Plans

Ok, so my boyfriend has been super busy with work because of the holidays. We have only seen each other maybe a couple hours a few days out of the week and sleep together the same amount. We have been together for over a year and a half, we’ve talked about marriage and kids and are saving for a condo together.

So, he has Friday off and I said I would take Friday off so we could see each other. He agreed and we came up with some small plans. This morning, we were watching tv and a fight is on Friday evening that he’s been wanting to see and asked me to watch it with him. He said, “oh, maybe I’ll go over so and so’s house and watch it with him.”

I was immediately just floored and hurt and started to cry...I said to him, “why would you make plans with me for me to take a day off, then?” I don’t care if he wants to hang out with a friend, i was just so hurt because I don’t know if he forgot or said it on purpose to try to get out of the plans with me. We talked a little bit, he apologized, said “it would be Friday night anyway.” So? What? You want me to drive there for 45 mins and then drive home when you’re ready to go to your friends? No.

He said “I’m sorry, we’ll hang out all day Friday.” So, I’m still confused as to whether he was trying to tell me he didn’t want the plans with me. I asked, he said he didn’t mean it like that.... what are your thoughts? Can I get a guy’s perspective? I’m just really upset cuz I was going to use a day to hang out with him cuz we haven’t really got to see each other. I feel so hurt...

Did you say you'd watch the fight with him? Would some or all of the small plans you made originally fit in?

I don't think he meant anything. I think there's a fight he'd like to see. Did you for real just immediately start crying?

We have watched pretty much every fight together, since he got me in to it. Maybe I shouldn’t have assumed we were watching it... which is another thing cuz we have had problems with assumptions before and he said I’m part of his life and family so it’s never an assumption. Anyway. I figured we were watching it together cuz we have been talking about it, watching warm ups, and I assumed we would watch it Friday. Even if he did want to go over this person’s house I strongly don’t think I’d be invited.

Like I said, don’t care if he wants to see his friends but there’s only certain days we can see each other because of Work.

I did start crying, a couple of tears fell. I was immediately upset cuz it was either he forgot he made plans with me the night before or he would rather hang out with his friend... and we have barely seen each other.

Did you say you'd watch the fight with him? Would some or all of the small plans you made originally fit in?

 

I don't think he meant anything. I think there's a fight he'd like to see. Did you for real just immediately start crying?

Why are you assuming that you aren't invited to go over to the friend's house????

His friend is pretty much a hermit, works third shift... I’ve never been invited over in the past.

I'm still trying to understand. He asks if you want to watch the fight, you say yes, and then assume he's going to his friend's without you?

His friend is pretty much a hermit, works third shift... I’ve never been invited over in the past.

Oh, well...fair assumption then. Still I would clarify for the sake of good communication.

That said, I totally get why you are as upset as you are. Sounds a bit like your bf is taking you for granted and treating you too much like family (they are always going to be there) and not enough like a gf (I better be good to her or I'll lose her).

Honestly, I don't think there is any bad intent with him other than just him being a guy. In his mind, he is going to spend a whole day with you, so that's giving you a lot of time, so it's fair game to go see his buddy in the evening. Poor slob has yet to learn that doing that will land him in the doghouse for a looong time with most women.

Is he watching the fight with you or his friend? Or does he expect you to hang out until the fight starts, and then go home to he can watch the fight with his friend?

There was no mention of me being included with his friend. I’ve never been invited over there before. It wasn’t like a oh, we could go watch it with... it was maybe I’ll go watch it over his house.

I’m just really hung up on it. I feel like it was a way to let me know he didn’t want to hang out.

I'm still trying to understand. He asks if you want to watch the fight, you say yes, and then assume he's going to his friend's without you?

You took friday day off to hang out with him. You offered and he said yes. That's what you guys did! The fight is on at night time, nothing to do with you taking the day off, the night was a seperate time-frame.

Your making a big deal out of nothing. Dial your emotions back, way back. Look at it from a logical point.

Uh, the logical point is we live 45 mins away from each other and can only see each other on certain days. I’m not driving back and forth... I pretty much always stay over when we hang out. That’s a given.

You posted on a couple other occasions over that past year that he seems to take you for granted, overall.

At what point do you tell him that this relationship isn't working out for you. Does he ever drive to your house or are

you doing all the heaving lifting for this relationship?

I would have just asked, "Would you like to invite friend over your place to watch it with us, or would you like to reschedule with me, and I'll take my vacation day another time?"

Sounds like BF was planning to watch the fight with friend and forgot that it falls on the Friday you'd planned with him. So I'd let BF decide what he wants to do about that without emotionally strong-arming him. He likely feels lousy enough about his mixup, and adding guilt to the mix isn't exactly an aphrodisiac.

I'd rather demo my self sufficiency by being a big girl about this and making other plans for myself than to corner BF into feeling deprived of his vision of how he wanted to spend his fight night. That wouldn't feel 'good' for either of us, and I can easily make my own plans for a Friday night.

The holiday season won't last forever. If I believe that my relationship has long term potential, I'm not going to contaminate a lover's feelings about me by going needy on him during a stressful time.

Head high, and consider whether you've been neglecting other aspects of your life.