Your Top Requirements in Relationships

I did my first therapy session at my local women's abuse centre yesterday.

We had a lot of very interesting conversation and one of the things I wanted to start thinking more about are what are my top three requirements in a relationship where without them it's a deal breaker?

My therapist told me that in groups of women who come to the centre, only about 1 third know what those requirements are.

My therapists' for example are 1. Spirituality 2. Equality and 3. No pornography.

What are yours?

There are not just three. Compatible values/goals, chemistry, and respect are three top ones.

The problem is also one of definition -love is a requirement but not right away, even chemistry need not be there right off the bat but there needs to be potential for chemistry. And I was looking for marriage while others might want a different kind of commitment or more of a casual dating relationship which changes the requirements.

Trust, honesty, respect.

Female, not crazy, able to walk up stairs

So I am not a therapist but if a woman sought therapy at an abuse center I would not lead with "top three requirements for a relationship" but rather "what are your top three requirements for a healthy relationship with yourself?" Dating/relationships are the big leagues and if a woman has been in abusive relationships she's not ready to start thinking about what she seeks in others but needs to figure out what she seeks to be on her own.

I agree with Batya33. If a person hasn't worked on themselves and is lacking self esteem and cannot lead a fulfilled life solo, he/she will keep choosing a toxic person as a partner. That said, my main 3 are faithfulness, affectionate, sexually compatible. There are far more, but those are some of the top must-haves for me.

Honesty is #1 for me. There seems to be a huge number of liars out there who really ruin things for others. After that is a sense of humour and common goals. Plenty more after that, tho!

Loyalty, honesty, respect.

Respect, trust, good communication.

So I am not a therapist but if a woman sought therapy at an abuse center I would not lead with "top three requirements for a relationship" but rather "what are your top three requirements for a healthy relationship with yourself?" Dating/relationships are the big leagues and if a woman has been in abusive relationships she's not ready to start thinking about what she seeks in others but needs to figure out what she seeks to be on her own.

This is so true. I think women who seek help at an abuse center most and for all need help with self worth, self esteem and self love issues. And they need to learn about healthy boundaries.

For me, I think a lot of them are common sense. I know that if this was posed at an abuse centre, a lot of women would not necessarily see some of the things that we would consider obvious as deal breakers.

For example, I would never get involved with a guy who had ANY sort of dependency issue - whether it be alcohol, drugs, or even cigarettes. Period. I consider that an obvious deal breaker.

Same with a guy who has ANY sort of anger or rage issues and/or shows any of the signs of being a potential abuser (trying to control what I wear, who I spend time with, crazy jealousy, etc.)

So assuming those automatic dis-qualifiers, my qualities (which I have thankfully found in my husband) would be shared values and goals, similar political beliefs and trust.

I did my first therapy session at my local women's abuse centre yesterday.

We had a lot of very interesting conversation and one of the things I wanted to start thinking more about are what are my top three requirements in a relationship where without them it's a deal breaker?

My therapist told me that in groups of women who come to the centre, only about 1 third know what those requirements are.

My therapists' for example are 1. Spirituality 2. Equality and 3. No pornography.

What are yours?

You just prevented yourself from EVER having a healthy/sound relationship.

Mind you, you will find one that will lie to you about it........but that's not healthy is it?

Spirituality = make believe

And Equality, well I hope you will be clear with your future man and tell him there is no marriage. Because that legal commitments is not equal AT ALL (in our justice system).

As other's have said.

Step #1 is working on yourself. What lead you to engage and remain with a distructive person.

Step #2 re evaluate yourself, learn lessons and never repeat them again

Step #3 TIME, #1 and #2 take LOTS of time, as in months.

THEN you MIGHT be at a place when you are ready to talk about deal breakers with your future relationships.

Let me put it to you this way OP.

