How to deal with sudden breakup with BPD girlfriend?

[maew]

There is definitely something to be said for trying to figure out why I stayed with her. I suppose having so much in common as far as liking almost all the same things, both having kids, and both recently separated/divorced led to being able to form an attachment quickly. I tend not to give up on people as easily as maybe I should. I tend to be somewhat of a sucker in that way, trying to continue to see the good in someone.

 

Because your original question was on how to deal with the breakup, let me throw this out there... try to dig deeper, beyond what attracted you to her in the first place, to what kept you there. For example: My ex was an abusive jerk, yet I stayed with him for years. Why? Partly ego: I felt if I stayed and demanded he change his ways, or stayed and did what he asked, that he would change. That was about control and denial.... refusing to accept the situation for what it was. Partly co-dependency: I used him as an excuse to never have to look at my own part in the relationship... and no one would ever have questioned it given how he treated me, but in reality I had a choice whether to stay or go, and I chose to stay so I could make him the scapegoat of my crappy life.

Partly low-self esteem: I felt I didn't deserve better, that I deserved to be treated that way, and that if I ended my relationship I would be a failure. That was about me not valuing myself.

 

Learning all of this helped me face reality and let go of blame, so I could move forward and find something (or someone) better. And as a result, who I am attracting into my life today has HUGELY improved.

 

Food for thought.

[figureitout23]

Because your original question was on how to deal with the breakup, let me throw this out there... try to dig deeper, beyond what attracted you to her in the first place, to what kept you there. For example: My ex was an abusive jerk, yet I stayed with him for years. Why? Partly ego: I felt if I stayed and demanded he change his ways, or stayed and did what he asked, that he would change. That was about control and denial.... refusing to accept the situation for what it was. Partly co-dependency: I used him as an excuse to never have to look at my own part in the relationship... and no one would ever have questioned it given how he treated me, but in reality I had a choice whether to stay or go, and I chose to stay so I could make him the scapegoat of my crappy life.

Partly low-self esteem: I felt I didn't deserve better, that I deserved to be treated that way, and that if I ended my relationship I would be a failure. That was about me not valuing myself.

 

Learning all of this helped me face reality and let go of blame, so I could move forward and find something (or someone) better. And as a result, who I am attracting into my life today has HUGELY improved.

 

Food for thought.

 

BINGO!

 

OPer, you're doing the typical martyr thing. You're not the first person to post here saying 'I just want to see the best in people', you're not the first person using these exact words when trying to psychoanalyze your ex. A good question to ask yourself is 'why do I feel the need to diagnose her' " why am I looking for answers'? by your own description shes unstable so trying to find logic in her actions is the definition of insanity, yet here you are. Why? Its hard, but were saying this for a reason, you will get so much more peace and understanding if you focus on you and not her. All youre doing right now is keeping her in your mind, which may or may not be purposeful but its definitely not helpful.

[kleptoz28]

I definitely need to sort some things out here with myself. I know the relationship was toxic and unhealthy for me. I know she's too emotionally unstable to properly handle conflict and maintain a relationship. The terrible part is I still miss her. It's hard not to miss the good times in-between. But that's all it ever would have been with her is a rollercoaster with more drama waiting just a few weeks or months ahead.

[JustinPonders]

Brotha, I had to do a double take after reading your post. My BPD ex acted just like yours. To. The. T.

 

It's been 2 years post BU. Prepare for many breadcrumbs in the next few months. But take my word for it, I fell for them all and I went absolutely NOWHERE. Please learn from my mistakes man. Don't fall for them, no matter how sweet and pure. It's all a lie. They're truly mentally handicap. They aren't like you and me. They have a completely different world view on relationship and there is nothing, NOTHING you can say to her to convince her otherwise. Unfortunately your ex has indeed split you black and once you're in this stage it's pretty much game over. And to be honest you're better off, even though I know you so don't want to hear this.

 

I know you had great memories with her. I know she was hot, sexy, flattering (probably love-bombed the hell out of you) and made all your bulbs light up. I know you were totally attracted to her. I know you had exciting times with her when things were great. I know how bad you wanted to communicate to her how much you're into her and for her to know this. I know you want nothing more then to be with her ONLY. I know-I know-I know. But the sad truth is they will never, ever get it. EVER. Even if you got back with her, today, you guys would just end up broken in a short time after anyway. So what's the point? It's a doomed situation. Lose-lose, for you, that is. To her it's just a sick and twisted mental mindset that is in total cruise control. This is her comfort zone. This is what she only knows.

