Cheated on him AGAIN. Do I tell my partner OR do we need couples counselling?

For anyone that's seen my previous posts, they will see that this has been a bit of a trend for a while now.

I cheated on my partner (kissing, nothing more) late last year.

I have just come back from a 2 month work trip away overseas, and this time it got worse. I slept with a co-worker from the tour I was on, twice.

All of this desire that has come up for being with someone else isn't new. It has really become an issue over the past 6 months as I moved in with my partner for the first time, and living together has brought about its own issues with housework and chores, loss of attraction as we spend way too much time together, lack of fulfilling sex etc .. and just before I left for the trip, we had some of the worst fights as he said some hurtful things which I carried with me while I was away.

Yes, it's terrible, because I was then under the delusion that I deserved to have fun on my trip, and that my partner would never find out anyway, and that this is the prime time of my life (I'm 26) where I can have these experiences without the consequences being too terrible (i'm not married, no kids, no huge attachments or responsibilities as such) ..

But NOW, I'm back home living with my partner and I have the worst guilt of my life. It's getting unbearable living day by day and I WANT to be honest, but I'm so scared of the repercussions of admitting my wrong-doings, and how this will affect our relationship here on..

I simply don't know if I want to keep this a secret and try to move on by getting therapy, to work hard on myself and my boundaries with others, and figure out why I've let this happen again..

OR should I just be 100% honest and tell him upfront, and then sort through the messy emotions and feelings together?

This whole situation just sucks because I've been falling deeper into depression every day, I am currently unemployed (had to give up my stable job to go on the 2 month overseas contract) and I can't tell my bf the complete truth of why I feel so crap and down because I don't want to upset him and kill his *newly developed* good spirits.. (since I have been back, he has been making an amazing effort to be a great all-round bf because HE feels guilty for the fights and negative vibes he left me just before I flew off for my trip)

SO basically, I just want to know.

Does it sound like a good idea to go and tell him the complete truth, and work through the issues together?

OR should I deal with my feelings in private, and go see a relationship counsellor (maybe even a couples counsellor eventually) to sort through the issues without having to tell him I cheated, and save all of that potential drama from happening?

Thanks all in advance, I know this is a tedious topic at the best of times..

I'm going to throw an option C out here for you, and suggest that you break up with your boyfriend, find your own place, and go sow your wild oats.

Honesty is the best policy. I'd tell him asap.

If he doesn't break up with you, then dump him. He doesn't deserve this. If by some miracle he wants to work things out with you, then yea go see a couples counselor.

However if you two do break up, I'd probably remain single for a while. At least until you can get your moral compass in order.

Good luck.

Good grief, stop using him, stop cheating on him, dump him and move on. You don't need counseling, you need to get the heck out of a relationship that isn't working for you. Be single, go enjoy life. Test drive different men. Get a job and get your life back on track. Be independent.

Once you do all that, you'll meet a guy where you don't feel compelled to cheat and where you don't need counseling to hang on to the relationship.

Sometimes you really do need to know when to call it quits.

Yes, you need to confess what you did AND break up. He deserves so much more.

Couples counseling won't fix this. You are a cheater and you do not wish to stop.

Personal counseling for YOU, yes.

Unemployment, being away from eachother because you are on a business trip etc and so forth are not any reason to cheat. You are untrustworthy and you need to stop using him

OR should I deal with my feelings in private, and go see a relationship counsellor (maybe even a couples counsellor eventually) to sort through the issues without having to tell him I cheated, and save all of that potential drama from happening?

Tell now. It will be worse if you stay together and he finds out a year or three years from now.

I'd love to be alone for a while right now so I can figure myself out. But it's just not viable. We're under a 1 year bond situation in this flat, and rely upon each other to survive financially (at least when I'm working again I'll be able to start contributing again) and there's another 4 months left until we can both move elsewhere (which I was already planning on doing, but just haven't really brought up with him yet because I'm still trying to keep the peace with him until I figure out how to approach this whole thing with the least damage to both of us..)

I know, it's silly to hold these things in but I'm not as assertive as I'd like to be. And I really fear both of us turning into emotional messes when I admit everything i've done - I'm just trying to keep this household afloat for now before I have a solid plan for what's next.

Yes, you need to confess what you did AND break up. He deserves so much more.

Couples counseling won't fix this. You are a cheater and you do not wish to stop.

Personal counseling for YOU, yes.

 

Unemployment, being away from eachother because you are on a business trip etc and so forth are not any reason to cheat. You are untrustworthy and you need to stop using him

I know this is all the truth. I just wish I felt 0 emotion for him so I could move on, but I have a weird attachment to him where I feel like I need to be his carer. I DO care for him but it's a twisted sort of care, I know. It's like we've distanced emotionally and sexually but I've become more like a motherly figure to him, and he's being a naive child pretending everything is fine when really the dynamic just isn't equal anymore. This is tough as I'm good at lying, but I hate hurting people's feelings when they find out the truth.

