I Think My Wife Lied to Me, How to Get Over It.

This may seem like a small issue to some but for me a lie is one of the hardest things for me to deal with (from past experience)...see below.

My wife and I recently bought a house. We have not moved in yet. Last night we went to check on a few things at the house and as we were leaving she started to play with the alarm system. I don’t know why she would do this since we don’t know anything about this particular alarm and we don’t know any of the pass codes. She ended up arming the alarm as we were inside the house, she knew she armed it because she made a comment about it. She tried to disarm it but couldn’t because she doesn’t know the code. AS to be expected, as soon as we tried to leave the alarm went off (it’s very loud). I saw the ADT phone number on the control panel, she had her phone with her (I didn’t) and I gave her the number to call. As she was on the phone I was near the control box, the woman on the phone told my wife to go to the control panel (so she could direct her on how to turn it off). My wife gave me a nasty look and said. “I’m trying to get in there so I can shut it off”, implying I was in her way. Her attitude and approach to me made me angry, I didn’t do anything wrong so why should I get treated and spoken to like that? After all she is the one who armed the alarm system, not me. She spent an hour on the phone with the woman trying to shut it off, (no luck). I eventually shut off the circuit breaker that powers the alarm system and plan to deal with it later when we actually move it.

We didn’t speak on the drive back to our condo (where we live now), there was tension between us, it was obvious. About 30 minutes after we got home (and not speaking), she eventually says, “Why do think I’m always mad at you?” I said, “Because of the way you talk to me, especially when you’re stressed out. You do that to me all the time.” (And she does). We went back and forth both arguing our cases. She eventually said that I was the one that armed the alarm system. This was a total shock to me….a flat out lie to my face. Again, we went back and forth, she insisted I was the one who armed the alarm. Although he her body language suggested she was not very confident in her accusation. I could not believe she would say this. She knows I do not have tolerance for lies, not matter if they big or small lies. (I was in two bad relationships before I met her where both women were lying to me and both cheating on me). My wife knows this and also knows it’s my Achilles heel. She knows that a lie will send me down a path of mystery and possible depression.

Again, this may seem like a small issue to some but for me a lie is one of the hardest things for me to deal with (from past experience) . I’m not sure what to do or how to process this. Thoughts are welcome.

Thanks in advance.

Sounds like a p_ss-poor attempt to gaslight you. She was embarrassed about arming and then setting off the alarm and this sounds like a pathetic attempt to alleviate her embarrassment.

I would call her out, saying what I just said. Send the message that gaslighting you is unacceptable and it won't work.

It sounds like both of you overreact to small triggers, and then try to put the responsibility for the overreaction onto the other person.

When you say

My wife gave me a nasty look and said. “I’m trying to get in there so I can shut it off”, implying I was in her way.

There are loads of examples of this kind of escalating miscommunication in your post - on both sides - and this is a far greater issue in a relationship than her ludicrous misrepresentation of what happened. I'm surprised you didn't laugh at her! Rather than it being a lie in the sense of her attempting to mislead you about something which happened when you weren't there, it's another example of her trying to put the responsibility of her messing up back onto you.

As it is, you are looking the consequences of a minor - if annoying - incident as the first step on "a path to misery and possible depression". Again, this is an overreaction. This is something only you can deal with; she's not responsible for your feelings and actions, just as you're not responsible for hers.

I'd suggest you try couples counselling to find warmer, kinder ways of communicating with each other. There are some couples who would have found a ridiculous situation like this something to laugh about, not have a row about!

Personally, I wouldn't classify this as a lie? It's blame-shifting. Does she generally have a problem taking responsibility for her actions?

I had an ex like this. If he bumped into me he'd say "watch where you are going" (I was not moving at all) - and when I pointed it out - "well why were you standing there?". Or one time he dropped something in the kitchen while I was in the other room and he'd say "look what you did!". SO weird. It's definitely crazy-making behavior.

