Fiance Caught Cheating...Well Almost

Hi all,

So today has been a dreadful and gut wrenching day for me as I caught my fiancé almost cheating. I would like advice on my situation if I should stay or go...

Ok, the past few days I had this gut feeling that something was off between my Fiancé and I. Recently, I discovered he was looking for other girls to chat with through an app called KIK. Of course I calmly confronted him about it with an almost nonchalant attitude. He denied using the app.

Since then, I open and honestly told him that I've felt disconnected from him. Times for him have been extremely rough financially, emotionally and health wise. About a month ago, he broke his hand so he has been out of work without pay. Since he had been financially burdened, he had to move and sleep on his friend's couch. The environment he has been in (friend's place) has been very toxic with lots of screaming and blaming of one another. Also the mother of one of his kids will not let him see his child which is causing emotional pain.

I'm not saying all of what he is going through is an excuse for his infidelity, but I question if it played a part in it.

He and I have had plans to move in with each other soon once he gets back to work - so I often remind him that things will get better.

Our relationship has been wonderful and happy until I made the KIK app discovery. Though he denied using it, based off my intuition that things were off, I decided to create a fake account to see if he is actually using it. He was. He also almost hooked up with the girl that he didn’t know was me. It was when he gave his address to the girl for a hookup, that I confronted him. The girl then asked to video chat with him… when he called, I reviled it was me.

He immediately threw up and then I hung up.

After throwing up, he apologized like crazy. I can tell he was sincere and was also hurt by his actions. He admitted to his wrongdoings and how terrible he felt for hurting me. He also spoke of why he felt the urge to do it. Although I am hurt by his attempted actions, I think he was more hurt than I was. Why? Well because my intuition already forewarned me, so I had time to prepare.

Ok… So with him admitting to and recognizing his wrongdoings, as well as, offering to do what it takes to repair the damage (He mentioned he researched how couples could move past infidelity). Should I give him another chance or walk?

I do love him and see a future with him, however, societal views/opinions suggest I should just walk and end things. Can a relationship become stronger from this?

Thank you,

Milani

He was sorry he got caught.

What makes you think he'd stop now?

What made you decide to go to such lengths.

Broken trust can't be repaired.

He would have gone ahead with it, so I can bet you he's done it in the past. Please break up, or ur gonna find urself in the same situation multiple times in the next two years.

Can a relationship grow stronger yes but trust has been broken and takes a lot of work to move forward on both parties.

It is best to move on and leave this relationship. The damage has been done.

So you had a gut feeling and acted on it (good for you btw) and asked him what is going on. Then you confronted him about using the app and he denied it. Then you busted him and he FINALLY came clean.

What does this tell all of us???

1. He didn't grab ahold of the line you threw him when you said things are not right between us.

2. He didn't see that he was basically getting a pass on using the app and stop using it when you brought it up. He should have thought "wow that was a close one, I will NEVER do anything like that again" but instead he lied and continued.

3. He showed no remorse or concern for your relationship during all this. That means he was only thinking of himself and not you or your feelings.

4. After being caught red handed he finally showed remorse and contrition and wants to do what ever it takes to fix this. He had that chance back at the start remember?

IF you choose to give him ONE more chance I would lengthen the engagement time or give the ring back and tell him you need more time just dating to decide if you are ready for a life long commitment with him.

Personally experience tells me that this is part of his character and he will pull this crap again. It may be years down the line when you are pregnant or have a few kids and things are rough but he will do it again in my opinion.

Survivinginfedelity.com may be a good place to start if you chose to try again with him.

Good luck

Lost

Not almost, OP, but thoroughly caught with his pants down. The rest is not remorse, just a man trying to save his skin after getting caught. Sure he might even go through some of the motions, but at the end of the day, tigers don't change their stripes. Once things with you get stabilized, he'll just be more careful about hiding his ways.

