Mature Couple - Much loved Girlfriend dumped me second time

[shiner501]

I think nothing has really changed and another break up is down the road. Your daughter is still very young and part of your.life.

 

Maybe. We'll see. It's something we need to discuss further and we'll do so this weekend. We acknowledged a lack of communication about certain things and are going to address that with each other. She gets on with my daughter - 9 now - very well and my daughter and her adore each other. I agree though, "adoring" and being permanently involved with me/daughter is a different matter.

[mhowe]

You are the only parent this child has. A woman involved with you must recognize that being a "step mom" is in the cards if you are to have a fully committed relationship.

[shiner501]

Agreed mhowe, absolutely. We need to talk about that. I myself was a step dad like this 20 years to a boy of same age who is now 29. I embraced it - doesn't been she will though. we need to discuss this.

 

Appreciate the help of the community and their thoughts. Will report back.

[Saabman]

Hello Shiner.....I've been reading your thread for a while now and I wanted to tell you that you helped me in my situation, so I wanted to try and help you with yours... You made a recommendation in my thread which helped me and Im not going to hijack your situation and your thread, but there are similarities. We are of a similar age and it sounds like we are of similar characters - Alpha at work, but no so with matters of the heart....You have written too many things that echo my thoughts and in a nutshell, after my partner let me go, I took the stance that I am too good for this woman...If she wants me, she will find me....if she wants me, she will have to work for me....I'm not a pet dog that will return when I hear the whistle!

I went no contact for 5 weeks - I sent the birthday card as you suggested and received a thankyou text....and another and another and then a very long letter arrived in the post. I was pleased with the effort that she had made to think about its content and I decided that the only thing to do was boom or bust. What I mean by this is that I met for a drink and a bite to eat...arraived at tyhe restaurant with no expectations and adopted a genuine take it or leave it attitude... I stated my thoughts, I was clear, concise and yet warm..I listened too, but the point I want to make is that nothing beats face to face contact where you can share your thoughts, whether it is with agreement or not, nothing is misinterpreted and you sound as though you are in the space where you are ready to move on... whether it is with this woman or not.... I hope that you do find a resolution. My situation was that my partner was scared to trust...scared to open up her heart and give herself to another for fear of being hurt...It seems that there is always an underlying subject why someone wont commit...I guess the trick is to find that reason and then establish whether you can (or want to) fix it to form a close relationship. I wish you well, but I am pleased to say that after hours of talking, I am in a place where I am ready to start anew with my old partner. We agreed that that was the only way forward, to literally go back to day one, and start dating as if we had just met. I hope this helps and i do sincerely wish you well. Finding someone who is special enough for you and your daughter is a big step.....so how about baby steps to start with. I think you have had sufficient no contact to make both you and her have very deep thoughts. Best wishes.

[youareworthy]

As I read this thread "commitment phobe" just screamed out to me. She knew that you had a 6 year old child when the relationship commenced, but now it is a reason for the relationship not working. Typical of a commitment phobe to do that very thing. Read the Book, "Men Who Cannot Love." The author is Steven Carter. It is geared for commitment phobic men, but just substitue Women because women are capable of the same condition. You will recognize the pattern and it will explain everything to you. Most importantly, you will have a clear direction of what you need to do in regards to her. chi

 

Hi Chi,

 

My copy of the book came yesterday! I'm excited to get started on it.

 

Youareworthy

[adviceplease2]

Yes, women are very capable of the same condition. My ex was wonderful with my kids, then finally shocked me with a break up and telling me I don't discipline my boys well enough. They were basically fine and then one bad instance and she didn't even talk to me about it until she broke up with me. Knew something had been off with her up until that point but she wouldn't tell me...then bam. Kids had been through the ringer with the divorce....I'd just let them know they weren't going to keep their regular visitation with their mother...and here's this other woman around them....it was just a perfect storm.

 

Ultimately, she knew going in I had kids....when the reality hit her that I was serious and she'd be a step mom...well....she isn't around anymore.