 

BPD'ers eventually sabotage their relationships because it's in their nature.

 

It literally took me almost 1 1/2 years to get over my BPD ex. I went through hell and back, I can't even begin to tell you. I got so bad that I started having panic attacks. I wanted her back so bad. I literally felt like a heroin addict completely cut off from heroin in one quick swoop that just wanted another fix and in a hurry. You are definitely going to go through hell so I'm just going to prepare you. But just hang in there. You have no choice. Time is your only heal. And a lot of it. Just be patient with yourself. You're going to have days where you just can't stand it.

 

I remember one time standing in my kitchen and I literally wanted to run and jump through my 2nd floor kitchen window because I couldn't believe the mess I was in and how I got there. All I kept doing was blaming myself. I would constantly repeat to myself "how did I get here!?" "Why wasn't I more patient!!!???" "Why didn't I do this...!?" "Do that!!!" "Not do this!!!" "Not do that!!!" "Love her more!!!??" "I'll never meet anyone like her!" "My life is over!" "I hate my life, myself!" etc, etc, etc. I would even make desperation deals with God "Please bring her back to me and I'll do this, do that, not do this, not do that." I'm telling you dude, it was pure hell and quit frankly, pathetic.

 

And I'm 43. You would think I would've been better equipped to handle myself at this stage of my life. It couldn't be further from the truth.

 

All I can tell you is this. Sure, you could have done things different to have changed outcomes for the better, but in the end high levels BPD'ers aren't able to cope with difficult situations in a reasonable manner anyway. They just don't have the mental capacity to do so. Like I said even the next relationship she will eventually sabotage just like yours. It's in their nature.

 

So coming from a relationship in which my ex was almost exactly like yours all I can tell you is this. It's been almost 2 years since BU as of this Jun and I'm almost 100% over her. Yes, I still think about her and from time to time I do miss her but overall she's been almost completely drained from my system. The heroin jonesing is all but gone. Thank God. Because it was pure hell. HELL. So here I am now feeling like a stronger Elder who has literally fought in the biggest war of my life and lived to tell you what you should be prepared for. Please learn from my mistakes.

 

Like I said, prepare for breadcrumbs because they WILL come. And when they do your automatic, knee-jerk reaction will be to re-engage. You're going to be so gawddam excited. Every bulb in your system is going to re-light suddenly. You're black and white image of the world will suddenly saturate with colors again. You're dopamine will re-flood your receptors. You're essentially being teased by a small does of heroin again. You'e getting your fix. But heed my words. Don't! It's a setup. It's false. In fact, it's a trap. She's setting you up for failure. She has already given up on you. She's only sending you those false messages because she too has some residual feelings left over but in the back of her BPD head will eventually take over and lock you out. It's a fail-safe mechanism built into their subconscious.

 

So, in conclusion. Ditch this broad completely. I'm talking COMPLETELY.

 

Block her from every form of communication dude: phone calls, social media, friends of hers, emails, delete all her pictures, ALL, throw away all her belongings, dude, EVERYTHING. You're essentially doing the equivalent of a hard-drive format. You cannot handle her, not even a small, small taste. You're mind is going to play a lot of games with you saying you can. EEKkk! Wrong! You're going to constantly repeat "I can handle it. I'll just write her, talk to her, communicate to her, reason with her." blah, blah, blah. Remember, your brain wants it fix. What I'm trying to tell you is you cannot, again, you can NOT sustain a healthy and loving relationship with a high level BPD'er no matter what. NEVER. You can fool yourself all you want but it just won't happen and it's NOT YOUR FAULT!

 

Please, take my advice man. I deeply care about your happiness and well being dude. I know because I was once in your shoes and like I said it was pure, pure hell. Like I was bad.

 

I had many, many mornings where I didn't want to wake up. Literally. I thought my life was over. Every scenario on full repeat for close to 1 year. 1 year!!! Do you realize how long of a hell situation that is to be in when all you're thinking is negative!?

