NC didn't work for me

I have seen so many debates about this, had numerous discussions about this and I finally realised something. When my ex left me 6 weeks ago, I struggled (as did he in his own way). In that time we haven't gone more than 3 or 4 days without some form of contact, some nice, some not so nice. So you might say, "well it didn't work because you didn't do it". No, what I realised was that constantly hearing that no contact was what I "should" be doing, put an enormous pressure on me. At a time when I was already stressed and struggling. I felt like someone who say has an alcoholic addiction being told no you can't have that glass of wine! You can't "force" someone to give something up, with the best will and intentions in the world. That is just as likely to push them the opposite way. They need to be ready to want to do it. I wasn't. So for me to hear constantly that NC was the "only way" just made me feel worse. I didn't even realise it myself until now but I have thought about this a lot.

I am now on what you would probably call LC. For now this is working for me. In a months time I'll be spending 3 months abroad. I know my time there will be fun and full of things to keep my mind occupied! That is when I can go NC if I want to. When I finally accepted that this was the right choice for my particular circumstances, I felt a huge sense of relief. Free from the pressure of trying to be NC it's now so much easier, and actually I feel far less like contacting him! If in the course of the LC I find myself hurting, then I will stop and go NC but LC is what has actually given me back some power. I now feel so much more in control. My fingers no longer itch to type out a message to him. Going "cold turkey" was just not the right choice for me.

I don't go on crash diets, I slowly try and introduce more healthy foods. When I wanted to drink less alcohol, I cut down over time, I didn't just stop. Many people use smoking replacements to stop smoking. Going cold turkey isn't right for everyone. In fact if an alcoholic goes cold turkey they can actually die! We are all individuals, our ex's are individuals, our relationships are all different. You can't just apply a blanket rule and say that's right for everyone. I actually think it can be quite damaging. As long as your not stalking your ex and/or breaking any laws, you have to do what's right for you.

I am not doing LC to try and "win" him back. It's not about that. NC is not about winning someone back. NC is about your own healing. For me, LC is aiding my healing. If that changes, then I will do something different.

For the people who remained in contact and got more hurt, well of course they will advocate no contact. They are trying to save others from the pain they went through. I totally get that and they're coming from a place of kindness in wanting to help others. But I strongly believe it's about finding what's right for you and your own healing.

Yeah I get what you're saying...I broke NC many times, but eventually you come to your own conclusion that your ex isn't coming back yet sometimes they would love to remain "friends" if they dumped you because they miss the friendship. This is what gets people's hopes up and ultimately keeps them "stuck" and not able to move forward. I didn't put full NC into place until over a year post split by it was a long relationship with children etc..but she wasn't coming back and when i finally accepted that I decided NC was the best and haven't looked back. But yes whatever works as long as you don't keep getting your heart smashed.

Whoop,whoop...well said!.

What a great person you are, strong and determined.

Big hugs 😁

Everyone has there own method. I also believe it depends on how the break up resulted. If there was a lot of pain, then I would need to go NC, but if it were mutual, then maybe LC could work.

I see the majority staying stuck with LC. I had to go NC, as my ex was stringing me along, it was too painful to stay in touch, and it was holding me back.

Have a great trip!

Well oddly enough, I wrote that post and a few hours later he messages me, asks about my day. We get to talking and, while I wont go into the whole conversation, he asks me that if I still have feelings for him after my trip whether I might consider trying again, and that maybe he can come see me while I'm away. It's very very early days. I don't know what will happen and I'm not putting my life on hold waiting for him. We also both agreed we need to work on ourselves these next few months. But we wouldn't have even talked about all this if I had gone the NC route. Whether we get back together or not, I believe I have made the right choice.

People reach out to others all the time after the NC route, actually more than LC, as they had time to miss them and reflect.

Good luck!

People reach out to others all the time after the NC route, actually more than LC, as they had time to miss them and reflect.

 

Good luck!

Thanks 😊

Wouldn't have worked with mine as he is definitely an "out of sight out of mind" person. He would have just moved on. But like I say, everyone's different and it's what works for each person. That was kind of my point in the first place!

NC is not the super all world answer to all relationship break ups. There are times that Limited contact works. But I learned that when you are doing limited contact it has to be done when you are at your strongest and not at your weakest. If its working for you... awesome

It sounds like your breakup was premature due to arguing, not getting along etc. So low contact can continue those arguments or downshift the ongoing relationship to fwb, which sounds perfect for you two at this point.

maybe he can come see me while I'm away

It sounds like your breakup was premature due to arguing, not getting along etc. So low contact can continue those arguments or downshift the ongoing relationship to fwb, which sounds perfect for you two at this point.

Oh I'm sorry, but you have no idea how wrong you are! So much so I burst out laughing when I read your post. No way am I going into our personal life on here but trust me your wrong!

