Mature Couple - Much loved Girlfriend dumped me second time

Hi my first post in this forum. I found this group after internet searching my problems and it is very useful!

My wife died of cancer two years ago and I was left with a little girl who was 6 at the time.

Ten months later I tentatively entered the world of online dating. I had several dates with women that really didn't go anywhere but then I met a wonderful woman in Sept 2014. We hit it off straight away. We grew in love, we shared the core values in life of families and home. We liked pretty much the same things and we were great together! Great sex, great romance, She has adult sons from her marriage she is divorced. Our children got on brilliantly and her sons and mother loved my little girl and vice-versa. I thought I had met the woman of my dreams - I seriously could not say a single thing was wrong with us, we were so good together. We are both the same age of 48.

After eight months of happiness she suddenly called it all off at the beginning of June. I was really upset. She never really gave me a proper answer other than she was suffering still over the death of her father three months earlier (something I supported her through) and one of her son's problems with depression. I did the usual beta male thing of pleading with her for a couple of days to come to her senses, that I loved her, that we had so much going together, that I was her shoulder to support her. However to no avail. We did however stay in contact over texting a few times per week and we met a couple of times in a coffee shop for a catch up. I never did the full NC thing with her. There was 100% definitely no other guy in the picture.

During the summer I declined other female opportunities because of my love for this woman. After the summer vacation period at the end of August she contacted me asking to meet up again and from there our love blossomed again. This time the love was more intense than before. She said I was the love of her life, the man of her dreams, the one she had waited for all her life, the happiest she had ever been, her late dad would have been so proud of her for being with me etc. I said likewise. We were massively in love again. Great times and intimacy, we were so compatible. We had some fabulous weekends away. I was seeing her about three times a week (two evenings midweek with a stayover and Saturday night and Sunday until 17:00 ) so I was not smothering her IMO. I was generous to her, I was helpful in DIY around her home, car, gardens, I helped her sons. We never fought. I was the perfect man for her she said. Her son said he had never seen his mum so happy and so in love. So did her mother who loved me and my little girl to bits. We lived close to each other and it is easy for us to be together. We even started to look at engagement rings and I talked about proposing to her some time in the next year, sometime she said was lovely, kissed me for and said she was flattered!

Then, start of November, I noticed her going a bit distant again, that I was putting in most of the relationship effort. Not massively, rudely distant, just that slight uneasy feeling you get when you think someone is not sure about you. Being a wussy-beta (I am very alpha in business!) I asked her about it and she just dismissed it as me being silly and seeing problems that did not exist. For a while I thought this too but after another week I was still convinced, a sixth sense almost, of her growing more cold and distant and less generous, me doing more of the chasing, visiting, paying for meals etc. I did not challenge her again though and jst roide with it - we were still holding hands and having great sex so just thought it was one of those "woman things" that would go away. I now realize I should have backed off at this point and gone more distant myself and let her chase me a bit more. However that is harder said then done when you love someone so much.

We celebrated Christmas Holidays (I spent Christmas day with her and her family and it went very well) she told me she loved me for my kindness. However, between Christmas and New Year she said she wanted to see me less because she said she felt smothered by me and me seeing her regularly. I said why did she feel that way since I did not see her that many times, that I was just being loving and kind to her, we are 48 for goodness sake and does she want a loving, kind, affectionate, committed and caring man (i.e. Me) in her life or not?. She could not tell me she loved me anymore (she said she was "unsure"), and said she was not sure she could go through raising a little girl again, she'd already raised three sons. This was a stake in my heart because when we first met she said she loved the fact I had a little girl and the resulting male maturity that a single dad needs. I gave her the opportunity 16 months ago if she did not want to be involved with a single dad and she said she did!!!

I said her terms were not acceptable, she had unilaterally changed our whole relationship and why did she not tell me these things when I asked her before? So after a hug I went home - 2 miles away. I did not contact her again until she came round my house to see my immediate family for New Years Eve. I thought she was going to stay over but she didn't she left early and did not even see in New Years with me and went back to her sons. This upset me a lot. She sent me a text at the midnight hour saying this was going to be a good year for us!!!!