 

Please, just be good to yourself. I know you're probably going to fail here and there and that's okay. But in the end you MUST look out for yourself. She's no good for you. You are awesome. You are a good person. You are a loving person. You will get over her, trust me. If I can, believe me, you will too. If you find yourself in a few months still struggling, well, it just means you need more time. Cry all you want. Cry, cry, cry. It's okay. Let it all out. Just remember, time is your ONLY source of healing. I don't care what everyone says about keeping yourself busy and what not. Sure, they help but the problem with doing things by a form of distraction is that you'll eventually end up alone in silence at some point and that's when usually you fall apart again.

 

So please, be good to yourself in this time of distress. keep repeating to yourself "It's not my fault. I did my best" over and over. Block her at all cost. And if you blocked her completely then you shouldn't fall for any breadcrumbs, being as she's unable to communicate with you, but if she does, block that avenue and move on. Meanwhile, take time to yourself for a while until you feel you're ready to date again. Meet someone who is more mentally stable and loving. Eventually, like I said, in time, you'll get over her, just as I got over mine. And you'll one day be free of this woman. FREE!!!!!

 

P.S. Anger/rage will eventually settle in but my best advice to you on this is this...forgive her. Repeat to yourself over and over that you forgive her. Send to her, telepathically, Love and Forgiveness. No matter the pain and sorrow she caused you and all the rage built inside of you, forgive her. It took me 1 1/2 years to finally forgive my ex but I'll tell you this, it did help me to heal almost completely and instantly once I made that decision and stuck to it. I forgave my ex 100%. To be honest, we haven't walked in their shoes so we don't know the hellish, negative experience they went through which made them like this. They're human beings too. You can only feel compassion for them and hope to have them find their ways to a better person, but unfortunately almost all BPD'ers won't. But that's not your job to do. Just send them off their way brotha. Send them off. She came to you, taught you a huge lesson in life and now she's gone. Please, just send her off. Now, work on you.

 

Good luck

 

pm me if you need further help, anytime!!!

[kleptoz28]

Brotha, I had to do a double take after reading your post. My BPD ex acted just like yours. To. The. T.

 

It's been 2 years post BU. Prepare for many breadcrumbs in the next few months. But take my word for it, I fell for them all and I went absolutely NOWHERE. Please learn from my mistakes man. Don't fall for them, no matter how sweet and pure. It's all a lie. They're truly mentally handicap. They aren't like you and me. They have a completely different world view on relationship and there is nothing, NOTHING you can say to her to convince her otherwise. Unfortunately your ex has indeed split you black and once you're in this stage it's pretty much game over. And to be honest you're better off, even though I know you so don't want to hear this.

 

I know you had great memories with her. I know she was hot, sexy, flattering (probably love-bombed the hell out of you) and made all your bulbs light up. I know you were totally attracted to her. I know you had exciting times with her when things were great. I know how bad you wanted to communicate to her how much you're into her and for her to know this. I know you want nothing more then to be with her ONLY. I know-I know-I know. But the sad truth is they will never, ever get it. EVER. Even if you got back with her, today, you guys would just end up broken in a short time after anyway. So what's the point? It's a doomed situation. Lose-lose, for you, that is. To her it's just a sick and twisted mental mindset that is in total cruise control. This is her comfort zone. This is what she only knows.

 

BPD'ers eventually sabotage their relationships because it's in their nature.

 

It literally took me almost 1 1/2 years to get over my BPD ex. I went through hell and back, I can't even begin to tell you. I got so bad that I started having panic attacks. I wanted her back so bad. I literally felt like a heroin addict completely cut off from heroin in one quick swoop that just wanted another fix and in a hurry. You are definitely going to go through hell so I'm just going to prepare you. But just hang in there. You have no choice. Time is your only heal. And a lot of it. Just be patient with yourself. You're going to have days where you just can't stand it.

 

I remember one time standing in my kitchen and I literally wanted to run and jump through my 2nd floor kitchen window because I couldn't believe the mess I was in and how I got there. All I kept doing was blaming myself. I would constantly repeat to myself "how did I get here!?" "Why wasn't I more patient!!!???" "Why didn't I do this...!?" "Do that!!!" "Not do this!!!" "Not do that!!!" "Love her more!!!??" "I'll never meet anyone like her!" "My life is over!" "I hate my life, myself!" etc, etc, etc. I would even make desperation deals with God "Please bring her back to me and I'll do this, do that, not do this, not do that." I'm telling you dude, it was pure hell and quit frankly, pathetic.

