Devastated

Hi, I'm new here so I hope it's okay if I ask advice right away.Im in a long distance relationship, and this isn't my first so I'm used to it. I've been married twice to abusive men and I know exactly the type of men I don't want. It was 5 years since I left my last husband and I knew I was ready to find someone...so did my counselor. Well I had known my boyfriend for over 4 years on Facebook. We rarely said anything to one another as both of us are very shy. Well last July, the 5th, we started messaging each other because he had posted some beautiful pictures of where he lives in England. One thing led to another and we fell in love. I have never met a more loving, caring, compassionate man. We have so much in common and there are some coincidences in our lives that it's almost scary.

Everything has been wonderful...he is always sending me romantic gifts...nothing expensive but do very thoughtful. He was saving up to come meet me and then he lost his job. We are both devastated. A little side note about me...I have over 20 medical conditions including Lupus, RA and Fibromyalgia plus several heart and lung conditions. He knows all of this but wants to move here so he can help me. Now to why I am here seeking advice. I am going to try to be as objective as I can. Several years ago a friend of Colin borrowed quite a bit of money..over $500. We'll he saw him yesterday and Colin asked if he was going to pay him back. The friend retired and received a lump sum so he had the money. Well instead of paying Colin back, he said he wanted to take him on vacation and Colin asked where to.

The guy said Disneyworld because Colin and his ex wife went years ago and his friend has always wanted to go, but not by himself. He said my boyfriend knows his way around and his friend is very nervous since he's never been out of the country. I guess the guy assumed Colin would say yes because he had already bought the tickets. My boyfriend knew I would be beyond upset because he said he was afraid to tell me. Being upset is an understatement. I haven't stopped crying since yesterday...I just think he's being so selfish and self-centered. He said he hasn't been on vacation for 7 years. Well I haven't been anywhere since 1994. I want to know if any of you fee that I should break up with him, or give him another chance. Sorry this is so long. Thank you ~ Sandy

Why do you think you should break up with him?

You want to break up with him because he went to Disney? Have you even met this guy? He's going to come up with a lot excuses NOT to meet you. He's probably married or in a relationship. You should break up with him because in five years he's made no move to see you, not because he's going to Disney. You're just falling into another abusive relationship.

Its understandable that you're upset he isn't gong to see you, but his choice is his to make. Your burdens arent his at this point of your relationship. If you arent ok with waiting to meet and be together it may be time to breakup.

I don't think you're going to break up with him even if we tell you that you should so instead, I'm going to tell you to just stop hoping to meet him and continue your online goings on without expectation of this advancing past anything but what it already is. (an online relationship) With all your medical troubles and both your financial restrictions its going to be impossible for you to move past online.

You want to break up with him because he went on vacation? That doesn’t make sense... how is he being selfish and self centred exactly?

I mean I get being disappointed, but there is nothing wrong with him wanting to go off and have some fun.

Be careful here... you are coming across as needy and high maintenance, and this will push him away.

Thank you for your responses, but I don't think I explained everything clearly. We are both over 50, and we both are totally committed to each other. He is not married...I have both his cell and landline phone numbers, his address and have spoken to 2 of his sisters on the phone. Whenever he goes out for a drink with his friend to his local pub to listen to a band playing, he records videos on his phone for me. We talk on the phone several times a day and he never goes to bed without calling me to say good night. We had talked in length about getting him here...he wants to move to the states because he knows I can't leave my family and he has no children. He has talked to two of my three children on the phone. This isn't just an online relationship, it is a true committed and serious relationship. We have sent for the paperwork necessary for him to come here under the K-1 ( fiancé) visa. We have researched and questioned several people who have been through the process. In fact, 2 close friends had met online and married and are still together after several years.

That being said, all we have been talking about is saving up in order for him to come and visit...there are certain rules needed to be followed under the fiancé visa. I have since talked to him after posting my question yesterday. He did admit to me that his friend offered him the cash, but when Disney was mentioned he made a spur of the moment decision to go there. I had also went to see my counselor and she said that I should take a step back and re-evaluate how I feel about not only him but the relationship itself. Colin admitted that does love me very much but he agreed with me that he may not truly understand what being in a serious means. So I have a lot to think about.

So, you have never met this man? I am still not clear on that point.

Honestly, his story about this friend who owes him money and randomly bought him a ticket to Disney instead just sounds strange to me. There is something that doesn't sound right about it.

Let's assume for the sake argument that it's true. Why does that upset you so much? Because you would prefer he take the cash so he can see you instead?

However, if he's telling you he might not understand what being in a serious relationship means, you need to take that as a warning sign. It doesn't get much more serious than putting yourself on the line to sponsor him for a visa. Yes, there are cases where it works out. But there are also plenty in which it doesn't. Please do be careful here.

I can't speak for others but I was quite clear on how serious you felt about him. The thing is though Sandy, until his words match his action, you have to take everything at face value. ESPECIALLY with online relationships, that's why so many of them fail, living the fantasy is easy enough actually living the reality is quite different.