If this was a one-time occurrence, I would give her the benefit of doubt (maybe she got confused?) and let it slide. If this is a regular occurance, I would suggest marriage councilling.

I do agree with the other poster who said your reaction was over the top. Getting temporarily annoyed is one thing. But to be mad the whole way home? Over an alarm? It potentially points to other problems, for sure.

I don't see it as a lie either... Just flipping the blame on you. And yeah... Way more things to fight/argue/be upset about then someone setting off an alarm...

Most people would laugh about this rather than get into such a fight.

I really do think you need to look at your own actions here and how they precipitated this fight. She was messing around with the alarm system and it seems from your post that you were already getting annoyed with her about it, but said nothing. So probably there was already tension building in the air. Then the system went off and tension between you skyrocketed. Then she was on the phone, already tense and upset, you were in the way. She may have been a bit snippy, but nothing to get so over the top angry about and likely she was snippy because of the tension already in the air and anticipating your angry reaction. On the way home, you escalated it things into a full blown fight and at that point she got defensive and shifted blame. Given your aggressive behavior, I can almost see how she might have done that in self defense, not that it makes it right, but people under the gun will say anything to get out of the situation.

I think you need rethink your reactions and make sure you aren't taking your past out on your wife. She doesn't deserve that and it will wreck your marriage. She is not the bad guy who cheated on you and she shouldn't be walking on eggshells around you just because you have been cheated on. You need to address your own issues on your own time and fix them. The way you are acting just going by your post makes you an incredibly difficult person to deal with.

I agree we are both sensitive. It’s something we spoke about. Unfortunately for me, since I’ve been burned a few times I take these things seriously. As I mentioned before we all have our Achilles Heels and dishonesty is a big one for me no matter how small the issue. I’m very afraid of being lied to. I agree it’s not a big deal, I don’t know why she’d give me a hard time while she was on the phone with the ADT woman and also why she’d lie about who armed the security system. Now it makes me second guess myself as to if I armed it (which I’m sure I did not). I’m hoping she got confused (as someone above mentioned), I just don’t want to think she’d lie to me. As far as lying in the past, I don’t recall any other episodes but more situations like the one above, where something happens and it gets analyzed into whether it’s a lie or not.

Here is a situation typical of her behavior. I ask her to go to the movies, she says “No, she doesn’t like to movie I want to see.” A few days later I offer to her again if she want to go, “No.” again. I week later I tell her I’m going to the movies, she gives me a look and says “You’re not even going to ask me to go?” I said “I did, twice, and you didn’t want to.” She then acts disappointed/upset/ angry, etc. I say. “You’re welcome to come.” She eventually goes with me. So last night she says to me I never have time for her. I was like “What?!?!” This is how she treats me. Then if I get upset over this she gets mad at me for being upset.

Most people would laugh about this rather than get into such a fight.

 

I really do think you need to look at your own actions here and how they precipitated this fight. She was messing around with the alarm system and it seems from your post that you were already getting annoyed with her about it, but said nothing. So probably there was already tension building in the air. Then the system went off and tension between you skyrocketed. Then she was on the phone, already tense and upset, you were in the way. She may have been a bit snippy, but nothing to get so over the top angry about and likely she was snippy because of the tension already in the air and anticipating your angry reaction. On the way home, you escalated it things into a full blown fight and at that point she got defensive and shifted blame. Given your aggressive behavior, I can almost see how she might have done that in self defense, not that it makes it right, but people under the gun will say anything to get out of the situation.

 

I think you need rethink your reactions and make sure you aren't taking your past out on your wife. She doesn't deserve that and it will wreck your marriage. She is not the bad guy who cheated on you and she shouldn't be walking on eggshells around you just because you have been cheated on. You need to address your own issues on your own time and fix them. The way you are acting just going by your post makes you an incredibly difficult person to deal with.