That may be how you would conduct yourself but please don't judge everyone by your standards.

NC is so negative and spouted as the only solution to everything. I don't think between emotionally mature adults it is the way forwards necessarily. Each must find their own way.

I think NC can be one of the tools in the armoury to repairing oneself, but it is by no means the sole one.

Mod Note: Please remain respectful.

I think most people here give the best advice they can, based on their own experiences. But at the end of the day, we all know ourselves best, and have to make our own choices. If LC works for you, then that's the correct choice for you, and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

I'm dealing with a similar thing. Everyone is telling me that me and my ex absolutely cannot be friends. I'm not sure I agree. I'd like to try. It may or may not work. But if it fails that would be because it wasn't the right course of action for the two of us, not because of any universal rule about exes can't be friends.

Keep following your heart and your gut.

I have seen so many debates about this, had numerous discussions about this and I finally realised something. When my ex left me 6 weeks ago, I struggled (as did he in his own way). In that time we haven't gone more than 3 or 4 days without some form of contact, some nice, some not so nice. So you might say, "well it didn't work because you didn't do it". No, what I realised was that constantly hearing that no contact was what I "should" be doing, put an enormous pressure on me. At a time when I was already stressed and struggling. I felt like someone who say has an alcoholic addiction being told no you can't have that glass of wine! You can't "force" someone to give something up, with the best will and intentions in the world. That is just as likely to push them the opposite way. They need to be ready to want to do it. I wasn't. So for me to hear constantly that NC was the "only way" just made me feel worse. I didn't even realise it myself until now but I have thought about this a lot.

 

I am now on what you would probably call LC. For now this is working for me. In a months time I'll be spending 3 months abroad. I know my time there will be fun and full of things to keep my mind occupied! That is when I can go NC if I want to. When I finally accepted that this was the right choice for my particular circumstances, I felt a huge sense of relief. Free from the pressure of trying to be NC it's now so much easier, and actually I feel far less like contacting him! If in the course of the LC I find myself hurting, then I will stop and go NC but LC is what has actually given me back some power. I now feel so much more in control. My fingers no longer itch to type out a message to him. Going "cold turkey" was just not the right choice for me.

 

I don't go on crash diets, I slowly try and introduce more healthy foods. When I wanted to drink less alcohol, I cut down over time, I didn't just stop. Many people use smoking replacements to stop smoking. Going cold turkey isn't right for everyone. In fact if an alcoholic goes cold turkey they can actually die! We are all individuals, our ex's are individuals, our relationships are all different. You can't just apply a blanket rule and say that's right for everyone. I actually think it can be quite damaging. As long as your not stalking your ex and/or breaking any laws, you have to do what's right for you.

 

I am not doing LC to try and "win" him back. It's not about that. NC is not about winning someone back. NC is about your own healing. For me, LC is aiding my healing. If that changes, then I will do something different.

 

For the people who remained in contact and got more hurt, well of course they will advocate no contact. They are trying to save others from the pain they went through. I totally get that and they're coming from a place of kindness in wanting to help others. But I strongly believe it's about finding what's right for you and your own healing.

No one was "forcing" you to do anything other then what you are capable of doing. The best advice to help anyone get over someone is to go cold turkey withdrawl. That is exactly what they do for alcoholics (since you used the analogy) to get them over the physical dependency on booze. You can't quit drinking if you keep taking a drink. Same: You can't get over your addiction to someone if you keep on being addicted to them.

In fact if an alcoholic goes cold turkey they can actually die!

You can tell yourself anything you can to justify your attachment/addiction to your ex. Frankly: I think you have conveniently made excuses to maintain your addiction(s).

Nakano. You said, a week ago.

"Well I'd already broken NC yesterday and it had left me inevitably feeling worse as he started banging on about divorce again. Then it got left sort of open. So last night I decided to send a last short email and told him I was blocking him on everything so not to respond.

I said that by banging on about the divorce after just 1month of separation that he was being a child throwing a tantrum (as the divorce talk came cos I wouldn't lie to immigration for him) as opposed to an adult that talks things through. That I didn't need an adult child to look after (this man was so needy he even used to get me to pick his clothes for him in the mornings!). Also that I couldn't believe I would waste so much time and emotions on someone who had done so little to deserve my efforts.

I ended by saying I wished him neither happiness nor unhappiness. That today had shown me that I no longer have any interest in his life. I ended with telling him he is nothing to me now. Then I blocked him everywhere.

I feel that was a good way to have the final word! Lol. And if I go back on that now an contact him again then I will look like an idiot! I needed to shut the door on myself I think."

And he'll bang on again about the same, N, and that's how it goes. But I suppose you and you alone must experience this.

its case by case IMO

but I feel like NC is needed for a period of time after the break up to see if you want to repair things or go a separate way.

