Was she being selfish or am I the one who took it the wrong way ?

Hello :)

 

I need some advice regarding my best friend. We've known each other over ten years ago and we've been friends ever since.

 

She has many great qualities, I trust her completely, we are really supportive to one another and we never argue. I know she has some insecurities (who hasn't ?) : she's very possessive so she feels threatened when I meet someone who I get along with because she doesn't like to "share" her friends with someone who's "not worth it" and she has a fear of abandonment.

 

Anyway to set the context, 6 years ago, we were both trying to enter med school but I was the only one who succeeded :/ I was very very sad for her and did everything I could to help her. She was happy for me me (she still is) but never gave up and she has spent the last 6 years trying to get another degree that could allow her to access med school in third year (that's how it works in my country, sorry if that's confusing). Unfortunately it didn't work so she's planning to study abroad. She never met any of my friends in med school because that depressed her, and i noticed she was kind of jealous when i mentioned them.

 

Our friendship was fine until september 2017. It was tense sometimes and I felt like walking on eggshell because she would get upset if I mentioned her attempts to get in med school or outraged if I said something about someone who left the school ... Apart from that, the friendship was great. She was always here for me if I had any personal problem, etc

 

Anyway, last september I started dating a guy who became shortly after my first boyfriend. Due to my studies, I only got to see him once a week and at the time, I was living with my best friend.

 

I admit, I did some mistakes, I struggled to manage my time and I had to cancel going out with my best friend because I had a lot of work. But in the other hand, I was still seing the guy once a week. I had (and still have :( ) a lot of insecurities about my body, so being in a relationship freaked me out completely and she was there to reassure me everytime I panicked.

 

But she started to be really annoyed I would find time to go out with him and not her so, at some point in november, she bursted into tears saying she "had been hugely disappointed at me", that "she was proud of herself because she handled well the fact I had a boyfriend, but she felt like I was taking her for granted and she didn't want to be sacrificed.". She stated I should have know she wasn't okay because she was stressed that she wouldn't manage to get in med school

 

I apologised to her, I explained her I was going through a lot of thing and that the only reason I started to go out with her less often, was that I was already living with her in the same apartment so I got to see her everyday.

 

She said that she was ready to forgive me because she still thought I was a good person, but if I was someone else, she would have cut me out of her life. She knew I hadn't done her wrong in purpose, but she "didnt care".She explained that she was no longer willing to listento anything I had to say about my boyfriend and that I would have to talk to someone else but she was still here for me regarding any other issues.

 

Some months later, I got dumped lol. He was tired of me not getting enough time to see him and made a list of physical things he didn't like about me like my hair color, my hands and others stuffs ... :/

 

I talked to my sister, another close friend of mine and I got a therapist to get through all the usual sadness and distress that comes after a break up.

 

At some point, I did say to her we broke up and she replied "okay, unfortunately I will not be able to comfort you, but i am sure you can find someone to talk to"

 

I don't know if I am being a real here and if I am being incredibly selfish but I don't understand her reaction and she's not the only one to feel disappointed. I have to say : those events really damaged our friendship. We still talk almost everyday, but I don't feel like opening to her anymore. I don't talk to her about my life anymore, I think I am still quite angry at her.

 

I don't know how she feels about that though,, but for me the friendship is definitely not the same.

 

So what do you think about that ? Am I being selfish ? Is the friendship still worth it ?

 

Thank you! :)

 

sorry for my English, I am not a native speaker :)

Friends for 10 years,

 

 

You shouldn't really throw that away. I don't think the relationship is bad because all the relationships has it's up's and down's even friendship. These are the type of friends unless they do something really really bad you will always be friends with them. They may drift apart depending on life circumstances but they will still be your friend. I believe the problem here is weather your friend thinks you did something really really bad or not. On your end though it's fine, on her end, she has a lot of things to work out and may need time to work those issues out (i'm talking like years). Because of all of this, friendship might regress a bit but still, 10 years is not a short time.

Your friend is showing classic neediness. We don't like it when our romantic partner gets all needy and jealous, this should be the same for friends, no matter how long you have been friends for.