Nothing could be further from the truth....I was not in the least annoyed, but I was annoyed when she snapped at me (as I was trying to help) due to her mistake and not taking responsibility for it. My own actions consisted of trying to help, that's it. If I said anything to her she's get more angry (I know this from past experience with her), so I stepped back and watched (I ended up shutting the alarm off after, I shut the circuit breaker off). How did I escalate anything on the drive home?.......neither of us said a word. my aggressive behavior!? ha ha....where are you getting this from!? Why are you attacking me when you were not there? I understand you are replying but your accusations are way off base. I should not have to walk on eggshells around her because she make a mistake and can't admit it.

Are there any other examples? I once set off an ADT alarm at my parents house when I was visiting from college a long time ago, and they neglected to tell me they got an alarm. It was SO INCREDIBLY LOUD that it set off my ability to even be normal, I went into a rage (and I am never a ragey kind of person); it was sooooooo loud. I doubt she meant it personally when she said you were in her way. And maybe she did think you set it off. When the alarm is going, your adrenaline is coursing through your veins; you are far from rational for hours afterwards.

The lying part, well, do you ever hide the truth too? I think you need work on trust exercises; take a seminar together or a class on intimacy - giving trust is is something you need to work on.

I recently had to have a one-sided talk about my hubby yelling outbursts. I just think you need to learn to put a pin on things, and talk about them when you both aren't in a frenzy; it's really working out communication issues.

It does sound like she has a low threshold for frustration and takes it out on you.

Try controlling how you react to that. See if you can stay calm. And disengage.

I would walk away if someone started getting y at me for me trying to help. Or with the movie example, I wouldn't continue a conversation like that. Let her throw her tantrum. Talk later when she's calm.

I wouldn't focus on it as a lie, more like passive aggression. She's a jerk, then turns it on you when you react. So don't react.

As others have said, I wouldn't call that a lie, though it doesn't make it right.

Are there any other examples? I once set off an ADT alarm at my parents house when I was visiting from college a long time ago, and they neglected to tell me they got an alarm. It was SO INCREDIBLY LOUD that it set off my ability to even be normal, I went into a rage (and I am never a ragey kind of person); it was sooooooo loud. I doubt she meant it personally when she said you were in her way. And maybe she did think you set it off. When the alarm is going, your adrenaline is coursing through your veins; you are far from rational for hours afterwards.

 

The lying part, well, do you ever hide the truth too? I think you need work on trust exercises; take a seminar together or a class on intimacy - giving trust is is something you need to work on.

 

I recently had to have a one-sided talk about my hubby yelling outbursts. I just think you need to learn to put a pin on things, and talk about them when you both aren't in a frenzy; it's really working out communication issues.

Yes, this alarm was VERY LOUD!! My hears hurt to be near it.

I don't hide things.....I would be a hypocrite if I lied. On that note my wife, claims I think I do no wrong (which is not the case, none of us are prefect, but I certainly try to do the right thing for myself and others). I've worked on the trust issues for years, it's been real good for a few years until this happened.

It does sound like she has a low threshold for frustration and takes it out on you.

 

Try controlling how you react to that. See if you can stay calm. And disengage.

 

I would walk away if someone started getting y at me for me trying to help. Or with the movie example, I wouldn't continue a conversation like that. Let her throw her tantrum. Talk later when she's calm.

 

I wouldn't focus on it as a lie, more like passive aggression. She's a jerk, then turns it on you when you react. So don't react.

I agree, I feel as though a lot of things are my fault just be standing near her. You are 100% correct about the reaction, that is the key to this and the one thing you can control. I was angry because I was trying to help her with the alarm yet I got an attitude from her instead and then blamed for setting it off.....ugh!! I will try and walk away next time........the sad things is, before we went to the house I was about to leave for the gym but decided to go with her because I though it would be nice to spend some time with her (and exciting to go to the new house togther) and also not have her drive alone at night, etc. I wished I had gone to the gym instead I could have avoided this mess. Then she has the nerve to say I'm too busy for her.

It sounds like there's a lot of unaddressed anger between you, for this situation to have escalated into such a fight. Lots of blame, who's right, who's wrong. Why are you such adversaries? There is a much bigger issue at play here.

