Mature Couple - Much loved Girlfriend dumped me second time

[shiner501]

I think you are wise to maintain no contact for at least 2 more weeks. i think to help you stay strong, you should consider blocking her phone number.

 

Thanks Ms Darcy. I don't need to block it - I am strong enough not to do something crazy like drunk text etc.

However, what about the point of sending her something on the anniversary of her dad's death? All my reading on this subject says don't do it if one is in NC status. Do you agree?

[shiner501]

Thought I'd share this superb thread and advice about what to do when the person who dumped you reaches out during your No Contact phase with them.

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[Ms Darcy]

Thanks Ms Darcy. I don't need to block it - I am strong enough not to do something crazy like drunk text etc.

However, what about the point of sending her something on the anniversary of her dad's death? All my reading on this subject says don't do it if one is in NC status. Do you agree?

 

No contact is no contact so no I wouldn't send anything then either.

[patterned]

My parents and eldest son say she is nice woman but we are just not compatible, a square peg in a round hole

 

You glossed over this in your post but it is very telling. Get out of your head and look at this.^^^^^^

 

Stop trying, stop imagining you have any control over this situation. I know you feel that if you just do the right actions things will work out. The Beta, Alpha stuff you're reading give you a false illusion of control. There's nothing wrong with you. When a person pulls away yes it can make you feel small, needy and clingy. It's no big deal.

 

Yes it's possible you could once more bring her back. I tried to do this, I reconnected with an ex a number of times. I actually thought I was good at it. But I found that, right in line what what a good number of friends and family members saw, we were not compatible.

 

I used to think I just had to convince here and act just right, that I knew better. But that's how you feel when someone leaves you. Even if right before that happened you were thinking it wasn't working, when they end it you go right into rescue mode.

 

In my experience I would say that she can felt the incompatibility and while she has feelings for you and you two shared something good that's difficult to give up, it's just not working anymore. It's going to continue to come to this point.

 

Don't count days, don't focus on her, tracking every little nuance in behavior. Focus on yourself, take care of yourself. The plot is not thickening. It really doesn't sound like there are complex issues here. You do not want to try and manipulate your way back into a relationship.

 

Respect her, her feelings, and what she believes is best for her. Don't force a square peg into a round hole.

[mhowe]

The plot isn't thickening. You are still the father of a young child and that is a deal breaker for her.

[shiner501]

You glossed over this in your post but it is very telling. Get out of your head and look at this.^^^^^^

 

Stop trying, stop imagining you have any control over this situation. I know you feel that if you just do the right actions things will work out. The Beta, Alpha stuff you're reading give you a false illusion of control. There's nothing wrong with you. When a person pulls away yes it can make you feel small, needy and clingy. It's no big deal.

 

Yes it's possible you could once more bring her back. I tried to do this, I reconnected with an ex a number of times. I actually thought I was good at it. But I found that, right in line what what a good number of friends and family members saw, we were not compatible.

 

I used to think I just had to convince here and act just right, that I knew better. But that's how you feel when someone leaves you. Even if right before that happened you were thinking it wasn't working, when they end it you go right into rescue mode.

 

In my experience I would say that she can felt the incompatibility and while she has feelings for you and you two shared something good that's difficult to give up, it's just not working anymore. It's going to continue to come to this point.

 

Don't count days, don't focus on her, tracking every little nuance in behavior. Focus on yourself, take care of yourself. The plot is not thickening. It really doesn't sound like there are complex issues here. You do not want to try and manipulate your way back into a relationship.

 

Respect her, her feelings, and what she believes is best for her. Don't force a square peg into a round hole.

Thankyou.

She texted me about three more times "I miss you"' "my heart wants to love you but my head says not sure we are compatible" etc. I can't think why she thinks that because we always got on so well and she never raised this as something that bothered her. As Mhowe says though, maybe my child has put her off. I find that annoying as I put this to her within two weeks of meeting her and she said it was lovely I was a mature man with a child. Anyway, I decided to end it 100% and told her I'd always love her and remember her and wish her the best but not to contact me anymore and only to reach out if she wants to get involved again romantically. I am not holding my breathe that this will happen and I am going to move on.

[kbbcoop77]

Thankyou.

She texted me about three more times "I miss you"' "my heart wants to love you but my head says not sure we are compatible" etc. I can't think why she thinks that because we always got on so well and she never raised this as something that bothered her. As Mhowe says though, maybe my child has put her off. I find that annoying as I put this to her within two weeks of meeting her and she said it was lovely I was a mature man with a child. Anyway, I decided to end it 100% and told her I'd always love her and remember her and wish her the best but not to contact me anymore and only to reach out if she wants to get involved again romantically. I am not holding my breathe that this will happen and I am going to move on.

