Cheated on him AGAIN. Do I tell my partner OR do we need couples counselling?

[arvela]

 

Let me ask this: if the opportunity presented itself, would you cheat on him again if you thought he'd never find out?

 

And look, NO, I have had far enough now with the guilt and I know i've gone too far this time. I couldn't do it again.

[arvela]

Cheating + gold digging. You're really a prize don't you? Poor guy.

 

And I'm not saying this to be rude. Everyone makes mistakes and I don't like judging people like this, but you seem to lack so much self awareness, empathy and genuine feelings for this guy that I can't help but think that you have narcissistic tendencies or if you're like this with everyone around you or just this poor guy. I really hope that he can leave you, move on and find someone who really loves him and respects him and that he does so with his mind and bank account intact.

 

And for you I hope that after dealing with the consequences of your actions and taking responsibility for it (and maybe lots of therapy), that you gain self awareness and treat the next guy with love and respect.

 

Please see post below; I'm NOT gold-digging. I owe him 2 weeks rent and I will pay him back in full when my overdue pay comes in from the contract work I did last month.

 

Now, the problem is I can agree with some of what you've mentioned, I know there's something wrong with me to have let things go this far.

 

I've actually felt guilty throughout the whole relationship for not understanding my feelings for him (its been 2 years), hoping that over time as I got to know him better the passion would increase, we would 'click' at a deeper level and that it was just a matter of having more bonding experiences that we'd become closer. But it hasn't quite happened yet, and it's almost like I can't bring this up with him because HE doesn't see it this way. He's still as obsessed and in love with me as ever and it actually does break my heart to wreck the fantasy in his head. THIS is what I mean by his lack of self awareness, he can't see through his obsession with me to see things for what they truly are. He doesn't pick up on subtle cues when i'm responding in a negative way, he is almost in denial about anything being wrong between us. And I hate it.. because it makes me guilty every single day that I don't feel the same, and don't have the guts to express myself honestly to him because keeping the peace is far easier somehow. Yes, it's wrong!!

 

Long story short, he is also part of a self-development program called Landmark which allows you to manipulate yours' and other peoples' emotions so you can create your own reality in a way, and I feel he is SO brainwashed by the organisation that he has lost touch with his real feelings because he's become too good at 'pretending' everything in his world is under HIS control.. anyway.

 

Yes. I do, he does, we both need therapy.

[EternalOptimis]

HE doesn't see it this way. He's still as obsessed and in love with me as ever and it actually does break my heart to wreck the fantasy in his head. THIS is what I mean by his lack of self awareness, he can't see through his obsession with me to see things for what they truly are. He doesn't pick up on subtle cues when i'm responding in a negative way, he is almost in denial about anything being wrong between us. And I hate it.. because it makes me guilty every single day that I don't feel the same, and don't have the guts to express myself honestly to him because keeping the peace is far easier somehow. Yes, it's wrong!! .

 

That was me. Any my shame. I idealised her till she cheated on me. And though I believed her lies about taking responsibility for her actions and took her back, she was not the fantasy I'd built up. It's your responsibility to communicate better rather than expect the other to "pick up on clues". Particularly as it was you who strayed. Real change only happens with complete (yes, 100%) honesty and a genuine desire to change. If not for this relationship then for future ones.

 

Tell him all. And explain why you think you did it and why it will NEVER EVER happen again. If HE chooses to stay you just MAY have a life together

[itsallgrand]

He deserves to know you slept with someone else so he can make informed decisions about his own health and well being. He can't make those kinds of informed decisions while under the impression you are only sleeping with him. He may want to go get tested, because who you sleep with can impact him. And because you lie and betray, he can't count on your word that you practised safe sex ( even if you did, it's his human right to be able to make those decisions himself about what choice to make ).

 

Cheating is bad enough in its own right. But keeping information that takes away his window to seek prompt medical care, and to stop sleeping with you - that's not even something you should be contemplating, in my opinion.

[LaHermes]

OP:

 

"...he is also part of a self-development program called Landmark which allows you to manipulate yours' and other peoples' emotions so you can create your own reality in a way, and I feel he is SO brainwashed by the organisation that he has lost touch with his real feelings because he's become too good at 'pretending' everything in his world is under HIS control.. anyway.

 

Aside from everything else, OP, there isn't much point in being with someone who lives in never-never land based on planet Fantasy.

[boltnrun]

Seems like you're now blaming him for your cheating.

 

Staying together for financial reasons is dishonest if you're not going to disclose what you've done or if you're pretending to still be in love with him just so you don't have to try to find somewhere to live.

[j.man]

I owe him 2 weeks rent and I will pay him back in full when my overdue pay comes in from the contract work I did last month.

And in four months you'll him 4 months and 2 weeks rent?

[Capricorn3]

I honestly don't want to be known as a cheater..

Yet you carry on cheating. Didn't learn anything from the first time. That reputation will stick like mud.

[arvela]

Yet you carry on cheating. Didn't learn anything from the first time. That reputation will stick like mud.

 

I've only learnt now because actual sex feels more invasive and has more guilt than just kissing.. and because yes, I realise there's now health repurcussions for both of us if I end up sleeping with my partner again (it's been at least 4 months since we've actually 'slept' together and I've been careful lately to refuse doing it with him until I am tested) SO yes, I am acting as responsible as I can given these new circumstances..

