Full Circle Feelings

Not quite sure how to start this but all in all I'm feeling pretty crappy, low and sad.

I haven't been on eNotAlone for quite some time either. I used to use this forum a lot!!! And now I am returning after a long stint away.

Alas, going back to my now ancient previous postings there was a happy ending after all but not the ending I had previously hoped for - getting back together with my ex...

I have an absolutely beautiful wife of nearly 4 years (together for 8), with 2 young absolutely beautiful boys (nearly 3 and the other 3 months). I have a frigging awesome dog too, a job at a major British corporation, and I run my own businesses on the side. Basically, I have a good life.

But recently I have started thinking about my ex - my first love - and it's spiralling out of control.

The crazy thing about this is that it has been 9 years since we broke up and the emotions seem to have gone full circle.

I took it very very hard (she left me) and I probably never really got over it; instead I must have just buried the awful feelings I had and now they seem to be back with a vengeance. I managed to go that entire time without once checking her Facebook profile but recently I decided to have a look. I've since seen that my ex has recently married and I also believe has had a child. I am genuinely happy for her but the sadness of not knowing her any more, even as purely platonic seems to be really hurting my heart. Seems to be? Scratch that. My heart is aching.

I am hoping it is just a phase but it has been around 3-4 weeks now of constantly thinking about my ex and wanting to talk to her, dreaming about her - the lot. Around 6 years ago, I decided to go radio silent with her because I didn't want to upset my wife (then girlfriend) that there was contact - i.e. birthday wishes, family bereavements etc. In the 2-3 years after breaking up there was very light contact, with periods of not so light contact, and in fact, I do believe there was a time when my ex had regretted her decision and changed her tune and approach to me. Nevertheless, I have only seen her 3-4 times in this whole period. I guess now I am starting to feel pretty crappy that I went radio silent, even though most people would say that was all she deserved and that it was about time. It was a coping mechanism really and as much as my friends and family say "you're better off without her", it was only me who had the deepest connection with her and I just can't get angry or mad with her, despite the way she treated me in the end. We were each other's first love and we dated for 2 years. The break up was due to her being confused, not ready to settle down, and so on. It all came out of nowhere to be honest...just a week before we were talking about the house we were going to buy and a holiday to Florida and she told me she loved me more than anything in the world - there was no mistaking the look in her eyes. However, 6 days later my world fell apart. I guess the shock still affects me today, hence this post. I've never had the closure or answers I needed to be able to move on properly and I know I can never ask for that now or ever. But...

Part of me feels like perhaps reaching out just to see how she is doing might sooth my heart and perhaps put an end to this misery I am feeling. But the other part of me believes it could lead to feelings of even greater misery, if reaching out completely failed. Although the break up was odd and cruel, and we're both nice people, it was fairly hostile from her end.

I don't want to be friends, I just want to be friendly. The concept of making peace with the past is something that is always very important to me and I know it is with my ex too. Whatever happened, happened and there must have been times on both sides where reconciliation was on the cards but only when it was too late. Particularly after I met my gorgeous wife who I love to bits. However, all I know is that what I felt and what I experienced with my first love was just out of this world and it laid down the gauntlet for my entire life. My wife is incredible, an incredible woman. Clever, sensible, relentless and funny. But there are things I experienced with my ex that I don't experience now. I am sure many people have this happen to them. And in the law of averages, there surely must be things I did that my ex's husband doesn't come close to doing and of course, vice versa. I feel awful for comparing, nevertheless, but it seems to be a common human trait. I am concerned that perhaps the strain of becoming a father for the second time and life just generally being mental has contributed to all of this in some way. Additionally, I am on medication for anxiety so I do wonder if that is also part of the cause. Still, it's been going on for weeks now so I think a lot of it is down to me. The obsession has gone through the roof, and it's making me very depressed.

My wife is very mature and we were talking about our exes the other day, and what happened after previously never talking about it since we met. I got the impression she wouldn't care a great deal if me and my ex were to chat because she trusts me to the nth degree.

Does anyone have any good suggestions how I get out of this ridiculous situation?

Would I be a fool to reach out to my ex, even if it was to make peace for my own sake and sanity?

Hi; welcome back to ENA. Thanks for your post.

I don't know if there's a crystal clear answer to this. You are obviously under a lot of stress because of this obsession as you call it.

You never got closure to this relationship, which makes your obsession somewhat understandable. You seem to have an idea about why it ended, but a couple things you said makes me think you still have some question as to WHY. And sometimes it's the 'not knowing' that'll kill you.

