How to deal with sudden breakup with BPD girlfriend?

This may end up a long post, so I apologize in advance and hope a few will read. I've been in a relationship with a woman for almost 2 years. I'm 36, she's 28. It's not quite long distance, but we are about 2 hours apart so we only see each other 2 or 3 times a week. She gets nervous talking on the phones, but we texted almost constantly throughout our days during that time. We did occasionally spend the weekend with each other and we take vacations together. We also each have two kids. Up until this breakup, we had plans for me to sell my home and move about an hour closer to bridge the distance, and had plans to vacation this summer with all of the kids together.

I've posted about her here before. During that time, we've broken up for a couple of days about 3 or 4 times. Over the course of the relationship, she had confided in me that she was bipolar and knew being with her would be a challenge. However, after 2 years I'm convinced she has borderline personality disorder. I've tried my best to deal with it, but in the end followed every pattern I've read about for that type of relationship.

Our first breakup was over Valentine's day 2017. I was sick and couldn't spend it with her, so she overreacted extremely. We didn't speak for 3 days but eventually reconciled. This seemed to be the pattern, as any time a conflict arose, even a minor one over something as simple as a disagreement over what to do on a certain weekend, she would get disproportionately angry. Rather than talking to resolve the conflict, her method of dealing with it would be 2 or 3 days of silent treatment. She would tell me to lose her number and don't contact her. Sometimes I would get a text from her saying she's sorry and didn't mean it, others I would have to drive to see her to reconcile. I had hoped this behavior would get better, but it never seemed to change. I stuck it out because when times were good, they were very good. We went to music festivals together, beach trips, and had several date nights every week for 2 years that were wonderful. We were in almost constant contact via text. In some ways, I don't think I've ever met someone I had so much in common with.

There were other issues that I (stupidly, I know) overlooked. She has a drinking problem, but won't admit it. She's great fun when we're out, but sometimes will have 1 or 2 before we go and I won't realize till she's drunk that she hasn't "only had 3". She also drinks a couple times during the week home alone, which I view as unhealthy. She definitely has an anger problem, and can be triggered by just about anything. She ran out and got a tattoo, I hated it, we fought about it. And she has lots of stories of family abuse, which I am now starting to question. And extreme insecurity issues to where the slightest criticism or anything that can be viewed as such is a huge argument.

Friday two weeks ago, I thought we were in a really good place. We hadn't been fighting, we had vacation plans for 4 or 5 trips this summer, and were a week away from one of her kids birthday parties, which for the first time I was going to be bringing both of my kids to be around her whole family at once. To me this seemed like a huge step, as we don't often have them all together. I was, oddly enough, really happy that day. At some point during the evening I commented on how much fun we had when we were out drinking the night before. She then started crying and saying "You don't find me attractive, you don't want to f* me unless you're drunk". I tried to comfort her and assure her this was not the case, after all we were together several times a week for 2 years, often in the car if we couldn't make the drive to each others home, so the very suggestion to me was ridiculous, but nothing I could say was good enough and it eventually lead to her hysterically yelling "get out of my car" in a restaurant parking lot to which I eventually complied and said "I can't deal with this crazy anymore. Maybe this time I'll block you for a couple of days"

I tried to contact her a few days later to make up as we had before, but she wouldn't answer the phone. I only got two texts back, both hostile, telling me to lose her number and leave her alone. The next week was our kids birthday parties and I didn't want to deal with any drama during those, but the next weekend I drove 2 hours to see her and attempt to reconcile as we always had before. She was home but wouldn't even answer the door. I got a text from her telling me to leave or she would call the cops. Walking away I glanced in her car and saw two things: Cigarettes, she had started smoking again. And empty condom wrappers, not the kind we ever bought. I sent her a text back about this, she claimed they were ours, but of course I know better and am 100% certain on this.

I'm so confused now. I don't know if she was cheating on me the whole time or just moved on within a week. But I began to question a lot of her stories. She had said her children's father was a heroin addict who never tried to see them and couldn't keep a cell phone to even call and ask about them. She said he only calls when he can borrow a phone at work. On a whim, I called an old number he had called me from 2 years ago that I had in my old phone. Turns out, he's had the same cell number this whole time. He said she blocked his number and he has to call from a different one to get thru, but she won't let him see his kids.

