Feeling used and confused

Me and my partner of 9 years split a few weeks ago, we're trying to work things out as of this week, so he's moved back in.

During our split I got close to a colleague who I thought was helping me work out my feelings and what I wanted to do about my relationship. Long story short, we slept together. Since then he's basically ignored me except for the odd hello at work, we barely talk anymore and he's not the supportive friend I thought he was.

The other day I questioned him, asked him why he's been ignoring me, and if he was just using me whilst I was in a bad place to get me into bed. He obviously denied that, but said he was hurt and upset when I told him that me and my partner were trying to work things out. I was feeling alright until he said that, but it's messed with my head and I can't stop thinking about him.

I don't know if that's because I miss him, I kind of do, stupid I know. Or if it's because I'm annoyed, angry and hurt that I know he used me like that. I don't know how to get closure on him. I want him out of my life, but I see him everyday at work which just starts my feelings off again.

Any ideas how I can stop feeling like this?

It's just a stressful situation all around. There's no guarantee that your relationship is going to work out, and you've lost a support line at work (whether he was using you, or you were using him is another issue altogether). I think you're just going to have to deal with it. There's nothing you can do about it but wait it out. On the bright side of things, you now have a good idea of what not to do in a break-up situation.

I don't think he used you any more than you used him, to be blunt.

Think about it from his perspective: you got closer, you slept with him, and now your ex has moved back in. Who's to say you didn't use him for attention and affection while you are your ex were apart?

I don't think you can really expect him to be too friendly with you after that, OP. You will just have to keep things civil at work now, and focus instead on putting your relationship back together.

I wasn't using him. I saw us a friends helping each other through tough times. We got close but both agreed to keep it a friends with benefits thing. We slept together 2 weeks ago, he ignored me for a week, then I said about getting back with my partner. That's when he said he felt hurt, he'd already ignored me for a week then dropped that on me.

Thanks for commenting anyhow.

Just focus on yourself and your relationship. Look at the bigger picture. This person is a blip on the radar

It will be awkward for a while, that's why you shouldn't sleep with coworkers

I wasn't using him. I saw us a friends helping each other through tough times. We got close but both agreed to keep it a friends with benefits thing. We slept together 2 weeks ago, he ignored me for a week, then I said about getting back with my partner. That's when he said he felt hurt, he'd already ignored me for a week then dropped that on me.

 

Thanks for commenting anyhow.

I see this as one of two ways. Either he missed the memo about being strictly friends with benefits, he wanted more than that, you moved back in with your partner which dashed his hopes of it becoming more OR he took advantage of the situation and got what he wanted (slept with you).

If you slept together two weeks ago, then he ignored you for a week, you then told him a week ago that your getting back with your partner and he said he was hurt? I’d lean toward him using you and getting what he wanted. Him saying he was hurt when you told him you’re getting back together with your partner after a week passed where he didn’t contact you is just some BS way of him deflecting this back on you, taking heat off him and justifying what he did.

I’d also like to add, rarely does FWB work. Even though both people agree to this up front, in most cases one or the other wants more initially and hopes that the other will as well given time OR one or the other catches feelings later and wants more.

The focus on this guy at work is a nice distraction from the challenge of sorting the dynamics with your bf.

You say you dont want workguy in your life. He is doing you a favor by not talking to you.

If I were him Id feel like the rules changed.

fwb while you are dealing with a break up of a de facto marriage - ok it is unreliable and bumpy. A week of distance after you had sex together may have simply been a way of ensuring it doesn't feel like a relationship.

fwb with him living in your residence and your spoken intention of working it out- that's cheating and undermining your intention which would not be very friendly at all.

its been a fluid situation and work guy is on the tail end of it. closure doesnt come from anyone but you. you don't want him in your life. so adjust and mourn the loss of a friend. that's on you, but that's ok.

move on, and invest in your gfs.i suspect you need more of those.

**try reading up on fear of abandonment and on avoident attachment in romantic relationships.**

I’d also like to add, rarely does FWB work. Even though both people agree to this up front, in most cases one or the other wants more initially and hopes that the other will as well given time OR one or the other catches feelings later and wants more.

