment if I was not perfectly groomed, make up and all. What I know, from what he told me, and what I see, the exact opposite of me.

I’m not a vain person, not at all. But I known others find me attractive. I am fit, I work hard to maintain my appearance. I have been the recipients of awards in my field for my outreach work and research. I mentor students in my field voluntarily. I am well respected for the work I do, especially with children. I am starting my own business not really because I want to, but more out of necessity as I have been so requested by word of mouth clients, I am too busy to be accommodated in an office part time. I have a partner that adores me, parents that do their best (although my mother employs constant shame and criticism she believes is love), opportunities for travel that many can only dream of. I should be leading a wonderfully contented life. And I believe I would be, if these thoughts and pain from the past would leave me. But every day a voice inside my head tells me it will not go away, not until I am face to face with this person. That in doing so, I will learn something. And that something will finally set me free.

But even if I could do this, go against everything I logically/rationally know, I know he would not accept. So I will never get what I feel will set me free. And I worry that at this rate, years later, maybe once I have a family of my own, these thoughts will still be with me. And then the cycle comes full circle, and I become emotionally unavailable like my own mother, and hers before, and hers before that

I know it’s hard to see, because it’s hard to look within, but look at what you wrote. You pretty much pinpointed many potential reasons why you struggle with moving forward.

This was not a perfect relationship, far from it based on past posts. I can’t imagine this particular guy was just that spectacular, so what was it?

I will say I noticed you very much saw yourself and his fixer and savior, you made mention of it many times. You also made mention of your habit of getting over one guy by hopping to the next, which as I’m sure you know is such an unhealthy thing to do because you’re compounding the pain. You dont heal you just stuff it down. Do you think maybe you hop from trauma to trauma?

I feel kinda silly asking these questions, this has been going on for years with you. I don’t see it changing until you’re ready to change it.

You need to see a doctor MD for a complete workup given the history of self-medicating with amphetamines. It seems you are hiding dark secrets under a veneer and that is what bothers you and at the same time stalls you out. Whenever an impaired provider refuses help, it's because they are not ready and wish to continue hiding their secrets.

I truly wish I could see a therapist that I believe could help. But 1) it’s not a very big city and I don’t think I would feel comfortable for the fact either I may know the therapist personally, or of them through another connection, and 2) the last few times I went to therapy, all my mind could focus on was thinking about what they were saying from one therapist to another.

It's a theory that people only do things that reward them in some way.

Even in unhealthy addictive behaviors, there is some sort of payoff. If there wasn't a payoff, they wouldn't be doing them. An alcoholics payoff might be that they don't have to face some uncomfortable feelings that haven't dealt with, for example.

I guess that could be a question for you. You recognize that your attachment to this guy is unhealthy. What might the payoff or benefit be?

It's not an easy question to answer and takes some time and self reflection.

I'll give you maybe one answer. It might not apply, but could it be an excuse (on an unconscious level) to not fully commit yourself to your current relationship?

Sometimes, figuring out the pay off might give you some clarity as to why you are so stuck. From there you can work on the real issue and not just the symptom of it.

OP, dare I say the more you I read the more I get a strong sense that you are addicted to the drama, addicted to the obsession - you seem to thrive on it (imo). Just way too many excuses - you just don't want to let it go. I can't think of any other logical reason why you need to hang onto it so fiercely.

I think you are all on to something, unfortunately. I seem to be stuck in the chaotic past, for whatever reason. I suppose it's the highs and lows, the addict's mindset I am stuck in. One therapist, I saw once likened these sorts of (toxic) relationships with the relationship dynamic I had with my mother when I was young-warm/cold, up/down. It's likely true, but you'd think in educating myself as much as I have and working with so many clients that I would have figured my way out of this.

To be honest, though, I'm more confused and frustrated than ever. Last night I dreamt of a different ex, a relationship between the ex I wrote this post about and my current relationship. It seems so silly, but after this dream, I'm now ruminating about THAT past relationship and what 'could have been'. I think this dream is my own doing though, as I came across a photo that recent ex posted of his now-girlfriend, saying she was his whole heart. I found myself being envious of both of them. Of her, to have someone post such a touching photo and caption (despite the fact that she was completely bald with alopecia, even more, heartwarming that he chose that particular photo and not one where she was wearing a wig), and of him for having someone in his life he loved so completely. Whether it's the distance, or perhaps incompatibility with my current partner, I don't believe I have that.

I miss being loved 'hard' as they say. Although that short-lived relationship lacked true substance (although I ignorantly believed it had it), I felt so adored and cared for by him while it lasted. I miss having someone understand me inside and out, someone I'm able to talk with for hours about my feelings, their feelings, my past, their past, etc. Someone I was intensely attracted to both on a physical and emotional level. I don't seem to have this now, and I miss it terribly.

Education fills your mind with knowledge and professional information. It does not create insight, heal wounds, stop addictions, clear up ruminating paralyzing untreated depression, unaddressed substance abuse, etc.

Only a real doctor could help you with that, however you seem to enjoy being stalled out in analysis paralysis. You enjoy the darkness and secrets. It appears to fill your voids and give your mind something to chew on.

Right now your self analysis (which is inherently flawed) is your best friend. You are not ready to let go of that. Some people enjoy their neuroses, it gives their lives substance, depth and meaning. It helps them maintain a haughty distance from everyone who is "just normal".

I seem to be stuck in the chaotic past, for whatever reason.. you'd think in educating myself as much as I have.

So reading what you said and reading your past posts about this relationship ( wasn’t it only about 3 months) I’m going to take a stab in the dark and say you crave codependency, you crave unhealthy neediness, you crave addict like ‘love’.

I think what you have now is ‘normal’. Well, not really, you’re using the poor guy as a crutch/rebound but that slow build, thats what leads to actual love. Laying out all your baggage like a wounded puppy days and weeks after meeting, and then you inturn feeling they ‘need’ you, that’s not love.

I was the same as you when I was younger, if it didn’t have chaos I didn’t think it was love, landed myself in a catastrophe of a marriage. You don’t have to go down the road I did. Although, you kinda sorta seem hell bent on it.

Since you say this stems from your mother? have you sought out counselors who specialize in childhood trauma?

I have to say that when reading your post # 21 I come away with very strong feelings of extreme jealousy on your part. Would you say that's accurate?

I have worked some psychologists regarding childhood trauma, I now know where most of this comes from. In fact, I get the EXACT same feeling with watching my mother shower my younger sister with love and affection as I do when I see my ex's doing the same with their current partners. It's a mix of envy, anger, frustration, and confusion. My sister does not (and never really has) treated my mother very well, yet she seems fixated on her and often ignores or critcizes me. I have a close relationship with my father, and that seems to annoy my mother as well. Anyway, it is the same feeling I have when I see or hear of my ex's showing their current partners the affection they couldn't maintain with me. I just don't seem to get it. On the outside I seem like a better catch. But I suppose on the inside I am not.

It's interesting, when I posted about the shortlived relationship and talked about it with my friends and family, most came to the conclusion that he was either a narcissist or just a player. However, it seems he has now been with his current girlfriend for just under a year, and seems just as smitten as before.

A few months before he started seeing this current partner, he started liking some of my posts out of the blue. I wondered at that time why he wouldn't message or call me if he was trying to get my attention, but I now checked and saw I had him blocked. Maybe he did. Maybe it could have been me he was posting so lovingly about now. Maybe.