 

And I'm 43. You would think I would've been better equipped to handle myself at this stage of my life. It couldn't be further from the truth.

 

All I can tell you is this. Sure, you could have done things different to have changed outcomes for the better, but in the end high levels BPD'ers aren't able to cope with difficult situations in a reasonable manner anyway. They just don't have the mental capacity to do so. Like I said even the next relationship she will eventually sabotage just like yours. It's in their nature.

 

So coming from a relationship in which my ex was almost exactly like yours all I can tell you is this. It's been almost 2 years since BU as of this Jun and I'm almost 100% over her. Yes, I still think about her and from time to time I do miss her but overall she's been almost completely drained from my system. The heroin jonesing is all but gone. Thank God. Because it was pure hell. HELL. So here I am now feeling like a stronger Elder who has literally fought in the biggest war of my life and lived to tell you what you should be prepared for. Please learn from my mistakes.

 

Like I said, prepare for breadcrumbs because they WILL come. And when they do your automatic, knee-jerk reaction will be to re-engage. You're going to be so gawddam excited. Every bulb in your system is going to re-light suddenly. You're black and white image of the world will suddenly saturate with colors again. You're dopamine will re-flood your receptors. You're essentially being teased by a small does of heroin again. You'e getting your fix. But heed my words. Don't! It's a setup. It's false. In fact, it's a trap. She's setting you up for failure. She has already given up on you. She's only sending you those false messages because she too has some residual feelings left over but in the back of her BPD head will eventually take over and lock you out. It's a fail-safe mechanism built into their subconscious.

 

So, in conclusion. Ditch this broad completely. I'm talking COMPLETELY.

 

Block her from every form of communication dude: phone calls, social media, friends of hers, emails, delete all her pictures, ALL, throw away all her belongings, dude, EVERYTHING. You're essentially doing the equivalent of a hard-drive format. You cannot handle her, not even a small, small taste. You're mind is going to play a lot of games with you saying you can. EEKkk! Wrong! You're going to constantly repeat "I can handle it. I'll just write her, talk to her, communicate to her, reason with her." blah, blah, blah. Remember, your brain wants it fix. What I'm trying to tell you is you cannot, again, you can NOT sustain a healthy and loving relationship with a high level BPD'er no matter what. NEVER. You can fool yourself all you want but it just won't happen and it's NOT YOUR FAULT!

 

Please, take my advice man. I deeply care about your happiness and well being dude. I know because I was once in your shoes and like I said it was pure, pure hell. Like I was bad.

 

I had many, many mornings where I didn't want to wake up. Literally. I thought my life was over. Every scenario on full repeat for close to 1 year. 1 year!!! Do you realize how long of a hell situation that is to be in when all you're thinking is negative!?

 

Please, just be good to yourself. I know you're probably going to fail here and there and that's okay. But in the end you MUST look out for yourself. She's no good for you. You are awesome. You are a good person. You are a loving person. You will get over her, trust me. If I can, believe me, you will too. If you find yourself in a few months still struggling, well, it just means you need more time. Cry all you want. Cry, cry, cry. It's okay. Let it all out. Just remember, time is your ONLY source of healing. I don't care what everyone says about keeping yourself busy and what not. Sure, they help but the problem with doing things by a form of distraction is that you'll eventually end up alone in silence at some point and that's when usually you fall apart again.

 

So please, be good to yourself in this time of distress. keep repeating to yourself "It's not my fault. I did my best" over and over. Block her at all cost. And if you blocked her completely then you shouldn't fall for any breadcrumbs, being as she's unable to communicate with you, but if she does, block that avenue and move on. Meanwhile, take time to yourself for a while until you feel you're ready to date again. Meet someone who is more mentally stable and loving. Eventually, like I said, in time, you'll get over her, just as I got over mine. And you'll one day be free of this woman. FREE!!!!!