He told you the truth. He had an option and he chose Disneyland. It's time to take stock of everything and decide how to proceed. If you are ok with keeping the fantasy, which there's nothing wrong with that for some it's enough, then ok. If you expect things to progress you have to prepare for it not working out. Not saying it absolutely won't. Just look at it as a 50/50 chance. You have health issue he has financial issues, it's a long shot.

Colin admitted that does love me very much but he agreed with me that he may not truly understand what being in a serious means.

You are wasting your own time by staying with someone who, after 4 years, still doesn't truly understand what being in a committed relationship means. What in the world has he been doing all of this time? Why is he just telling you this now? Should it be your job to teach him? And will he actually be willing or able to learn?

Oh dear, this has scammer written all over it.

Oh dear, this has scammer written all over it.

Not ruling that out, but if true that's quite an elaborate scam, lasting four years?

Buying her gifts, having them shipped overseas, which can be a pain in a**.

I also wonder who those women were posing as his sisters?

Going through the trouble of videotaping musical performers while out and sending?

OP, I don't think it's a scam but I do think he has some social anxiety and commitment issues that make these "on-line" relationships very appealing to him.

After four years, all this talk about him meeting you in person, moving to your country and living happily ever after sent him into some sort of an internal panic and now, suddenly, after four years he announces he can't do "serious"?

I think you need to start accepting the fact you are never going to meet this man in person.

Either be okay with on line or end it.

Not ruling that out, but if true that's quite an elaborate scam, lasting four years?

 

Buying her gifts, having them shipped overseas, which can be a pain in a**.

 

I also wonder who those women were posing as his sisters?

 

Going through the trouble of videotaping musical performers while out and sending?

 

OP, I don't think it's a scam but I do think he has some social anxiety and commitment issues that make these "on-line" relationships very appealing to him.

 

After four years, all this talk about him meeting you in person, moving to your country and living happily ever after sent him into some sort of an internal panic and now, suddenly, after four years he announces he can't do "serious"?

 

I think you need to start accepting the fact you are never going to meet this man in person.

 

Either be okay with on line or end it.

Read up on K-1 Visa scams. They can take years. Usually, they have multiple women on the hook at the same time.

It doesn't appear that the OP has even met this one in person.

As for the "sisters", they are usually in on the scam and are receiving something for it.

The gifts could have been purchased with stolen money.

It's extremely common.

Watch "90-Day Fiance".

Read up on K-1 Visa scams. They take years. Usually, they have multiple women on the hook at the same time.

 

It doesn't appear that the OP has even met this one in person.

 

As for the "sisters", they are usually in on the scam and are receiving something for it.

 

It's extremely common.

No I believe you, wow I am so out of the loop!! lol

Thanks for enlightening me!

Scary.

Not ruling that out, but if true that's quite an elaborate scam, lasting four years?

I might be mistaken, but the way I read it is that they've been FB friends for 4 years but only started this relationship last July.

OP, can you clarify?

Hi, I'm new here so I hope it's okay if I ask advice right away.Im in a long distance relationship, and this isn't my first so I'm used to it. I've been married twice to abusive men and I know exactly the type of men I don't want. It was 5 years since I left my last husband and I knew I was ready to find someone...so did my counselor. Well I had known my boyfriend for over 4 years on Facebook. We rarely said anything to one another as both of us are very shy. Well last July, the 5th, we started messaging each other because he had posted some beautiful pictures of where he lives in England. One thing led to another and we fell in love. I have never met a more loving, caring, compassionate man. We have so much in common and there are some coincidences in our lives that it's almost scary.

 

Everything has been wonderful...he is always sending me romantic gifts...nothing expensive but do very thoughtful. He was saving up to come meet me and then he lost his job. We are both devastated. A little side note about me...I have over 20 medical conditions including Lupus, RA and Fibromyalgia plus several heart and lung conditions. He knows all of this but wants to move here so he can help me. Now to why I am here seeking advice. I am going to try to be as objective as I can. Several years ago a friend of Colin borrowed quite a bit of money..over $500. We'll he saw him yesterday and Colin asked if he was going to pay him back. The friend retired and received a lump sum so he had the money. Well instead of paying Colin back, he said he wanted to take him on vacation and Colin asked where to.

 

The guy said Disneyworld because Colin and his ex wife went years ago and his friend has always wanted to go, but not by himself. He said my boyfriend knows his way around and his friend is very nervous since he's never been out of the country. I guess the guy assumed Colin would say yes because he had already bought the tickets. My boyfriend knew I would be beyond upset because he said he was afraid to tell me. Being upset is an understatement. I haven't stopped crying since yesterday...I just think he's being so selfish and self-centered. He said he hasn't been on vacation for 7 years. Well I haven't been anywhere since 1994. I want to know if any of you fee that I should break up with him, or give him another chance. Sorry this is so long. Thank you ~ Sandy

I'm going to respond to each bolded point:

Known for 4 years "on Facebook". Facebook is a known place that scammers spend time, looking for someone vulnerable. If you ever get a friend request from a guy you've never met, it's very likely someone who wants to scam you in some way. I just deleted one yesterday.

"We rarely said anything to each other as we are very shy". = He likely doesn't speak English well. He doesn't want to give himself away via grammatical and syntax errors.