[arvela]

And in four months you'll him 4 months and 2 weeks rent?

 

Very funny.. haha..

[jimthzz]

Nothing more to add. Move on and get to do whatever you want to do without hurting your partner.

 

You owe him honesty so he can get checked for STDs. (BTW, you ought to get checked too)

 

For anyone that's seen my previous posts, they will see that this has been a bit of a trend for a while now.

 

I cheated on my partner (kissing, nothing more) late last year.

 

I have just come back from a 2 month work trip away overseas, and this time it got worse. I slept with a co-worker from the tour I was on, twice.

 

All of this desire that has come up for being with someone else isn't new. It has really become an issue over the past 6 months as I moved in with my partner for the first time, and living together has brought about its own issues with housework and chores, loss of attraction as we spend way too much time together, lack of fulfilling sex etc .. and just before I left for the trip, we had some of the worst fights as he said some hurtful things which I carried with me while I was away.

 

Yes, it's terrible, because I was then under the delusion that I deserved to have fun on my trip, and that my partner would never find out anyway, and that this is the prime time of my life (I'm 26) where I can have these experiences without the consequences being too terrible (i'm not married, no kids, no huge attachments or responsibilities as such) ..

 

But NOW, I'm back home living with my partner and I have the worst guilt of my life. It's getting unbearable living day by day and I WANT to be honest, but I'm so scared of the repercussions of admitting my wrong-doings, and how this will affect our relationship here on..

 

I simply don't know if I want to keep this a secret and try to move on by getting therapy, to work hard on myself and my boundaries with others, and figure out why I've let this happen again..

 

OR should I just be 100% honest and tell him upfront, and then sort through the messy emotions and feelings together?

 

This whole situation just sucks because I've been falling deeper into depression every day, I am currently unemployed (had to give up my stable job to go on the 2 month overseas contract) and I can't tell my bf the complete truth of why I feel so crap and down because I don't want to upset him and kill his *newly developed* good spirits.. (since I have been back, he has been making an amazing effort to be a great all-round bf because HE feels guilty for the fights and negative vibes he left me just before I flew off for my trip)

 

SO basically, I just want to know.

 

Does it sound like a good idea to go and tell him the complete truth, and work through the issues together?

 

OR should I deal with my feelings in private, and go see a relationship counsellor (maybe even a couples counsellor eventually) to sort through the issues without having to tell him I cheated, and save all of that potential drama from happening?

 

Thanks all in advance, I know this is a tedious topic at the best of times..

 

I'm going to throw an option C out here for you, and suggest that you break up with your boyfriend, find your own place, and go sow your wild oats.

[Jibralta]

I'd love to be alone for a while right now so I can figure myself out. But it's just not viable. We're under a 1 year bond situation in this flat, and rely upon each other to survive financially (at least when I'm working again I'll be able to start contributing again) and there's another 4 months left until we can both move elsewhere (which I was already planning on doing, but just haven't really brought up with him yet because I'm still trying to keep the peace with him until I figure out how to approach this whole thing with the least damage to both of us..)

 

I know, it's silly to hold these things in but I'm not as assertive as I'd like to be. And I really fear both of us turning into emotional messes when I admit everything i've done - I'm just trying to keep this household afloat for now before I have a solid plan for what's next.

 

(Oops. Meant to quote not thank)

 

Arvela, if this is the case, and you intend to break up with him, then I wouldn't tell him. It's only four more months. Why make it hell. Be pleasant and friendly, but don't be physical with your boyfriend anymore. Keep the peace while you are stuck together.

[ch504]

Arvela, I think it's brave of you to come on here and admit this, asking honestly for people's help, only to get so many writing bitter things and judgmental comments.

 

You do sound like you are being thoughtful, and at no point does it sound like you set out for this to happen. I don't understand why some people feel the need to be so condescending towards you. Someone has even admitted to judging you for a lack of self-awareness! That's so rich. It's like calling a school child stupid because they don't know something they'll get taught next year.

 

You are looking for answers and you seem to be trying to find the best way out of a difficult situation - this is absolutely to be commended.

I think, keep questioning yourself as to the honesty thing. "Honest is always the best policy" - well that depends very much on who you'd be telling. I noted your comment about feeling like his caretaker - I can relate to that a little, so I share your angst over how honest to be (on a myriad of different issues).

 

Another thing wrt honesty - will it be of any value to him? I know others have said similar things...so I don't want to repeat their wise words. I suspect, if you're looking to get out anyway, there is little value in being honest. Only if you intend to stay, and even then, see above paragraph.

 

I don't think life is a simple or black and white as many of the people that post on here believe.

[jimthzz]

Do you? Or do you care more about yourself and how he'll perceive you? Honest question.

 

I guess it's a bit of both, I honestly don't want to be known as a cheater..

 

No cheater does!

 

You fix this by living ethically going forward.

 

You need to clue him in on the truth of his life with you. Plus, I think you need to move out, find someone to sublet your obligation.

[abitbroken]

Honestly, its not fair to wait for four months for your own personal gain/preservation. I think you should come clean, so he is well aware that he needs to find a new place when your lease is up rather than expecting you will simply renew the lease together - so he can make plans and not scramble at the last minute and settle for a very inconvenient living arrangement just because he has no place. If you come clean, it will be a very big move forward in your own personal growth instead of continuing a life built on constant lies and coverups.