I did not speak to her again until it was her birthday on3rd January and I sent her a card for which she texted me her thanks. Under these circumstances I did NOT give her the presents I had bought for her ! It's called growing a pair of balls I think! I went back to silence hoping she'd come to her senses. Then last week she sent me a text saying she was lost for words and that she was sorry she had failed me and that I'd meet a better woman for myself and my daughter. I went round, collected my things from her house and left. I am now two days into None Contact.

What do you advise? I love this woman so much. We still had sex and held hands even when she had gone distant but she was just not the same affectionate-wise woman. She'd dropped back from a 10/10 to a 5/10 on the affection scale. One of her sons is starting a new business and another son has some serious relationship problems of his own and another still has the depression. It makes me think that maybe she has too much on her plate for a relationship with me? Or am I making excuses for her? My parents and eldest son say she is nice woman but we are just not compatible, a square peg in a round hole and that too much of her time-pie is spent chasing after her sons and her mom who struggles a bit after her husband died.

Maybe there is a grain of truth that I could have smothered her slightly. I think this may have been as a result of the first breakup and me not wanting to lose her again. And after the traumatic death of my wife and me encountering such a new love, I cherished my girlfriend so much - couldn't she see that???? But she never communicated this "smothering" properly to me so I don't know whether she is being sincere. All my friends, male and female say that thee days a week is not that much! I think I could have been overly kind and generous. Maybe I paid her too much time and attention? I read once that the best way to get someones attention back is to remove your own. That's what i am now doing

I am into Day 2 of no contact with her and I intend on never reaching out to her again unless she comes to me. If she does and wants to reboot the relationship I will ask her why she feels it will be so different for a third time. My daughter is fine but my GF leaving twice has brought back memories of losing her mother. I cannot make this mistake again.

I don't want to lose this woman, we share many values and I do love her. My heart says wait for her to come to her senses but my brain says leave. Without being arrogant I am quite a catch myself, well off, slim and fit and quite good looking so maybe I should just call it quits and search for another partner? What do you experts think? It is so easy to be macho and band about terms such as "finish it" , "move on" etc. But there are complex issues at play here.

You shouldn't blame yourself. All this stuff you're thinking about being a beta male and smothering her is just BS. Look, you are who you are. You wanted to show her you cared, look after her and show her she was valued. This is you and you can't change you. From what you've posted, I don't see 'smothering'. Others may think differently.

She's broken up with you twice, so something is amiss at her end. She's seemingly finding excuses not to be with you - like your daughter. But maybe there is truth in her excuses - mothering another child when her children are grown plus looking after her mother and her problematic children may feel overwhelming to her.

It's up to her to sort this through in her own mind, so you're dong the right thing by going no contact. You need to protect your own heart and that of your daughter now. For whatever reason your ex can't maintain a connected, committed relationship with a loving man. You may never know what the reasons are, but at least you'll know that you were authentic, that you were yourself. If she can't love you for that, then you're better off moving on.

Take care.

It doesn't sound like smothering to me; it DOES sound like emotional availability and honesty - just with the wrong person. Protect yourself by maintaining your NC, get on with your own life and don't let your emotional wellbeing be dependent on this woman.

The way she's behaved is an indication of where she's at, and it sounds as though she's just not ready for a full-blown relationship.

I think you're looking for different things. You want it all (and rightfully so)...love, affection, family, a close emotional bond..she, on the other hand, seems to only want (or have time for) something more casual. Maybe it's because of her obligations, maybe she was always like this and just went along because she fell for you, who cares?

The thing is that she's already done this twice and you're not alone. You have a child who is at a very fragile age...not young enough to not understand what's going on and not old enough to understand all the details.

For her sake and for your own sake, you need to give up on this woman. She'll never be what you need in your life.

You have to find your own closure. There really is no way to figure out what is in an ex's mind. And honestly, I don't think there is a real answer she can give you. Sometimes, there is something simply wrong with them. They are broken. They can't handle the love you are giving. They aren't ready for it.

It's all how you perceive it. Your view is that you were a beta who smothered and drove her away.

My view is that you were a loving and caring guy who adored her and for whatever reason she is to broken or unable to handle the love you have giving her.

My question to you is how much more time will you waste on someone that clearly isn't ready for you based on her actions?

The hardest part is to stop. Is to let go. Is to live your life and move forward. It doesn't mean you have to let her go all at once, but it does mean no more. No, more wallowing or begging. She may come around or she may not. But, your continued suffering and pain is not part of the breakup deal!

Pick you. Pick your heart.

