NC didn't work for me

[Nakano]

Ultimately I was just telling people "do what's right for you" if you disagree with that and think people should just do what they're told by people on this forum. Well, nothing more I can say.

[Hermes]

You are upset, Nakano. No one is "telling" anyone what to do.

Anyhow, it's late, and I can only conclude by wishing you every luck in the endeavour.

[Nakano]

Look Nakano, I know what you are saying. But if you know this (re the couples you know in real life) then - and I mean this courteously, so don't jump on me - why are you asking here on Enotalone about your own case?

 

Certainly, the exceptions confirm the rule, shall we say. Sure, there are couples who break up, and (usually with help) get back together. But in my experience, and I also, like you, know such couples in real life, the basic issues were relatively - what's the word - not too drastic.

 

Ok from memory I don't think I said on here why my husband and I broke up. In terms of why I came here..I already said, I was hurt, I vented, that to me is a side issue from what I posted above! I am just saying NC isn't the only way in my opinion. Just my opinion! I don't understand why this has all got so out of hand tbh!

[Lees78]

 

 

Here are 52 pages of excellent examples of positive advice, given in a positive manner, without judging or shoving NC down anyone's throats.

 

I was not specifically talking about my own thread, as patently it is not inflammatory enough to garner many responses. I am stating my opinion after reading many, many threads here.

 

What's your break up story Hermes? What brought you to these forums?

[ThatwasThen]

You can do both. Many people have survived contact and got over their fractured relationships. Many alcoholics have cut down their alcohol to a point where they don't need it because they no longer have symptoms and can eventually just stop.

 

NC is one way of doing it, but the endless mantra of negativity and NC and nothing else is quite boring and also damaging, of that I am sure. And I speak from personal experience also, from both sides of a break up.

My point: You cannot quit drinking if you keep drinking. Even if they have controlled their abuse of the substance... they are STILL drinking.

 

It is a tool in the tool box, but too many negative influences on here just inject it with vigour into every thread about every situation as the only way forwards.

Because too many aren't healing and they aren't healing because they keep doing the same thing (contact with the ex) and hoping/expecting for different results. Any "injection with vigour" is because the op insists on repeating their behaviour that clearly isn't working to help them with their issue.

 

NC is one way of doing it, but the endless mantra of negativity and NC and nothing else is quite boring and also damaging, of that I am sure. And I speak from personal experience also, from both sides of a break up.

Hardly. It's only perceived to be negative to those that don't like what they're hearing it seems. I think I've seen far more people that are grateful for the advice, opinions and suggestions they've received here then I have people that resent it.

[ThatwasThen]

And she won't die nor she squirm in pain for contacting her husband either.

 

Of course not but it was her that brought up the fact that you can kill an alcoholic if you take away their alcohol cold turkey. It wasn't me that started that train.

[Lees78]

I disagree. I have friendships with ex girlfriends that are just that. We never stopped contact really, yet managed to heal perfectly well. It is not necessary to follow like sheep down the same path into the river and get washed away.

 

NC is NOT the only way. I wish more people were able to be supported to make their own choices rather than be beaten down with it. It is appropriate for some, and not others.

[Nakano]

Of course not but it was her that brought up the fact that you can kill an alcoholic if you take away their alcohol cold turkey. It wasn't me that started that train.

 

Oh my god, I already said! I said that as an aside. It was never meant to become part of the discussion. I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall!

 

To repeat, yet again, I was just giving another view point in my original post. That maybe a more gradual decreasing of contact might work for some people. Not all, maybe not even many, but some! It was just a view point/discussion. I was not saying it as an absolute fact! And yes I resented past posts of mine being used to somehow undermine what I was trying to say because they were not relevant to this post! Oh my gosh! I'm going to bed!

[Hermes]

"What's your break up story Hermes? What brought you to these forums?"

 

 

LOL. I get the impression you like dragging red herrings through discussions, Lees.

 

This forum is about many aspects of relationships. Not just about "break-ups".

[Tanzi]

Forget me specifically for a moment. What your saying is that no couple ever breaks up, works things out, and gets back together?

 

I am not sure where you got that from. You put words straight into my mouth there!

 

I know more than one couple in my immediate friendship group that have done exactly that and are stronger than ever. This is real life. Sometimes it works, sometimes not, some people want to take a chance, some don't, let's just all respect each other's decisions.

