Mature Couple - Much loved Girlfriend dumped me second time

[youareworthy]

Good evening, Shiner501!

 

I am writing to check in on you. How are you recovering from your commitment-phobic ex-girlfriend?

 

Cheers!

 

Youareworthy

[abitbroken]

I don't believe she is a commitment phobe. She just didn't want to commit TO HIM. She realized that her lifestyle is very different - even if he interacted well with her kids - being stepmom to a grade schooler, going back to that life, etc after you have reached the milestone of having your kids out of the house - is something not everyone wants to revisit.

 

I think she missed you and wasn't over you - but once spending time with you again - she realized that her initial instincts were correct. It happens often - you follow your gut, then you end up missing the person - and then you realize you should have been broken up.

 

Also, I wonder if there is a little more to the story. Its not just all about being a stepmom. Men more than women tend to want to couple up again fast after the death of a spouse. Were you so swept up in wanting a wife again that you ignored some of the signs that she didn't want to take things so quickly or wasn't the right one? Sometimes when we want something so intensely, we bulldoze the other person's pace a little bit and get too enamoured with the idea to really take things a little slow. Or if you have to tell her "I am a caring and committed man" - are you? Because a lot of people who say that are saying it so they can hear it aloud. (and were are you on your grief process? How do you talk about your wife to her?)

 

If she said "we aren't working" - there has got to be more to the story than a perfect, caring, considerate man with a woman who doesn't see what she's missing. Everyone has their own hangups and baggage. There had to be more reasons why she went away the first time that you are not telling us or are not yet self analytical enough to recognize.

 

I wrote her an email yesterday, quite an heartfelt one, in her response to her text dumping me. I was objective and pleasant in what I said and wished her well at the end of if. It was about a page long.

She emailed me back last night "I have not & have no intention of reading this enormous looking emotional email & would appreciate no further contact".

 

Gee whiz, she's made her intentions clear. Can't believe she has turned so hard and brittle after I was so nice to her, even in the email. So be it, maybe this is to deter me even though if she had read the email she would have seen I said I would not be contacting her anymore. I have deleted all my photos, emails and texts from her to stop be getting emotional in weak moments and I am now no contact forever with her. It will never work with her as some of you guys said all along.

 

What's the final analysis from the experts here regarding this whole saga?

 

No - she is not being brittle. She has set a boundary. She decided that the relationship is not going to end in marriage with you. She has broken things off before. She has verbally told you as much. And at some point, you have to stop listening to the begging or the long letters because they will make you backslide.

 

Also, if "your family and friends say you shouldn't take her back" - they are too involved.

 

 

At any rate - in the future I wouldn't jump in - I would go out with a variety of women - keep it casual and don't fall so fast and then pair off - find someone who wants what you want - but go slow. and don't be quick to intro to your daughter

[shiner501]

I don't believe she is a commitment phobe. She just didn't want to commit TO HIM. She realized that her lifestyle is very different - even if he interacted well with her kids - being stepmom to a grade schooler, going back to that life, etc after you have reached the milestone of having your kids out of the house - is something not everyone wants to revisit.

 

I think she missed you and wasn't over you - but once spending time with you again - she realized that her initial instincts were correct. It happens often - you follow your gut, then you end up missing the person - and then you realize you should have been broken up.

 

Also, I wonder if there is a little more to the story. Its not just all about being a stepmom. Men more than women tend to want to couple up again fast after the death of a spouse. Were you so swept up in wanting a wife again that you ignored some of the signs that she didn't want to take things so quickly or wasn't the right one? Sometimes when we want something so intensely, we bulldoze the other person's pace a little bit and get too enamoured with the idea to really take things a little slow. Or if you have to tell her "I am a caring and committed man" - are you? Because a lot of people who say that are saying it so they can hear it aloud. (and were are you on your grief process? How do you talk about your wife to her?)

 

If she said "we aren't working" - there has got to be more to the story than a perfect, caring, considerate man with a woman who doesn't see what she's missing. Everyone has their own hangups and baggage. There had to be more reasons why she went away the first time that you are not telling us or are not yet self analytical enough to recognize.

 

 

 

No - she is not being brittle. She has set a boundary. She decided that the relationship is not going to end in marriage with you. She has broken things off before. She has verbally told you as much. And at some point, you have to stop listening to the begging or the long letters because they will make you backslide.