 

Except I've struggled, where I think...I've got too much with me to bring into a relationship and it'll take a strong woman to not only walk into it but stay and work with me instead of bolting. Her little girl still runs to hug me too....our girls are friends at school...everything was really a perfect situation, just don't think she wanted the responsibilities that came along with me.

 

Think I may order that book.

[allibaidoo4]

Hey I can really relate to your story I've been left twice by my ex and I am the same as you I did everything to show him that I cared and he was loved. What I learned though is that if he left me once and twice theres something wrong on his end and if does not try to fix it and we get back together again he will do the same thing. Sometimes it takes people time and progress to grow as an individual and learn from their mistakes. If you guys get back together she will leave again. What you need to do and I know it will be hard is to walk away from her and cut her off and let her figure herself out. DO NOT WAIT FOR HER! The only way things will turn in your favor is if you live your life and slowly detach from her.

[shiner501]

I wanted to update this thread.

 

Bare in mind when I started this thread in January we were already two break ups into this saga...

 

At the start of February she started sending me text/cell messages (which I at first ignored) telling me she missed me terribly, thought about me and what we had constantly and wanted to meet up and discuss things again. I ignored these texts at first. The texts kept coming and one day I did respond to a particularly heartfelt text and resultant phone call she made to me and I agreed to meet up (on my terms so as not to be too eager) and listened objectively. She told me there had never been anyone like me in her life, that she was out of her mind to treat me the way she had by dumping me twice already, that I was "the one" and she begged me to try again. We slowly got back together again and had a great few weeks, travels, sex etc. We were very close again and she said she loved me hugely despite our learning bumps and we agreed we needed to communicate more to stop break-ups happening again. Lot's of "love you's" and warmth. We started to discuss our thoughts and I thought we had made it and were back together again. The past was behind us and we had entered into a new, bright dawn and future.

 

I think you know where this is going....

 

She went cold and distant yet again two weeks ago. Text messages had no more heart emoticons that she'd always use, the "I love you's" were not reciprocated, offers of dates were starting to be declined with no alternative offered and a complete change in behavior from where we were. Enthusiasm to meet not there. Absolutely no reason for it my side, truly there was not. I'd brought her some Easter flowers and a chocolate Easter egg on Good Friday ( a tradition in my country). She never bought me one back or one for my nine year old. I asked to spend time over Easter with her, baring in mind she only live two miles away. She said she was busy and I knew for a fact she was not. She was baby sitting her granddaughter on one night but could have asked me to stay over whilst the little one was asleep upstairs like we've done many times. No such offer.

 

I got a text yesterday, "This is not working, we both know this deep down. We're at the end of the road, we gave it our best shot, no need to text or email. Goodbye".

 

What is it with this woman? What does she want? I was a great partner for her! And to add insult to injury dumped by text message, between 48 year olds!!! Dumped three times now.

 

That is it, I've had it to the back teeth with her. I'm glad there is finality. OK I'm a bit upset but I thought this could happen again, deep, deep down in a very private place. I think I should not have accepted her back the first time. My parents, family, friends etc say I should not have accepted her back. Love is blind though. Sometimes when in a love situation you feel so strongly that things may be made to work. Loving relationships are so special and magical that we want to keep them so much.

 

I think she has BPD or other commitment issues. I still think she will reach out again when the reality dawns that I am gone and she misses me. It is easy to dish out a dumpling but very different when the reality dawns that I am gone and she is left with the consequences of that decision. I need to be strong when that happens and say no.

[youareworthy]

Dear Shiner 501,

 

I am so, so sorry for your pain right now. You really tried hard to make this work. This is not on you, but on her, and I am feeling miffed with her for dumping you AGAIN. I think Chi is right that she has a serious issue with commitment. I am sorry for her pain as well, but I'm not happy that she hurt you yet again.

 

You are right to know in advance that she will try again, and you know now that this will never actually last. MHowe and others called this one right away.