Add to this multiple children with different women and what you have is a picture of a man who is not going to make a stable partner for you or anyone, unless you are willing to tolerate cheating. If I were you, I wouldn't be walking away, I'd sprinting away as fast as I can. You'll never be able to trust him again and you cannot spend your life patrolling and policing what he does. Besides, it's futile anyway because if someone wants to deceive you, they will.

Thank you all - But do you think I was wrong for baiting him? Or that I manifested this by going to the length?

So you had a gut feeling and acted on it (good for you btw) and asked him what is going on. Then you confronted him about using the app and he denied it. Then you busted him and he FINALLY came clean.

 

What does this tell all of us???

 

1. He didn't grab ahold of the line you threw him when you said things are not right between us.

2. He didn't see that he was basically getting a pass on using the app and stop using it when you brought it up. He should have thought "wow that was a close one, I will NEVER do anything like that again" but instead he lied and continued.

3. He showed no remorse or concern for your relationship during all this. That means he was only thinking of himself and not you or your feelings.

4. After being caught red handed he finally showed remorse and contrition and wants to do what ever it takes to fix this. He had that chance back at the start remember?

 

IF you choose to give him ONE more chance I would lengthen the engagement time or give the ring back and tell him you need more time just dating to decide if you are ready for a life long commitment with him.

 

Personally experience tells me that this is part of his character and he will pull this crap again. It may be years down the line when you are pregnant or have a few kids and things are rough but he will do it again in my opinion.

 

Survivinginfedelity.com may be a good place to start if you chose to try again with him.

 

Good luck

 

Lost

Thank you Lost. This was very helpful!

I don't think you'll be able to receive the answer you're looking for. It has to come from you. You have to do what you feel is right, and is best for you.

What if everyone tells you to walk? It's you that has to live with that decision! And vice versa.

This is a difficult situation, I think the first step may be allowing yourself time to process what has gone on. You should give yourself some time and space to work out how you're feeling, and what you truly want. How you feel today, may be completely different next week.

Ultimately if you chose to make things work with him, you need to establish why he felt the need to seek out other women? And whether you feel that you'll be able to trust him, and get past the betrayal.

If you have to do that, you clearly don't trust him and should end it. Either way you def should break up.

It's no fun being cheated on when you're married with kids, or when you get an std. Be strong, walk away.

What makes you think that you were the first and only person he tried to hook up with? I would assume he has done this before.

Either way this man isn't ready for marriage. His life and feelings are a wreck. You can have sympathy for that but that doesn't mean you stay with someone who treats you so poorly. Life is full of hard sh*t. How someone acts when everything is going wrong isn't a anomaly... it's who they are at their core.

Who he is at his core is someone who would throw away your commitment to each other for a cheap thrill. Maybe he wouldn't on his best days? When he is happy and employed and seeing his kids... but life commitment isn't about the best days.

Thank you all - But do you think I was wrong for baiting him? Or that I manifested this by going to the length?

Nope, you didn't really bait him. He was already on there actively looking, even after you had caught him with the app on his phone and asked to talk. I mean that was his chance to quit, step back, do anything other than.....but he kept on at it and would have totally gone through with whatever and he probably has too. You don't know.

You doing what you did, was you needing confirmation for what you already knew.....unfortunately you got confirmation in spades....even though you are still struggling to accept it. I get that it hurts and that it's hard to let go of your dreams and your future, but you do deserve a better future than this guy could ever offer you. In a way, finding out now is a blessing. Would be so much worse to find out when you are 9 months pregnant.

Humans makes mistakes. He needs to confess and explain everything.

Strong communication and trust can heal act of infidelity.

Those aren't mistakes. He took many deliberate steps to go behind her back and do this.

It's not like he tripped and fell on some vagina. :s if she was someone else, he would've slept with her.

Thank you all - But do you think I was wrong for baiting him? Or that I manifested this by going to the length?

According to him he doesn't use that app that somehow got downloaded. Baiting him would be to leave the app running and connected to your fake profile with a message to reply to. He hopped on to the app, you got lucky that he landed on your profile and you got to talk to him. I don't think you did anything wrong.