 

Her inability to deal with her abandonment issues, and her controlling and passive aggressive behaviour would be enough alone to end a relationship. Just because you have been friends for 10 years does not mean she is allowed to do these things, nor does it mean you should accept them.

 

Also, friendships often have use by dates and that is ok. Perhaps it is time for you to move on to new friends, or perhaps even a long term boyfriend.

Someone who makes you the sole center of their universe is smothering and they attempt to emotionally manipulate you by trying to make you feel guilty when you've done nothing wrong. Either have a discussion with her about friendship boundaries, and if she can't abide by them, end the friendship, because how she's behaving should be a dealbreaker. If she doesn't have other friends to meet her social needs when you're busy, that's her problem and not yours.

 

I have a feeling she won't listen to reason. And looking toward your future, what do you think will happen if you happened to get married and on top of that, had children if that was your choice. Are you going to have to listen to her whine that you don't make time for her?

 

As far as how I react when a person doesn't seem to have much time for me? I realize they either have life changes that have made getting together too difficult, or that they no longer feel the friendship is working. Do I say something to the person? No, I move on to hang out with other friends and/or get a new hobby to satisfy my social needs. That's what, I believe, most emotionally healthy people would do.

 

Like sour milk, this friendship has reached its expiration date. Don't allow yourself to be abused anymore. Either have a spine and tell her she needs to expand her social circle because you have a busy life and can't alway regularly go out with her, and won't be berated about it, or move out and end the friendship, or at the very least, conduct it with a far greater distance.

Sometimes friendships fall apart and that's that.

 

You are living the life that she wanted for herself, but can't achieve no matter how hard she tries. So you are a daily reminder to her of her failure. The result of that is that she has become jealous and bitter to the point of unhealthy and she is being absolutely nasty to you. Kind of vindictive and no, you don't deserve to be treated like that by her. She is no longer your friend, she is acting more like your frenemy. Because of her issues with jealousy and resentments, the friendship now sounds toxic.

 

In your shoes, I'd actually move out at the end of your lease and overall distance yourself from her. It's possible that if you get out of each others space and she has some time to achieve success in life, she'll get over the jealousy and you can rekindle your friendship. Similar thing happened to me. My best friend was struggling and failing while I was easily succeeding. She became very jealous and our friendship fell apart. Years later we ran into each other and reconnected. She has a great life, great career and in 20/20 hindsight her failure was actually a success that brought her into the interesting job and life she has now. Thing is that it took time, distance, and a lot of maturing her on part for us to be friends again, talk about what happened and put it all behind us.

To be quite honest, you two sound more like amoebas to one another than friends. She definitely appears to be on the more extreme end than you, but regardless it sounds like neither of you has achieved the basic emotional independence a young adult should have as a result of having offloaded or fed off each other. Has your therapist not commented on this dynamic of your friendship? What actually concerns me a lot is that this lack of emotional maturity and independence may very well land you on the fast track to a full-on abusive relationship if you're starting out attracting and being attracted to men who do this:

 

Some months later, I got dumped lol. He was tired of me not getting enough time to see him and made a list of physical things he didn't like about me like my hair color, my hands and others stuffs ... :/

Try to use this hard time between both the breakup and feeling let down by your friend as a catalyst to really break off from this dependence and find value in yourself. You don't need to become a hermit, but you also don't need to full-on live with your best friend or tolerate her berating you for having the audacity to be busy as you delve deeper into medical school.

Because of all of this, friendship might regress a bit but still, 10 years is not a short time.

Yeah, that's exactly what she said : "would you really throw out a ten years friendship because of a boy ?" and we spoke later, she said she was terrified I would answer yes ^^

 

Your friend is showing classic neediness. We don't like it when our romantic partner gets all needy and jealous, this should be the same for friends, no matter how long you have been friends for.

 

Her inability to deal with her abandonment issues, and her controlling and passive aggressive behaviour would be enough alone to end a relationship. Just because you have been friends for 10 years does not mean she is allowed to do these things, nor does it mean you should accept them.

 

Also, friendships often have use by dates and that is ok. Perhaps it is time for you to move on to new friends, or perhaps even a long term boyfriend.

Why would you say she was passive agressive ? I don't really have an overview of the situation, but what would you do if you thought your friend spent too much time with his new girlfriend and neglected you ?