It sounds like there's a lot of unaddressed anger between you, for this situation to have escalated into such a fight. Lots of blame, who's right, who's wrong. Why are you such adversaries? There is a much bigger issue at play here.

I normally do not get angry but this time I feel as though she blamed me for something she did, I won't tolerate that. I would like to think my wife would not lie to me but I consider this situation a lie (I do appreciate the people who said it's not a lie, thank you it helps me).

I feel as though she is passive aggressive (like the movie example) the I get caught in how I react to it, which she then capitalizes on (reaction control is very important).

Is your wife a narcissist? They tend to act passive-aggressively and gaslight the people who love them.

Is your wife a narcissist? They tend to act passive-aggressively and gaslight the people who love them.

I'm not sure. I know nobody is perfect but there are somethings that she does to me that I would not do to her (again the movie example). What would be an example of a narcissistic person?

I normally do not get angry but this time I feel as though she blamed me for something she did, I won't tolerate that. I would like to think my wife would not lie to me but I consider this situation a lie (I do appreciate the people who said it's not a lie, thank you it helps me).

 

I feel as though she is passive aggressive (like the movie example) the I get caught in how I react to it, which she then capitalizes on (reaction control is very important).

I tried imagining myself in your situation, with my boyfriend setting off an alarm and blaming me. Personally, I think I most likely would laugh it off, because it's a ridiculous reaction. I mean duh, we were both standing there, and we both saw.

What's the big deal about 'tolerating' it? What would happen if you did?

I highlighted "control is very important" because it seems like the two of you are embroiled in a power struggle.

Yes, this alarm was VERY LOUD!! My hears hurt to be near it.

 

I don't hide things.....I would be a hypocrite if I lied. On that note my wife, claims I think I do no wrong (which is not the case, none of us are prefect, but I certainly try to do the right thing for myself and others). I've worked on the trust issues for years, it's been real good for a few years until this happened.

The bold part is the heart of the matter. This is why most people here are not understanding what the big deal is.

OP you have trust issues that are well documented here. I think your wife reaction was a kneejerk reaction and not a lie. She is responding to another of your accusation. I am not saying her response was appropriate or that in this particular case she was in the right. What I see is a small issue and probably misunderstanding and because of your issues you tend to interpret this things by default as an attempt of your wife to deceive you. She is now tired of this and when in the past she was trying to reason with you, now she lashes out at you.

Is your wife a narcissist? They tend to act passive-aggressively and gaslight the people who love them.

^^^^ Bingo. That's exactly what I was thinking.

Your two examples actually speak to this:

1) ADT. Sure, she may have just been flustered and stressed. But to twist the facts around and make it seem like it was you who actually caused the alarm issue is called gaslighting. Blame-shifting. Not taking responsibility. As someone else said, many couples would just laugh this incident off. Your wife could not. She didn't want to take the blame for causing the whole ADT incident, so she shifted it to you. If it was one incident on its own, I'd say, chalk it up to stress. It's not, as you provided #2:

2) Movies.

You: Hey do you want to see MovieX?

Her: I hate that type of movie.

You: I'd like to go see it, so I'm going to go alone (normal).

Her: So you're not going to invite me?

You: But you said you hate MovieX type of movies. So I'm going alone. I'm not asking you to sit through something I know you'll hate, so no big deal, I'll just watch it alone.

Her: You never spend time with me!

Going to a movie alone, and not with your spouse, who has said she doesn't like that particular type of movie, is actually a courtesy in a relationship. You are not demanding she go with you, but you're saying hey it's cool, we all have our likes & dislikes, I'll do this one on my own. You don't have to do every single activity together.

So in the movie example, she's trying to make you at fault. You're now the bad guy. She can now tell all her friends that you don't ever want to spend time with her, and that you wouldn't even invite her to MovieX. What a bad guy you are.

Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and see if you can think of some other examples that might fit.