 

I never said it didn't. You don't need to prove to me that these things can happen. However FC, LC or NC generally doesn't have anything to do with that. It simply comes down to one's true feelings. Whether someone wants to remain in contact or not is totally up to them. People are just simply offering advice that seems appropriate to their situation. The unfortunate thing is, by the time they reach eNA the relationship is either at a very critical stage or at the point of no return. Hence the fact that NC is advocated more often that not.

 

Never anywhere did I disrespect your decision. In fact I agreed with you that it isn't something that can be done just because someone else told you to do it.

[ThatwasThen]

I disagree. I have friendships with ex girlfriends that are just that. We never stopped contact really, yet managed to heal perfectly well. It is not necessary to follow like sheep down the same path into the river and get washed away.

No one said it was "necessary." No one will ever say that but when someone is unable to get over an ex that they have continued to be in contact with, then the common sense thing to do is to sever contact and rehab from your attachment to that person.

 

You choose to do what I call "collecting ex's" that's your prerogative.

 

NC is NOT the only way. I wish more people were able to be supported to make their own choices rather than be beaten down with it. It is appropriate for some, and not others.

.. and once again, no one said it was the only way. Those that come here and are wondering why they can't get over an ex (mostly that they were in a dysfunctional relationship with) are usually those that are still in contact with that ex. Contact is considered as banal as creeping the ex's social networking sites.

[Nakano]

Honestly, when I look at it, the people who have posted most fervently on this post have posts on ENA numbering in the thousands. A forum Iike this should only ever be a short term thing. I mean no offence but you maybe need to take a look at your own lives if this forum has become your main focus. It might he healthy to take a break.

[Hermes]

No need to get nasty, Nakano. There are posters here, myself included, who are gone from here months, or longer. At the same time, as in real life, it is good to be able to help others out. Enotalone would not exist without the help of posters who give of their time.

Would you say something like that to, say, a volunteer in real life? I think not.

 

You don't like what you heard, and that's fine, but there is no need to turn on us. I am a peaceable person, and I am very well aware of my own life, and in 3D I try to help people when I can. But that is a very unpleasant thing to say, Nakano.....

[Tanzi]

Honestly, when I look at it, the people who have posted most fervently on this post have posts on ENA numbering in the thousands. A forum Iike this should only ever be a short term thing. I mean no offence but you maybe need to take a look at your own lives if this forum has become your main focus. It might he healthy to take a break.

 

OK, my story. Divorced single mother of 3. I work 5 days a week. I have an active life, go the gym, get together with friends, date some .... but ultimately my girls are my life. When they are in bed or out of the way or just out (or all 3) I come on here as my way to wind down .... and a bit of escapism if you like. Just like some people use FB or other social network sites. I shouldn't need to justify why I come on here ... though I know I just did ... but that was a cheap shot Nakano and totally unnecessary.

 

You know, it's ok to agree to disagree but more often than not people start lashing out when they don't like the fact that someone doesn't agree with them.

[Hermes]

Yep, Blue.

 

"That was a cheap shot Nakano and totally unnecessary."

 

And it says more about the poster than about us.

 

Of course it is OK to disagree, and that is healthy, but turning nasty is not the way to do things IMO.

 

I lead a busy life, a lot of my work involves travel and during those months I can't be on here.

[Nakano]

I am not sure where you got that from. You put words straight into my mouth there!

 

 

 

I never said it didn't. You don't need to prove to me that these things can happen. However FC, LC or NC generally doesn't have anything to do with that. It simply comes down to one's true feelings. Whether someone wants to remain in contact or not is totally up to them. People are just simply offering advice that seems appropriate to their situation. The unfortunate thing is, by the time they reach eNA the relationship is either at a very critical stage or at the point of no return. Hence the fact that NC is advocated more often that not.

 

Never anywhere did I disrespect your decision. In fact I agreed with you that it isn't something that can be done just because someone else told you to do it.

 

Ok blue 2 things, I apologise if I misinterpreted you! This thread appears to have become rather heated!

 

Secondly, ok maybe then I see the issue. My relationship wasn't "critical" when I came here! I'm a bit of an Internet junkie! I like googling and I like forums! Well sort of! Not sure now! I just wanted to get some view points from people that didn't know me or my husband that worked against me! Lesson learned! Lol

[ThatwasThen]

I have no marital issues... been happily married to the same great guy for almost 40 years now. I'm retired have some time on my hands when we're not travelling (going to fly out to see a good friend to celebrate her 50th birthday in a couple of months. There's five of us gurl friends going woohoo) or spending time with our lovely daughter and grand kids.

