Sister asked me to be her egg donor.

[Fudgie]

I understand the cost bit, but would she take the hormone effect bit? In all honesty, the hormones used to harvest eggs from a donor ARE very strong and can really cause havoc for you, depending on your sensitivity as well as underlying medical issues. Think "morning after pill" effects times a great magnitude. Would she not accept it if you told her that you spoke to your doctor and he told you that this procedure is not right for you, even if it were covered?

[qwaspolk82]

Just tell her whatever you want to tell her. I would say no it would be awkward and weird. A surrogacy makes more sense than being an egg donor.

[Moontiger]

I understand the cost bit, but would she take the hormone effect bit? In all honesty, the hormones used to harvest eggs from a donor ARE very strong and can really cause havoc for you, depending on your sensitivity as well as underlying medical issues. Think "morning after pill" effects times a great magnitude. Would she not accept it if you told her that you spoke to your doctor and he told you that this procedure is not right for you, even if it were covered?

 

Lol, probably not, she's the type of person that always has a comeback that sounds rational even when it's not.

[Fudgie]

That's unfortunate. Sounds like she is just really eager to be pregnant again and doesn't think much of the consequences of her actions in life. People who are that irrational really shouldn't have important responsibilities like children, let alone MORE of them!

 

Anyway, sounds like you'll have to be blunt as possible, even if that means your relationship will be strained.

[Moontiger]

I'm drafting a response right now, trying to make it kind but firm.

[Fudgie]

I hope you are prepared for her to flip out. Will it blow over? Probably. She benefits from having a sister in her life so I think in time, she will get over it. But be prepared for her to call you selfish, mean, not loving etc. if she is already trying to emotionally bully you, it's not a good sign.

 

I'm sure you'll draft something good though.

[Moontiger]

Likely she will make passive aggressive comments the next time I see her.

[Fudgie]

How very mature of her.

 

You may opt not to say this but I do have to say, I think it's pretty appalling on her part that she would treat you like this for not immediately saying "yes" to something that is a MONUMENTAL task, not something that you are obligated to do on any level, something that has lifelong consequences for you. It really reeks of entitlement.

[Moontiger]

How very mature of her.

 

You may opt not to say this but I do have to say, I think it's pretty appalling on her part that she would treat you like this for not immediately saying "yes" to something that is a MONUMENTAL task, not something that you are obligated to do on any level, something that has lifelong consequences for you. It really reeks of entitlement.

 

Oh she lives several state away so it won't be until the holidays, long after I've given my answer.

[Moontiger]

Struggling with the last line in my response. I'm keeping it short, a few sentence and not stating any specific reasons (so she can't argue with me). Basically I say that I have given it a lot of thought and it is simple not the right thing for me. I want to end with something like "I love you a lot and hope you find a egg donor to complete your family" but I can't figure out the right wording.

[Heather Dawn]

This is not something I would ever consider, mainly because I think it would break my heart to watch someone else raise my biological child.

 

That said, I'm not sure you owe her a detailed explanation. A simple, "I'm honored you asked, but this is not something I feel comfortable doing," should suffice.

[Moontiger]

My sister is very sensitive, that why I'm trying to be so careful with the wording. I know I shouldn't have to put this much effort into it but I was to be conscious of her feelings.

[abitbroken]

My sister is very sensitive, that why I'm trying to be so careful with the wording. I know I shouldn't have to put this much effort into it but I was to be conscious of her feelings.

 

If so, she is not sensitive to other people.

 

To me, I understand the other woman is the bread winner, but if they REALLY want another baby over anything else in the world, everyone makes choices and sacrifices. And sometimes, you just have to accept that one more child or one more entry in a marathon or whatever it is - your body just says no. Game over. I would be half tempted to just send back a "No thank you" or "Sorry, but no. That's my final answer." response so she has no possible other words to pick apart for the next few years and to not respond to any other email or note regarding it. And when she bugs you, remind her that its a no. . The other half would be tempted to get everything of your chest once and for all to feel relieved.

[Moontiger]

If so, she is not sensitive to other people.

 

To me, I understand the other woman is the bread winner, but if they REALLY want another baby over anything else in the world, everyone makes choices and sacrifices. And sometimes, you just have to accept that one more child or one more entry in a marathon or whatever it is - your body just says no. Game over. I would be half tempted to just send back a "No thank you" or "Sorry, but no. That's my final answer." response so she has no possible other words to pick apart for the next few years and to not respond to any other email or note regarding it. And when she bugs you, remind her that its a no. . The other half would be tempted to get everything of your chest once and for all to feel relieved.

 

Being a mom has become her whole idenity, I want to be sensitve because she is probably going through a really hard emotional time right now, even if she's not being respectful of my feelings. I'm going with a few sentences and if she ask me again or ask for more specifics I will say something like "My answer is firm." and if she keeps pushing I'll point out that to her there is no good reason for me to say no, so the reason doesn't matter, just my answer.