You made a choice, it was all your decision to cheat, so face the consequence! Tell him the truth, he deserves to know.

You could simply continue this relationship with this lie, but your mental health is going to pay for it! The moment you made the decision to betray your partner, is the moment you also decided that the relationship is over. If you respect and love him, you wouldn't have cheated. There are no excuses.

My options would be; tell your partner the truth, break up with him, then go to therapy.

So right now he's the only one with a job so that you could have the benefit of going to India for two months and banging another dude? Yeah I think you know pretty well there will be no "working through the issues." If dude has even just one nut left in his sack, he'll dump you.

Under normal circumstances, I think the best course of action is to not say anything and just dump him so as not to break his sense of trust as well as his heart, but I think you're either too selfish or diffident (or both) to do so. So the only right choice is to tell him and to let him be the one to do the deed.

Then keep your mouth shut for the remaining 4 months, distance yourself, focus on getting a job, find a place to move out to and get out of this dude's life.

To tell him that you cheated on him is incredibly selfish imo. Out of all this mess, at least have the decency to keep that to yourself instead of passing on your sh$ttyness and baggage to him so he can be destroyed and devastated and then have issues trusting another woman. No ma'am. You cheated, now you get to live with the consequences all by yourself. Deal with it and please dump this guy.

You made a choice, it was all your decision to cheat, so face the consequence! Tell him the truth, he deserves to know.

 

You could simply continue this relationship with this lie, but your mental health is going to pay for it! The moment you made the decision to betray your partner, is the moment you also decided that the relationship is over. If you respect and love him, you wouldn't have cheated. There are no excuses.

 

My options would be; tell your partner the truth, break up with him, then go to therapy.

You're right, my mental health HAS been paying for it. I am starting to really wonder how I keep allowing myself to go down this destructive path again and again. I have a history of various mental illnesses so it's like I almost emotionally distance myself from my life and have very convincing coping mechanisms when troubling situations come up. It's like people on the outside wouldn't know any different. I know I need therapy already, i'm looking around for the right person.

I just want to make sure I tell my partner at a good time, such as not right before a big day at work, or a gig (he's a musician), or before his Grandma's 80th birthday this weekend (he's just so damn busy, I don't want him to miss anything!). I care about him enough to not make this situation any worse than it has to be.

Then keep your mouth shut for the remaining 4 months, distance yourself, focus on getting a job, find a place to move out to and get out of this dude's life.

 

To tell him that you cheated on him is incredibly selfish imo. Out of all this mess, at least have the decency to keep that to yourself instead of passing on your sh$ttyness and baggage to him so he can be destroyed and devastated and then have issues trusting another woman. No ma'am. You cheated, now you get to live with the consequences all by yourself. Deal with it and please dump this guy.

Hmm interesting, so that's the first person with a different outlook on it now - to keep quiet? See it's more likely that I will be able to do this. I'm too good at keeping things to myself.

But from an ethical perspective you don't think he deserves to know at some stage, for HIS peace of mind in knowing the truth of our relationship? Otherwise if he never finds out, he'll never know any better and for him to keep living in such oblivion actually worries me, he is already lacking enough self-awareness..

Be honest. There are situations where counseling would be good,but honestly from what you have written here there is no point in any counseling or anything else.

Thanks guys. I know this whole thread makes me sound like an idiot - and I KNOW i've done wrong.

There's just a lot of feelings i'm dealing with right now so it helps to have things laid straight on the table like this.

Thankyou for your honesty and lack of BS!

But from an ethical perspective you don't think he deserves to know at some stage, for HIS peace of mind in knowing the truth of our relationship? Otherwise if he never finds out, he'll never know any better and for him to keep living in such oblivion actually worries me, he is already lacking enough self-awareness..

So... you'd be telling him that you went on a trip, had sex with another guy and now you're only back with him because he's supporting you financially... and you're really deluded enough to think this will give him 'peace of mind'??? Really?

Do you think he'll benefit from this knowledge? Do you think he needs to know about it because, in your world, all women behave like this and he needs to be forearmed?

Please... who, in this scenario is REALLY lacking in self-awareness? Sorry to sound so harsh, but that para is one of the most jaw-dropping things I've ever read on here... and you think it would be 'ethical'

No, end the relationship as soon as you can. He does deserve that.

Hmm interesting, so that's the first person with a different outlook on it now - to keep quiet? See it's more likely that I will be able to do this. I'm too good at keeping things to myself.

 

But from an ethical perspective you don't think he deserves to know at some stage, for HIS peace of mind in knowing the truth of our relationship? Otherwise if he never finds out, he'll never know any better and for him to keep living in such oblivion actually worries me, he is already lacking enough self-awareness..

Not keep quiet forever, letting him think his partner is great.

Keep quiet until you can move out, she gave a specific time frame. And reasons.

So... you'd be telling him that you went on a trip, had sex with another guy and now you're only back with him because he's supporting you financially... and you're really deluded enough to think this will give him 'peace of mind'??? Really?