Thanks guys for your lovely responses.

I will maintain No Contact. If she should as some stage over the next weeks reach out to me then I'm prepared to listen to what she has to say. But my approach to her will be:

What will be so different a third time?

What would stop this happening again?

Why should me and my daughter trust you with our hearts again?

What went wrong in the previous two times we were together?

I'd play the whole relationship much cooler. But then, I wouldn't be being myself so what's the point?!!! What a waste! From what she said in her last text to me two days ago, "You'll meet some one who you and your daughter truly deserve" I take it from that she intends she will not contact me. However, time can play strange tricks and she may start to miss me. I am categorically not going to contact her and I am feeling better already - yesterday the day after the break up - was a very bad day for me - it brought back my bereavement memories. Meanwhile I am opening myself up to other romantic opportunities if they should come my way. I am not waiting around for her.

The things that have helped me are the following: eat healthy and exercise. Keep busy! Get a hobby! Hang out with friends and family. Remove things that remind you of her: gifts, pictures, etc. Stay off social media! Delete cell number. Redo you bedroom. You want to remove triggers to help yourself heal.

Good for you, Shiner. Unless she gets into counseling, I don't think a third try would be a good risk. It could be that she likes the beginning high of a new relationship, and when that fades away, she gets bored. Or it could be that she lacks self esteem, and subconsciously doesn't think she deserves someone who treats her so special. Whatever the reason, it's not your responsibility to fix a broken person. You're not a yo-yo to be sent away when she needs space, and reeled back in when it suits her.

When I dated my future husband at about the same age you are now, he made plans with me 3 times a week, too, and called me daily. I loved this because that is exactly what I wanted. My daughters had recently left the nest, and my friends and I didn't get together much because of our various work schedules/time off conflicts. I was ready for a companion to spend a lot of time with, and he was on the same page.

Keep dating until you find a good fit. It's not her.

You need to look at this way, you gave her a second chance, she blew it. Don't give her a third or any other chances or this will be the pattern as long as you let it go on. I know, because my last ex broke up with me six times in six years before I decided to change the pattern. He still periodically reached out to me begging for "just one more chance" even though I long ago moved on and married someone else. I have zero doubt he wouldn't do exactly what he did before though seventh time or more. Plus I fell out of love with him, actually somewhere around the third time, but I wasn't exactly sane or healthy emotionally back then.

You need to go full NC, tell her it's done for good, heal and then move on. And if you find someone else after you're fully healed then give them a chance or yeah even two, but no more. Sometimes we need to accept that not everyone we like or love or date or have something with will fit into our lives and they need to be cleared out to make way for someone who will.

You had love once, you know your late wife wouldn't want this for you, she'd want you to find the person who won't hurt you. You can honor her memory and choose wisely in who you let into your life and it will work out. I know it hurts right now, but this "Breakup Recovery Guide" link I'm providing has some really good tips on how to get through a breakup and on to the next phase of your life. Good luck, you will be fine as most of us on here who've survived heartache a time or two or more will tell you. It does get better.

If she should as some stage over the next weeks reach out to me then I'm prepared to listen to what she has to say. But my approach to her will be:

What will be so different a third time?

What would stop this happening again?

Why should me and my daughter trust you with our hearts again?

What went wrong in the previous two times we were together?

I don't think a third chance is a good idea in terms of your daughter's well-being. These questions ultimately don't mean anything; she can answer them any way she wishes, then say she changed her mind later on.

I think you need to let go of these ideas of "betas" and withholding attention to get attention, etc. I also think that it's good to have awareness that you may have been smothering her a bit due to your past experience with losing your wife. That's something to be aware of in your next relationship, but you should still be who you are without game playing.

Look at it this way - lots of people want a second chance. You got it and you did the best that you can do. You have nothing to regret. At the heart of it, she left twice and that shows an imbalance of commitment (i.e. an element of incompatibility).

Hopefully you can get to the place where you are not fearing losing her because you realize that she is already gone.

I'm sorry for how you are feeling and I hope that you feel better soon.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to answer. You are wonderful people to provide help and advice to a stranger like me.

