I think I hate my girlfriend...

Hey folks, newbie here.

Long story short with a few details:

I have been with my girlfriend for 5 years. We rent a house together. We met online and things were great. She lived 2 hours away and would come and visit every weekend. I couldn't go to see her because I have a dog and he a) doesn't travel well b) she couldn't have pets at her shared house.

So after a year of commuting she moved in with me and being totally, I wasn't ready. She can be so confrontational and if I ever ever got close to the subject she would get upset and angry with me so I just rode it out. Things have got progressively worse.

• She is very... 'animated' and comes across SO angry all the time. It makes me feel so because she shouts, says everything in such a harsh tone. If we are out and something very minor annoys her, its like the worlds ending and I find it really embarrassing and uncomfortable.

• She nags me about everything little damn thing (even if they are completely hypocritical).

• She is so negative. Ever other sentence is "I hate it when..." or "some ing idiot..."

• She hates me being in a band. Its my dream, my love, my escape. My first love is music, always has been. Now my band is starting to get a bit more successful, we are doing tours but she hates it. If we do a UK tour, I have to come back every night whilst the rest of the band stay out. She claims she doesn't want ti be missing out on the fun so makes me miss it too. I cannot talk to her about my music because she is just so negative, spiteful and resentful of it.

• She has just bought a puppy, even though a) I said I didn't want another dog b) our relationship is pretty rocky. i have taken care of the puppy 50% of the time because she finds it too stressful, even though I told her what it was like beforehand. Getting up in the middle of the night, sleeping on the sofa, looking after him etc...

• She hates me doing anything / going anywhere without her. I have stopped seeing my friends. I have stopped going to football (which I used to every week). I have stopped going to see bands.

• She doesn't have any friends. Even though she has been in this city for 4 years, she cant make friends. The friends she does start to make, she disregards for a reason such as they were late or something, or they just stop contacting her.

• My friends don't like her. I used to have such a big pool of friends. I would literally have something planned or offers to see friends every night of the week but that has completely stopped now. Partly because they know I am not allowed out (although I don't tell them that, I just make lame excuses) and partly because they don't like being around her. Approaching the subject of me going to see a friend she will just frown and say 'what about me?'. So I don't really bother even mentioning it as it turns into an argument / disagreement. Even when my best friends mum passed away from cancer and he wanted a friend to chat to, when I suggested I was going to see him, she got angry.

• She loves to chat. Could spend all day and night chatting (even though most of it will be negative). I hate talking. That annoys her. Maybe I don't like talking to her about anything because she just get angry at anything I have to say.

• She is lazy makes bad excuses for EVERYTHING; Claims I am lazy.

• She wastes money on pointless stuff, things she doesn't need and then blames me because she cant afford to go out, go on holiday etc.

• I'm not sure if this is classed as passive aggressive or something but it happens on a daily occurrence... Multiple times. I'll get up and leave the room 'where are you going...?' ..... 'to the bathroom'... "oh, I was just about to go'. Or I go to have the last apple which has been sat there for weeks 'oh, I was just about to have to have that'.

• She spends hours and hours and hours on her phone / social media. Her homepage is Facebook.... As soon as I pick up my phone... 'what are you doing, who you talking to?'

• Whenever she gets drunk she tells me how I am of a boyfriend, friend, son. Tells me she hates her life with me.

• She has to have a regimental plan for everything. If I take the dog out 'where are you going / how long will you be'... 'I don't know, 2 hours maybe...'well be home by 3:30'... Even when we got nothing to do after and she is just sitting around watching TV and doesn't want to come for a walk. If I have a gig, she needs to know weeks in advance where it is, who's driving, how long it takes to get there, who;s put themselves down on Facebook page, what time exactly will I be home. If we are going on holiday she has to make the exact and precise plans months in advance. Everything has to be planned and on time. I used to be so spontaneous but not allowed anymore without angering her.

My life is literally walking on eggshells. If I say the wrong thing, she gets angry. If I do the wrong thing, she gets angry. I feel no love towards her. I feel like she doesn't trust me 1% even though I am 100% faithful and always have been throughout my life.