Always sending "romantic, but inexpensive, gifts" = Trying to hook you with romance. Of course they're not expensive; he has no money.

"I have over 20 medical conditions" = he now knows you're weak and vulnerable. He'll "help" you....so in 4 years, how much help have you received from him? So he pours on the romance, the little inexpensive gifts, to keep you hooked, keep you coming back for more.

The bit about his friend owing him money, Disneyland, blah blah blah.....it's all nonsense.

I'll ask again: Have you met this guy IN PERSON???

I might be mistaken, but the way I read it is that they've been FB friends for 4 years but only started this relationship last July.

 

OP, can you clarify?

Just read orig post again and you're right! I misread first time.

They have known each other four years (on FB), but have only been "dating" (on line) since last July.

Not that it matters really, the entire situation just sounds really odd, although stranger things have happened!

But, he had an opportunity to meet her in person and chose Disneyworld with a friend instead.

Ouch!

I'm going to respond to each bolded point:

 

Known for 4 years "on Facebook". Facebook is a known place that scammers spend time, looking for someone vulnerable. If you ever get a friend request from a guy you've never met, it's very likely someone who wants to scam you in some way. I just deleted one yesterday.

 

"We rarely said anything to each other as we are very shy". = He likely doesn't speak English well. He doesn't want to give himself away via grammatical and syntax errors.

 

Always sending "romantic, but inexpensive, gifts" = Trying to hook you with romance. Of course they're not expensive; he has no money.

 

"I have over 20 medical conditions" = he now knows you're weak and vulnerable. He'll "help" you....so in 4 years, how much help have you received from him? So he pours on the romance, the little inexpensive gifts, to keep you hooked, keep you coming back for more.

 

The bit about his friend owing him money, Disneyland, blah blah blah.....it's all nonsense.

 

I'll ask again: Have you met this guy IN PERSON???

LHgirl, do you think he was lying about living in England too?

Just another reason why I disabled my FB!

I used to receive tons of random "friend" requests from men I didn't know, I ignored them but jeez!!

Just read orig post again and you're right! I misread first time.

 

They have known each other four years (on FB), but have only been "dating" (on line) since last July.

 

Not that it matters really, the entire situation just sounds really odd, although stranger things have happened!

But, he had an opportunity to meet her in person and chose Disneyworld with a friend instead.

 

Ouch!

I completely agree. The whole situation doesn't add up.

This isn't just an online relationship, it is a true committed and serious relationship. We have sent for the paperwork necessary for him to come here under the K-1 ( fiancé) visa.

I don't think he's as serious about moving there as he's let on to you that he is. The one chance he had to actually be in your company he chose a vacation with a friend instead. That's not something someone that was Jonesing to be by your side would do.

I'm sorry he has disappointed you in this manner.

^^Such a great point, about his smell. His kisses.

All you have now is your mind, *imagining* how sexy he will smell, his passionate kisses, his strong masculine presence.

It's so easy to get pulled into these "on line" situations, the unknown keeps you hooked into the fantasy.

But until you meet in person, that's all it is - a fantasy.

A compelling fantasy, an intriguing and sexy fantasy, but still only a fantasy.

How could it not be? You have not experienced *reality* with him which can only happen when you meet in person.

I might be mistaken, but the way I read it is that they've been FB friends for 4 years but only started this relationship last July.

 

OP, can you clarify?

You have it correct...we have been Facebook friends for 5 years, but only just a couple for one year.

Until you actually meet. It is just an online relationship based on the fantasy that you've both created. You don't know his smell, you don't know his bad qualities, you don't know if you will mesh in real life, you don't know if you will like his kisses, you don't know if he is a mass murderer or a pedophile. All you know of him is what he's told you and what his sisters know about him that don't include a romantic realm.

 

I don't think he's as serious about moving there as he's let on to you that he is. The one chance he had to actually be in your company he chose a vacation with a friend instead. That's not something someone that was Jonesing to be by your side would do.

 

I'm sorry he has disappointed you in this manner.

Thank you for such a thoughtful and compassionate response. I am taking into serious consideration everyone's advice. I truly appreciate all of you taking the time to respond.

Thank you for such a thoughtful and compassionate response. I am taking into serious consideration everyone's advice. I truly appreciate all of you taking the time to respond.

The community is here to help, and you will get a lot of valuable insight. With more details, you will get more relevant and detailed responses.

Thus, could you do us the favour of responding to the question a few of us have asked: have you ever met him in person?

The community is here to help, and you will get a lot of valuable insight. With more details, you will get more relevant and detailed responses.

 

Thus, could you do us the favour of responding to the question a few of us have asked: have you ever met him in person?

This is true but I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing with people accusing my relationship of being a scam.

If it was a 10 month scam why would he come clean about choosing Disneyland over her? The lack of logic in that is just...He'd have to be the stupidest scammer on this planet to risk her breaking up with him after working to get his visa. There's no need for backstory or to tell her any of this

Like others have said he sounds like a commitmentphobe who isn't sure what he's doing.

Don't kick the woman when she's already down by telling her everything was a lie without any facts. It's just cruel.