I'm not sure how mentally to get over this. There was no conversation to have any sort of closure here. It was like things were finally perfect one minute and we were planning a future, the next she has a breakdown, and now she hates me. From everything I read on BPD I'm now "split black" and there will never be any discussion with her that will tell me why. There's a part of her I still love, but I'm starting to question how much of what I knew about her was real. Thought about writing a letter that might be better received since she won't allow a face to face conversation. She hasn't spoken a word to me since that night, just a few hostile texts. I know wanting her back is unhealthy, but I could move on a lot easier if I just knew what happened.

Any comments and all advice welcome.

You don't need any closure. This was an extremely unstable situation. Over and over.

This was super unhealthy for you, but even more so, for your children. They should not have to deal with this.

Stay away from this woman, and I would highly suggest that you get counseling to understand what attracted you to this dynamic. Don't put your kids into this type of scenario again.

You don't need any closure. This was an extremely unstable situation. Over and over.

 

This was super unhealthy for you, but even more so, for your children. They should not have to deal with this.

 

Stay away from this woman, and I would highly suggest that you get counseling to understand what attracted you to this dynamic. Don't put your kids into this type of scenario again.

I should have mentioned this in the OP, but it was getting overly long. I do try to keep my dating and kids separate, so for the first year of this my kids actually hadn't met her. We had only recently started including all the kids in things, so it seems like while I thought we were getting closer and moving towards being more stable, the opposite may have been true.

I agree I probably need some sort of counseling after this. I wasn't attracted to this dynamic, it's just what something that started out so good ended up being twisted into.

Sorry to hear this. It hasn't been stable or working. Perhaps since you were both rebounding from your divorces it seemed ok at first because the intensity had a numbing effect. However she doesn't seem like long term material, especially around your kids. At least she warned you about bipolar disorder and the argumentativeness, impulsive, and substance abuse that often goes along with that when it is poorly or not treated.

Over the course of the relationship, she had confided in me that she was bipolar and knew being with her would be a challenge.

Your in mourning for a relationship you never had. If you hadn’t been at this distance it would have never lasted this long. She is acting abusive towards you and there isn’t much reason to believe that she hasn’t been cheating on you the whole time. She is unstable, punishing and lying to you. I know the good times were good but the bad times are who she is.

Stop trying to contact her. And get mentally ready to deal with her when she contacts you. You are lucky to be getting out now. This kind of treatment ends up distorting your since of self. It can make you question your sanity. And it can keep you on such a rollercoster of emotions that you don’t notice how awfully you are being treated.

You can have a partner who isn’t constantly breaking up with you or starting fights out of nowhere. You can have a partner who is honest with you. You can have a partner who isn’t abusive. You need to keep this person out of your life and out of your head.

I have a different take on this... Sure, there are clearly some facts that you are right to be concerned about... but I am also seeing you blaming her mental illness for the problems in the relationship. Granted, yes people with bi-polar disorder have their challenges, however that doesn't mean they should be scapegoated and forced to take responsibility for the problems in the relationship just because of their mental illness.

I see a great deal of this in my life... partners that blame the one with the mental illness, or the addiction, for the relationship issues... in reality, those partners need to look at their codependency and control issues, and the reasons they are attracted to those people in the first place.

But, if there were a lot of issues within the first year. When you date, you should always consider the stability of the individual, not only for yourself, but your children.

There were many red flags that were ignored through all of this. Did you grow up in a toxic environment? Does this type of chaos feel familiar?

 

I agree I probably need some sort of counseling after this. I wasn't attracted to this dynamic, it's just what something that started out so good ended up being twisted into.

You were most deffinetely 100% Attracted to the dynamic. You had far too many warning signs you admit you saw and you stayed.

Your denial explains why you're so adamant on labeling her mental status, it takes away all blame from you. It's 50/50, you chose her just as much as she chose you.