This might sound shallow but she has put on a lot of weight and I am not attracted to her. We don't kiss. We don't have sex. Which to be fair, is my doing. I just cant bring myself to.

I am pretty sure I was happier alone. I could walk the dog for hours without a deadline to be home by; I could go to football; I could see my friends; I could go to see bands; I could read in peace; I could be myself; I didn't have to reply to a message immediately. I feel totally trapped. I have to answer to everything.

Last year I was close to suicide because I hated my life. Even though I work hard at my job (which guess what, she hates), I like a chilled but busy life. At a causal pace. My friends used to say I was so laid back, I was horizontal. I've started counseling and now on antidepressants.

Why haven't we broke up? Well, I hate confrontation. I guess I am weak in that respect. I just want an easy, happy life. I don't want to hurt anyone, or upset anyone. I worry that she will have literally no one if we break up. Her parents often distance themselves from her and live miles away. I feel totally responsible that she moved across the country to live with me and then she would be alone.

I dont know why I am writing all this and I am sorry to bore you. I just need to get this off my chest. I guess its my fault that we are both in this situation.

What can I do?

Break up with her.

Look at it this way...yes, she'll probably get mad and it'll be ugly. BUT, it's a solution with a light at the end of the tunnel (and the light isn't a train.) One of you moves, and you can cut her off completely. Oh happy day.

End it!!!!!!!!! You should have been done, long ago.

Good grief.....END IT. I don't care how much you hate confrontation, your daily life is a million times worse than one freaking hour of confrontation. Heck, doesn't even need to be that long. Next time she says that she hates this or that about you - tell her, great, we are done and she is now free to find someone she doesn't hate. Done. Finished. Over. Now pack your sh$t and get out.

The whole idea that you are so gosh darn important and so responsible for her and that she will just have nobody without you and won't survive....honestly, that's some serious arrogance on your part. Knock it off. She is a grown woman and perfectly capable of taking care of herself and doing what she pleases. If she wants friends, she'll make some and if not, she won't. Not your problem.

Good grief.....END IT. I don't care how much you hate confrontation, your daily life is a million times worse than one freaking hour of confrontation. Heck, doesn't even need to be that long. Next time she says that she hates this or that about you - tell her, great, we are done and she is now free to find someone she doesn't hate. Done. Finished. Over. Now pack your sh$t and get out.

 

The whole idea that you are so gosh darn important and so responsible for her and that she will just have nobody without you and won't survive....honestly, that's some serious arrogance on your part. Knock it off. She is a grown woman and perfectly capable of taking care of herself and doing what she pleases. If she wants friends, she'll make some and if not, she won't. Not your problem.

You said it, Dancing!

I also agree with the bit that she will not survive. What a ridiculous ego you have!

Thanks for the feedback.

It’s honestly not about arrogance / ego. Me thinking my importance is high, is literally the polar opposite. I don’t think anyone needs me. She always says she has no one and she hates it. I guess that’s partly down to me for not being emotionally attached enough.

You are incompatible, both miserable and sick of each other. Discuss calmly that's it's not working. Does she have a job there? Where is her family? Give her some time to move out, offer to help. Unfortunately expect a lot of backlash about how she moved there for you, sacrificed a lot, blah blah, etc. Detach. Just acknowledge whatever she says, don't argue or disagree and keep your eye on the prize of getting her out of your life.

Well, you have two options:

Man up and break up with her. A few hours of unpleasantness to avoid a lifetime of hell.

OR...stay with her forever because you don't feel like dealing with her reaction to breaking up. Marry her, have six kids with her, all to avoid having to deal with breaking up. Spend the next 50-60 years listening to her complain and nag at you.

Which sounds worse?

you can change your mind

you can change your mind

I don't think that you read his post. The situation sounds miserable!

Thanks for the feedback.