 

Someone who makes you the sole center of their universe is smothering and they attempt to emotionally manipulate you by trying to make you feel guilty when you've done nothing wrong. Either have a discussion with her about friendship boundaries, and if she can't abide by them, end the friendship, because how she's behaving should be a dealbreaker. If she doesn't have other friends to meet her social needs when you're busy, that's her problem and not yours.

 

I have a feeling she won't listen to reason. And looking toward your future, what do you think will happen if you happened to get married and on top of that, had children if that was your choice. Are you going to have to listen to her whine that you don't make time for her?

 

As far as how I react when a person doesn't seem to have much time for me? I realize they either have life changes that have made getting together too difficult, or that they no longer feel the friendship is working. Do I say something to the person? No, I move on to hang out with other friends and/or get a new hobby to satisfy my social needs. That's what, I believe, most emotionally healthy people would do.

 

Like sour milk, this friendship has reached its expiration date. Don't allow yourself to be abused anymore. Either have a spine and tell her she needs to expand her social circle because you have a busy life and can't alway regularly go out with her, and won't be berated about it, or move out and end the friendship, or at the very least, conduct it with a far greater distance.

Thank you very much for your reply ! Why do you think her behavior should be a dealbreaker ? I think the worst happened when she told me i couldn't talk to her about my break up, because i got no support and I needed it :/ Am i wrong ?

 

Sometimes friendships fall apart and that's that.

 

You are living the life that she wanted for herself, but can't achieve no matter how hard she tries. So you are a daily reminder to her of her failure. The result of that is that she has become jealous and bitter to the point of unhealthy and she is being absolutely nasty to you. Kind of vindictive and no, you don't deserve to be treated like that by her. She is no longer your friend, she is acting more like your frenemy. Because of her issues with jealousy and resentments, the friendship now sounds toxic..

Thank you for your reply ! :)

Why would you say that ? I am happy the situation got better with your friend ! And don't worry, I don't live with her anymore

Try to use this hard time between both the breakup and feeling let down by your friend as a catalyst to really break off from this dependence and find value in yourself. You don't need to become a hermit, but you also don't need to full-on live with your best friend or tolerate her berating you for having the audacity to be busy as you delve deeper into medical school.

Thank you very much for your reply :) And I really appreciate your honesty, why would you say I lack maturity ? I don't feel like i am a dependant person,that's quite the opposite. I have rather an avoidant attachment, and you're right, the guy I was attracted to was a jerk but there was no way I could predict his behavior. He was the sweetest person when I met him, but that's another story ...

I said it because she is painfully jealous of you and your life, not just med school, but everything, including having a bf, even if it was a bad relationship. Consciously or not, she is finding ways to lash out at you and not really being a friend to you anymore. When you have to walk on eggshells, when you can't share your pains and struggles or joys and achievements, when your friend tells you to go elsewhere with that, your friendship is finished, at least for now.

[/b]

I am going to add just another spin.

I get that at times we have to find a balance between friends and romantic relationships. I've got some years on you and I've grown accustomed to friends `going off the grid" as we call it. I might be considered off the grid by my friends at the moment but after bouncing back more than once they are all right there where I left them and vice versa.

 

You alluded to something that made me want to jump in -At some point, I did say to her we broke up and she replied "okay, unfortunately I will not be able to comfort you, but i am sure you can find someone to talk to"

 

Because I've had that friend, more than once. I graciously accept they are distracted and understand it doesn't take away from our friendship, but if the only time you do make time for me, I am your sounding board or therapist? If you were honest, could this be the case?

 

Because we need to look at all our relationships as the emotional bank account. You cannot expect to make continued withdrawals when you are not making it up by making deposits.

 

I've told a friend the exact same words. . a couple friends to be exact. I stepped back and supported their relationship and the only time they reached out is when they needed support. At some point I just shut it down. Luckily they caught on to what was going on and acknowledged their part and apologized.

 

Not sure if it applies here. . just maybe food for thought.

[/

 

Because I've had that friend, more than once. I graciously accept they are distracted and understand it doesn't take away from our friendship, but if the only time you do make time for me, I am your sounding board or therapist? If you were honest, could this be the case?

