NC didn't work for me

[Nakano]

You said "I'll bid you adieu" so why are you still posting?

[Hermes]

Take it easy, Nakano. I can well imagine this is a difficult and stressful time for you. I have to say here, pardon me, but using that word "venom" is most unfair to us here. Looking at what posters have written, I see nothing venomous. But I put your reaction down to the stress you must be under. Don't think we don't understand. We do. This is something you feel you must do, and we can only give best advice in view of your threads. You see all we have before us is the written word, and we cannot mind read, or even see you in 3D.

It would be great if things turn out as you wish them to, but don't allow yourself to get hurt.

All the best.

[ThatwasThen]

You said "I'll bid you adieu" so why are you still posting?

 

Because I missed your repost and was just answering it. If you don't want me to reply again then just don't address what I've said.

[Nakano]

i don't have an "opinion" about my marriage. I have facts. You all have opinions on that. I was just sharing my experience and I did not write it in any kind of nasty way. So trying to attack and undermine just says something about you not me.

[ThatwasThen]

i don't have an "opinion" about my marriage. I have facts. You all have opinions on that. I was just sharing my experience and I did not write it in any kind of nasty way. So trying to attack and undermine just says something about you not me.

Not telling you what you want to hear is not attacking or undermining. Its just giving you a heads up about (possibly) some denial. Its not easy to see things when you're in the thick of it. (answering because although you didn't address me directly, it's clear you're talking to me).

 

Be well.

[Nakano]

And ok maybe replace the word venom with sarcasm and condescension, that would be accurate.

[ThatwasThen]

And ok maybe replace the word venom with sarcasm and condescension, that would be accurate.

Not at all. You may have taken them in that form but they were far from delivered in that manner. Just the facts (based on this and your other threads) is all.

Sorry you were offended.

[Hermes]

Peace, Nakano. Peace. No sarcasm or condescension either, that I can see.

 

Maybe we can let it all rest for today. I am sure there is a lot turning over in your mind. We've got broad backs here, lol, so flail out if you must.

[Lees78]

You can't quit drinking if you keep taking a drink. Same: You can't get over your addiction to someone if you keep on being addicted to them.

 

 

This is totally not true. I have the professional knowledge that actually alcoholics best break their addiction by controlled drinking. Treating the withdrawal with sufficient alcohol to lessen the symptoms and no more. This is what all alcohol services currently practice in my country.

[ThatwasThen]

This is totally not true. I have the professional knowledge that actually alcoholics best break their addiction by controlled drinking. Treating the withdrawal with sufficient alcohol to lessen the symptoms and no more. This is what all alcohol services currently practice in my country.

 

That's not how they do it here. What country to you live in?

[Lees78]

I'm a consultant in the UK.

[ThatwasThen]

I'm a consultant in the UK.

Is this for chronic alcohol abusers who would go through the DT's(delirium tremens) if suddenly taken off the alcohol? (that is what I meant by "extreme cases" dying) Or is it used to eventually quit drinking all together for any abuser that wouldn't go through DT's but rather just detox?

[Hermes]

Er, maybe the alcohol rehab (or not) issue could be posted on the Health section on here.

 

I have a link, re the U.K. but no point putting it up on this thread as it is not the issue here......

[Lees78]

Both. I work closely with community and hospital alcohol and substance misuse services. We sometimes admit for 12 hrs for DTs but they are discharged home with a plan of how to use alcohol to control their symptoms.

[ThatwasThen]

Both. I work closely with community and hospital alcohol and substance misuse services. We sometimes admit for 12 hrs for DTs but they are discharged home with a plan of how to use alcohol to control their symptoms.

 

Yes... they do that here as well for those that would go into DT's but like I said "You can't quit drinking if you keep having a drink" those chronic cases that would go in DT's are weaning physically off of a substance... they will eventually quit drinking when they quit drinking. You cannot quit drinking alcohol all together as long as you keep drinking alcholol. Just like Op can't quit her choice of substance (husband who abandoned her) if she keeps having a hit of him.

 

As I mentioned: Op won't die if she stops talking to her ex...

[Unscrewed]

And she won't die nor she squirm in pain for contacting her husband either.

[Nakano]

Yes... they do that here as well for those that would go into DT's but like I said "You can't quit drinking if you keep having a drink" those chronic cases that would go in DT's are weaning physically off of a substance... they will eventually quit drinking when they quit drinking. You cannot quit drinking alcohol all together as long as you keep drinking alcholol. Just like Op can't quit her choice of substance (husband who abandoned her) if she keeps having a hit of him.

 

As I mentioned: Op won't die if she stops talking to her ex...

 

That was never my point, I just mentioned it as an aside and it's taken on a life of its own!

 

My gosh "abandon" is harsh. We hit a rocky patch, we had some difficulties. Trying to maintain long distance put a strain on our relationship. Doesn't mean we can't try an work it out. We're not two kids, we're adults.

