Dealing with Regret

[boltnrun]

What benefit do you get from living in and fixating on the past?

 

What is lacking in your life currently that makes the past so appealing?

[laelithia]

What benefit do you get from living in and fixating on the past?

 

What is lacking in your life currently that makes the past so appealing?

 

This is going to sound rather dramatic, but I feel like I was truly alive before. Now I feel sort of like a spark has gone out from within me. I feel dulled, sort of dead inside. Kind of like I’m living life just going through the motions.

 

It’s sad, but when this last ex was “love-bombing” me or whatever, I was so happy. It was like the flame within me was burning happily and I was just that. Happy. Content. I just wanted it to continue, but it stopped. It seems he’s continued with someone else, but not me. Just like all my ex’s seem to after me. I seem to be the female Good Luck Chuck.

 

My current partner is not the best communicator. Nothing like the last ex. He’s insensitive in how he speaks, even though he has good points. He demands a lot from me, doesn’t let me slack of at all. It’s good for my career and ambition, but bad for my soul. But what can I do? He’s the only one that’s stuck with me this long, allbeit not without me saving us from the edge a few times. It sort of seems like this is “growing up”. Realizing that your partner is not really who you wanted or what you wanted to feel like in a relationship with them, but stability is good, and it’s time to settle down.

[Wiseman2]

Why don't you focus on the real problem rather than dancing around it?

incompatibility with my current partner. I was intensely attracted to both on a physical and emotional level. I don't seem to have this now, and I miss it terribly.

[laelithia]

Why don't you focus on the real problem rather than dancing around it?

 

Honestly, it may seem silly, but I feel too old to start all over again. I’m turning 30 this year and I feel no closer to finding this great love I’ve always wanted. My younger sister got married last summer, and it really hit home that I’m nowhere near that. Not even close. All my friends, family members close to my age are coupled up, mostly married. I feel that I somehow can’t make it happen. It’s confusing. I worked so hard on becoming this catch, but I seem to only hold on to someone for a short time.

 

I was thinking about it though, and I noticed a pattern. The medication I was prescribed for my ADHD caused a horrible 2 years for me. During the time I was talking it, I felt emotionally and mentally unstable, but at the time I didn’t make the connection. Didn’t realize the drug was doing this to me. The most devestating breakups I went through in my life were during this period of my life. Now that I’ve been off the drug for a few months, I look back and wonder if I never had any of these manic episodes (usually brought on with alcohol plus this drug) would I still be either of these exes that made me so happy? I honestly feel like there is a good chance.

 

I stayed with my current partner as long as I have, because we started out as friends. I truly trusted him, after having my heart crushed so many times before, it was nice being with someone I felt I could trust. He’s helped me accomplish a lot in the year we’ve been together. I passed my licensing exam, went into private practice, and now am opening up my own business. We travelled together, talked about me moving to Switzerland where he lives to be together. But as the time has gone on, I find myself more and more emotionally miserable. He doesn’t “get” me like the others seemed to, he’s uncomfortable with most discussion surrounding emotions. He’s closed off and has a hard time being empathetic. But he keeps me accountable (tough love- sort of like my parents) and I think I’ve become a better person and even a better therapist because of him.

 

But oh, how he makes me miss my ex(es). He makes me miss how much I loved a man being sweet with me, letting me talk about my feelings, reassuring me that everything was going to be okay. This last ex, even if it wasn’t truly genuine, spent hours talking to me about my hopes and dreams, his as well. I felt so connected. And the reason I have had such a hard time forgiving myself about this breakup is that it all happened after an angry manic tirade caused by me taking that stupid harmful drug (which I simply trusted from the doctors, the MD’s you keep referring me to, that I needed it). Just like the relationship before that, that I originally started this thread about, I angrily scolded him for what I didn’t even remember. I believe my insecurities come out unflltered in these moments, and I told him he was going to hurt me just like all the others and that I hated him for it. It hadn’t even happened yet....

 

So you see, I tarnished so many good things in my life, I don’t believe I’ll be given another chance. I don’t believe I’ll find another, someone in the middle who I love and loves me completely, yet ticks other boxes for me as well, who is grounded with me and stays. Part of the reason I sought out a relationship with my current partner is that I wanted to get out of this city, out of this continent, to truly get out of this past trauma and start to fully heal. Yet now I am opening up my own business here, and it seems like this long distance relationship has no near future of closing that gap.

 

I’m tired and sad, and at this point of my life I feel more lost than ever. The only difference between now and earlier posts I have on this site, is that I feel I am too old to continue trying. Maybe this is as good as it’s going to get for me and I should be grateful for what I have.

[Wiseman2]

This is an intercontinental LDR? How often do you see each other? The best thing you can do is address your substance abuse issues and get to a qualified psychiatrist for evaluation and treatment of that as well as an appropriate diagnosis, instead of guessing what you problems are and rationalizing using amphetamines, alcohol and whatever else. But again you seem to enjoy undermining yourself and staying in your head.

talked about me moving to Switzerland where he lives to be together. .

[laelithia]

I’ve completely stopped taking the medication. I don’t think you can call it substance abuse, as I was only taking what was prescribed to me. But like I said, I’ve stopped now for about 3 months.

 

It’s because of this debacle that I’ve lost my faith in MD’s. Here, all they really do is prescribe medication and I clearly don’t do well with medication that affects my brain.

[jstudio]

So reading what you said and reading your past posts about this relationship ( wasn’t it only about 3 months) I’m going to take a stab in the dark and say you crave codependency, you crave unhealthy neediness, you crave addict like ‘love’.

 

I think what you have now is ‘normal’. Well, not really, you’re using the poor guy as a crutch/rebound but that slow build, thats what leads to actual love. Laying out all your baggage like a wounded puppy days and weeks after meeting, and then you inturn feeling they ‘need’ you, that’s not love.

 

I was the same as you when I was younger, if it didn’t have chaos I didn’t think it was love, landed myself in a catastrophe of a marriage. You don’t have to go down the road I did. Although, you kinda sorta seem hell bent on it.

 

Since you say this stems from your mother? have you sought out counselors who specialize in childhood trauma?

 

I'm around the same age, going through a similar situation.. and this is probably the best thing I've read in a long time. It's true.

[Capricorn3]

I worked so hard on becoming this catch, but I seem to only hold on to someone for a short time..

I think this is your downfall. This is where you are going wrong. "Working so hard on becoming a catch" just screams desperation and believe me, everybody around you will notice. It oozes out of every pore and very obvious to people. Desperation is very off-putting to most people and makes them head for the hills - which may explain why you can't seem to hold onto anyone for a long time.

 

Just because friends/family are getting married doesn't mean you have to follow immediately behind them. You're not even 30 years old! Still plenty of time and certainly young - not sure why you think 30 is "old" - you make it sound like you're 65 and never dated in your life.

Too much jealousy and desperation and maybe that's part of the problem why nothing seems to be working for you. Have you addressed these issues with your therapist?

[Wiseman2]

Everywhere is where they prescribe medications, that's what they do. However in modern western countries, they would prescribe something for your mood and/or ocd symptoms not amphetamines. In addition a referral for CBT would be made to support and monitor the medication's efficacy and challenge all the cognitive distortions accumulated from untreated problems.

Here, all they really do is prescribe medication and I clearly don’t do well with medication that affects my brain.