[Seraphim]

How old is your sister?

 

She has 2 kids already , yes?

[abitbroken]

Being a mom has become her whole idenity, I want to be sensitve because she is probably going through a really hard emotional time right now, even if she's not being respectful of my feelings. I'm going with a few sentences and if she ask me again or ask for more specifics I will say something like "My answer is firm." and if she keeps pushing I'll point out that to her there is no good reason for me to say no, so the reason doesn't matter, just my answer.

 

It is never wrong to have firm personal boundaries. It does not matter whether she is going through a difficult time or not - your boundaries are your boundaries and they must be firm and unwavering. She IS a mother. Whether she has another kid, or 20 or sticks with the two she has, it won't change that fact. You don't have to be "understanding" when it comes to your health - physical or mental. Heck - there are women who cannot conceive and are so desperate to who would think she needs to get a grip if she wants to spread her sorrow, as she has 2 kids already and they have none.

[Seraphim]

One is ALWAYS a mother once they are one. Once they grow and age that fact never changes. I know she wants to feel needed by an infant to be a mom . I understand . My identity was/is as a mom as well. Through a lot of mental struggle and suffering I found you can STILL be that mom even to older kids. They just have different needs.

[Moontiger]

How old is your sister?

 

She has 2 kids already , yes?

 

She's in her early 40s.

[Moontiger]

It is never wrong to have firm personal boundaries. It does not matter whether she is going through a difficult time or not - your boundaries are your boundaries and they must be firm and unwavering. She IS a mother. Whether she has another kid, or 20 or sticks with the two she has, it won't change that fact. You don't have to be "understanding" when it comes to your health - physical or mental. Heck - there are women who cannot conceive and are so desperate to who would think she needs to get a grip if she wants to spread her sorrow, as she has 2 kids already and they have none.

 

I totally agree. I was talking to a friend about this and she kind of scoffed and said "Why doesn't she adopt?" There are so many other ways she could go about this. I'm going to send my response in the morning, will be interesting to see what happens.

[Seraphim]

She's in her early 40s.

 

Then she is going into menopause and her eggs are no longer viable ? She has to consider she will be 65 or 70 before she launches this child. She is not being rational. She is being hormonal. I understand that too. Menopause almost blew me out of the water. She have trouble launching a kid into college and paying their retirement at the same time. There is lack of rational thought there .

[Moontiger]

Then she is going into menopause and her eggs are no longer viable ? She has to consider she will be 65 or 70 before she launches this child. She is not being rational. She is being hormonal. I understand that too. Menopause almost blew me out of the water. She have trouble launching a kid into college and paying their retirement at the same time. There is lack of rational thought there .

 

Agreed, I think there are a lot of facts but it all boils down to this: she is not in a rational state of mind. I do want to be kind when I respond but make it clear the answer is no.

[itsallgrand]

I think you have the right idea keeping the answer short and not going into reasons. It's not a negotiation, you've made up your mind.

 

You've got my support anyways if she tries to make this more difficult on you than it already is. It must be difficult being put in that position, I feel for you. You don't want to hurt her feelings, but it's almost like she wants to bait you into a situation where she can go at you as a target to blow off steam.

 

Thinking of situations where someone has acted like this (can think of a few), if they insist on pushing, I do let them know them asking more than once makes me uncomfortable. If they still go on, I then proceed to ignore them.

 

It reminds me of the behaviour of alcoholics and drug addicts. So absorbed in their own wants, nothing else matters. And making being a mom - or anything- your entire identity?! That just isn't healthy, something is off balance there, or am I wrong?

[Seraphim]

Agreed. Going into menopause makes you extremely emotional. Like PMS on steroids 365 days a year.

[itsallgrand]

Agreed. Going into menopause makes you extremely emotional. Like PMS on steroids 365 days a year.

 

Can't wait for my turn! Haha. It looks exhausting!

[Moontiger]

I think you have the right idea keeping the answer short and not going into reasons. It's not a negotiation, you've made up your mind.

 

You've got my support anyways if she tries to make this more difficult on you than it already is. It must be difficult being put in that position, I feel for you. You don't want to hurt her feelings, but it's almost like she wants to bait you into a situation where she can go at you as a target to blow off steam.

 

Thinking of situations where someone has acted like this (can think of a few), if they insist on pushing, I do let them know them asking more than once makes me uncomfortable. If they still go on, I then proceed to ignore them.

 

It reminds me of the behaviour of alcoholics and drug addicts. So absorbed in their own wants, nothing else matters. And making being a mom - or anything- your entire identity?! That just isn't healthy, something is off balance there, or am I wrong?

 

Thank you. It's so great to have support here on ENA. I have support from my friends too but I have not shared this with the rest of my family (for obvious reasons).