Daughter won't pay rent

I have raised my kids on their own since they were in diapers. I have three of them, the eldest lives on his own. As my daughter approaches 19 she has told me that she will not pay rent. When she turns 19 I will not longer receive child support so will have to get used to less money. This money helps with her portion of food, rent etc. as I have to rent a place to house her and her brother which means a three bedroom. The city I live in is one of the most expensive places in Canada.

My daughter is a nice person, we get along fine but she does want to move out on her own. She just doesn't make enough money to pay rent, food etc., never mind entertainment. She told me if I ask her to pay rent that she will just move out. I know that sounds selfish but I remember feeling the same way when I was a teenager. She feels that if she has to pay rent, she wants to get all the plus's, freedom to do what she wants etc.

She has lots of plus's at home as I don't really restrict her comings and goings. I just ask her to put her dishes away, pick up after herself etc. Of course I like her to keep in touch and let me know if she is going to be late etc. which she does.

My question is, how do I approach this. In one more month I will have to find a way to make more money, make up for her portion of child support. For years I didn't receive child support and it has only be regular for the past two years, now I'm going to have to do without it. I do not make much money, just make ends meet myself and I have no money left over for entertainment. She buys herself stuff all the time, Ipods, cell phone, I don't have either. She is always out of money.

This Christmas she has spent way too much on her friends and I told her not to do this because she can't keep this up. If she is on her own next year she will not have money to buy presents. She says that is why she is doing it this year.

Any suggestions? She is a good daughter, gives to the poor when she has change, nice manners etc. She is just not getting that she should contribute to the household she lives in once the child support stops. She has no idea how good she has it. I realize she will only figure this out once she is on her own.

Does she go to college, work full time, part-time?

Stick to your guns, and besides learning how to function as an adult, you'll be teaching her a valuable lesson. If she does decide to move out on her own, she'll quickly see what it's like out there, and may very well beg you to allow her back. I'm sure that she is a good kid, but experience is one of the best teachers.

Hope this works out for you...

If you know what she makes and she isn't going to school then sit down and work on a budget with her. She of course has every right to move out on her own but a budget with numbers as to her rent at home and her rent elsewhere may help her see the light. Also can you come up with an additional perk to help her stay at home? Come up with "X" rent but if she helps with laundry... dishes and dinner making once a week you could deduct $40 a month?

And - you are right... she will have no idea how good she has it until she does so on her own.

Let her know if she is moving out then you will need to downsize your space to be more affordable for you... she would be completely on her own at that point.

Good Luck

Her attitude doesn't serve her because it won't work with the rest of the world. Since a parent's job is to give their kids roots and wings, roots are never the hard part. I'd offer to help her find an efficiency, a room in a boarding house or a place with a roommate or two. The deal would be, if she moves out before her 19th birthday (or a date you choose) you'll pay the landlord her first and last month's rent and security deposit, you'll let her take some linens, pans and household items, you'll fix her brunch on Sundays so she can visit and do her laundry, and you'll supplement her with x dollars a month for the first 6 months. However, the deal will be off the table if she doesn't agree and she's not out by then. You'll just change the locks and she's on her own. She gets to pick.

If you believe you'd be doing her any favors by allowing her to have her way on this, please question that belief carefully.

Best wishes.

My parents don't have a certain amount that I have to pay each much. I give them a percentage of my paycheck (30%).

She just got a job in October, full time, minimum wage. I have not asked her to pay rent yet as I still get child support for her, but only for one more month. Also as I don't have extra money I thought it would be nice for her to be able to buy some things for herself for a few months. I'm not asking she pay rent now, but eventually. Maybe in a couple more months. Or I thought as she only makes minimum wage she could contribute to the food bill.

I also told her if she pays me what she would have to pay rent somewhere else, I would put most of it in an account for her. That way when she does move out she will have some savings. But, she is not ok with that idea. Her money is her own and she wants to make her own decisions. I know how important it is to have a security amount saved up in case of job loss, sick days or another emergency. She does not get any of this yet. I know she will have to learn the hard way.

She told me if I ask her to pay rent that she will just move out.

Tell her ok then. I mean seriously if her attitude is "If I can't live here for free then I'm leaving" I say your response should be don't let the door hit you on the way out.

She needs to learn there is no freebies out there and she needs to contribute to the household she lives in. She's an adult, not a child. She can pay rent. Obviously she had enough money to splurge on all her friends for Christmas presents. So I think her priorities aren't very straight.

The reality of the situation is that she needs to find a way to support herself financially. Legally speaking, she is an adult now.

If she does not make enough money to support herself, then she needs to either (a) change her spending habits; (b) move to a cheaper place/neighborhood; or © find a better-paying job. The solution should not be for you to find ways to make more money. That avoids the need for her to learn responsibility.