 

Do you think he'll benefit from this knowledge? Do you think he needs to know about it because, in your world, all women behave like this and he needs to be forearmed?

 

Please... who, in this scenario is REALLY lacking in self-awareness? Sorry to sound so harsh, but that para is one of the most jaw-dropping things I've ever read on here... and you think it would be 'ethical'

 

No, end the relationship as soon as you can. He does deserve that.

Your post is much kinder than mine would have been. A cheater talking about ethics.....that's rich....lmao.......

In my opinion cheaters are some of the worst people on earth.

You have betrayed someone you supposedly love by sleeping with someone else. Forget your own guilt, tell him what you did and break up. He doesn't deserve to be betrayed, lied to and strung around.

Go be single and live your life how you want without hurting someone in the process

I deserved to have fun on my trip, and that my partner would never find out anyway, and that this is the prime time of my life (I'm 26) where I can have these experiences without the consequences being too terrible (i'm not married, no kids, no huge attachments or responsibilities as such) ..

 

OR should I deal with my feelings in private, and go see a relationship counsellor (maybe even a couples counsellor eventually) to sort through the issues without having to tell him I cheated, and save all of that potential drama from happening?

 

And if you are unemployed who is going to pay for these expensive counselling sessions ? The poor guy you cheated on ? Wouldn't that be something ? Him paying for your counseling sessions so that you could get over the guilt you feel about cheating on him ?

You let go a good thing to have some fun away from him with men that probably don't remember your name.

See, it's actually extremely easy to find yourself a guy that wants to hookup for casual fun sex, those losers that don't want any commitment or wake up next to you in the morning or live with you, those guys are everywhere and very replaceable, they are worthless, but the guy willing to live with you day in a day out in a committed relationship and who actually tries to do better by you, misses you when you are gone, and actively works on making the relationship better and admitting when he has been not so great ? Those men are rare and worth holding on to.

Your idea of having fun is actually risky , sexual promiscuity leads to unwanted pregnancies, stds, and leave you no better off than you were going into it, I've never been able to understand that idea of 'fun". Fun to me is going on vacation somewhere fun with your partner, sharing your time with someone worth having.

Maybe you need to change your outlook in life to achieve some true happiness.

It's too late to make it work with this man, you have betrayed him in the worst way, you've given your body to other men while you were with him, that's unacceptable and he doesn't deserve this.

The kindest thing you can do for him is to leave him and support yourself.

You're right, my mental health HAS been paying for it. I am starting to really wonder how I keep allowing myself to go down this destructive path again and again. I have a history of various mental illnesses so it's like I almost emotionally distance myself from my life and have very convincing coping mechanisms when troubling situations come up. It's like people on the outside wouldn't know any different. I know I need therapy already, i'm looking around for the right person.

 

I just want to make sure I tell my partner at a good time, such as not right before a big day at work, or a gig (he's a musician), or before his Grandma's 80th birthday this weekend (he's just so damn busy, I don't want him to miss anything!). I care about him enough to not make this situation any worse than it has to be.

Do you? Or do you care more about yourself and how he'll perceive you? Honest question.

So you plan to use him for money until you have your own?

Hey, you're in the prime of your life, right? Why not do and take whatever it is you want and to heck with those who care about you and who you purport to care about!

Let me ask this: if the opportunity presented itself, would you cheat on him again if you thought he'd never find out?

Cheating + gold digging. You're really a prize don't you? Poor guy.

And I'm not saying this to be rude. Everyone makes mistakes and I don't like judging people like this, but you seem to lack so much self awareness, empathy and genuine feelings for this guy that I can't help but think that you have narcissistic tendencies or if you're like this with everyone around you or just this poor guy. I really hope that he can leave you, move on and find someone who really loves him and respects him and that he does so with his mind and bank account intact.

And for you I hope that after dealing with the consequences of your actions and taking responsibility for it (and maybe lots of therapy), that you gain self awareness and treat the next guy with love and respect.

Do you? Or do you care more about yourself and how he'll perceive you? Honest question.

I guess it's a bit of both, I honestly don't want to be known as a cheater..

So you plan to use him for money until you have your own?

 

Hey, you're in the prime of your life, right? Why not do and take whatever it is you want and to heck with those who care about you and who you purport to care about!

 

Let me ask this: if the opportunity presented itself, would you cheat on him again if you thought he'd never find out?

Ok look, there's a lot of details left out, and I'm not here sucking out his money. I have 2 employers that haven't back paid me; in the meantime I am living off of tiny savings and I have borrowed a little amount from my parents. I don't like this situation but I'm taking steps to find work and do have some contract gigs next month, but in the meantime it's just tough because I don't want to create more issues in our household when we're both already walking on eggshells financially (he isn't doing great with money either, so it's not like I'm sticking around for his money! I never have. He's always been thrifty and never shouted me a meal out, we had always had an equal, independent relationship where we pay for ourselves only until now where i simply can't afford to!)