Chemistry Through Messaging

Hey all... on another thread, a poster (the OP) mentioned feeling "chemistry through messaging." Another poster chimed in and said it doesn't exist, that h/she had never connected with anyone via "words on a screen."

A second poster chimed in with the same.

The OP went on to explain of course it exists -- it's "word selection, humor, analogies…writing style. How they chose to respond, all of that." Went on to say "The way a person writes, their manner of response, the brevity, punctuation, the content and how they chose to present it, if they are careful and choosy with their words, it all says something about them."

I tend to agree with the OP.... it's not just "words on a screen," there IS another person behind those "words on a screen," after all... replete with a personality, emotions, feelings and the like.

So you are not connecting with words on a screen, but a human being behind the words on a screen.

And if that human being has the ability to let their personality shine through via the written word, then yes it's possible to "connect" that way... I truly believe that.

I recall many years ago feeling that energy/chemistry with a man via texting and emailing, he really pulled me in via his words, he was engaging, gregarious, emotional all the qualities I am attracted to.

I really felt something! As odd as that may sound to some.

Yes that energy was coming through loud and clear via those "words on a screen."

However, when I finally met him in REAL LIFE he was a completely different person!

Not to sound mean but in person he was a total blah! Nothing like his "email personality."

Since then I firmly believe one can have two entirely different personalities -- their "texting/email personality" and their "real life personality."

So while yeah one can certainly feel that energy/chemistry with someone via the written word, IMO it's NOT genuine until you meet IN PERSON.

I felt that energy with another man more recently too. But we never met, nor did it appear we ever would meet, so eventually it just sort of faded out (died of attrition) at least for me.

That is why IMO it SO important to meet IN PERSON asap, otherwise one can get caught up in false illusions and the "idea" of someone.

Also important is to not trust your feelings (that energy/connection) by merely communicating via text or email.

That can ALL change once you meet in person, OR as what happened with the second guy, if you DON'T meet, it could simply die of attrition.

But as far as "feeling" it via the written word, I truly believe one can (I have) although unfortunately it didn't last for reasons explained above.

Thoughts?

I agree!

I fell for my current boyfriend a year ago when we first started talking on messenger then skype. We both fell in love. When it came time to meet in July over the internet all that time before we had gone through any up and down of a normal couple with nine months of talking.

In July when we met it was even better then we could expect. Instant chemistry! We wouldn't have known if we had chemistry though if we hadn't met.

Lisa

I agree with you.

Also the thing about meeting someone online is that you get to know them from a whole different perspective.

Sure they can pretend to be anyone they want but if they are honest and open up about their private things with someone else, they can get to know each other for who they truly are inside. Instead of dealing with appereance u deal with face to face.

I agree!

 

I fell for my current boyfriend a year ago when we first started talking on messenger then skype. We both fell in love. When it came time to meet in July over the internet all that time before we had gone through any up and down of a normal couple with nine months of talking.

 

In July when we met it was even better then we could expect. Instant chemistry! We wouldn't have known if we had chemistry though if we hadn't met.

 

Lisa

Good for you Lisa.... it's so nice to read a happy ending for once!

For me I have only felt it with the two men I spoke about in my original post. And I have texted/emailed with A LOT of men too.... so while it does happen (as it did with you and your guy) I think it is very rare.

With you and your guy, it sounds like you both put forth the necessary effort (via Skype, etc) which kept it ALIVE until you finally met, which is so important too.

Were you nervous to meet in person after all that time? You must've been.... I would have been!!

I have heard stories on either side and as well have had good and bad experiences. You can connect with someone online but meeting them in person really can go either way.

It's 50/50 as far as I am concerned. But then again it depends on the person you're typing with..are they being honest? are the pretending to be someone they're not? and so on..that has a major impact on all of it as well.

With the safety of a screen someone can be a lot more forward, risky and charming... but there is also the fact that with just words the reader is putting a lot of context into them. You might have never liked this man even if he said the exact same words in person. You can't get a feel for someone through their written text. Half of it (or more) is what you are putting into it. You WANT to connect. And without a face, without intonation, without smell, vocal patterns, eye contact....? Without all of that you are just filling it all in.

Once you know someone it's easier to read them in text, understand their humor, understand their attention and compassion. But with just text... it's not that they are another person... it's just the person you made up isn't actually them. It's fun to connect with other people and you can do that through words and text... but you only know one aspect (a controlled one at that) and that is actually tiny in the face of complexity of a person.