 

These are classic breadcrumbs. She misses the friendship but doesn't want you romantically. She's made that clear but still texts you. This is why you need to block her. You're only helping her get over you by leaving the door open a crack for her to get an ego boost or some form of relief. If she ever really wanted back a blocked phone would not stop her. She would battering ram her way back. I had an ex do that once, way before cell phones. A year or 2 after she dumped me she showed up with her big stupid grin at my regular watering hole. Either they come back or they don't, the trick is to get yourself to a point t where you don't even care. THATS why you go No Contact. To get them OUT of your head..! It works!

[youareworthy]

Dear Shiner501,

 

I am glad you've realized that you are not ready to date yet. You may not want to hear this, but the general wisdom on this topic is to NOT date for a year. You have strong feelings for her still, and that means that any relationship you start at this point will be a rebound. You simply are not ready to begin again. Moving on is not the same as dating again. Focus on the other parts of your life, and on your own healing. Dating now is not the route to healing. It will only complicate matters.

 

This is advice from the trenches. Getting over someone to whom I gave too many chances as well...

 

Youareworthy

[shiner501]

Thank you all for your messages. I have heard nothing else from her, and I don't expect to. I am doing well and feel generally fine, a little sad at times as to why it had to come to this but it did, so have to deal with it.

[youareworthy]

Thank you all for your messages. I have heard nothing else from her, and I don't expect to. I am doing well and feel generally fine, a little sad at times as to why it had to come to this but it did, so have to deal with it.

 

It is frustrating to love someone and have them choose not to pursue a relationship. Ugh. We will feel better soon.

 

Youareworthy

[Ms Darcy]

Thank you all for your messages. I have heard nothing else from her, and I don't expect to. I am doing well and feel generally fine, a little sad at times as to why it had to come to this but it did, so have to deal with it.

 

Take yourself out for dinner. Get a massage. Spend time with some friends. Be gentle with yourself.

[chitown9]

As I read this thread "commitment phobe" just screamed out to me. She knew that you had a 6 year old child when the relationship commenced, but now it is a reason for the relationship not working. Typical of a commitment phobe to do that very thing. Read the Book, "Men Who Cannot Love." The author is Steven Carter. It is geared for commitment phobic men, but just substitue Women because women are capable of the same condition. You will recognize the pattern and it will explain everything to you. Most importantly, you will have a clear direction of what you need to do in regards to her. chi

[shiner501]

I so appreciate you guy's guidance and counsel.

 

Well, she reached out again last night [Friday] at 23:00 (which makes me think she's had some wine). A pattern has developed; she gets to about 10 days without contact and then she reaches out. It's another breadcrumb I think and I am not going to reply. I let her know ten days weeks ago that I will not reply to any messages that do not clearly state an intention of reconciliation. My actions need to be congruent with my words. She said :

 

"So hard not to text you, I have stopped myself many times. I don't request reply but want you to know that I think of you every day. I've almost called you several times but stop myself as not sure wise. I so want you to be happy xxx"

 

As I said, I am not going to reply to this. Any thoughts guys please?

[youareworthy]

You are right not to respond. You told her that you only want her to contact you if she is serious about a real romance. You said that because though you love her very much, you won't tolerate being jerked around, and that is a very healthy boundary to set. She crossed the NC line, but is not saying, "I want to get back together," so she contacted when she WASN'T interested in a real romance. That violates your boundary.

 

But I can see it from her side as well. She has decided that she won't go down the LTR road with you, but she has feelings for you still, and those feelings are making her want to have contact. Though this is understandable because she, too, is mourning the loss of a good relationship, it is selfish to reach out to you when SHE herself ended it. Twice! It only prolongs your healing to have her "tease" like this.

 

Also, if she only reaches out after she's had some wine, that in itself is not a good sign; in her lowered inhibitions she is giving in to her "missing you" feelings, but not being wise or considerate. Contacting you when she is tipsy relieves her guilt and lets her express her emotions, but tortures you. That is self-indulgent, not kind.

 

You have made a good choice to go NC, and eventually she will stop contacting.

 

This is the first real love since your wife passed away. Believe me, there are other women out there who will see the great guy you are, and I feel certain you will meet someone who will love you and be ready to move forward some day.

 

Keep focusing on your own healing, and definitely do not respond to this contact.

 

Youareworthy

[chitown9]

Again, she is acting like a typical commitment phobe. Intimacy is frighting to her. You can read all about it in the book. She is torn between wanting it and being afraid of it....intimacy, so that is why she is acting this way. Seriously, get the book. chi

[shiner501]

You are right not to respond. You told her that you only want her to contact you if she is serious about a real romance. You said that because though you love her very much, you won't tolerate being jerked around, and that is a very healthy boundary to set. She crossed the NC line, but is not saying, "I want to get back together," so she contacted when she WASN'T interested in a real romance. That violates your boundary.