 

People make mistakes. I have said very clearly that I am taking baby steps, I am not rushing into anything, I'm not putting my life on hold for him etc. Give me a break! It's not like I'm saying oh fantastic, he wants me back and running into his arms. Credit me with a bit of sense please!

[Sazkaz]

Yes... they do that here as well for those that would go into DT's but like I said "You can't quit drinking if you keep having a drink" those chronic cases that would go in DT's are weaning physically off of a substance... they will eventually quit drinking when they quit drinking. You cannot quit drinking alcohol all together as long as you keep drinking alcholol. Just like Op can't quit her choice of substance (husband who abandoned her) if she keeps having a hit of him.

 

As I mentioned: Op won't die if she stops talking to her ex...

 

But why does she need to quit him? Like you say, she's not going to die.

 

If she's happy with how things are progressing and wants to work this through, why must she "kick the habit". We're talking about a married couple here- 2 people with feelings and emotions and history. Not 1 person and a bottle of whisky!

[Lees78]

Yes... they do that here as well for those that would go into DT's but like I said "You can't quit drinking if you keep having a drink" those chronic cases that would go in DT's are weaning physically off of a substance... they will eventually quit drinking when they quit drinking. You cannot quit drinking alcohol all together as long as you keep drinking alcholol. Just like Op can't quit her choice of substance (husband who abandoned her) if she keeps having a hit of him.

 

As I mentioned: Op won't die if she stops talking to her ex...

 

You can do both. Many people have survived contact and got over their fractured relationships. Many alcoholics have cut down their alcohol to a point where they don't need it because they no longer have symptoms and can eventually just stop.

 

NC is one way of doing it, but the endless mantra of negativity and NC and nothing else is quite boring and also damaging, of that I am sure. And I speak from personal experience also, from both sides of a break up.

 

It is a tool in the tool box, but too many negative influences on here just inject it with vigour into every thread about every situation as the only way forwards.

[Tanzi]

You can't "force" someone to give something up, with the best will and intentions in the world.

 

No-one is forcing anyone to do anything .... it's just advice. You can take it or leave it.

 

There's no doubt about it, NC is the only way to move forwards but it isn't something you will be able to put into action straight away. There will undoubtedly be a "breaking up" period where there will be some form of contact. Then you have to get to a point where you are comfortable with your decision to cut all contact. If you aren't it will most likely be counter-productive because you will dwell over your decision and be full of "what if's". The reason people reinforce the need for NC is to help others get to that point quicker.

t

HOWEVER .... I think people need to be aware of your background with him and why it was though best that you put some distance between you.

 

Wouldn't have worked with mine as he is definitely an "out of sight out of mind" person. He would have just moved on.

 

In that case ......

[Hermes]

Was this the case on your own thread too, Lees?

 

but too many negative influences on here just inject it with vigour into every thread about every situation as the only way forwards.

 

I don't think so.

 

This is not the type of forum where people tell people what they want to hear. It isn't a "there, there, dear, all will be well" forum. There are far too many of those.

 

IMO and from what I read and see here, people come to this forum for robust advice, and that is what they get. I see no negativity, at all.

[Hermes]

Exactly, Blue.

 

"No-one is forcing anyone to do anything .... it's just advice. You can take it or leave it. "

 

To which I might add, why come to (and stay on) this forum if it is so soaked in negativity!!

[Nakano]

No-one is forcing anyone to do anything .... it's just advice. You can take it or leave it.

 

There's no doubt about it, NC is the only way to move forwards but it isn't something you will be able to put into action straight away. There will undoubtedly be a "breaking up" period where there will be some form of contact. Then you have to get to a point where you are comfortable with your decision to cut all contact. If you aren't it will most likely be counter-productive because you will dwell over your decision and be full of "what if's". The reason people reinforce the need for NC is to help others get to that point quicker.

t

HOWEVER .... I think people need to be aware of your background with him and why it was though best that you put some distance between you.

 

 

 

In that case ......

 

Forget me specifically for a moment. What your saying is that no couple ever breaks up, works things out, and gets back together? I know more than one couple in my immediate friendship group that have done exactly that and are stronger than ever. This is real life. Sometimes it works, sometimes not, some people want to take a chance, some don't, let's just all respect each other's decisions.

[Nakano]

Honestly Hermes, I am "finishing up" this thread and I won't be back. It is too negative for me.,

[Hermes]

Look Nakano, I know what you are saying. But if you know this (re the couples you know in real life) then - and I mean this courteously, so don't jump on me - why are you asking here on Enotalone about your own case?

 

Certainly, the exceptions confirm the rule, shall we say. Sure, there are couples who break up, and (usually with help) get back together. But in my experience, and I also, like you, know such couples in real life, the basic issues were relatively - what's the word - not too drastic.