One year after my wife left, am I ready to move on?

My three year marriage came to an end about a year ago. During the three years, we were very happy, mainly because I was extremely giving. She came from a very wealthy family and had this mentality the world revolved around her, I came from a broken home and was a co-dependent. So I gave her anything and everything.

Right around the third year she began drinking heavily and partying every night until 3 in the morning with single co-workers. I told her occasionally it’s fair to let loose, but she neglects me, the home and the pets. I was always the one that cleaned, cooked and took care of the pets. I basically asked her to slow it down, she said okay. I then kept finding her lying to me about what she was doing (saying she was staying with a family member when she was out partying). I basically told her I will leave if she continues acting like a child (she never had a party stage when she was young, now that she’s 30, she’s partying like a mad woman). The weekend drunken evening with friends is more than fair, but it was every night. She was not meeting deadlines at work and almost lost her job a few times, and blamed me for it.

I tried to compromise with her and she kept rejecting me. At one point, she had her mother (who’s a raging alcoholic) scream at me and say drinking every night is okay. The struggle continued and her mom convinced her to file for divorce (because I’m controlling). My sister in law is a psychology student and convinced her I’m bi-polar. Basically, she left me and it was cowardly and she took everything.

During the divorce, I wanted a fair split. She makes way more than me and I didn’t want to touch any of her investments from her family. Just half of everything we acquired together. Legally, this was easy because I was being fair and I got what I wanted. Throughout the process I was receiving threatening messages from her family, for stealing what isn’t mine. That I should end up with nothing because I’m worthless.

It was a hard year for me. Although we made the financial split, she isn’t cooperating with the divorce. She made no attempt and rejected every attempt to reconcile. She and her lawyer get back to me one out of every fifteen times I contact them for progress. Regardless, the relationship is over, I’ve grieved and it would take a miracle for any sort of reconciliation.

I have recently met an amazing woman. She is physically and mentally an upgrade from my ex. She’s an established Dentist with her own specialty practice. She works 4 days a week and makes a ton of money. We agree on everything we want in life and children and all of that. The relationship has been great. Especially since she knows about my divorce and supports me, she even told me she’s there to talk if I’m upset about the divorce.

Things are going very well and I don’t really want my ex back. But I still worry about her, want to make her happy and generally care for her. This is beginning to prevent me from moving forward with the new girl, who is 100 times my type than my ex as. I feel like I’m cheating, am horrible and selfish because I made vows to my ex. Although she left in a cowardly way, who knows exactly why, a part of me still wants to make it work (even though my brain knows it’s impossible).

My ex is a beautiful person and I always tried to look past her flaws. She became a manipulative person that always made me feel wrong or guilty for things she was doing wrong. At one point she cheated and blamed me because I was emotionally unavailable for the past two weeks (it was two weeks after my mother died).

I tried a few times to talk to her about closure, all have been turned down with her mother calling and threatening me. I haven't spoken to my ex in over 7 months and haven't tried to contact her during this time. Just normal lawyer divorce stuff with my lawyer contacting her's. I still get phone calls telling me I'm abusive and horrible because I won't agree to her terms of the divorce. Even her attorney said she's been extremely difficult and I've been the friendliest person one of his clients went again. He said she pouts like a kid and yells when she doesn't agree with what the law allows. In retrospect, I think this is all for the best. I think if there were children involved, the poor kids would be traumatized.

Is what I’m feeling normal? I really like the new girl and things are going very well for us. Has anyone experienced this?

Couple of things. Only you can give yourself closure. No one else can do it for you. It's not her job.

As regards the new woman, I didn't hear you say that you love her, just that she's a great match.

Sounds like you're still hooked on the ex and the new girl is just filling a hole right now.

The hardest thing was she kept one of our cats. I miss the cat a lot and hope the cat is happy, doesn't miss me and doesn't feel like I abandoned him.

In regards to the new woman, I don't love her because we met two months ago and started dating a month ago. We want many of the same things in life and click very well. Will this be the same way in three months? I don't know. If I do fall in love, it will be very cautiously because of what happened.

Although I may be hooked on my ex, the new girl isn't filling a hole. Mainly because our dynamic is extremely different. My ex was selfish, needy and not very sexual. The new girl is very independent, sexual and intellectually very different.

Maybe that's why I'm confused, because I'm expecting more of the hole to be filled?

I don't believe the new woman is rebound. It was a little earlier to start dating than I expected, but she's absolutely amazing and thinks the same about me. Good things come to you when you aren't ready.

You really need to detach from your ex before entering into a new relationship.