For your kids sake I hope you own that and figure out what's attracting you to chaos so you don't bring that to your kids door steps.

Good luck.

I have a different take on this... Sure, there are clearly some facts that you are right to be concerned about... but I am also seeing you blaming her mental illness for the problems in the relationship. Granted, yes people with bi-polar disorder have their challenges, however that doesn't mean they should be scapegoated and forced to take responsibility for the problems in the relationship just because of their mental illness.

 

I see a great deal of this in my life... partners that blame the one with the mental illness, or the addiction, for the relationship issues... in reality, those partners need to look at their codependency and control issues, and the reasons they are attracted to those people in the first place.

I didn't blame the illness initially. In fact, I downplayed it for a long time when I really should have pushed more for her to get help. She's been off and on meds, none of which really work. If you look up the bpd push/pull relationship cycle, I'm bringing the illness up in retrospect because of how spot on its description of the relationship is.

The irony is our biggest problems were always things that seemed insignificant. If I tried to compliment her on one thing, it would be viewed as a slight against something else she was insecure about. If I offered to help (for example, help her clean her house when she was depressed and couldn't), I was told I was "judging" her. Our arguments were often rooted in things she believed I was insinuating that only existed in her head.

Look up co dependency.

But, if there were a lot of issues within the first year. When you date, you should always consider the stability of the individual, not only for yourself, but your children.

 

There were many red flags that were ignored through all of this. Did you grow up in a toxic environment? Does this type of chaos feel familiar?

The first issues didn't really crop up until about 9 months in. While she had warned me, I didn't really see it for a long time. She hid the drinking from me really well, I didn't figure it out till I started noticing empty bottles in her trash and at her home. Same thing with her off and on smoking, because we weren't together every day, she was able to hide it.

This kind of chaos isn't something I'm used to at all. My parents are divorced, but I wouldn't say my upbringing was toxic at all. The thing I think lured me in was how great things were at first. I've spent the rest of the relationship trying to get back to that. It almost seems like the closer I tried to get, the more chaotic she became.

You stuck around. You must have been getting something out of this. Most would have bailed, as it is unhealthy, unstable and abusive.

The first issues didn't really crop up until about 9 months in. While she had warned me, I didn't really see it for a long time. She hid the drinking from me really well, I didn't figure it out till I started noticing empty bottles in her trash and at her home. Same thing with her off and on smoking, because we weren't together every day, she was able to hide it.

 

This kind of chaos isn't something I'm used to at all. My parents are divorced, but I wouldn't say my upbringing was toxic at all. The thing I think lured me in was how great things were at first. I've spent the rest of the relationship trying to get back to that. It almost seems like the closer I tried to get, the more chaotic she became.

The bad has been the majority of your relationship. Once again, this should have been a major factor when it came to your kids.

You stuck around. You must have been getting something out of this. Most would have bailed, as it is unhealthy, unstable and abusive.

I don't deny what others have said about choosing her and the relationship being 50/50. Like I said, the good times were great. We had fun when we were together, we could have this seeming perfect relationship for a while, then it's like a switch flips and she's pushing me away and just picking some reason for use to argue that makes no sense. In my view, I always thought the her I saw during the good times was what was real, and the bad was something we could eventually overcome. And that wasn't the majority of the relationship. Obviously it's what I'm complaining about, but you have to realize we could have weeks or even months that were great before it fell right back into this pattern for a time.

I've been researching a lot of BPD relationship dynamics this week trying to make sense of it. I suppose the intensity of how good things could be at times kept bringing me back in.

This kind of relationship dynamic can really sneak up on you. And while I don’t think it’s useful for the OP to diagnose his ex, this kind of behavior is really hard to sort through if you’ve never faced it before. If you have a healthy attachment style it can be hard to understand the dynamic that is building. If your attitude towards issues in the relationship is to reassure and work on helping your partner feel better it’s super easy to get trapped into this. It doesn’t mean that you are unhealthy (although I would recommend therapy to work through the break up and start wrapping your head around the dynamic) it means basic caring giving partners are easily sucked in.