 

Because we need to look at all our relationships as the emotional bank account. You cannot expect to make continued withdrawals when you are not making it up by making deposits.

 

the only time they reached out is when they needed support.

 

Thank you very much for your reply :) I get your point but I don’t think it really applies here, let me explain :

We’ve been friends for over 10 years, and I have supported her when she was feeling down every single time. Of course she did the same for me.

 

I always make time for her when I can, to see a movie go for a walk or even to talk. Apart from that incident, i think we have a great friendship. I trust her completely and I know she does as well.

 

What I am trying to say is : I am not that friend who only reachs out you when she needs something from you, and who disappears when she feels better and I don’t think I can be friend with that kind of people anyway 🤷🏻♀️

 

It was my first boyfriend and I was very stressed due to my studies at the time, and I allowed myself to go out with her less often since I already lived with her. And she felt neglected

Is she still your roommate? If so start looking to move out. If not you need to distance yourself from this frenemy. She is detracting from your life and envious of any of your successes and revels in your defeats. Think logically. Why is it your fault she can't get into med school or that you had a bf? Reflect on that. Put her in the acquiescence category and stop sharing your personal life with her.

I was living with my best friend.

Is she still your roommate? If so start looking to move out. If not you need to distance yourself from this frenemy. She is detracting from your life and envious of any of your successes and revels in your defeats. Think logically. Why is it your fault she can't get into med school or that you had a bf? Reflect on that. Put her in the acquiescence category and stop sharing your personal life with her.

 

Thanks for your reply. I moved out in february and I am currently living on my own fortunalely

No you're right, it's not my fault. But don't you think I am a bit responsible for the way she felt ? Maybe if I handled things differently, seing him even less and paying more attention to her for a few weeks she wouldn't have felt threatened ?

She said she loved me very much and she was really demanding with people she cared about.

 

To be honest, I don't really understand her reaction and the fact she wasn't there for me at all when I was going through the breakup the straw that broke the camel's back. , I don't know if that's fair, but I hoped she would put our differences aside and at least ask how I was coping once. Am I asking for too much ?

 

Thank you ! : )

She said she loved me very much and she was really demanding with people she cared about.

 

Well, if she is this way with others as well, then you are in good company.

It appears she has a lesson or two to learn about friendships.

Thank you all for your kind messages ! 🙂I think our friendship has reached its expiration date, indeed.

But I feel so guilty for even thinking of ending it ... she has done so much for me through the years, I respect that and I feel like I don’t have the right to do this because that would be incredibly ungrateful ! >

It’s just that our relationship is no more fulfilling to me and when I think about the future, I don’t picture her in it.

 

So what would you do in my shoes ? :) Than you so much ! V

Thank you all for your kind messages ! 🙂I think our friendship has reached its expiration date, indeed.

But I feel so guilty for even thinking of ending it ... she has done so much for me through the years, I respect that and I feel like I don’t have the right to do this because that would be incredibly ungrateful ! >

It’s just that our relationship is no more fulfilling to me and when I think about the future, I don’t picture her in it.

 

So what would you do in my shoes ? :) Than you so much ! V

If you go back and reread the feedback, I think we told you.

Look, it's certainly not your responsibility to make her happy. But does it really matter who was the selfish one? You've been friends for 10 years. What is more important, your friendship or being right? Personally, I'd let the incident (past) go and be appreciative of the friendship you shared. Should you choose to move away from said friendship, at least on your end, you will have ended on a good note. [You can always leave the door slightly open, just in case.]

Thank you very much !

Indeed, you’re right. Our friendship should be more important but the thing is I kind of resent her nowadays. But I can’t see the big picture and I don’t want to behave like a selfish person who doesn’t realise her faults!

I don’t know if my feelings are justified or if I am in the wrong and I should suppress them that’s why I am asking for your help ! :)

Pelotte You're welcome! :)

 

Whilst you have the right to feel the way you do, it's in your best interest to let any negative feelings inside you go. Ideally, we want to focus on things (people, etc.) that bring a smile to our face.

 

Writing helps me. Perhaps you'd like to try that. Why do you resent her? Write anything you can think of even if it doesn't make sense. Then, once you've finished, go to the nearest bin and rip that paper into pieces.