If anything, I think you should have even more fake profiles out there for the rest of his life, possibly even if you two are no longer dating. Just like some kind of curse where every profile rings you and he remembers this throwing up incident

Nope, you didn't really bait him. He was already on there actively looking, even after you had caught him with the app on his phone and asked to talk. I mean that was his chance to quit, step back, do anything other than.....but he kept on at it and would have totally gone through with whatever and he probably has too. You don't know.

 

You doing what you did, was you needing confirmation for what you already knew.....unfortunately you got confirmation in spades....even though you are still struggling to accept it. I get that it hurts and that it's hard to let go of your dreams and your future, but you do deserve a better future than this guy could ever offer you. In a way, finding out now is a blessing. Would be so much worse to find out when you are 9 months pregnant.

Thank you. And yes, I am struggling to accept this and know I deserve a better future with someone else.

Those aren't mistakes. He took many deliberate steps to go behind her back and do this.

It's not like he tripped and fell on some vagina. :s if she was someone else, he would've slept with her.

He did. Usually happens when somebody is not happy in the relationship either with the other person or himself. Not working can be depressing.

He did. Usually happens when somebody is not happy in the relationship either with the other person or himself. Not working can be depressing.

So are you saying that being in a depressed state can cause one to do bad things?

So are you saying that being in a depressed state can cause one to do bad things?

Lots of people are depressed, unhappy, lose jobs. People are getting fired or laid off all the time. Sh$t happens in life and the longer you are together, the higher the probability that you will hit rough waters. That is NEVER an excuse to go off and start cheating on your SO!!!!!

Thank you all - But do you think I was wrong for baiting him? Or that I manifested this by going to the length?

Absolutely not. You did what you had to do to find out the truth. I believe he's sorry he got caught not that you were hurt and upset. Kick him to the curb unless you want to go thru this again.

So are you saying that being in a depressed state can cause one to do bad things?

Yes. Not being healthy mentally can cloud judgement..He can also not be happy in the relationship and wanted something more. Men mostly cheat because we usually want something better but it usually doesn't work that way and regret it after.

This is not a man who is anywhere near ready for a serious relationship, let alone marriage!

Be very glad you found out who really is before you committed yourself legally to this guy. He's not to be trusted and I would bet any money there is so much more you still don't know. This wasn't his first rodeo, I promise you.

Thank you all - But do you think I was wrong for baiting him? Or that I manifested this by going to the length?

Considering it sounds like he had absolutely no idea that it was you on the other end of this conversation until you revealed yourself... you got to see his true colors and what he was really on KIK for.

If it were me, I'd cut and go. It's tough for me to trust people in the first place, and a violation of this magnitude isn't something I'd be able to recover from. That being said, you're not me... so you need to take an honest evaluation of yourself before making that decision.

I think what you really need to remember is that you had a gut feeling that something wasn't right.

Those feelings come to us all but many times we ignore them and perhaps you ignored it for a while until it was screaming at you. There are multiple things wrong with your relationship that led you to feeling the way you did. If you had trusted him and felt good about the relationship you would probably not checked up on him. I am glad you did but there is more to this than some app and him being selfish and a wannabe cheater.

It is true you need to decide what to do since this is your life. It would be best to steer clear of him while you decide so you don't have the drum beat of him trying to convince you to forgive him. It should be your choice absent of his promises and begging.

You 100% did the right thing and I am 100% you can do way better than this guy.

Good luck

Lost

Yes. Not being healthy mentally can cloud judgement..He can also not be happy in the relationship and wanted something more. Men mostly cheat because we usually want something better but it usually doesn't work that way and regret it after.

Nah people cheat cos they're selfish people that don't think too much about the feelings of their s/o.

Not being healthy mentally may cloud judgement, but it won't cause someone intrinsically loyal to cheat. He was cheater, probably has already cheated before...This time is just the first time she's caught him.