Should I be worried?

I moved in with my bf after 2 years of dating. We’ve been living together now for 2 months. I recently found out that he still communicates with one of his exes. They broke up 4 years ago after being together for 5 years. He spoke to her on the phone in front of me and the conversation sounded friendly and innocent. Last week, he let me use his iPad and I found a flirty text exchange between the two of them which took place about 4 months ago. In the exchange, I learned that they had also FaceTimed a few times. In the text exchange,he told her that he missed her and requested that she wear something sexy for an upcoming FaceTime call. She replied she would and after the FaceTime call, she texted him saying it was great seeing him and that they should FaceTime again soon. Of course, i don’t know what was said or done during the FaceTime calls but I assume it was flirtier than what was said in the texts. I know he and the ex don’t have physical contact because she moved to Illinois after their breakup and my bf and I live in New Jersey. I was a little surprised to learn that they kept in touch. I never thought to ask about any of his exes because their breakup was so long ago and she lives in another state. I wasn’t bothered by the long distance friendship until I read the flirty text messages. It bothered me that he told her that he missed her. Should I feel threatened because of a flirty exchange with an ex that doesn’t live in our state or anywhere close to us? Should I discuss the text with him? Is it normal for exes to remain friends and flirt?

Yes, you should be bothered and no, it isn't normal for exes to remain friends like this. I'm of the "once done, done for good" camp, as it's nearly impossible for breakups to be completely mutual, and one person almost always still has feelings.

Add to it, the flirty nature of the messages and his request for her to wear something sexy? Um, no.

My advice, harsh but here it is: Don't talk to him about it. Just tell him it's over, and move out.

Talking about it won't change the fact he's a disgusting cheat. Dump him and move out.

Requested to wear something sexy? Worried? No, don't worry, just leave. He's not worth it.

I would boot his butt to the curb!

She is showing you & your relationship NO respect! :(.

Fine to chat with an ex on occasion- as long as it is not threatening to the relationship he is in,

BUT to talk that way.. that they are? NOT.

You do not flirty face time.. or suggest the ex wear certain clothing.. next time. that's pathatic behaviour.

Nope.. I'd be done with it.

He is cheating on you. Lose the boyfriend.

Yes, you should be worried. Their conversations are not innocent.

Any guy who behaves the way yours is, well, is no longer invested in you. I would not continue this relationship, as he's already showed you that he doesn't value you enough.

There are many ways to rationalize this. Don't. Bottom line, you want a man who wants you, who is already or hopes one day to give you his all and earn the gift of having all of you.

Your bf has kept this private because he knows he has crossed the line. And he has.

End it. He has the capacity to hide. Who needs it.

ETA: Its not about that the ex gf is theatening to you. Its about his willingness to maintain a secret connection with her, one that violates your relationship. boundaries. Dont bother fighting. Just go.

I agree with all of the above posts.

"Where something sexy?" He'd be gone if he were my boyfriend. That's inappropriate and totally disrespectful to you.

He let you use his Ipad which doesn't mean you can scout through it but because you did, it tells me that you had reason to not trust him. You've found a reason why you shouldn't so what are you going to do about it now that you know?

My own private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who remains in touch with an ex in any way, shape or form beyond shared children. You're learning WHY.

The only choice I'd need to make about this guy would be whether I'm paying to get my name off the lease or whether he's getting the boot. Either way, I'd tell him to go stay with his ex until I work out my living arrangements.

There are many ways to rationalize this. Don't. Bottom line, you want a man who wants you, who is already or hopes one day to give you his all and earn the gift of having all of you.

 

Your bf has kept this private because he knows he has crossed the line. And he has.

 

End it. He has the capacity to hide. Who needs it.

 

ETA: Its not about that the ex gf is theatening to you. Its about his willingness to maintain a secret connection with her, one that violates your relationship. boundaries. Dont bother fighting. Just go.

Crystallizing my own thoughts:

It isn't that She is threatening to you. It is that He is threatening to you.