Does your new girlfriend know that you still want to make your ex-wife happy and worry about her? Does she (GF) know a part of you still wants her (ex) back?

Reading between the lines, the one glaring problematic thing that hasn't been addressed is the ongoing co-dependent thinking and the baggage you are carrying from your childhood and your ex combined.

This might be a good time for you to work on yourself either in counseling or self help or something. Just don't turn your gf into free therapy even though she has offered because that will wreck your relationship....well....that and not doing anything about sorting yourself out. Basically enjoy the support of a good relationship and roll up your sleeves and get rid of some your past issues and damage so you don't damage a healthy relationship.

Go with the hot dentist. Stop contacting her or her crazy family. Get your divorced finalized and only go though the lawyers.

I tried a few times to talk to her about closure, all have been turned down with her mother calling and threatening me.

Reading between the lines, the one glaring problematic thing that hasn't been addressed is the ongoing co-dependent thinking and the baggage you are carrying from your childhood and your ex combined.

 

This might be a good time for you to work on yourself either in counseling or self help or something. Just don't turn your gf into free therapy even though she has offered because that will wreck your relationship....well....that and not doing anything about sorting yourself out. Basically enjoy the support of a good relationship and roll up your sleeves and get rid of some your past issues and damage so you don't damage a healthy relationship.

When this all happened, I promised myself I wouldn't get involved with anyone for a year. I met the new girl right after the one year mark. I had a few casual flings, but being a single 30 year old man in New York City, this is pretty normal. I went to counseling throughout the year and worked on myself heavily. Although she's aware of what I went through, I never bring up my ex unless it's a specific story that's important to know about me or if the new girl asks something. The co-dependent thinking was made aware during therapy and I'm being careful about it in the future. The new girl I'm seeing told me she's had co-dependency problems in the past and it's pretty cool we can openly talk about our relationship strengths and flaws pretty openly.

Things are going very well and I don’t really want my ex back. But I still worry about her, want to make her happy and generally care for her. This is beginning to prevent me from moving forward with the new girl, who is 100 times my type than my ex as.

I don't know how much you've read about codependency, but one of the symptoms is that when we have people in our lives who are reliable, dependable and interested in US - they're not as interesting to us as the emotionally unavailable people we're accustomed to. The tragedy for you is that as a product of a broken home, you were probably the one who gave constantly, always put others' needs ahead of your own and generally played the role of 'rescuer'. We choose as partners people who reflect our feelings about ourselves and our place in the world, and it may well be that your immature, demanding, selfish ex fulfilled a very familiar role for you.

Your current lady doesn't need to you give, give, give all the time - thus depriving you of a role. She isn't fulfilling your need to be around someone 'selfish, needy and not very sexual', so it's going to feel unfamiliar, uncomfortable and potentially even slightly suspect.

There are loads of online resources to support people with codependency, and meetings in real life. Continue to take your new relationship slowly and cautiously, but don't try to predict the future and don't over-think.

Go with the hot dentist. Stop contacting her or her crazy family. Get your divorced finalized and only go though the lawyers.

Family only contacts me and I ignore them. They actually began harassing my father, which he ignores as well.

I'm trying to finalize the divorce, but for some reason, my ex keeps holding it up.

The dentist is certainly hot and that's why I don't shrug my shoulders and say I'm not ready to date.

This girl is rare. After my marriage dissolved, I began thinking about what I really want in a partner (my ex was a long term gf from college). This girl is insanely independent, which is important to me as I consider children.

I think I worded it wrong. I don't want to make my ex happy, she doesn't deserve it. I guess I just want her to be happy, despite what she did to me. But this is tied to my co-dependency.

I don't know how much you've read about codependency, but one of the symptoms is that when we have people in our lives who are reliable, dependable and interested in US - they're not as interesting to us as the emotionally unavailable people we're accustomed to. The tragedy for you is that as a product of a broken home, you were probably the one who gave constantly, always put others' needs ahead of your own and generally played the role of 'rescuer'. We choose as partners people who reflect our feelings about ourselves and our place in the world, and it may well be that your immature, demanding, selfish ex fulfilled a very familiar role for you.

 

Your current lady doesn't need to you give, give, give all the time - thus depriving you of a role. She isn't fulfilling your need to be around someone 'selfish, needy and not very sexual', so it's going to feel unfamiliar, uncomfortable and potentially even slightly suspect.

 

There are loads of online resources to support people with codependency, and meetings in real life. Continue to take your new relationship slowly and cautiously, but don't try to predict the future and don't over-think.

I learned a lot in therapy and just learning about what it was allowed me to make a lot of progress. I think this is why I am attracted to the new girl, she’s insanely independent. I used to like needy girls because if made me feel needed.