 

Its rather a pre-conceived notion to think that people that have several posts don't have a life. Your insecurity is showing when you try to project what's eating you onto others. You do know that sometimes (as in this thread as an example) some of us post more then once, which of course, adds to our count ~right.

[Nakano]

I have no marital issues... been happily married to the same great guy for almost 40 years now. I'm retired have some time on my hands when we're not travelling (going to fly out to see a good friend to celebrate her 50th birthday in a couple of months. There's five of us gurl friends going woohoo) or spending time with our lovely daughter and grand kids.

 

Its rather a pre-conceived notion to think that people that have several posts don't have a life. Your insecurity is showing when you try to project what's eating you onto others. You do know that sometimes (as in this thread as an example) some of us post more then once, right.

 

Ok sorry I was gonna leave it alone but 5000 to 8000 posts isnt several. That's an obsession

[Hermes]

I just wanted to add that when you enter the hallowed portals of Enotalone you immediately realise that it ISN'T like other forums, and I found that very refreshing. People are upfront, sincere, solid and indeed very knowledgeable.

Indeed may I add that I don't even look at, contribute to or in any way get involved with ANY other forum, similar or otherwise, on the net. I wouldn't have the time. Many posters/members come back to say how grateful they are for the support and advice offered here.

 

This is a unique place in its focus and approach, but I do realise it may not be to everyone's taste, for one reason or another.

[ThatwasThen]

Ok sorry I was gonna leave it alone but 5000 to 8000 posts isnt several. That's an obsession

 

AS is your insistence (obsession?) on participating in your own thread when you've stated several times that it isn't helping you. (???)

 

BTW: You, yourself have 35 and you've just been here (less then) a month.

[Tanzi]

Those that come here and are wondering why they can't get over an ex (mostly that they were in a dysfunctional relationship with) are usually those that are still in contact with that ex. Contact is considered as banal as creeping the ex's social networking sites.

 

This is nearly always the case.

 

The thing is, if someone wants to remain in contact with an ex ... they TOTALLY can. It is their prerogative. I usually find that those who like to lash out at others' advice or use phrases like "follow the sheep" are those who are trying to defend their decision to hang on to their ex .... but they don't need to defend their decision or justify their choice. However, generally speaking when people find their way to eNA they are stuck in an emotionally abyss and more often than not they are in contact with an ex who is trying to move on without them. At that stage, NC is usually the only advice left to give as it is the only thing left for them to try.

[Nakano]

AS is your insistence (obsession?) on participating in your own thread when you've stated several times that it isn't helping you. (???)

 

A day or two in my whole life? Then I'll be gone. That's not obsession. That's making a point and moving on.

[ThatwasThen]

This is nearly always the case.

 

The thing is, if someone wants to remain in contact with an ex ... they TOTALLY can. It is their prerogative. I usually find that those who like to lash out at others' advice or use phrases like "follow the sheep" are those who are trying to defend their decision to hang on to their ex .... but they don't need to defend their decision or justify their choice. However, generally speaking when people find their way to eNA they are stuck in an emotionally abyss and more often than not they are in contact with an ex who is trying to move on without them. At that stage, NC is usually the only advice left to give as it is the only thing left for them to try.

^^^ This! ^^^

[Nakano]

This is nearly always the case.

 

The thing is, if someone wants to remain in contact with an ex ... they TOTALLY can. It is their prerogative. I usually find that those who like to lash out at others' advice or use phrases like "follow the sheep" are those who are trying to defend their decision to hang on to their ex .... but they don't need to defend their decision or justify their choice. However, generally speaking when people find their way to eNA they are stuck in an emotionally abyss and more often than not they are in contact with an ex who is trying to move on without them. At that stage, NC is usually the only advice left to give as it is the only thing left for them to try.

 

As I said to you blue. I can only speak from my interaction with you. I think it was a miscommunication in that I came seeking help at the beginning of my turmoil. My husband and I had only been apart a month. Maybe i should have been more specific! I don't know what else to say on that.

[ThatwasThen]

A day or two in my whole life? Then I'll be gone. That's not obsession. That's making a point and moving on.

You want advice but you don't dig giving it. That's your prerogative. I don't need advice but I'm knowledgeable due to my sheer age, (I'm an old hippy hehe) my experience, being well read and because of the courses I've taken. You can call it an obsession, I call it a hobby.

 

I suppose if all I came here for advice only and my issue was resolved, I'd move on as well.