You also mentioned that talking to your ex could make things worse. Let's be realistic for a moment; you can't very well message her out of nowhere and say "What the hell, lady? Why'd you break up with me all those years ago?" You would have to first get in touch with her, probably apologize for the radio silence, then work up to The Big Question. Which would be stressful as well.

Let me ask you this. What if she doesn't or can't give you a clear answer as to why she ended it? How would you feel then?

You wonder if you recently became obsessed due to your life being mental, etc. This makes sense because sometimes when life is crazy, we think about times when life was stable. And this ex of yours, she was obviously a huge part of your life in what I surmise to be a more happy (nostalgic) part of your life. Less complicated times, etc.

Honestly, there are probably quite a few factors at play here. Whatever you do, tread carefully. Good luck

She’s married and has a child and you now have 2 young kids and a beautiful wife and awesome job yet u want to contact her ...for what??? Horrible idea. And checking in on her social media was a bad move. You need to explore why you’re infatuated with someone who dumped u 9 years ago and has clearly moved on. But contacting her is the worst move. It’s O V E R.

My wife is very mature and we were talking about our exes the other day, and what happened after previously never talking about it since we met. I got the impression she wouldn't care a great deal if me and my ex were to chat because she trusts me to the nth degree.

Don't contact your ex. She doesn't want you to. She is married, she has closed that chapter of her life (as you should be doing) and she doesn't need you imposing your own unprocessed needs upon her. To think any different is selfish on your part and if you have an obsessive need to have her in your life or intrude yourself back into hers then deal with it with the help of a therapist.

Do what you have to do to stop yourself from looking in the rear view mirror and look ahead to the future instead.

Hey Stab,

I shared a lot of the emotions and thoughts you currently have for the ex that brought me to this site. Went NC for my own sanity as her behaviour was totally shocking. I will point out our situations and reasons for the BU are different however, the things you speak of now, I had two years ago.

Two years made it over five years since the original ex and I spoke. But for some reason, thoughts of her bombarded my mind. Relentlessly. I too just wanted contact. I wanted it for some closure, explanation, apology and nothing more. This is what I really believed.

BUT. Looking back, deep down I missed the girl terribly. In fairness I still do and have accepted I always will. When you write there are things that your current partner cannot give you that the ex did - totally understand. The most recent ex could not give things (things intangible I cannot even explain) the ex could.

I give this advice - do NOT contact the ex. If you are anything like me, it will drive you crazy. I made contact and within a matter of weeks we spoke of love, her moving the other side of the world, reconnecting, 'its a movie and meant to be' stuff... But it never worked out.

The ex was on a pedestal for me and she has a power over me I cant explain. But I will say that if you do make the decision to reach out to her, it might create a lot of problems for you in your current life. I am not saying it will, but the possibility of that - is it worth jeopardising your life you have built?

I think you would be better off writing an unsent letter (baggage reclaim has a guideline for these on their website) than actually contacting this woman.

Sometimes people bail on us without a good reason, or with a good reason but we still don’t want them too, learning to let go of people like his is a hard but valuable thing, you can use this as an opportunity to practice unilaterally making the decision to walk away.

Has it occurred to you that you are suddenly thinking about your ex because you have two small children and a hectic life and she is a fantasy escape? You are using the excuse that you need to apologize for going radio silent (which you really, really don't) so that you can contact her and have a fantasy relationship -- either on line, or eventually in person. This is an escapist plan that will only lead to bad things if it in any way works out. If she blows you off you will feel lesser because the fantasy of this other woman will be hurt further, if she shows any interest at all it is going to lead to something that will either screw up your marriage or interfere with the intimacy you have with your wife. Instead of putting all this mental and emotional energy into something inane, why don't you put it into your relationship with your wife instead -- woo her, date her, spend time on her. She just had a baby, she is probably not at her best right now and could use all that support instead of a husband off thinking about another woman.

Part of me feels like perhaps reaching out just to see how she is doing might sooth my heart and perhaps put an end to this misery I am feeling. But the other part of me believes it could lead to feelings of even greater misery, if reaching out completely failed.

If reaching out 'failed' to accomplish what, exactly?

Your misery isn't about your ex, it's about the fantasies you're creating about her today. Neither of you are even the same people you were 9 years ago. Reaching out would just embarrass yourself once you're able to look back on sending the message that you're not very rational at the moment.