 

It’s honestly not about arrogance / ego. Me thinking my importance is high, is literally the polar opposite. I don’t think anyone needs me. She always says she has no one and she hates it. I guess that’s partly down to me for not being emotionally attached enough.

If she truly hates it as much as she claims, she'd get rear in gear and make some friends. Stop buying this toxic drip drip drip bs. She is controlling you and gaslighting you and you keep sitting around tolerating this. I don't even know how you can say that you hate confrontation when every single miserable minute you spend with her is one long drawn out ongoing confrontation.....day in, day out....to the point where you are on meds for depression. Get rid of her and you won't need meds. She has destroyed your very sanity. Comes a point where you really do need to step up and say that enough is enough.

If one of you doesn't leave the other soon, you could end up together for the rest of your lives. Is that what you want?

I have a friend who's been with her husband for 20+ years and hates his guts and is mean to him. He doesn't like her either, but he's extremely passive. Nobody understands why they stay together when they clearly hate each other. They talk about divorce on and off. Supposedly they are really getting divorced now, but I don't know if I believe them.

Good grief.....END IT. I don't care how much you hate confrontation, your daily life is a million times worse than one freaking hour of confrontation. Heck, doesn't even need to be that long. Next time she says that she hates this or that about you - tell her, great, we are done and she is now free to find someone she doesn't hate. Done. Finished. Over. Now pack your sh$t and get out.

 

The whole idea that you are so gosh darn important and so responsible for her and that she will just have nobody without you and won't survive....honestly, that's some serious arrogance on your part. Knock it off. She is a grown woman and perfectly capable of taking care of herself and doing what she pleases. If she wants friends, she'll make some and if not, she won't. Not your problem.

This 100%!

You're not responsible for her life after you break up and you're not her parent. She's a grown woman and like everybody who went through break ups she will survive. Just get out and let her deal with it. We've all dealt with it and it didn't kill us... and it's not your responsibility if she has or doesn't have friends or whatever.

All relationships being voluntary, what is it you'd like for us to say that can help you?

We've all needed to play the role of 'bad guy' to get ourselves out of lousy relationships. That's part of the territory of learning whether someone is a good match for you or not. When not, admit that this isn't working for you, and move forward.

Of course clearly you need to end this lunacy, you know you should too..... but before you do...

Next time she starts in with her nagging and "I hate this", "I hate that" bs, ask her why, since she obviously "hates" so many things about you, why is she wth you?

Seriously. Flip it around. Ask her why the hell is she still with you since clearly she is so unhappy with everything you do?

I dated a guy like this for a short while (couple of months) after my LTR ended a couple of years ago.

Very critical of everything (too many things too mention here), but the final straw was when I bought a decorative new blanket for my couch and he started critiquing "that" suggesting I have terrible taste, so I asked why he was dating me since obviously there were soooooooo many things he didn't like about me?

He was like "um, ah, what do you mean, that's not true, of course I like you"!!

I'm like 'yeah, really, the way you criticize nearly everything I do, don't do, and now my taste, could've fooled me. I'm seriously wondering why you're dating me and what does "that" say about YOU? That you choose to date a woman you find so many things wrong with?"

He was speechless, started apologizing, didn't mean it, blah blah, but it was too late, I WAS DONE.

So yeah end it but before doing so, ask her.

Really gets them thinking about how their critical and controlling nature negatively affects those around thrm, and actually says a whole lot more about "them" for staying with you while "hating" so many things about you, than it does about "you" and anything you're doing or not doing.

Doing so is really quite empowering, it was for me.

As for him, he tried to fix it for months, even now when I see him (he works in my building) he expresses regret once in awhile.

ETA: After you leave, ask "yourself" the same question, why YOU chose to stay in a relationship that was clearly making "you" so unhappy? You need to figure that out so this never happens again and becomes a toxic and unhealthy pattern for you.

Best of luck.

Had a relationship like this for three years but at least I didn't move in with her, thankfully. Every minute I had to think tactically about what would set her off.

I can't tell you how good it felt to break up with her.

Do the right thing for yourself. You'll find someone new who doesn't operate this way.