Marriage advice

I need advice. Words of wisdom. A smack on the head. Lol

I'm in a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend of 2 years. We dated 8 months and then became "official" as a long distance relationship. A year later, we moved in together and it's been 10 months of bliss. Moving in was a huge step for him, he's 35 and never took a relationship to this level. I am 27 and lived with a man who I was engaged for 4 years. He's comitted, handsome, sweet. He's perfect.

Here's my problem...he's so perfect that I WANT TO MARRY HIS ASS LIKE YESTERDAY! I'm going to sabotage my own relationship because he's not ready to be married and I want it so bad. Everyone around me is getting married and starting families. I know in my heart that this man is the one but he's so jaded about the idea of marriage. He's watched everyone in his family get married and divorced so he's in no rush. Which is fine...but I am so ready to take it to the next level and start a family in the next 5 years. I told him this and he asked for time. A few years to be exact.

I just need some words of wisdom. I'm so impatient and want so baddly for him to share the same enthuisam as I do for marriage and our future. Maybe he's not the one....? What if I wait like my last relationship and throw away more years? If he wanted to MARRY me, he'd just ask, right? Maybe he doesn't want to? Haha I sound pathetic but these are my thoughts. What are yours? Anything helps.

Thanks,

Sunshine

Everyone around me is getting married and starting families

Worst reason EVER for YOU to get married.

If he is perfect, and you are 27....then you can give him a few years. But, those few years are to let him see that living with you doesn't turn into a jail sentence.

You cannot make him enthusiastic about marriage. You CAN make him enthusiastic about locking you down because his life is immeasurably better with you in it.

No, if he wants to marry you, he would wait since you really have only been together 10 months. (Long distance doesn't count).

Thank you, I appreciate the input.

Ok. I wouldn't have moved in with him if you want to marry him. I would have had him move nearby and get reaquainted after having been long distance. I would not have moved in without agreeing what it meant for both of you.

That being said, i agree that people getting married around you is a bad reason to get married.

Personally, I think its too soon for him to marry you if you have been long distance most of this time. You guys needed time to just simply date in person, at least that's my opinion.

Also, before you got serious did you know what his idea for the future was - did he see himself married with kids at any point? Not to someone specific, but was that his goal? Marriage may seem like the next logical step for you, but maybe he just enjoys living together.

Also, what about your engagement? What made it a long engagement with no marriage? Did he feel pressure to 'take you off the market". Did the wedding keep getting postponed for legit reasons (called to active duty, parent dying, etc.), or did the date never get set?

IGNORE what herds are doing, or what your friends/"everyone around me" is doing. That is HERD mentality and I always recommend against it....

As for marriage, hell no. Actually his refusal to do so shoudl tell you "he is a smart man/keeper".

Never EVER make any lifetime commitments while in honeymoon phase. Your relationship is 10 months old (do NOT count the time not spend in person). Give it at least another 1-1.5 years and see what your relationship is like AFTER the honeymoon phase. This is not just for him, it's for you too. Don't you want to protect your future???

I highly recommend that you read 5 love languages as well....great general guide to relationships....

Good luck

You need to relax and be patient is the final answer.

Ok. I wouldn't have moved in with him if you want to marry him.

Actually, this is just me, but I recommend living together for at least 1-2 years before marriage.......so moving in is not a bad thing. Perhaps little too early but hey, better get this one out of the way now rather than later.

When I say long distance, We only lived an hour away from each other and I was there about three to four nights per week. I was actually paying a little bit of money towards the rent because I was there so often. Regardless, I agree that two years is not that long. Also, I do not want to marry him only because everyone around me is getting married. I just bring that up because I see it happening all around me and it only increases my desire. I love him so much and I'm ready to commit my life to him. When we were dating, at one point he mention that he did not believe in marriage and I he did not think it was necessary. The longer we have been together he is more open to the idea and now he is just waiting to make sure that he never gets divorced and married once and only once. That is why I 100% understand the fact that he wants to wait and I do realize this is me just being impatient. That is why I like to seek advice from people to tell me the honest truth and tell me to shut the hell up! Lol

Thank you !

You have to really ask yourself if you're willing to wait. He may never be comfortable with getting married, and you need to either A) come to terms with that, or B) recognize that you both don't have the same "end goal" and end the relationship. Because in the long run, your resentment towards his lack of commitment (because that's how you'll eventually view this) will fester til it breaks.

....an hour away is not long distance. You know each other well enough after all this time. Having said that, he does have serious issues and hang ups about marriage, which means that there is a risk he is not going to change his view about not wanting marriage.

At some point, you do need to figure out for yourself what you need to be happy and seek it. This man may or may not be it. If he doesn't see marriage and a family in his future, then he is pretty darn far from being perfect for you.

In your shoes, I'd give myself a deadline. Meaning that I would relax for one more year, but if at that point he still doesn't see eye to eye with you about where this relationship is going, I'd move on. This way, you are not wasting away years on something wrong and not getting anxious and sabotaging your relationship because you want him to propose like yesterday.

I am with DF. 1 hour away with you spending 3-4 nights with him per week is NOT long distance. At all. So you've been together with him 2 years, not 10 months. It does sound like he has some marriage hangups. I would ask yourself if it's worth staying with him even if it means you won't get married/have kids. You two need to have a heart to heart conversation.

Just remember, Marriage, at the end of the day, is exactly the same thing as you have now.

All it is is a "legal/government" and "religious" commitment.

One can say, you already have what you desire so much.

I am with DF. 1 hour away with you spending 3-4 nights with him per week is NOT long distance. At all. So you've been together with him 2 years, not 10 months. It does sound like he has some marriage hangups. I would ask yourself if it's worth staying with him even if it means you won't get married/have kids. You two need to have a heart to heart conversation.

