8 months later, and he wants to be friends..?

My ex broke up with me 9 months ago. I took it really hard and we had to see each other at work and had a class together. We didn't speak in the beginning, even though I tried twice. Once to understand and once to try to have a second chance at us. Both times he never responded. So I went into hard core no contact. Broke up in January and started no contact in February. I deactivated my facebook, deleted his number and took a long break from social media. It was the best thing I did for myself.Even though I went through a deep depression for a while I was able to grow and pull myself out of it. In May once school was out I moved back home, far away from him...we live in different states. 6 months later I finally felt alive. I realized it had been a long time since I spoke to him and even thought about him. It felt great! Then out of the blue I get a text from him, asking to reconnect and be friends because he felt the timing was right. I told him I needed time to think, I didn't know if I wanted to be friends. He said he understood and to let him know when I was ready. Long story short I never did. I didn't want to text him or talk to him because he had hurt me so badly. Yet when we got back to school and saw each other at work, once again he asked to meet with me. This time I agreed. I met with him, but didn't want to make it easy for him. I brought things up that I didn't understand like why he never spoke to me, or why he didn't respond when I reached out and why now? I could go on and on about all the details and things I said and asked, but to sum it up he said I was his best friend and he lost me and wants to be friends. After I made things a little uncomfortable we were able to sit and talk and even laugh, which was nice and I realized that I really missed him as a friend, in my life. He even asked (with an uncomfortable look on his face) if I was dating anyone, to which I responded no not at the moment, but I did start seeing someone over the summer, but it didn't stick. Curious I asked him the same question...to which he said he had different feelings about dating: he believes in being friends with girls right now and establishing meaningful friendships then dating when he is ready for marriage. At the end I told him I needed more time to decide.

3-4 weeks later I texted him to meet up and get lunch. He agreed and I asked if he was sure he wanted to be friends or just wanted to clear his conscience. He said he did feel guilty, but did in fact want to be friends. So we decided right then that we were friends. We talked about different things...He asked me about a date I went on with a rather creepy guy and laughed at times, but was quiet at others... it was interesting to say the least. One thing I noticed was how he kept bringing up looking at girls or cute girls, it was strange. I didn't know what to make of it. All in all though it was nice and we ended up sitting together for 3 hours!

At the very end and the next day I began to realize that I still had feelings for him. And I was hurt that we never got a second chance. I don't know what to think or do anymore and just need advice!

Why does he want to be friends now? We had both moved on.

Maybe he feels like the emotion has passed enough that friendship would be possible. The bringing up of other women is probably his unsophisticated way of showing you can both be pals and talk about attraction to other people--admittedly not the best idea, but I doubt he meant anything malicious by it.

Then again, I could be completely wrong and it could all be some strange plot to get back together with you.

He missed the friendship...I see no guile here. He isn't looking at your new friendship as a gate to reconciliation. You shouldn't either.

Tell him the friendship isn't working out, and never will. You still want a second chance and otherwise he doesn't get to have you in his life.

I feel so foolish for wanting him after all he put me through. But he just kept telling me how he misses me and apologized for the break up, making it so hard.

I thought I had healed. I really liked the guy I dated over the summer, but now all I can think about is my ex.

You DID heal. I think that there are just people in this world that when we are near them, we will always be open to desire. You've learned that even when you are in a good place, spending time with him caused this desire to come back pretty quickly. You'll have to build some stronger walls - it's OK. You got over him before, you'll get there again, and it won't take as long.

If you have indeed healed you would be able to be his friend with no romantic notions. You are just not there yet and that's perfectly understandable.

You still have feelings for him so being demoted to friendship is bound to feel uncomfortable.

The reason he is asking you about your dating experiences and mentioning girls to you is his not so subtle way of keeping you in check and reminding you that you two are only friends. Because that's what friends can talk about.

Do what's right for you and I think putting distance between you two sounds like the right thing to do.

You DID heal. I think that there are just people in this world that when we are near them, we will always be open to desire. You've learned that even when you are in a good place, spending time with him caused this desire to come back pretty quickly. You'll have to build some stronger walls - it's OK. You got over him before, you'll get there again, and it won't take as long.

OK. . I like saluk's advise better. .Makes perfect sense

A combo of the two actually.

You DID heal. I think that there are just people in this world that when we are near them, we will always be open to desire. You've learned that even when you are in a good place, spending time with him caused this desire to come back pretty quickly. You'll have to build some stronger walls - it's OK. You got over him before, you'll get there again, and it won't take as long.

He just got so uncomfortable when I told him that I actually dated someone (semi seriously) over the summer. Kinda like it wasnt acceptable that I had moved on...Its a little hard to explain.

And I do feel a connection with him when we are together. After meeting him I realized that I lacked a connection with the guy I dated over the summer, that I was pushing it work with him instead of it coming naturally like it does with my ex. I mean we sat together for 3 hours just talking about all these different topics. I havent had that with anyone else. I've never felt so comfortable around anyone like that. It just flows when I'm around him. Does that make sense? I mean we just flow so well together. I mean when we were together we never fought, and I have to admit he was my best friend, and in the break up I lost my boy friend and friend so it was very difficult. He brought up topics when we met that only he knew about and I so badly wanted to discuss them with him (bc no one else knows about the) but I couldn't, because hes been absent from life for so long and I didnt want to come off as vulnerable and pathetic.

The only time you should communicate with him is when he says 'I'm sorry, I made a big mistake and I want you back'. Everything else is pointless, blank him.

I know exactly what you mean. It's one of the hardest things ever, especially when you have to see the person, and when you have no other experience besides them of that kind of connection. But in a way, it's a good thing. Because of that experience, you know what a good relationship is supposed to be like. Even experiencing it again briefly with him was a reminder of that. It doesn't mean he's the only way you get to experience it, but it does give you an idea of how you will know you are ready to move on with someone else. Not because they are exactly like your ex in every way - but because they bring out the best in you, however that plays out.

If you can't just be friends without feelings coming up, you need to go with that - and make that stance HARD. Don't look for signs that he might come back to you - that never works and only gets you more hooked.

If your intent is to use a "friendship" as a way of getting back together, it will likely end in failure. Are you prepared to stand by him as a friend when/if he starts dating again?

Either way, as they say, "be careful what you wish for."

You cannot be 'friends' with an Ex until those 'feelings' are gone.

And by sounds of it, you felt off as he mentioned other women.

I suggest you remain at a decent distance to continue to get over him.

You can't be friends with someone you have feelings for.

If your intent is to use a "friendship" as a way of getting back together, it will likely end in failure. Are you prepared to stand by him as a friend when/if he starts dating again?

 

Either way, as they say, "be careful what you wish for."

I don't want to use friendship as a way to get back together. I haven't thought about him in that way in such a long time, but meeting with him brought feelings back

You cannot be 'friends' with an Ex until those 'feelings' are gone.

And by sounds of it, you felt off as he mentioned other women.

 

I suggest you remain at a decent distance to continue to get over him.

It wasn't that I felt off, but rather they way he kept saying it, forcing it made me feel uncomfortable. He's a very difficult person to read. I see him at work twice a week and recently he has been acting weird. I can't really explain it, we used to never speak, then when we first met we decided we would be polite and would even chat, but this week he has been acting strange. I don't understand

He's going to act strange. It's normal for exes to act strange, especially when they are being watched. Stop looking at him and trying to read him, because you're never going to get a clear signal there.