WE ONLY ATTRACT WHO WE ARE. Work on YOURSELF and become the BEST PERSON YOU CAN BE. So that when time comes to attract, you will attract a great person as well (assuming you will be one at that point).

WORK ON YOURSELF!!!

You just prevented yourself from EVER having a healthy/sound relationship.

 

Mind you, you will find one that will lie to you about it........but that's not healthy is it?

 

Spirituality = make believe

 

DoF....that's very judgemental. Until porn was on the internet...I knew of no one who watched it. Ok....they had looked at a few Playboys I guess...lol. But even now, they guy I had been dating doesn't look at porn, an the guy before him didn't....didn't know how to get on the computer! But he did have one porn cd we looked at once for kicks! I think that no pornography means someone who looks at it more often than a passing glance once a year or two, and believe me, there are LOTS of guys who don't.

Also, about spirituality, that is all an individual thing. So don't judge. When I'm on a dating site and says Non-religious/atheist.....I pass.

Also....just for your information, these where not HER dealbreakers, but her therapists!

Not everyone thinks as you, so don't be critical of some one else's deal breakers. It's an individual's decision....

These 3 have always served me well: Intelligent, sensual (please be great in bed or the deal is off), and a great sense of humor. Tall, non smoker and drinker, and honest should be there somewhere as well, but you said only 3, so...

Female, not crazy, able to walk up stairs

I see what you did there....sandwiched the unattainable one between two that should be easy to find! ;-)

Takes responsibility, honest, self-aware.

top 3 deal breakers

1)bad habits (smoking pot / drinking alcohol )

2) excessive babbling

3)lack of common sense

Honesty.

Having some similar interests.

Actually liking me.

And willingness to have lots of sex with me. LOL

You just prevented yourself from EVER having a healthy/sound relationship.

 

Mind you, you will find one that will lie to you about it........but that's not healthy is it?

 

Spirituality = make believe

 

And Equality, well I hope you will be clear with your future man and tell him there is no marriage. Because that legal commitments is not equal AT ALL (in our justice system).

I think after a certain age porn is pretty boring (based on personal experience). Even CNN is more interesting

I think after a certain age porn is pretty boring (based on personal experience). Even CNN is more interesting

No. Porn never really gets boring. Atleast if your horny it never does.

No. Porn never really gets boring. Atleast if your horny it never does.

I guess i watched a lot when i was a teenager lol. I have fulfilled all my fantasies since then so nothing new to watch.Plus these ing viruses...

I guess i watched a lot when i was a teenager lol. I have fulfilled all my fantasies since then so nothing new to watch.Plus these ing viruses...

I watched it a lot then too. Still hasn't stopped my enjoyment.

Tho I guess if you've fulfilled all of your fantasies it can make it not as good.

DoF....that's very judgemental. Until porn was on the internet...I knew of no one who watched it.

Ok....they had looked at a few Playboys I guess...lol. But even now, they guy I had been dating doesn't look at porn, an the guy before him didn't....didn't know how to get on the computer! But he did have one porn cd we looked at once for kicks! I think that no pornography means someone who looks at it more often than a passing glance once a year or two, and believe me, there are LOTS of guys who don't.

That's an oxymoron.....and I'm afraid you have simply been lied to.

Also, about spirituality, that is all an individual thing. So don't judge. When I'm on a dating site and says Non-religious/atheist.....I pass.

That's fine. It's your choice if you want to engage or be with people that believe in the "invisible man in the sky"

YOU are the one that will end up with the consequences of that.

I'm not judging. Whatever floats your boat.

Also....just for your information, these where not HER dealbreakers, but her therapists!

 

Not everyone thinks as you, so don't be critical of some one else's deal breakers. It's an individual's decision....

Any why are you being so judgmental about my advice.

It's simply my opinion/thoughts....take it for what it's worth. You have a choice to ignore it. And if you are offended, you definitely should!

I see what you did there....sandwiched the unattainable one between two that should be easy to find! ;-)

Hey now..