Ive seen couples who have broken up, the dumper comes back too soon either missing the person or without fixing the issue and bam, another break up

leaving the person even more hurt.

Ive also seen dumpers use the dumpee , using them until they can transition into a new relationship.

its up to anyone on what they want to do with their life but there comes a point where if you still have feelings for the person

, is this contact really worth it or is it time to move and find someone better for yourself.

Well oddly enough, I wrote that post and a few hours later he messages me, asks about my day. We get to talking and, while I wont go into the whole conversation, he asks me that if I still have feelings for him after my trip whether I might consider trying again, and that maybe he can come see me while I'm away.

To each their own, indeed.

I wish you good luck as well but not for the relationship. That ship has sailed IMNSHO.

I'll add that he's probably trying to get back with you now not because you've kept in contact but rather because that's the only way he will be able to stay in the country he's currently in. Have you forgotten that he needs you for that?

Don't let YOUR withdrawl symptoms fool you into going back to someone that didn't want you but would take you if it meant he wouldn't be booted out of the country.

Nakano, I realise it is hard. When things fall asunder one is left bereft.

Do re-read what you said here:

"But I have to face facts and realise my marriage is over, whether I like it or not! Contact with him always brings relief initially, ]but then I'm left feeling worse than ever. Anything positive he said to me from here on in I wouldn't believe anyway as I know he's desperate to stay where he is and that's all he wants."

The brief "fix", Nakano, leaves you feeling more dragged down than ever afterwards. Don't do this to yourself.

wow, so where do I even begin!

1. His visa issue is sorted without me and I have seen the emails from immigration so he isn't using me for that. In fact that is why he was pushing me away because he wanted to sort that without me so we would both know he was being genuine.

2. I know my husband, none of you do. I asked for advice and you gave me that to the best of your knowledge and ability and for that I am grateful. My husband has faults, many! But he has always been honest with me. If he is saying he would genuinely like us to see if we can work out, he means it.

3. I don't actually see where things like co-dependancy even comes into it. We had a rocky patch in our marriage. It happens, and mature adults work through it. Plenty of marriages come back from far worse.

4. You all only saw what I posted when I was feeling low or angry or upset. There is so much more than that to what is going on.

I am starting to think my biggest mistake was to come to a forum for advice! I thought I could just post and get some feedback. I had no idea it would be used as "evidence" against me at a later date. So um yeah, thanks for that! Don't think I'll be back here somehow!

How did he get out of you reporting him to immigration?

Your last thread was about reporting him for wanting you to lie to them about his status. You didn't update that you'd worked it out (that I seen anyway).

Everything we've said has merit based on what you've shared with us. The only mistake you made coming here was not realizing you were going to get counter replies to what you had to say and that you'd not like anything you read that didn't go along with what you expect as an outcome.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink so I'll bid you adeau

No one was "forcing" you to do anything other then what you are capable of doing. The best advice to help anyone get over someone is to go cold turkey withdrawl. That is exactly what they do for alcoholics (since you used the analogy) to get them over the physical dependency on booze. You can't quit drinking if you keep taking a drink. Same: You can't get over your addiction to someone if you keep on being addicted to them.

 

That is in extreme cases. Regardless: Trust me, you won't die if you stop talking to someone you are addicted to.

 

You can tell yourself anything you can to justify your attachment/addiction to your ex. Frankly: I think you have conveniently made excuses to maintain your addiction(s).

I work with alcoholics so I know what I'm talking about. And you can have your opinion, doesn't make it a fact.

Come on, Nakano. This is not a court of law lol. But we can only go by what the poster writes and all we have is that written word in order to give the best advice possible. We are not with you in person and I think we are not doing too badly at all with the good advice given on the basis of your posts.

"There is so much more than that to what is going on.

"

But how are we to know that, Nakano!!! We can only go by what you write here.

You got feedback, and very sincere and all in all kindly feedback at that.

Of course we don't know your husband, but please at least acknowledge that the posters here gave you best advice based on what YOU said.

Good luck with everything.

Re immigration- his work are now sponsoring him so that's all sorted and I've seen the documents.

That was my point Hermes, you went by what I said, I did say everyone advised me based on what I said, but I didn't expect it to be thrown back at me when I said I was talking things through with him.

I got my whole messages quoted back at me with what tbh sounded almost like venom! And people essentially telling me I was a guillable idiot! I don't think there was any need for that!

I work with alcoholics so I know what I'm talking about. And you can have your opinion, doesn't make it a fact.

I once worked with alcoholic/drug addicted and their counter parts (codependents) too so I know as well. Likewise; You can have your opinion but that doesn't make it right either. Like I said, in extreme cases cold turkey withdrawl can cause death but you certainly will not die from going cold turkey withdrawl from talking to your ex.