 

But I can see it from her side as well. She has decided that she won't go down the LTR road with you, but she has feelings for you still, and those feelings are making her want to have contact. Though this is understandable because she, too, is mourning the loss of a good relationship, it is selfish to reach out to you when SHE herself ended it. Twice! It only prolongs your healing to have her "tease" like this.

 

Also, if she only reaches out after she's had some wine, that in itself is not a good sign; in her lowered inhibitions she is giving in to her "missing you" feelings, but not being wise or considerate. Contacting you when she is tipsy relieves her guilt and lets her express her emotions, but tortures you. That is self-indulgent, not kind.

 

You have made a good choice to go NC, and eventually she will stop contacting.

 

This is the first real love since your wife passed away. Believe me, there are other women out there who will see the great guy you are, and I feel certain you will meet someone who will love you and be ready to move forward some day.

 

Keep focusing on your own healing, and definitely do not respond to this contact.

 

Youareworthy

 

Your words are so wise and kind. If you were round the corner I'd bring you some flowers to thank you.

 

I am maintaining NC, 100% without question. If she were to reach out with the intent to explore reconciliation then I would listen to her objectively. I am not sure that will happen if I am honest. Is this a "feeler" text to scope me out I wonder? Hmm, not sure, I think she is forward enough to approach me directly if she wanted to. Certainly, I told her that my door is open if she wants to explore that avenue. Yet she isn't doing, just sending half hearted texts. To be honest I think she doesn't know what she wants, just as Chi says, Intimacy is frightening to her.

[shiner501]

Again, she is acting like a typical commitment phobe. Intimacy is frighting to her. You can read all about it in the book. She is torn between wanting it and being afraid of it....intimacy, so that is why she is acting this way. Seriously, get the book. chi

 

Hey Chi, I will buy this book. Many thanks for the heads up.

[youareworthy]

Dear Chitown9,

 

I did just go buy it! And another one by the same authors. Thank you for pointing it out to the ENA community.

 

Youareworthy

[Ms Darcy]

I so appreciate you guy's guidance and counsel.

 

Well, she reached out again last night [Friday] at 23:00 (which makes me think she's had some wine). A pattern has developed; she gets to about 10 days without contact and then she reaches out. It's another breadcrumb I think and I am not going to reply. I let her know ten days weeks ago that I will not reply to any messages that do not clearly state an intention of reconciliation. My actions need to be congruent with my words. She said :

 

"So hard not to text you, I have stopped myself many times. I don't request reply but want you to know that I think of you every day. I've almost called you several times but stop myself as not sure wise. I so want you to be happy xxx"

 

As I said, I am not going to reply to this. Any thoughts guys please?

 

Breakups are hard. It sounds like she wants to reach out and get a response from you for her comfort. When she has healed, she'll drop you like a hot potato.

[shiner501]

Well, she rang me this morning - Sunday morning - on my cell phone. I let it ring out as I would have been unsure what to say, eveb though she made it clear she was thinking of calling in her text on Friday evening. She did not leave a VM. Makes me think she'll try again later on. Should I answer this time if she does? It's unlike her to call me - she's much more of a text type person. Makes me think she has something to tell me.

 

I will not engage her in any BS conversation as I told her I do not want to talk to her unless its about reconciliation. I wrote a few things down about what to raise in any conversation.

[Ms Darcy]

No, I wouldn't answer. Try to think long-term. You should make a decision to move on from her.

[mhowe]

She is the one who walked away. She doesn't get to use you to get over you.

[youareworthy]

I agree with Ms. Darcy and Mhowe. Don't answer. If she wants to reconcile, she can text you. If she wanted to discuss reconciliation by phone, she would have left a voicemail.

 

Tough, though, isn't it????

 

Ugh. Hang in there.

 

Youareworthy

[shiner501]

She called me and I took the call. She begged me to take her back. She told me I was the best man she's ever known and that she never knew anyone who treated her as well at it freaked her out with a "where is all this going" moment.

 

I told her I would consider it and added that I'm worried about her eagerness to press the "dump" button after doing it twice already. She agreed and said she'd communicate with me more.

 

My strategy is not to throw "all in" but leave her doing the chasing and pursuing and not be as open. She really, really wants me back.

 

I told her my daughter is my responsibility and she would not be left bringing her up. She said she understood now.

 

What do you think guys?

[mhowe]

I think nothing has really changed and another break up is down the road. Your daughter is still very young and part of your.life.