I'm Day 3 into NC. Typically even during the first break-up we had for three months last summer she'd shoot me a "how are you" or "how is your little girl" text (or words to that effect) every few days. It'll be interesting to see if she sends me any now. From what she said when we finally hugged and said goodbye "you'll find the person you both need and deserve" I think she may not contact me again. I told her clearly this was the last she'd ever see or hear from me unless she reached out to me. However, I was so nice to her as a person, we had such loving times and she is a fundamentally decent person that I do think she may miss me after a couple of weeks and it is possible she may try and make contact.

I hasten to add that I am not sitting here staring at my phone waiting for such a text! I am NC for good reason, to put some emotional distance between myself and her. To be honest, she'd be doing me a favor if she didn't contact me so as not to tempt me. I am a firm believer in "never say never". It's not like we were fighting all the time or saw the world in a fundamentally different way. We were matched brilliantly in most ways; I feel I just wanted more of her than she did of me. I feel with conversation and maybe some counseling we could work it through. But she has to want to do that, I cannot and will not make her. I am not even going to reach out to her. She has to reach out to me and chase me and demonstrate she wants me.

As I say at the risk of repetition, I am going my way now. She can reach out to me if she wants to and I will listen objectively.

Yeah u can't force someone to want to be with you. They either do or they don't. At least you learned this lesson before marrying her. Obviously she's not ready for the level of commitment you're ready for, it may be her previous marriage and subsequent divorce turned her off long term committed relationships, I know when my wife cheated and split 2 years ago it hurt like hell but now I'm still not interested in a serious relationship. I just don't want to go through it again. She may feel the same way, who knows? Just work on you and your daughter, sounds like you'll make some girl really happy some day. Be with someone who wants and appreciates you.

I know it's hard losing someone you love and with whom you were (are) compatible with in many ways... but taking on a partner with a young, full-time child is a huge responsibility and she has told you that it not something she wants to do. Even though she was ok with the idea when she met you, but probably the reality of it as time went on gave her more perspective. I was a part-time step mom to two boys (mom had primary custody) and in theory I thought it would be great but the reality was different and they were wonderful boys, we still have a great relationship today!

Kids who have gone through divorce or the death of a parent really need to love, support and attention of their parents and second marriages with kids have a really, really high divorce rate (maybe 75% or more?). That is not to say "don't try because you might fail" but it is something to really keep in mind as you are dating, etc in the next 12 years (until your daughter is grown) - it can be really, really hard for kids to see partners come and go that they get attached to.

(As an aside, and coming from a woman... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE for love of all that is holy...stay away from whatever sites you are visiting where you are learning terms like "wussy beta male" - whatever you are gleaning from sites like that will truly steer you the wrong direction in dealing with healthy, adult women... )

Approaching Day 7 now of NC. It's now the longest period of time without being in contact with her via text/phone since I met her in Sept 2014.

I'm doing alright. Had a few beers the other night with friends and sobbed a little bit for ten minutes when I got home but it soon passed. I imagine that is normal? It is now three weeks since we split up (the NC started after I got all my things back last Monday night) and I'm getting better and stronger day by day - I think alcohol is not such a good idea.

I've been put in touch with a nice divorced lady the same age as me who I am going to ring in a couple of days, maybe arrange to go out for a date, I feel I can handle that fine! I continue to move forward!

Well the plot thickens.

After six days NC she has texted my mom and dad saying hopefully no hard feelings towards her. Why would she do that if she was trying to get away from me? Was she hoping that this would get back to me and I'd reach out like an idiot? My parents said she was surprised that there isn't any hard feelings towards her, she was a good person and if things didn't work out between me and her than that's between the two of us, not them.

I think she has had a week on her own, without me contacting her (as per NC), and I am going over and over in her mind. I think she may have expressed her feelings to her family and her sons and her mom have said to her that I am a very nice loving man and she dumped me too quickly.

The problem with her is she pressed the "dump" button too quickly without communicating with me her feelings so I could take corrective action.

It seems like you're moving on quite nicely. Keep it up. Yeah, she's being weird and she's missing you and such. There's no telling what the future may bring, so stay the course and be good to yourself, mate!

Well, she saw me out running today in her village - she must have drove past me or saw me from her office - and sent me this from her iPhone:

👣🏃🏃👣😀👍xx

Clearly being playful but what the heck does that mean? I am not contacting her - that message does not constitute her reaching out to me in my opinion. Do you agree? More of a text to keep things alive and maybe trying to elicit a response from me, which would be weak of me to do. I say that if she wants to talk to me she can call me properly.

