Getting her back for good (from another guy)

Hey folks.

 

My girl of 7 years broke up with me a few weeks ago. I had a really bad family situation around year 4-5 of the relationship, when I was intending to propose/move forward, and it kinda messed us up (especially my psyche). She was putting on a bit of weight, and I was generally unhappy with the state of my life. Suffice to say, we didn't fix things for the next couple of years - things were generally *fine*, but our intimate life had suffered, and we weren't moving forward.

 

Eventually, a guy at the park started hitting on her (I didn't know this) and they hit it off in secret. As far as I know she didn't get physical with him, but after flirting and emotional intimacy with him for more than a month she decided the pressure to jump ship was too great and called it quits. I believe she was in the arms of her fling within 72 hours.

 

After a lot of introspection and careful thought, I would like to see if this can get another chance. I have started seeking help after my realization that all of my symptoms of depression started around my family situation, and I believe our lack of intimacy was caused by that factor rather than by an actual loss of interest in the other person.

 

So, I can see the reasons this is an uphill battle - she was very resolute/resolved when she broke up (moved out that same day), she has another fling that is obviously into her (though as far as I can tell not her type), and although we didn't try a lot of important ways of fixing the relationship, we did try some of them. On the other hand, we had an amazing first 4-5 years, we were very compatible in many ways, and I am really interested in proposing/moving forward if/when we can ever recover from this and start a new/better/stronger version of "us".

 

I think there may be a chance if I do No-Contact for awhile, get my mind/self in order, and then reach out with playful/fun comments to see if I can get her interested in meeting up somehow. Then meetup at some fun thing. But, obviously, it could be she is falling head-over-heels for her rebound and it would take months and months for her to get over him.

 

I'd really like to give it a shot at a new relationship with her - any advice?

Um, hold back that impulse. She already has left you emotionally and physically, and sexually.

 

Don't let her make you think you have to fix anything at all.

 

Your ex is getting her freak on. It doesn't include you.

 

If i were you, I would move on and understand that things are over.

 

Lick your wounds and look elsewhere for love. It is not with her.

I think there may be a chance if I do No-Contact for awhile, get my mind/self in order, and then reach out with playful/fun comments to see if I can get her interested in meeting up somehow. Then meetup at some fun thing. But, obviously, it could be she is falling head-over-heels for her rebound and it would take months and months for her to get over him.

 

what part of "she is in a relationship" did you not catch? if was single, then i could understand your strategy, but how do you propose you will change in that short of time?

You had a chance to make changes - you could have started 2 years ago after the "family situation" but you chose not to --- the relationship wasn't a priority for you and you took her for granted. Just like the Jackson 5 "Want you back" song.

 

She was putting on a bit of weight

 

This is why i don't think i would chase her. You found her unattractive with more weight and yet someone finds her just fine as she is - and now that someone does, she doesn't look too bad to you.... what happens if you do get her back and she hasn't lost the weight, or puts on some after having kids? will you become complacent again?

 

I would say work on yourself and leave her be. if she comes to you someday, that's another matter --- but i would not consider it just a temporary break like you seem to think it is

Hey folks.

 

My girl of 7 years broke up with me a few weeks ago. I had a really bad family situation around year 4-5 of the relationship, when I was intending to propose/move forward, and it kinda messed us up (especially my psyche). She was putting on a bit of weight, and I was generally unhappy with the state of my life. Suffice to say, we didn't fix things for the next couple of years - things were generally *fine*, but our intimate life had suffered, and we weren't moving forward.

 

Eventually, a guy at the park started hitting on her (I didn't know this) and they hit it off in secret. As far as I know she didn't get physical with him, but after flirting and emotional intimacy with him for more than a month she decided the pressure to jump ship was too great and called it quits. I believe she was in the arms of her fling within 72 hours.

 

After a lot of introspection and careful thought, I would like to see if this can get another chance. I have started seeking help after my realization that all of my symptoms of depression started around my family situation, and I believe our lack of intimacy was caused by that factor rather than by an actual loss of interest in the other person.

 

So, I can see the reasons this is an uphill battle - she was very resolute/resolved when she broke up (moved out that same day), she has another fling that is obviously into her (though as far as I can tell not her type), and although we didn't try a lot of important ways of fixing the relationship, we did try some of them. On the other hand, we had an amazing first 4-5 years, we were very compatible in many ways, and I am really interested in proposing/moving forward if/when we can ever recover from this and start a new/better/stronger version of "us".

 

I think there may be a chance if I do No-Contact for awhile, get my mind/self in order, and then reach out with playful/fun comments to see if I can get her interested in meeting up somehow. Then meetup at some fun thing. But, obviously, it could be she is falling head-over-heels for her rebound and it would take months and months for her to get over him.

 

I'd really like to give it a shot at a new relationship with her - any advice?

