Sister asked me to be her egg donor.

Title kind of days it all. She has kids already but wants another and is unable to use her own eggs for medical reasons. She wants to carry the child.

Almost immediately upon reading her request I knew my answer. No. But I don't know how to say that to her. Help.

Tell her that you are deeply honored that she asked you, but that its something you cannot do.

BTW, are your reasons along the lines of not wanting to go through the hormone treatment, or the the situation of the confusion over having a niece or nephew that is actually your child/odd family dynamic? I thought about this myself if my sister asked me to be a surrogate or an egg donor and I think that I would be okay with the idea of doing it for her (the egg donation, not the surrogate thing), but I would not like the concept once the child was born. it would gut me if I never had another child or if the child knew the situation. Sharing your particular reason might help in some way and she may see your point.

Can you tell her it's too awkward for her to have your and her husbands genetic child?

I don't know how to say that to her. Help.

There are a lot of reasons I don't want to do it. The ones you mention, I don't fully agree with how she raises her kids, and tons of emotional baggage I have from my relationship with her.

Can you tell her it's too awkward for her to have your and her husbands genetic child?

She's married to a lady so it would be an anonymous donor.

She's married to a lady so it would be an anonymous donor.

Well then why is she bothering you? She has the other lady who can get pregnant if they get a donor. I would definitely say a big fat no. If you don't want to start a war by mentioning the emotional baggage, I would decide on a "reason" that is a little less confrontational - like it would be "hard for me being the biological mother to a child that won't be raised as my child".

The other lady is older than who and the breadwinner of the family. That's why my sister carried all the kids so her spouse could work her way up the ladder.

Still weird for her to have your genetic child. Can you tell her that? With family issues, yeah no.

She's married to a lady so it would be an anonymous donor.

Just tell her how you feel with love for her and that you care about her and appreciate that she wants you to be the donor but for xyz reasons you just cannot. She shouldn't make you feel bad or pressure you, you are allowed to say no.

Her wife is of child bearing age though? She should be the egg donor and your sister can still carry the child. It would take an extremely strong relationship and very open minded siblings to make this work.

I suspect she already knows you will say no but thought it might be worth a shot. Tell her you have thought long and hard about it and you just couldn't go through with somebody you know raising your child. Hope it works out.

I would list reasons for your no answer.

Just tell her no and list some of the reasons you told us. The reality is, you don't even need a good excuse not to do it but you have many.

Say you don't feel like you would be able to cope emotionally with having to watch someone else raise your child as their own.

Say you don't feel like you would be able to cope emotionally with having to watch someone else raise your child as their own.

I think this is the best way to phrase it. I don't want to go into detail but this is not the first time my sister has asked something huge of me that puts me in an awkward position.

In her lengthy email she sent me links to read about egg donation. She said some stuff in the letter that just feels like emotional black mail. I'm getting a little angry about it now.

Sending you this is rather presumptuous, no?

she sent me links to read about egg donation.

Then tell her outright, no and not to ask you again.

Sending you this is rather presumptuous, no?

Totally, and combined with what I have done for her in the past and some of the wording of the email I feel like she's trying to emotionally bully me into this.

She has two children already correct ?

I would tell her to find her egg donor somewhere else and not to bully you. This child would be genetically yours and if you feel strange about it you have every right to .

Can you send an email just saying "Hell no!"

Lol, I wish! We lost our mom last year and my our brother had a huge breakdown and is now using drugs and is totally estranged from our family. So I want to keep the rest of the family together.

The thing is keeping people together shouldn't come at a massive massive price .

I don't believe it's wise for anyone to do this within a family, and I'd just tell her that. The disagreements about her childrearing can remain irrelevant when the goal is to preserve your relationship.

Moontiger,

This may sound kind of manipulative but I would do this to spare her feelings and possibly your relationship:

Tell her "I would like to talk to my doctor. I will call him and see what he thinks." Wait a few days, don't bother contacting your doctor. Then get back to her and say "Listen, I discussed it with my doctor and he explained to be how the process would work. I would need to be on a hormone regimen to order to get my body to ovulate enough eggs for donation and he thinks it's a bad idea for me to do that, looking at my medical history. I would be at a much increased risk for breast cancer and there could be long-ranging effects. I am going to trust his judgement because he is my doctor and he doesn't think this is a good idea for me and he is not supportive. Also, my insurance would likely not cover any of the costs or possible complications. I'm sorry, sis"

See, in doing this, you put the onus on "your doctor", which is a source that she can't verify due to privacy laws. "I'm sorry, but he said x". You don't have to go into how she's a hot mess and how you feel she raises her kids poorly. It takes you out of the equation. If she pushes, say "My doctor told me it was a bad idea. I'm sorry" and repeat. Again, onus is off of you. You are not blaming her but you are also giving other reasons other than "I don't want to" which, IMO, is perfectly valid, but many people will accuse others of being selfish when someone doesn't do what they want them to do.

You preserve the relationship, you preserve her feelings, and you don't do a procedure you don't want to do.

Honestly, at this point, I'd never donate my eggs and I would not hesitate on using this lie to turn down a family member or good friend if I felt they couldn't handle the truth which is "I don't want to pass my genetic material on to anyone."

Lying is okay in situations like this.

Moontiger,

 

This may sound kind of manipulative but I would do this to spare her feelings and possibly your relationship:

 

Tell her "I would like to talk to my doctor. I will call him and see what he thinks." Wait a few days, don't bother contacting your doctor. Then get back to her and say "Listen, I discussed it with my doctor and he explained to be how the process would work. I would need to be on a hormone regimen to order to get my body to ovulate enough eggs for donation and he thinks it's a bad idea for me to do that, looking at my medical history. I would be at a much increased risk for breast cancer and there could be long-ranging effects. I am going to trust his judgement because he is my doctor and he doesn't think this is a good idea for me and he is not supportive. Also, my insurance would likely not cover any of the costs or possible complications. I'm sorry, sis"

 

See, in doing this, you put the onus on "your doctor", which is a source that she can't verify due to privacy laws. "I'm sorry, but he said x". You don't have to go into how she's a hot mess and how you feel she raises her kids poorly. It takes you out of the equation. If she pushes, say "My doctor told me it was a bad idea. I'm sorry" and repeat. Again, onus is off of you. You are not blaming her but you are also giving other reasons other than "I don't want to" which, IMO, is perfectly valid, but many people will accuse others of being selfish when someone doesn't do what they want them to do.

 

You preserve the relationship, you preserve her feelings, and you don't do a procedure you don't want to do.

 

Honestly, at this point, I'd never donate my eggs and I would not hesitate on using this lie to turn down a family member or good friend if I felt they couldn't handle the truth which is "I don't want to pass my genetic material on to anyone."

 

Lying is okay in situations like this.

Fudgie, that is a great idea. But it won't work with my sister. I can hear her now saying things like "Well, you know dad would cover the cost if we ask." (which is true) and basically doing that for every point. I need to tell her no firmly and with as little detail as possible while acknowledging how difficult it must be for her to go through finding out her eggs are no longer viable.