With the safety of a screen someone can be a lot more forward, risky and charming... but there is also the fact that with just words the reader is putting a lot of context into them. You might have never liked this man even if he said the exact same words in person. You can't get a feel for someone through their written text. Half of it (or more) is what you are putting into it. You WANT to connect. And without a face, without intonation, without smell, vocal patterns, eye contact....? Without all of that you are just filling it all in.

 

Once you know someone it's easier to read them in text, understand their humor, understand their attention and compassion. But with just text... it's not that they are another person... it's just the person you made up isn't actually them. It's fun to connect with other people and you can do that through words and text... but you only know one aspect (a controlled one at that) and that is actually tiny in the face of complexity of a person.

Oh I absolutely agree with that!

I alluded to that as well in my original post, but you articulated it much more succinctly.

Good for you Lisa.... it's so nice to read a happy ending for once!

 

For me I have only felt it with the two men I spoke about in my original post. And I have texted/emailed with A LOT of men too.... so while it does happen (as it did with you and your guy) I think it is very rare.

 

With you and your guy, it sounds like you both put forth the necessary effort (via Skype, etc) which kept it ALIVE until you finally met, which is so important too.

 

Were you nervous to meet in person after all that time? You must've been.... I would have been!!

Thank you!

I was very nervous, so nervous I almost called it off a couple times lol. I'm glad I didn't though. He was just as nervous as I was. When we first met face to face we hardly made any eye contact right away. Then once we sat down at the table we held hands and it started to go more smoothly and felt more natural. The second time we met it was as if he and I had been dating forever. When I see him for four days in January and if he comes here in December then I just know it will be even better.

We still keep up the communication between the distance and haven't missed a day of talking or texting or skyping. Which does help and also right from the beginning we have always been open and honest. We have good communication!

Lisa

The feeling of the connection is real, the connection itself is mostly fantasy. It's a bit like connecting with a character when you are reading a book. Your mind, your imagination fills in a lot of blanks and paints this wonderful picture of this character in your mind, how they look, how they laugh, their tone, manners, etc. Thing is....it's a figment of your imagination.

Yes, once in a blue moon it can happen that your imagination and reality match up and there is real chemistry and real connection that converts to real life. However, you should be cautious with that. It's a bit like finding a unicorn. Your chances of that actually happening for you are really slim.

I agree with your whole post, "chemistry through messaging" is real and it's what makes us decide whether we want to continue communicating with someone or not.

Problems appear when people confuse it for real life chemistry, or when they go overboard and think there is such thing as "love through messaging" or "relationships through messaging". Those things don't exist, because both love and relationships require in-person contact.

I have experienced this "chemistry through messaging" both with people of the same and opposite sex. Say while doing online dating, it was this perceived chemistry that made me reply to some and not reply to others. Same goes for those times when for example I wanted to make friends through meetup.com. Some women I hit it off with instantly, while with some I just knew, from a few messages exchanged, that there was no potential for us to ever be friends. Some of the people I ended up meeting as a result of this "chemistry" turned out to be duds, while others became good friends. Like the poster who inspired this thread said, even on this forum we all have posters we really like, posters whom we don't always agree with but whose opinions we respect, and posters whom we just know that put in the same room, we'd both get out of there full of bruises lol. But by the same token, this perception could be dead wrong, some of the people we think we have nothing in common with and dislike may in fact be the nicest people, had we met them in person.

What I'm getting at is that this "chemistry through messaging" is real, but superficial, and it can become dangerous if not being seen for what it is: just a precursor to getting to know someone in person, a filter meant to weed out those we would absolutely not ever get along with, something temporary that we can never rely on 100%.

This could be just like pen pals way back in the day or writing letters to each other.

There are more than a few problems with the disconnected connection.

First it isn't real until you actually meet in person. How many have been fooled online? How many lured into some situation they would have never got close to?

Second each person has all kinds of time to parse their words and write something, read it over and then backspace like crazy to re-write it so it sounds just right before they hit send.

Third is we tend to read into what we see what we want to happen or feel. We form connections mostly on our desires and not on what is right in front of us.

If you are careful and check yourself it can be a way to lead to something more but there needs to be some sort of face to face meeting sooner than later. Otherwise expectations can be built up so much that when real life shows up it doesn't stand a chance of living up to what you imagined.

Lost

Excellent post. Agree, it can be both. A lot comes across in someone's writing and then again in person. Let's say different facets of a person.

I firmly believe one can have two entirely different personalities -- their "texting/email personality" and their "real life personality."

I agree that the written word is just part of the information you need about another person. Meeting in person provides more, and spending time together through normal life. There's short term chemistry and the longer lasting kind. And I want to add, their spoken words and physical presence are also only part of the picture. You really do have to pay attention to their actions, with you and with others.