 

Give your daughter a hug and focus on her, and on healing yourself. Go out of your way to avoid Ms. 2 Miles Away's house. Keep your chin up--you are a catch, and someday you will find the right woman for you, Shiner.

 

Youareworthy

[shiner501]

I wrote her an email yesterday, quite an heartfelt one, in her response to her text dumping me. I was objective and pleasant in what I said and wished her well at the end of if. It was about a page long.

She emailed me back last night "I have not & have no intention of reading this enormous looking emotional email & would appreciate no further contact".

 

Gee whiz, she's made her intentions clear. Can't believe she has turned so hard and brittle after I was so nice to her, even in the email. So be it, maybe this is to deter me even though if she had read the email she would have seen I said I would not be contacting her anymore. I have deleted all my photos, emails and texts from her to stop be getting emotional in weak moments and I am now no contact forever with her. It will never work with her as some of you guys said all along.

 

What's the final analysis from the experts here regarding this whole saga?

[Capttrae]

Note to the ladies here: not being mean just telling the truth, or the way I see it anyhow.

Op- women are the strangest, unpredictable, hardheadest, critter you'll ever lay eyes on, let alone try and deal with. And I have a good woman and can't even start to tryin to figure her out.

[youareworthy]

Dear Capttrae,

 

I got a kick out of your folksy description of us "critters." We are very mysterious.

 

Youareworthy

[kbbcoop77]

Final analysis??? CUT HER OFF!

[shiner501]

Well, I bought the book "Men Who Can't Commit" and have read it carefully. The parallels between the situation I have discussed in this thread and the book are truly incredible. It explains the behavior she exhibited 100%perfectly; the massive flush of love at the beginning, the slowly backing off and being distant as the weeks went by, the eventual coldness and the final dumping.

 

It also details the "curtain call" where she "recovers" her feelings and then comes back and the fact that the whole cycle happens faster the following times. 100% spot on! In my case first time was 8 months, break, then 4 months, break and this last time 2 months. Goes without saying, were I to take her back another time I bet it would be one month!

 

I never would have thought an otherwise mature 48 year old woman would do this. Maybe some emotional baggage from her past.

[shiner501]

Of particular note regarding the commitment phobic man or woman.

 

They often bale out of the relationship just as things have become brilliant. They rarely bale when things are so-so or at the beginning phases when the relationship is being built. "So-so" gives them control and a reason to do a bale out if they should choose to take it. When things are going great in the relationship, they are conscious of running out of options and feel claustrophobic at the relationship closing in around them, trapping them, limiting their options. So they bale out leaving the other party utterly confused as to why the person left when things were going so well. They leave the other person questioning their own self-worth and what they could have done differently when in fact it is nothing to do with what they did.

 

It surprised me that a mature 48 year old woman should have this problem. I really liked her, she was my princess and I was lovely to her. I can't quite believe she has done this.

 

We live and we learn. Experience, that greatest of teachers....

[shiner501]

A great thread here on enotalone.com. This guy's situation and feelings is uncannily similar to mine:

 

 

Thought I would continue with the thread for people in the future who stumble across this most frustrating situation.

[youareworthy]

Dear Shiner501,

 

Thank you for sharing this thread. I now know exactly what happened with my last relationship. My ex is a classic commitment-phobe. It feels terrible, horrible, nasty, to know that I will never have a fulfilling, real LTR with him. God, I hate this! But it is going to be so good for me in the long run to finally see and accept that there really won't be a future between him and me.

 

I am very sad about this, but I am also grateful to finally understand him. He said, "I cannot love you as you deserve." Now that I understand the commitment-phobe, I finally believe him. Damn right you can't.

 

Now I am going to have to do a lot of "thought-stopping" to get over him, but at least I know that he really won't be coming back (or if he does it will be temporary, and will end in misery yet again), so I can choose to let go now, and focus entirely on my own growth and healing. Now I can finally let go of the fear that if he comes back one day, and I am already connected to another man, I will miss out on being with the love of my life forever.