Something recent in your life has prompted you to go nostalgic, and memories of your time with this ex are your biggest signpost to that time in your life. This doesn't mean that your past is irrelevant, but you're using it as a distraction away from dealing with something recent that you don't want to tackle.

If you could wave a magic wand and change anything about your current life--with the only rule being that you can't go backward into your past--what would you change?

It sounds to me what is known as Unresolved Grief. Something went amiss in your grieving the end of that relationship. A good therapist may be able to help you work through that.

There is also Quanta Freedom Healing by Melanie Tonia Evans. I haven't tried it yet but am seriously considering it because the heartbreak I am suffering right now is unlike anything I've ever experienced...and stories like yours scare the begeezus out of me!

I will also add my weight to the other posters and say that I don't think contacting her is a good idea. Closure comes from within and you may open a really big can of worms*

Hope this helps.

Carus*

This isn't about this exgf. After all this time it has nothing to do with peace or closure, since you've had peace for years and closure when it ended. It sounds like you are dreaming of a simpler freer life when the responsibilities of wife, kids, job etc are hitting you. Especially after a pregnancy and dealing with a newborn your sex/romantic life may be on hold or more difficult than before. Reopening contact won't help. It will only devastate your wife when she's just had a baby and you are prowling after an exgf.

I have an absolutely beautiful wife of nearly 4 years, with 2 young absolutely beautiful boys (nearly 3 and the other 3 months)

Thank you CML342 - the consensus so far, and it's what I really knew along without admitting it, is to tread VERY carefully and just don't go there. You asked me if "what if she doesn't or can't give you a clear answer as to why she ended it? How would you feel then?". Well, to be honest, I was only interested in just saying hello just she knows I don't hate her. I know deep down a time may never arrive when we can talk about the past and to be honest, that is probably for the best, so that was never my intention. She still wishes happy birthday to a few of my friends on Facebook (which I do find hurtful when I don't get one) because these are not mutual friends; they are my friends, so this does make me think that a conversation wouldn't necessarily go south. But I think I am just going to forget about this - I feel a little better today. So more of that tomorrow please!

I don't believe she has clearly 100% moved on but that doesn't really matter any more as we are both married. So yep, it is a path I should not explore. Thank you.

Thank you for your words of wisdom. As much as I hate to it admit, perhaps I am being selfish. I can be a selfish person and this is a trait I do not like in me because I know I am also a deeply caring person.

Wow Kev. Thanks for your reply and I had better take heed from what you've said in totality. Touching upon the 'intangible unseen things', this is exactly it. It has made me feel very nostalgic and heartsick of the past. I find it hard to forget such things because they reached and touched my soul. So I find it hard to forget but I find it even harder to accept that I will never feel or experience these things again. And I guess that is why it feels like this whole mess has gone full circle i.e. break up > feeling wretched > slowly recovering > rebuilt life > feeling wretched again. So to answer your question, no, it is not worth jeopardising even 1%. Tell my heart that though :-(

Thanks 1a1a - this is what my mother has also advised. I've had a good day today, I must be honest. I am hoping the tide has turned.

Instead of putting all this mental and emotional energy into something inane, why don't you put it into your relationship with your wife instead -- woo her, date her, spend time on her. She just had a baby, she is probably not at her best right now and could use all that support instead of a husband off thinking about another woman.

arjumand - I think you've just given me my orders for the weekend. Thank you.

If reaching out 'failed' to accomplish what, exactly?

 

Your misery isn't about your ex, it's about the fantasies you're creating about her today. Neither of you are even the same people you were 9 years ago. Reaching out would just embarrass yourself once you're able to look back on sending the message that you're not very rational at the moment.

 

Something recent in your life has prompted you to go nostalgic, and memories of your time with this ex are your biggest signpost to that time in your life. This doesn't mean that your past is irrelevant, but you're using it as a distraction away from dealing with something recent that you don't want to tackle.

 

If you could wave a magic wand and change anything about your current life--with the only rule being that you can't go backward into your past--what would you change?

Thanks catfeeder

By failing, I simply meant being flat out pied off - zero response. As I would feel like a fool if that happened. It is my greatest risk...well, was, because I am nearly convinced I should never contact her again after reading all the replies to my post today.

What would I change today? My outlook on life. I can be a bit of a downer. I always worry this is being noticed by my wife, and to be honest, it is also feeding my obsession with my ex in one way or another.

Only my view but I think writing down these concerns on this board was a wise move. It is difficult to look objectively when we are in the midst of it all.