No contact, but leave the door open for reconciliation. Make yourself better and do well - she'll feel/see it. No playful comments - did you find that advice on a "get your ex back" scheme? Stay away from those.

 

Pulling for you - be strong.

 

She was putting on a bit of weight

 

This is why i don't think i would chase her. You found her unattractive with more weight and yet someone finds her just fine as she is - and now that someone does, she doesn't look too bad to you.... what happens if you do get her back and she hasn't lost the weight, or puts on some after having kids? will you become complacent again?

 

I would say work on yourself and leave her be. if she comes to you someday, that's another matter --- but i would not consider it just a temporary break like you seem to think it is

 

The weight didn't turn me off, but I mentioned it to explain that she also was unhappy with herself and her body around this time. My sexual appetite was messed up by other circumstances.

No contact, but leave the door open for reconciliation. Make yourself better and do well - she'll feel/see it. No playful comments - did you find that advice on a "get your ex back" scheme? Stay away from those.

 

Pulling for you - be strong.

 

Actually yes - that "exbackpermanently" website. Is that just bunk?

Actually yes - that "exbackpermanently" website. Is that just bunk?

In my opinion and experience, yes. They feed off of desperate, heartbroken people.

 

I think the best thing that would work with me if I were the dumper, is my ex (seemingly) doing better than me (i.e. they've made improvements and it shows), and yet they still want me back.

So let me save you the $100...

 

No contact for 30 days. On the 31st day, contact your ex (something "light", of course). Gradually build up contact. Then invite her to an event. And if you're female, lose weight, you big fatty.

 

That's what it said, correct?

 

Except it's all BS. What if your ex is dating someone else? What if she doesn't reply to your messages? What if she says "no" to your event invitation? What if she just plain isn't interested? What if you're not fat????

 

These DO NOT WORK. it's a business that preys on heartbroken people to get money from them.

 

It does not work.

"And if you're female, lose weight, you big fatty."

 

 

I spit my cereal out all over my computer reading that.

"And if you're female, lose weight, you big fatty."

 

 

I spit my cereal out all over my computer reading that.

 

That's actually what those sites say. After all, your boyfriend MUST have broken up with you because you're fat!!

Dude please don't follow those "get your ex back" schemes. She's in a relationship now, that boat has sailed.

 

Yes go no contact for yourself and work on yourself for yourself but in the perspective of moving on. If in the mean time she decides she wants you again fine, you can decide if you want or not being in a better state of mind to decide. But never try to win someone from someonelse. It will backfire.

 

And also take this as a lesson... you didn't value her (or at least didn't show it) and took her for granted and now she found someone and suddenly she you want her back/show her you care. Maybe part of it is in your ego.

Actually yes - that "exbackpermanently" website. Is that just bunk?

 

Yes. Those websites and "gurus" all tell you the same thing. And if their amazing advice worked so well, we'd be seeing a lot more reconciliations. They're trying to sell you something, so they package up some lame "strategy" that does not take indivdidual circumstances or the subtler nuances of relationships into account. It's a stupid One Size Fits All! approach, and it's marketing. Sending playful comments isn't going to do anything but make you look desperate, my friend.

 

Look, she checked out. And it probably happened a while ago, right under your nose. 7 years is a long time, and if things hadn't been great for a couple years, she was likely losing interest and wanting to move on anyway. Now she has found someone else. As long as she is not single, you need to leave her be. She knows where you are if she is interested in trying again.

It's definitely not worth it. If she wasn't willing to ride the tougher times in life with you through the relationship, to then come out of them with a stronger relationship, then you shouldn't have reason to trust that she'd be there "in sickness and in health". To worsen this, rather than using tough parts in life to strengthen the relationship, she chose to use it to check out of the relationship and eventually begin emotionally cheating on you.

 

Go 100% no contact, and don't bother with thinking of "improving things about yourself so it's better with her." Improve yourself in ways that you want to for yourself, and take the lessons from what mistakes you both had in your last relationship to grow both yourself and your understanding of what you want in a relationship. Lessons can be learned about how you let your stressors in life affect other factors in life or etc, of course, and you will likely understand that well with introspection. However, be very careful to avoid blaming too much of this on yourself or on what you had to be unlucky enough to go through. In the end, her drifting away, emotionally cheating, and then breaking up were all a conscious decision on her end.

 

Additionally, she is in a relationship with someone else. Don't intrude on her life -- that's simply wrong to do.

 

And even more additionally, get-ex-back stuff is largely a scam. There's a few small lessons about healthy communication in them, but actual research on breakups more-or-less summarizes that you can't really predict what's going to happen, so don't bother. Move forward in life in the areas you actually have control over and focus on those things.

Yep. It preys on people with broken hearts.

Actually yes - that "exbackpermanently" website. Is that just bunk?