 

Thanks again for helping me so much by sharing this painful but helpful thread.

 

Now it is my turn to bring you flowers!

 

Youareworthy

[shiner501]

Hi Youareworthy,

 

Letting go is so incredibly difficult though don't you agree? OF course, logic and reason dictates that we have nothing further to do with the commit-phobe when they have done this to us. But we recall - even us men - the incredibly loving times we spent with them in their "good" phases before their sea-change. Us men and women are not so incredibly different you know.... We both want to be loved, adored, treasured....

 

I think NC is the only way to approach these people because a fourth, fifth, goodness knows how many more chances, is going to end in the same way. Was it Einstein who said that The very definition of insanity is to repeatedly keep doing the same thing expecting different results? That's what we do with commit-phobes I think.

 

I should start a new thread on the subject.

[youareworthy]

Dear Shiner501,

 

Yes. I have fought the letting go for more than a year. In reading the thread you posted above, and galloping through my copy of Men Who Can't Love this weekend, I have moved miles forward in just 3 days. I can hardly believe I feel the way I do now, as it is so different than before I understood his phobia, and how it manifests itself.

 

I have also seen some of my other exes in the pages of the book, so I want to read He's Scared, She's Scared and Getting to Commitment: Overcoming the Eight Greatest Obstacles to Lasting Connection. I own the latter, but I would now like to buy HS, SS, as I think it will shed light on why I seem to meet a lot of commitmentphobes.

 

Whew. I am getting tired of pain! I think I will take a break from reading for a little, and try to get more sleep and eat more nutritious foods. My heart and my brain need the support.

 

Have a great day, and thanks again for that extremely useful and eye-opening post, Shiner.

 

Hang in there. We'll make it!

 

Youareworthy

[shiner501]

Hey guys,

Nothing to report on this post. Three weeks now, the longest time I have not been in touch since we met. I miss her for sure, but it's forever over for us. Not sure what she could say even if she did reach out.

 

I saw her at a distance last week and it upset me a little bit, wondering what could have been. But better I know about her now than three years down the line. As we say, if the ice is cracking it's best to get off the ice!

[Raindrop22]

That's very interesting! A commitment phone at 48? I thought that was something kids do in the 20's!

 

You'd think at that age someone would want to settle and be with a life long partner who is very caring, loving, and totally committed!

 

That's unfortunate. But you have a lot to offer and there's a woman waiting to be smothered by your love.

[youareworthy]

Hi Raindrop22,

 

The commitment-phobe usually has an internal war going on. He or she has a big part that DOES want to settle down. The other part, though, feels imprisoned by the person who loves them, and this imprisoning feeling triggers the fight or flight response. This phobia is closest in nature to claustrophobia. To the commitment-phobe, the relationship feels like a small, constricting space, and he or she panics.

 

The phenomenon is not about age, but about trauma. I know a 53-year old commitment-phobe who suffered severe trauma in childhood. I think it can also emerge AFTER a traumatic, abusive marriage, which may be the case in Shiner501's ex-girlfriend's case.

 

It isn't the same as the 20-something desire to experience life or sow wild oats before settling down. It is a clinically documented phobia, like agoraphobia or claustrophobia.

 

The book, Men Who Can't Love, is eye-opening and fascinating. I recommend it to anyone.

 

Youareworthy

[Silverbirch]

I thought commitmentphobe as well after I read first post.ive been with a commitmentphobe who is in his 50s. After a while, no matter how much you love them, it just messes with your head and heart, and the toll it takes becomes too much. I think you should cut your losses in case your daughter becomes more attached to her.

[shiner501]

Yep, I am surprised too. I would likewise have thought this commitment phobia was more for a youngster, not a mature 48 year old who is otherwise very switched on in life. As youareworthy says, these people just freak out when in a loving relationship. It's almost impossible to understand for the likes of us but rest assured it is very real. I am the battle scars to show!

[youareworthy]

And I have those same battle scars.

 

Youareworthy