I went out on a date last night. Had a nice time but I do not think I am ready to do dating at the moment, my EX situation is still too raw and I still have emotional involvement despite the fact that she dumped me. I was going to join match.com again as well but think it is to soon for that. I may wait another month.

I think she does feel guilty because she likes to think of herself as a nice person. And yet she isn't the right match for you. Her reaching out to your parents speaks to that, as well as her wordless text message. Co tinue to move forward...she won't be back.

I think she does feel guilty because she likes to think of herself as a nice person. And yet she isn't the right match for you. Her reaching out to your parents speaks to that, as well as her wordless text message. Co tinue to move forward...she won't be back.

My thoughts too and I am indeed moving forward. However, I think my emotions towards her have not diminished to the extent where I can be with someone else yet. I'm a decent and committed man and can't just switch my emotions off.

If she reaches out properly I'll listen to what she has to say objectively. However, I am not holding my breathe for that to happen. And to be honest, this has happened twice now. There is a pattern here isn't there? I've never been involved in on-off relationships before and I do not wish to start now at the age of 48! I can accept that some people do have problems but it's not for me to fix people.

I truly believe she wont be back given her actions post break up. And I don't think she has problems nor needs to be fixed...she just looked down the road at raising another child just as hers are leaving the nest and realized she didn't have it in her.

My ex did the same stuff after she dumped me...email or text about a song on the radio and how it reminded her of this or that...blah blah it meant ZERO, she probably missed the friendship. Worst mistake I made was engaging her in those exchanges. My advice..ignore her. She wanted out, so give her that gift.

My ex did the same stuff after she dumped me...email or text about a song on the radio and how it reminded her of this or that...blah blah it meant ZERO, she probably missed the friendship. Worst mistake I made was engaging her in those exchanges. My advice..ignore her. She wanted out, so give her that gift.

Indeed, that is what I am doing, thanks for your view.

She sent me a text last night at 22:30 wishing my daughter a lovely birthday and hoping we have a good day. Sounds to me like she had a few glasses of wine with her friend and maybe got a bit emotional after seeing me running earlier in the day. Strange though, two texts in a day. I think she is thinking of us.

Anyway, I'm not responding to texts, if she calls me to talk I will listen. 12 days of no contact now.

I appreciate your guys help and advice, I really do.

The plot continues to thicken.

You know I said my ex sent me two texts on NC Day 12 after I’d ignored her after collecting my things and leaving? Well, she sent me a wall of text last night, Sunday night, NC day 14. Had to scroll down twice on my iPhone the text was that long.

In it she said she hoped she wasn’t irritating me by texting me, that she now had to live with the consequences of her actions, that she cares about me and thinks about me. That she missed me and the good times we had. That she was sorry for upsetting me and hoped that I can forgive her and that we could share a drink one day. That she has fears, regrets, uncertainties for certain and that I’ll be snapped up by someone more worthy than her. Wishing me happiness, blah, blah, blah.

To me sounds like the silence I have given her has introduced uncertainties. I am much stronger than she thought, and not a walkover. I think she mistook my kind, thoughtful and genuine nature as a sign of weakness. She must have thought after dumping me I’d be blowing up her phone and the fact I have done nothing of the sort has unnerved her. I think she is anxious now and thinks she has lost a good thing, I am better than her and I am a great catch of a man that she let slip away. I think this text was to see if the weaker side of me would cave in and massage her ego. It won’t. As much as it is tempting, I think if I text back it shows she still has me as a puppet; one yank of the strings and I start dancing again. So I won’t. It is really tempting to text her back "Look, just pick up the phone if you want to talk instead of all this texting" but that shows she has me again. I cannot give myself back to her so cheaply.

I am going to maintain the NC for at least two more weeks. I think NC is the only way to heal myself and also to get her to miss me to a even greater level. I don’t want to push it too far though and for her disappear completely. I still have feelings for her. She needs to know I am not to be messed with, I am a man and I have value. I have an ideal “excuse” next week (on what will be day 22 of NC), the anniversary of her dad’s death who we were both close to when I can drop her a text saying I am thinking about her on that day - I would have taken her for a day at the seaside on that day had we not split up. I then go NC again. What do you think guys? Appreciate your views!

I think you are wise to maintain no contact for at least 2 more weeks. i think to help you stay strong, you should consider blocking her phone number.