Yea, 3-4 nights per week....1 hour away......I think it's fine to count that time as well.

Even at 2 years, I would give it another 6 months to a year.

HOWEVER, that shouldn't prevent OP from talking to her mate about their relationship future/desires/kids etc. You 2 should be on the same page.

If your views don't align, no need to continue.

 

HOWEVER, that shouldn't prevent OP from talking to her mate about their relationship future/desires/kids etc. You 2 should be on the same page.

 

If your views don't align, no need to continue.

Agreed. I'm all for being patient and not rushing anything, but OP needs to have a heart to heart with her partner to talk about what each of them wants for the future. You can't assume anything because you may not be on the same page. It's good to talk it out and know where you stand.

Living together prior to marriage has been studied to suggest it that those relationships don't last.

The average age women. Want to.be married is 27, so she is on track for that. For men it is 30.

I would say give it time, as the more you push it adds stress.

You are so very right. Thank you

Are you at all a little anxious with this one because the other one fell through?

You said you were engaged for 4 yrs.. but it didn't happen.

This part really sticks out, for me.. >> "Moving in was a huge step for him, he's 35 and never took a relationship to this level"

-Sounds like you really should slow down.. big time with him. He sounds very cautious with things and to keep up with a 'marriage' idea could end up pushing him away, in fear, etc.

How about the talk of kids? have you two discussed that.. after being together for 2 years?

( You can still have kids without being 'married'). Maybe this guy will never want to marry.. then what?

Yo made some very valid points. Your input is very much appreciated.

We have talked about it and he wants marriage he just wants to wait. My impatience and fear kicks in.... Worrying that I will wait for nothing. My heart tells me that we will make it... Sometimes I just get insecure.

Insecure about what?

That you'll never Marry? That this won't work?

Well I feel that if he wanted to marry me, he would... and the longer it takes for him to propose the more I wonder if maybe it is me. He tells me he loves me and he looks at me in the eye and tells me he is not going anywhere. The insecurity part is just something that I need to ignore. He goes above and beyond to show his love for me, and it only deepens my love for him, which in return makes me feel that I want to make that ultimate commitment. I just need to change the way I think and be happy with what we have.

Well I feel that if he wanted to marry me, he would... and the longer it takes for him to propose the more I wonder if maybe it is me. He tells me he loves me and he looks at me in the eye and tells me he is not going anywhere. The insecurity part is just something that I need to ignore. He goes above and beyond to show his love for me, and it only deepens my love for him, which in return makes me feel that I want to make that ultimate commitment. I just need to change the way I think and be happy with what we have.

I wouldn't tell you to ignore your internal warnings, but take some time to figure out what they really mean. I think being grateful for what you do have goes a long way to building comfort and content though, so I think you're on to something!

Best of luck!

He's 35. If he's not interested in marrying you now - 1 or 3 years won't make him interested in getting married then. Plenty of friends who've been with their "committed" guy for 5, 10, and even 15 years are still waiting. There's a reason why he's never moved in with anyone until now...he's a commitmentphobe. And now he's got everything he needs (you moving in) without the commitment. And now he can delay till his heart's content.

Living together does not prove that you will take your marriage vows seriously, or that it's the next step of the relationship. It just means, you know which chores someone will do. If a person loves you, wants to be with you, respects you, communicates with you, wants to grow with you, and is attracted to you, all those weird habits that others may have found strange, are so nominal.

And btw, DOF is happily married, and loves his wife, so don't think for one minute that marriage is nothing more than a legal document. If marriage is a life goal for you, let it be known. And don't settle. It's one thing if he wants to wait to let the relationship grow. It's quite another if he thinks in a few years, he will change his mind. It's either he wants to get married one day or he doesn't.

Agreed. I'm all for being patient and not rushing anything, but OP needs to have a heart to heart with her partner to talk about what each of them wants for the future. You can't assume anything because you may not be on the same page. It's good to talk it out and know where you stand.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Just because you get a guy to move in with you doesn't mean he wants to marry, that he sees you long term. Its what's for now. You need to be confident in yourself enough and bold enough to talk early on about what kind of relationship you are seeking out. And there is a difference between not being ready to marry (not known eachother long enough, etc.) than doesn't want to.

I don't think "if he wanted to marry me he would" if this is the longest a relationship has lasted for him.

I think two years is too soon to marry for a lot of people. I would find out, instead, does he see himself married, does he want kids. If the answer is no , then move on. If he is simply not ready to marry - and you basically have shown him that he does not have to marry you - you will move in, sleep with him and fix dinner together with no commitment so there is little motivation - then back off just a little. And work through any issues personally issues you have with the breakdown of your prior relationships. It does take two to tango - do that in the meantime.

I suggest that when a woman is serious about getting married in the future, she doesn't just move in with a guy. You had no idea what he even thought about marriage, his desire to get married, etc.

My bf didn't have any super long relationships before me - but he was ready to meet someone and does want to marry. But sure wasn't ready at year two. I am glad I didn't just toss him away because he didn't propose on our 2 year dating anniversary - but because we wanted to marry - we didn't move in. There are other things we have reserved for marriage and have focused on the more important stuff - like working through dealing with eachother's parents and families, talking about money, and all that other stuff. The fact that we like our toilet paper role hung the opposite way is inconsequential.

Yes, the bolded statement.

You are absolutely right as far as he wants to let the relationship grow. If he does, that is fine. 2 years is very quick for someone. Just because one person has been engaged before, doesn't mean the other person should get engaged quickly.