 

Also, if "your family and friends say you shouldn't take her back" - they are too involved.

 

 

At any rate - in the future I wouldn't jump in - I would go out with a variety of women - keep it casual and don't fall so fast and then pair off - find someone who wants what you want - but go slow. and don't be quick to intro to your daughter

 

Hi and thankyou for your comments.

There is probably some truth in that she did not want to get involved with a man with a daughter. Also I get the point about the gut instinct and she should have maybe followed it the first time.

 

I did not introduce my ex to my daughter that quickly - only after a full five months did I introduce them to each other; I do not want my young daughter exposed to a plethora of here today, gone tomorrow women! No, I only introduced them when I (and me ex) truly thought that there was serious mileage in the relationship. I also rarely spoke of my wife. Occasionally I did, if it was relevant to the discussion but that was not very often. I did not race into the relationship either. For the first two months we only saw each other once per week but that started to become twice and then eventually three times.

 

I was never too heavy with her or too serious, I think we were like most couples, steadily working our way into each other's lives with a view to something permanent in a few years. She herself said she wanted that with me but just imploded overnight and went distant. I have truly tried to be introspective and cannot find any reasons why she acted the way she did.

 

It is interesting, and something I neglected to mention in my original thread, that she was prescribed meds for depression last year and she never took them. Her son and mother have depression as well. Part of me thinks she may have Bipolar Disorder; I have researched this and the patterns match, as do the patterns in the book "Men Who Can't Love". I know through the grapevine that her sons, daughter-in-law and mother think she is crazy for breaking up with me. They saw me for what I am; a man and his daughter who adored her and her family.

 

It has now been six weeks since we split up and I have heard nothing from her. I am moving on with my life and even if she did reach out to me I would almost 100% certainly politely decline. The only possibility I would consider her is if she took her meds and had couples counseling to explore why these breaks ups keep happening.

 

i appreciate your advice and comments. Thankyou.

[Ms Darcy]

I got a text yesterday, "This is not working, we both know this deep down. We're at the end of the road, we gave it our best shot, no need to text or email. Goodbye".

 

What is it with this woman? What does she want? I was a great partner for her! And to add insult to injury dumped by text message, between 48 year olds!!! Dumped three times now.

 

I think she has BPD or other commitment issues. I still think she will reach out again when the reality dawns that I am gone and she misses me. It is easy to dish out a dumpling but very different when the reality dawns that I am gone and she is left with the consequences of that decision. I need to be strong when that happens and say no.

 

Wow, this is only a little over a month ago!

 

I have to be honest with you. You are starting to sound a lot nutty to me. I can't imagine being in a healthy space and going back to someone who keeps dumping me. I would have to have a serious hole in me to keep going back for pain/pleasure.

 

In the months you have been on this site, I'm not really convinced you have done the internal work you need to do to understand why you are so attracted to this trainwreck (relationship not girl). Collisions like this take two to tango. I think for you to actually move forward in a real way, it would be helpful for you to STOP FOCUSING ON HER. Stop diagnosing her as "commitment phobic," "BPD" or whatever else makes you call her broken.

 

You control you so why haven't you controlled yourself and cut her off sooner? That's the real inner work that you should work on. I think that's kind of what abitbroken was getting at - which is a very valid point.

 

Good luck.

[shiner501]

Hi Ms Darcy,

Rest assured, I'm not focusing on her at all! I just stumbled into my old thread and the latest reply. "Train wreck" is a very good description and I don't wish to be involved in another with her!

I am doing very well and don't think about it at all hardly. I have had her number blocked for five weeks so I have no idea whether she tried to get a hold me or not.

[shiner501]

Hi Youareworthy,

Really kind of you to ask. I am doing great thanks! Yes, now that the crazy self-doubt and uncertainty has gone i feel like great. Occasionally I reminisce about things, I bet most people do, but onwards and upwards to better things!

 

Thanks.

[youareworthy]

Hi Shiner501,

 

You are very welcome. Your situation has helped me understand mine so much better that I have taken a liking to you.

 

I am so glad to hear how well you are doing! I too felt the relief of finally understanding what my ex's patterns were, and I am vastly improved because of the book another member referred to you, and the link you recently posted. Your healing is helping me heal as well. Thank you.