Maybe I’m biased because I was in a relationship with someone I have decided had BPD tendencies. I’ve never been in a abusive relationship before or after. My childhood was idealic my parents are still together in a loving relationship and they never even raised their voices at each other in front of me.

There are kinds of abuse that heathy people fall for.

You only saw her a couple of times a week .

Botton line, the bad behavior was unacceptable and you should have ended this over a year ago.

Instead of researching her issues, research your own: co dependency. You can't change her, but you can change you.

You only saw her a couple of times a week .

 

Botton line, the bad behavior was unacceptable and you should have ended this over a year ago.

 

Instead of researching her issues, research your own: co dependency. You can't change her, but you can change you.

Like rose said, in the post above, I haven't been in this type of relationship before. It's not like it's something I go for. The relationship ended up being somewhat codependent but it's hard to see it slowly building into that. While I need help and possibly some counseling in getting over it, you seem to be very insistent in multiple posts that this is something I'm attracted to, which is far from the truth.

Also, what does only seeing her a few times a week have to do with it? We both have children and jobs where we don't work the same shift? If you're not living together, are you insinuating it's entirely abnormal to talk to someone every day and see them 2 or 3 nights a week, because I really don't think it is.

I'm wary of people looking up mental health conditions online and diagnosing their (usually) ex-partner on the basis of what they've read - despite not having had any clinical training or experience. As they say: "Labels are for jars, not people".

The dynamic you describe is typical of abusive relationships and that's all you need to know. It takes time for people to reveal themselves, and her true nature would have revealed itself far more forcibly if you'd lived closer together. This behaviour also gets worse with time, and the intervals between the showdowns get shorter and shorter. Right now, all you can do is start from here.

Trying to work out what happened is trying to make sense of something senseless. Don't waste your time. Certainly don't waste your time writing to her (though it may well help to write it all down, just don't send the letter!)

All sorts of people will walk through our lives, but it's our responsibility how we handle them. A healthy person would have detached at the first sign of this kind of drama, and would have been wary when she told you she had bipolar (though I do know people with bipolar who lead perfectly normal lives, no drama, and they take their meds religiously). As others have said, you need to look at why you stayed there - that's where the potential for growth lies, not in analysing her.

Maybe I’m biased because I was in a relationship with someone I have decided had BPD tendencies. I’ve never been in a abusive relationship before or after. My childhood was idealic my parents are still together in a loving relationship and they never even raised their voices at each other in front of me.

 

There are kinds of abuse that heathy people fall for.

I'm not going to try and diagnose my ex either, but this all sounds familiar. It was intense and great then suddenly it was anger then abusive. And I wanted to focus on the great and get back there, but any "discussion" that brought up how I felt was a huge setback. So I stopped mentioning anything I needed/wanted for a bit telling myself it was stress or I really did do something awful even though I didn't. Not saying no blame ever on my part, I totally made mistakes, but the response was nuclear bomb level to what is usually a calm conversation about it. It snuck up on me because I am usually the cuddly caregiving type so it seemed ok to say they needed that more. Until I really needed it then it was a nightmare because instead of support I got why I was an awful person for focusing on myself or asking for support or even asking to not be attacked at that particular moment.

I'm wary of people looking up mental health conditions online and diagnosing their (usually) ex-partner on the basis of what they've read - despite not having had any clinical training or experience. As they say: "Labels are for jars, not people".

 

The dynamic you describe is typical of abusive relationships and that's all you need to know. It takes time for people to reveal themselves, and her true nature would have revealed itself far more forcibly if you'd lived closer together. This behaviour also gets worse with time, and the intervals between the showdowns get shorter and shorter. Right now, all you can do is start from here.

 

Trying to work out what happened is trying to make sense of something senseless. Don't waste your time. Certainly don't waste your time writing to her (though it may well help to write it all down, just don't send the letter!)

