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Thread: Perspective on some odd situations

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Sep 2018

    Perspective on some odd situations


    I need some unbiased perspectives on my difficult life.

    I come from a good family in a conservative country. However my dad a doctor and an aristocrat died when I had been 18 months. Apparently his behavior started changing to worse when I was about 6 months, and owing to this my mom developed some psychological misgivings towards me. While she adored me when I was a young baby she still had some issues with me. My mom lost all the wealth that was due to her by the time I was two, and was pretty much on the streets compared to the life she had been living. I have a sister older to me by two years. Due to the difficult situations, and given the fact that my mother's father was dead long before her marriage, and her siblings were step relations... she started losing her mind gradually.

    Both my sister and me were exceptionally good performers at school but my sister went onto become a doctor like my father. She had left home by the time she was 18. By then my mom had developed severe mental disorder issues. She also had a deep resentment towards me at certain times where she would yell nonsense about me and hit me etc. She did not have these issues with my sister, who mostly confined herself to a room, and later was not even living with us. My mother developed a nagging resentment to me doubting my activities, and generally physically and emotionally attacking me. However I was the only one really there to look after her, my sister had moved onto another country by then.

    Due to my mom's behavior the gossip started on me too. My mom continued to complain about me with friends, maids etc whenever she lost her temper on me. None of the complaints were valid, for I did not break any house rules etc. I was quite an ideal child, lol.. but I sure was not too happy by then, and sometimes I fought back with mom. My sister got more famous for being the ideal daughter despite living a fun fulfilling life, Im glad atleast she did, I have nothing against her. I got famous to be a problem child, just because of my mom's love hate relationship with me

    After the marriage I came to US, When my wedding was decided my mom complained about me to my mil too. She even told my mother in law I am not like my sister etc. After my wedding my mother in law who has a toxic relationship with both her daughter in laws tried taking advantage of this. She got both her sons so mad at their wives, that they started to hit their wives. While my husband did not hit me often there have been some major incidences. When we daughter in laws tried fighting back, my mother in law tried to take advantage of the fact that my mom has mental health issues, and tried to prove me mad too. She spoke about this to our friends here etc. so I think ppl here sometimes believe these insinuations.

    When I visited a counselor, the psychiatrist and the associated counselor declined that I have any mental health issues. They advised my husband to ignore his mother and sister. For a while things got better, but then my husband started hitting me again. He became resentful and by nature he is a loner, doesnt have friends etc. So he mostly listens only to his mom and sister.

    Given my childhood etc. I took this behavior for a long time, but eventually this year I moved out. This last incident was in front of my son, and my husband was trying to convince my terrified son that his mom is mad etc. This is the reason I moved out.

    Now my kids are generally happy, and I am able to manage the life of a single mom. But at times I feel very unhappy that my life has been very unfair.

    My mom wants me to move back, we are just in a non legal separation. My mom really makes me very sad on our international phone conversations and the way she behaves I feel like Im some loser, and an embarrassment and a pain. My sister blames me of insensitivity as my mom's emotional health is now completely gone. My sister lives in another country too.

    At this point I do not want to keep in touch with any family. I do feel guilty that Im unable to make mom happy, but the conversations with her leaves me feeling extremely unhappy.

    On the other hand, Im not sure if I should be trying to make my marriage work, my husband has not apologized for his behavior, and generally has not even contacted me or my children. There is no woman in his life, but he seems contented to live without us.

    I want to know if its normal for moms to have such different relationships with their daughters? How would you advise me to move ahead in my life?

    Please note that there is a lot of negative talk about me given that both my marriage and childhood had been difficult. I guess the fact that my mom in her insanity moments used to hit me far more than my husband is somewhat of a gauge on how I must be as a person? I find it difficult to rationalize this in my own mind sometimes.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared
    Donít go back with your mom, EVER. Nor your husband. EVER EVER.

  3. #3
    Silver Member fwdthinker's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    I would suggest you get into counseling with a good therapist, right away. You can tell your story to a professional and neutral third party-- who has your best interests at heart. It does not sound as if you have had a support system in your life - ever. And that is hard and sad. Please seek someone who can help you through this process. It will be worth it. Blessings to you.

  4. #4
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Your mum and your husband hit you. That is NOT okay. Then, there's the emotional blackmailing, all the gossip and drama. That is not okay either. You need to seek professional help as soon as possible.

    You deserve to live in a positive and uplifting environment. You deserve unconditional love. You are worth it. (Don't believe any less!)


  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Get away from all of these horrible, abusive people. You and your children have tolerated enough.

    Cut your mother off.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Was this an arranged marriage? You need to take care of your kids and see a lawyer about visitation/custody and child support. You can't just leave the country and their father. Also see a doctor for your severe depression and get a good workup and referral to a psychiatrist. Mood disorders tend to run in families. Stop depending on and confiding in your mother.

    Find a doctor and a lawyer who can help you and give you real help and sound advice. Do right by your kids and get the help you need. Stop acting like a victim with a laundry list of all the bad people, bad childhood, bad everything and everyone. Start start improving your fitness as a mother, before they get taken away from you because of your untreated emotional/mental difficulties.
    Originally Posted by smejr
    my wedding was decided my mom complained about me to my mil too. My mom wants me to move backon our international phone conversations

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Your mom is abusive, and you married an abuser as well, sadly.

    Your husband and his brother didn't just turn abusive because their mother wound them up and got them to hit you and your sister-in-law. No, that abusive tendency has likely always been there. She just encourgaed it, for whatever sick reason.

    No, do not try to work on your marriage. You and your child deserve much better than this, and you won't find happiness in this toxic family. Same goes for your mother. Stay on your own, get into some good therapy, and go and find your happiness now. Your husband, his mother and your mother are not part of that equation.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    You have had a very difficult life indeed. You need to seek professional counseling about it so that it stops affecting/harming your present. Based on what you described, it would indeed be best to cut off your ex husband, your mother, your mother in law and your sister. It sounds like you come from a culture where parents dictate their children's life way past adulthood but this is problematic, especially when you are surrounded by so many toxic people.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    It would be helpful to know what culture you are a part of and if you have a way to sustain yourself and your kids.
    Are you relying on money from family and/or your husband?

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