 

Youareworthy

[Ms Darcy]

Hi Ms Darcy,

Rest assured, I'm not focusing on her at all! I just stumbled into my old thread and the latest reply. "Train wreck" is a very good description and I don't wish to be involved in another with her!

I am doing very well and don't think about it at all hardly. I have had her number blocked for five weeks so I have no idea whether she tried to get a hold me or not.

 

Well that's good! I am glad you are doing well!

 

Remember I said the relationship was a train wreck and not just one person. Take your time and work on you before you get into another relationship. I'm sure you can have a great relationship in the future.

 

Hang in there.

[chitown9]

She is a commitment phobe for sure and it does a real number on the unsuspecting victim. chi

[shiner501]

She reached out again after strict two months NC to me via email (which was not blocked), apologizing for the final breakup and sorry for the harsh words and actions..... Needless to say, I have ignored it. Makes me think she's been doing an ex-back program and did the 60 day version!

[Kadbanoo]

She reached out again after strict two months NC to me via email (which was not blocked), apologizing for the final breakup and sorry for the harsh words and actions..... Needless to say, I have ignored it. Makes me think she's been doing an ex-back program and did the 60 day version!

 

Please don't think this.

[Ms Darcy]

She reached out again after strict two months NC to me via email (which was not blocked), apologizing for the final breakup and sorry for the harsh words and actions..... Needless to say, I have ignored it. Makes me think she's been doing an ex-back program and did the 60 day version!

 

Keep ignoring!!

[youareworthy]

Shiner501,

 

Reread the book if you feel tempted. This is so sad for her. She is the one who is broken to the point of not being able to love and be loved for a lifetime. My heart aches for the both of you.

 

You are handling this so well.

 

Youareworthy

[shiner501]

Just to update the story, this woman regularly reaches out to me now with comments harking back to out nice times together and the things I used to do for her. I am just ignoring her.

I was a caring, committed, kind and loving man to her and she treated me like I was disposable. I feel sorry for her if I am honest. I had little doubt she would start to reach out and here she is.....

 

I am moved on from that train wreck and met a lovely woman who I have now been with for eight weeks.

[youareworthy]

Wow, Shiner!

 

I am so happy for you that you have a new woman in your life! That is very encouraging news!

 

I really like how you describe the former relationship:

 

I was a caring, committed, kind and loving man to her, and she treated me like I was disposable.

 

Brilliant way to put it. I am going to borrow that sentence, if you don't mind.

 

Congratulations on finding a lovely woman.

 

Youareworthy

[Clarisse]

Just read your saga with this commitment-phobe.

 

I'm impressed with how you handled the situation and with your growth through it all.

 

Good luck with your new lady friend. Keep us posted!

[gypsybird87]

So glad you're doing well, shiner. You deserve to be happy! Thanks for updating.

[shiner501]

Relationship with my new woman going really well, three months in now. We adore each other.

 

As to my ex.... she is still texting me, asking me to go round to her place and have sex with her. She says in her texts that she feels she wants to "clear the air". She hasn't come right out and said she misses me (yet) but has said she misses sex with me and wants it again with me. Funny isn't it, she never wanted to "clear the air' when she text dumped me end of April! [again]. She said she'd "appreciate no further contact". That is exactly what I did. Maybe she IS missing me and word has filtered back to her that I'm with someone else now. Maybe she thought I was a soft sucker and would fold again. Just goes to show the power of no contact if you were a good person.

 

Shame it came to this for her. I feel sorry for her in a way. I adored her and loved her when we were together and I hurt badly when she dumped me a third time. But I have been ignoring her texts and I am on the verge of blocking her. What do you guys think? Last thing I want is a call/text from her when with my lady-friend.....

[nutbrownhare]

But I have been ignoring her texts and I am on the verge of blocking her. What do you guys think? Last thing I want is a call/text from her when with my lady-friend.....

 

Block her. You owe this woman nothing, and even if you weren't with someone else - if you responded to her it wouldn't be long before she dumped you again.

 

The fact that you are having any contact with her at all isn't really fair on your new lady, either.

[shiner501]

Block her. You owe this woman nothing, and even if you weren't with someone else - if you responded to her it wouldn't be long before she dumped you again.

 

The fact that you are having any contact with her at all isn't really fair on your new lady, either.

Agreed. I am not in contact with her, she has been texting me. I am ignoring her, I have not responded to her at all and I agree I should block her.