Yeah I see that now, lesson learned. He was the one who suggested the FWB thing. I just can't tell if he likes me or is playing me, one minute he seems really genuine, the next he's not interested.

He seemed so nice and caring a few weeks ago and I miss the friendship we had, but its beginning to feel like it was fake from the start.

You were both consenting adults with open eyes into the situation, so IMHO you were both using each other...it just that it doesn't always turn out great for either or both parties afterwards and you have to deal with the consequences. But you said that he 'used' you makes it sound like you are victimizing yourself somewhat which is a little unfair, especially if your co-worker was hoping for more to develop between you. It sounds as if he was hurt that more couldn't happen between you - why wouldn't you take this as face value from him?

I once got too close to a male friend after a relationship, we slept together once, and then shortly afterwards i went into a relationship with someone else, and he was hurt by it (he admitted to me a lot later). And that explained why he distanced himself from me for 6-7 months or so afterwards. We're regular friends again now... but sure if you cross that line with someone, it can change things. People get hurt, feelings get confused and messy... not worth it.

There isn't much you can do other than to take some space from the situation and time will probably give you greater perspective and resolve your feelings. Keep things professional at work in the meantime.

Also, I should add that if he is ego-bruised and also feeling confused, that can also be why he is blowing hot and cold and distancing himself. It doesn't necessarily mean the friendship wasn't genuine. It's just that the dynamics have changed... I can't say, obviously I haven't met him. But I guess I just want to add that the reason it isn't so black and white sometimes isn't because of someone being insincere - but rather because some things just aren't that easy to untangle.

You weren't used. Have sex if you want to. Don't if you don't. Neither of you is owed anything after bumping uglies.

You chose to sleep with him, so no, you weren't being used as such.

That said, shouldn't you be focusing on fixing your relationship with your bf instead of trying to drag this third party into the equation? This guy at work is already giving you what you need - space to sort yourself out.

On a personal note, I think you are being a little bit dishonest with yourself. Your LTR was tanking. This guy boosted your ego and made you feel like you have options. Then you had sex and he suddenly went cold and it's hurt your ego in a you had the rug yanked out from under you kind of way. Thing is that you very much were using him as a crutch for yourself and your current relationship problems. Back away and figure out what you really want to do with your LTR. If you are going to work on it, then actually work on it and keep third parties out. If not working, then end things for good, be single and then date and keep romance out of your workplace. So much less drama that way.

Yeah, you need to be honest with yourself. You could have called up a girlfriend or family member if you wanted a friend to talk to.

You wanted some male attention. You are disappointed he stopped giving you that kind of attention.

But he doesn't owe it to you to do that.

I am confused how having sex with a coworker helps you work out the problems with your relationship.

This guy was not a stand up guy and used your break up as a way into your pants. You did agree and willing had sex with him though. He got what he wanted and now doesn't want it any longer.

Why do you care if what you really want is to work things out with your bf?

Lost

Yeah I see that now, lesson learned. He was the one who suggested the FWB thing. I just can't tell if he likes me or is playing me, one minute he seems really genuine, the next he's not interested.

 

He seemed so nice and caring a few weeks ago and I miss the friendship we had, but its beginning to feel like it was fake from the start.

Why does this even matter? You're working on your relationship, no?

Why does this even matter? You're working on your relationship, no?

Very true!!

Maybe he thought you 2 were going to become an item and all of a sudden you are using him as a shoulder to cry on?

Feeling completely unsupported here, but I guess I haven't shared the whole story.

I'm feeling a lot better today. I've had a chat with a few friends about him, turns out he's a complete ass. Sleeps around and cheats all the time, so yeah I do feel used, but better for knowing that.

It matters because I felt like I had a good friend I could trust, turns out I was completely wrong! Back to not trusting anyone! I'm working on my relationship with my partner, things are going well, I just needed to get this pr*ck out of my head and I guess I have now.

Thanks for the comments

Do you still like this guy, OP?

That's my take-away from this, even though you're reconciling with your ex. I think you probably wanted more, and are upset he didn't.