Consider if a close friend told you what you have written here asking for your view. With the young family, the risk is incomprehensible - what if your partner were to stumble across messages between the two of you (obviously only if the contact were to be well-received) she would feel awful and likely very hurt...

It is hard, I have been there. Nothing good came from it in the end - for me. You both have new lives now and whilst the fantasy and nostalgia can trick us into action, never allow the possible negative ramifications to be silenced/belittled.

Making contact really could be a pandora's box. I dont intend this as a challenge, or to mystify/glamourise; I see the potential for seriously bad outcomes.

There will be good days and bad where you feel compelled to contact her. Just don't bl**dy do it.

What would I change today? My outlook on life. I can be a bit of a downer. I always worry this is being noticed by my wife, and to be honest, it is also feeding my obsession with my ex in one way or another.

A coach on my job said it takes 21 days for your brain to rewire the synapses that make new behaviors into a habit. He said to make an ongoing list of habits we want to change and work on only one at a time. Otherwise, glomming habits together forms a giant abstraction, and nobody can tackle those.

So 'outlook' is pretty abstract, but consider addressing your habitual self talk that contributes to it.

The first thing on my habit list was the critical voice I run in my head. My default was to go negative and then try to walk that back with positive rebuttals. That just had me spinning my wheels as I wrestled conflicting beliefs and kept drilling myself into deeper holes to climb out of.

Changing my inner voice from a judgmental downer into that of an inspiring coach changed my approach to every person, place and event in my life. Over time, this not only became my default language, it changed the way I 'see' myself and my life.

Consider working with a therapist who can keep you accountable. You can set private goals for yourself, and then even when you're not in the therapist's office, you'll start viewing your daily life through a lens of narration to report your thoughts, behaviors and the steps you take toward reaching your goals.

Head high, you can do this.

Well, I totally understand how you feel. I have experienced something very similar. I came home one day and my wife was gone with our child, filed for divorce. I was shocked. But in that moment I knew I had to just be quiet and trust.

So that’s whay I did.

I then began to work on myself and I prayed.

I did not try to contact her, she then eventually contacted me

We have been back together since then 3 years ago

I encourage you to remain faithful to your wife and eliminate tk]thoughts of your ex wife

i want to suggest maybe connecting with some friends and doing some fun activities or possibly volunteering to help someone

Only my view but I think writing down these concerns on this board was a wise move. It is difficult to look objectively when we are in the midst of it all.

 

Consider if a close friend told you what you have written here asking for your view. With the young family, the risk is incomprehensible - what if your partner were to stumble across messages between the two of you (obviously only if the contact were to be well-received) she would feel awful and likely very hurt...

 

It is hard, I have been there. Nothing good came from it in the end - for me. You both have new lives now and whilst the fantasy and nostalgia can trick us into action, never allow the possible negative ramifications to be silenced/belittled.

 

Making contact really could be a pandora's box. I dont intend this as a challenge, or to mystify/glamourise; I see the potential for seriously bad outcomes.

 

There will be good days and bad where you feel compelled to contact her. Just don't bl**dy do it.

I have read this about 10 times over the last few days Kev0s. Every time I feel a wave of emotions I say to myself "don't bl**dy do it"! Feeling a lot better to be honest.

Changing my inner voice from a judgmental downer into that of an inspiring coach changed my approach to every person, place and event in my life. Over time, this not only became my default language, it changed the way I 'see' myself and my life.

 

Head high, you can do this.

catfeeder - thanks for this pearl of wisdom. Sounds challenging but what is life if you don't challenge yourself!

Well, I totally understand how you feel. I have experienced something very similar. I came home one day and my wife was gone with our child, filed for divorce. I was shocked. But in that moment I knew I had to just be quiet and trust.

So that’s whay I did.

 

I then began to work on myself and I prayed.

 

 

I did not try to contact her, she then eventually contacted me

 

We have been back together since then 3 years ago

I encourage you to remain faithful to your wife and eliminate tk]thoughts of your ex wife

 

i want to suggest maybe connecting with some friends and doing some fun activities or possibly volunteering to help someone

lifecoach - so sorry that you had to go for all that pain but I am glad it all worked out in the end. Thanks for your post.

stab i just really commend you for sticking with the sensible move of leaving it alone. It is difficult - INSANELY difficult and I know this from experience on this matter.

I assure you that whilst there will be moments of wondering, it is certainly better to leave it at wonder.