I continue to go to al-anon. The new girl and I only see each other one or two days a week, we both are insanely busy. I like it this way.

I was defiantly the rescuer with my ex.

As you said “We choose as partners people who reflect our feelings about ourselves and our place in the world, and it may well be that your immature, demanding, selfish ex fulfilled a very familiar role for you.” My view on the world has changed since my wife left me.

If I want to feel needed, I’ll let my cats and dogs fulfill that role and maybe my young children when I have them. A life partner is supposed to be an equal partner. And I never saw it as that, I was my ex’s doormat.

But deep down, I feel something is off. I’m a creature of habit, I like the same meals and restaurants. Maybe I was so used to my ex, I just don’t like change, yet in the long run will be good for me.

"Things are going very well and I don’t really want my ex back. But I still worry about her, want to make her happy and generally care for her. This is beginning to prevent me from moving forward with the new girl,"

- The thing is.. is you are NOT properly over her and healed right. AND the fact that you are 'feeling confused'.

When we move on we need to FEEL like we're okay again. That we've healed enough and ready to move on again. I do not feel that you are.

You are only really months in from contact with your Ex. I really suggest you do not jump into this new woman yet.

Sure it all feels great.. like a breath of fresh air.. of course!

But.. can you really admit you're okay and over your past.. emotionally & mentally?

"Things are going very well and I don’t really want my ex back. But I still worry about her, want to make her happy and generally care for her. This is beginning to prevent me from moving forward with the new girl,"

 

- The thing is.. is you are NOT properly over her and healed right. AND the fact that you are 'feeling confused'.

 

When we move on we need to FEEL like we're okay again. That we've healed enough and ready to move on again. I do not feel that you are.

You are only really months in from contact with your Ex. I really suggest you do not jump into this new woman yet.

 

Sure it all feels great.. like a breath of fresh air.. of course!

 

But.. can you really admit you're okay and over your past.. emotionally & mentally?

You're likely right.

The new girl and I both came from messed up relationships. We both agreed to take things very slow, and we have. We're mostly about having fun and spending time together.

At the same time I spoke to a divorced friend, who's years past his divorce and with a new person and has children and is happy.

He told me something like " when you divorce, your heart is shattered into hundreds of pieces. A piece of your heart stays with the old relationship and dies with it and although you do your best to put your heart back together, it will always be slightly damaged and you have to live with that".

I'm dating this new girl and we're taking things slow. I know I still have healing to do and this is why I'm not telling her I love her, moving in with her and asking her to marry me.

I think a big part of me misses the familiarity of her. Just feeling another woman's hips and realizing they aren't shaped like my ex's came to mind. This is why I found casually hooking up to be helpful. But it's just a weird thing to experience.

These thoughts of my ex aren't on my mind all of the time, but they come up sometimes and it scares me. Thankfully, I can talk to friendly internet strangers. Because honestly, even my therapist knows me enough to judge me or look at me with some kind of bias.

You are already in a 12-step program. You are probably already aware of the slogan "Don't project" - but keep reminding yourself of the seminal:

"ONE DAY AT A TIME"

Good luck!

I'm dating this new girl and we're taking things slow. I know I still have healing to do and this is why I'm not telling her I love her, moving in with her and asking her to marry me.

- Good!

I think a big part of me misses the familiarity of her. Just feeling another woman's hips and realizing they aren't shaped like my ex's came to mind. This is why I found casually hooking up to be helpful. But it's just a weird thing to experience.

-But... the fact that you ARE still 'comparing' things to your ex isn't so good!

Do keep things slow. And remember.. in the beginning things are always great! Then, in time, the honeymoon phase ends and reality creeps in.

So, probably in a few months, you'll either feel you're just not up to this.. or things will feel okay.

My ex is a beautiful person and I always tried to look past her flaws.

.......seriously!?

I'd be careful of that 'good cop, bad cop' routine your ex and her attorney are pulling on you. Get it all in writing and put it all through your lawyer.

I'd be careful of that 'good cop, bad cop' routine your ex and her attorney are pulling on you. Get it all in writing and put it all through your lawyer.

Well, fortunately at any point I can change my mind before signing. I can also go for a chunk of her income until the divorce is finalized and I can drag it on for years. I have the upper-hand. But why she's risking me doing this is beyond me and my lawyer.

It's like the bank giving you an offer (unrealistic but let's say it happened) to have your car loan fully paid off, just sign a few papers and your car is paid off. Why she is not signing is beyond me.

I'm not completely sure I buy the premise. Ex wife described as some central casting-like villain in an Austen Powers movie.