 

P.S. Anger/rage will eventually settle in but my best advice to you on this is this...forgive her. Repeat to yourself over and over that you forgive her. Send to her, telepathically, Love and Forgiveness. No matter the pain and sorrow she caused you and all the rage built inside of you, forgive her. It took me 1 1/2 years to finally forgive my ex but I'll tell you this, it did help me to heal almost completely and instantly once I made that decision and stuck to it. I forgave my ex 100%. To be honest, we haven't walked in their shoes so we don't know the hellish, negative experience they went through which made them like this. They're human beings too. You can only feel compassion for them and hope to have them find their ways to a better person, but unfortunately almost all BPD'ers won't. But that's not your job to do. Just send them off their way brotha. Send them off. She came to you, taught you a huge lesson in life and now she's gone. Please, just send her off. Now, work on you.

 

Good luck

 

pm me if you need further help, anytime!!!

 

The words of encouragement are greatly appreciated. It's been about 2 1/2 weeks now and what you describe is exactly what I'm going thru.

 

Currently she's the one who has blocked me, but I suspect at some point that will change. That's just what her pattern has always been. If that does happen I'm starting to think the best thing for me is to be strong and stay away. From everything I've read people this these types of issues never get better.

[JustinPonders]

Oh, the ol Facebook block game. Ya, my ex blocked and unblocked me like 4-5 times. It's just a stupid, dumb, childish game. That's all it is. Brotha, I gave you my insight because I can totally sympathize with your situation but from here on out don't say you haven't been warned. And yes, it never gets better. But if you have to learn the hard way then so be it. Not to say you're not going to follow my advice or at least considering it, but that we're human and we make mistakes regardless of knowledge. Heck, I made mistakes even after getting the same advice that I've given you and yet I still went forward and did it my way which only landed me in a bigger mess. And sometimes it's good to learn those painful mistakes because the pain is what really will wake you up. Good luck man, and again, hit me up if you need more advice brotha. I'd be happy to share.

[kleptoz28]

One thing I'm starting to realize today is I deserve better than this. No matter how good things were at times, anyone who uses silent treatment and emotional manipulation to abuse their partner while they're with them doesn't need to have someone good in their life to kick around. And I definitely deserve better than someone who is willing to throw me away like garbage.

 

I just removed her from the last connected social media account we had today. Saw some 49 yo guy on her page (she's 28) , not sure if there's anything going on there or not but she never friend's guys, the only ones she had were me, her brother, her dad, and her sister's bf. If that's what's going on now to me that's a little gross. I don't need to be seeing that.

[kleptoz28]

Abusive relationships are more tricky then a lot of the posters are giving them credit for. The OP isn’t a white knight trying to co-dependently save her. He’s a normal caring guy trying to sort out what the heck just happened.

 

Just an update to this thread if anyone who posted in it kept track.

 

I did eventually find out why she left. She had begun talking to her ex, the same guy who I had always heard was an abusive drug addict. I guess the way she chose to end things was easier for her than admitting she was seeing him. This from a woman who frequently accused me of having feelings for an ex.

 

Source: Her ex actually called me to tell me they were back together, and ask me a few questions.

 

Why he would do this 4 months later? Not sure other than she's probably playing mind games with him now and it sounded like he was probing for answers on if what she said about me was true.

 

Funny because recycling her ex is exactly the behavior pattern that fit what I thought was wrong with her at the time.

 

I had mostly moved on from this, and had even begun dating again recently. This stung a little to hear, but I'm glad to finally know the truth of it. Helps to have some perspective looking back.

[figureitout23]

Dude it's time to let it go.

 

Don't be that guy a page back writing a novel about what his ex did ages ago. You don't want that life. It's bitter, it's unhappy, it's miserable.

.

Tell your ego to back off and allow yourself to accept what happened and release it

[Wiseman2]

That's creepy. How did he have your contact info? What type of things was he asking? Agree she's playing mind games. Sounds like you dodged a bullet. Glad you are out there dating. How is that going?

Her ex actually called me to tell me they were back together, and ask me a few questions.

[askdan]

I am in the same shows as you are. 4 years after my separation (and 2 years after divorce) with my narc ex-wife (she has a personality disorder, we suspect it is narcissism or bipolar), that's how long it took me to put an official end to the drama by implementing No Contact this past July 1st. I am now on Day 45 and she is still playing mind-games online. Like adding me on social media, then deleting me and blocking me if I don't reach out. And this is from a 38-year old medical doctor. Yikes!