 

All sorts of people will walk through our lives, but it's our responsibility how we handle them. A healthy person would have detached at the first sign of this kind of drama, and would have been wary when she told you she had bipolar (though I do know people with bipolar who lead perfectly normal lives, no drama, and they take their meds religiously). As others have said, you need to look at why you stayed there - that's where the potential for growth lies, not in analysing her.

You are correct in that I have no clinical training to diagnose her and am just guessing based off her behaviors. I also don't know what her doctors have really said to her, just what I was told they said. The only fact I know is there is SOME illness there and she's been off and on a range of meds that didn't help or weren't taken properly.

There is definitely something to be said for trying to figure out why I stayed with her. I suppose having so much in common as far as liking almost all the same things, both having kids, and both recently separated/divorced led to being able to form an attachment quickly. I tend not to give up on people as easily as maybe I should. I tend to be somewhat of a sucker in that way, trying to continue to see the good in someone.

With my ex it took two years before the abuse started. I was really invested at that point and I was willing to work hard to make it work... the problem was there was no amount of work I could do that could fix the issue.

It sounds so silly now but that relationship was the first one where I had to draw a line. I won’t stay with a partner who actively tries to hurt me. Punishment is actively trying to hurt. It shouldn’t matter how hurt or angry or scared my partner is, it is -never- okay for them to intentionally inflict pain. It’s so easy to forgive them when the lashing out clearly comes from thier own hurt... it’s so easy to take it and try and make things easier on them when thier hurt is so clear. And it seems solvable... if they aren’t scared and hurt, if they can feel supported and loved and not judged, then they won’t need to lash out. The problem is there is nothing you can do to make them feel supported and loved. It’s the insides of their head that makes them feel insecure. It’s thier own voice telling them awful things about themselves but it’s easier to decide that it’s coming from you.

Abusive relationships are more tricky then a lot of the posters are giving them credit for. The OP isn’t a white knight trying to co-dependently save her. He’s a normal caring guy trying to sort out what the heck just happened.

I tend not to give up on people as easily as maybe I should. I tend to be somewhat of a sucker in that way, trying to continue to see the good in someone.

You can see the good in someone without discounting the aspects of their personality which means they are not relationship material. You can see the good in someone without wishing to be friends with them. It's not a question of 'giving up' on people, it's a question of being realistic about what you can or cannot expect of them. It's about acknowledging who they really are without labelling them as 'good' or 'bad', just asking yourself how they mesh with you - and your children.

When everything's going fine in a relationship, it isn't being tested. The test as to whether a relationship will stay the course lies in how you handle conflict and stress. If you can maintain loving communication despite disagreeing with each other, you stand a chance. Going into a three-day-mega-sulk because she wasn't going to get her way on Valentine's Day is not the action of someone who's long term relationship material. Spoilt little girls generally aren't, though they may be delightful in other ways.

being more stable

- with her mental health, this is what you won't get.

You know of her unstability and I am sure it has wreaked a bit of havoc on you in this time around her.

Therefore... it's all Toxic!

Best to keep your distance now.. and remain there.

You don't need this. Your kids don't need any of it either. There will be NO success with her... only continuous prob's.

Now.... don't chase.. and don't go there.. at all!

Or it'll keep bringing you down... or cause more damage.

Toxic... remember that.

Do you really think you're going to get some kind of reasonable explanation from her? That she will accept responsibility?

One of two things will happen; either she'll continue with the abusive communications or you will fall into bed with her and go right back, "hoping" it'll be "different" this time. Until the next episode, and the next, and the next...

Ask yourself why you want to invite the chaos back into your life.

Like rose said, in the post above, I haven't been in this type of relationship before. It's not like it's something I go for. The relationship ended up being somewhat codependent but it's hard to see it slowly building into that. While I need help and possibly some counseling in getting over it, you seem to be very insistent in multiple posts that this is something I'm attracted to, which is far from the truth.

 

Also, what does only seeing her a few times a week have to do with it? We both have children and jobs where we don't work the same shift? If you're not living together, are you insinuating it's entirely abnormal to talk to someone every day and see them 2 or 3 nights a week, because I really don't think it is.

Perhaps, if you had been together more, then you would have bailed sooner. Find someone local.