I know you are the parent and want to help out. But I assume she is an able adult capable of doing work and providing a living for herself. By all means, provide support while she transitions to a more independent living style. Help her budget, find jobs, pay for rent while she looks for a new place. But I think it you need to be pushing her to be out on her own and self-supporting.

If she's not in education as the previous poster suggested, I'd say that she IS being selfish. Not to say she may not be nice, but nice people are not always nice.

Unfortunately if she goes down this road she's not going to learn too much about budgeting and managing her money as she will be very used to having a free ride.

I know from experience with my own family this won't lead to a good place for her, it often leads to debt as people ignore responsibilities that they know they should deal with. I think you probably need to do something about this now before it becomes an accepted norm that she doesn't pay rent.

If I were you I would be completely honest with her, and calmly explain that she needs to chip in and contribute to the household as she is an adult and you need to have money to buy her food, pay for her energy bills - it is simply unfair, selfish and irresponsible of her if she doesn't do this. This isn't just about not getting child support any more but also about responsibility - she's an adult and she can't expect to live somewhere for free.

I would suggest working out how much you need to pay for her part of utilities, food, part of the mortgage or rent that you already pay and ask her for this amount. It will be pretty nominal and should probably cost roughly the same as if she lived in a shared house, maybe a little more if there aren't many of you in the property as the bills will inevitably be shared between fewer people.

It sounds as if you're already flexible with her and accept that she's an adult and does her own thing, so it doesn't seem to me that you're doing anything else wrong but being a bit too passive with her.

If I were in your position, I would let her know how much the rent will be and if she doesn't want to pay it she has to move out and find a place of her own. I don't think that this is harsh, but it is realistic and it sounds like she needs a reality check.

Best of luck with it - I know you love your daughter, and she knows this too, but don't let her walk all over you!! xx

Yes she does need a reality check. I did sit down with her when she first started working and made up a budget. I showed her based on what a shared rent would be how much money she would have left over after her essentials were paid. With her income she would have nothing over and she would most likely be in the hole. No money left over for bus fare or any entertainment. With our high rents she would have to rent with at least one other person, sharing a one bed apartment. She was kind of shocked. I told her she needs to make more money. She likes her job but the pay is not great although she is just starting out. She will get raises. I explained to her that it may be better to get more schooling so she could get a better paying job. She does not know what she wants to do so does not want to go to college or university until she knows. When that will be, I have no idea.

The door is open when you are willing to contribute to the home.

In a way, your daughter has a difficult decision... it's difficult to come to the realization that you won't be welcome at home forever.

I would recommend treading very softly in this matter. Ask her to pay a figure which is a fraction of the expenses and to contribute some part to the food budget. Don't call it "Rent", call it "helping out".

Actually, i think she needs to learn these financial realities now... if you can't afford to support a 3 BR apt. without either child support or income from her, then you need to be frank with her and tell her that she either needs to start paying rent or you will be moving to a 2 BR you can afford.

I don't have much sympathy for her at 19 if she is working a minimum wage job and blowing a lot of money on christmas presents for friends while telling her own mother she won't help out.

And if living at home is free, she has no incentive to go to school and can afford to dawdle in a minimum wage job for years, which is NOT to her advantage as she needs to get a career going.

So just be realistic with her... that in a perfect world you can carry her after the child support is gone, but the financial reality is that she has to pay her way now or you have to downsize to an apt. you can afford and she will need to move elsewhere. She may want to stay a kid longer, but in the eyes of the law and world, she needs to be self paying (which is why the child support stops, because she is no longer a child).

I think you did a great thing by doing a budget with her, but I don't think that she should be allowed to take you for a ride in order to avoid paying for things that are her responsibility.

At this point in time whether or not she knows what she wants to do with a career is really not your problem, your more immediate problem is that you need funds from her to pay for her food, utilities and portion of the rent/mortgage.

It appears that she thinks she can get away with doing a job which gives her just about enough money to get the stuff that she wants, whilst throwing out the 'I'm being paid minimum wage card in order to avoid paying you.

Unfortunately as she's your daughter there is always a guilt card that can be played and she will know all of your buttons, ie, that she wants a decent future career but doesn't know what to do yet so please don't pressure her as it's just too much at once etc. You will always want the best for her, and telling her she needs to pay rent in the meantime is by no means putting pressure on her to make a decision. It's simply for her to pay her way.

It sounds to me that she's in a very cushy position and is well aware of it and doesn't want to give it up, hence the final threat being that she will move out if made to take responsibility. In reality, she's probably not in a position to do this.

The multiple message from everyone here is about her taking responsibility for the way she lives her life and I think the only way to approach this is to avoid any guilt trips from her or emotional blackmail (ie, I'm moving out if you make me pay) and be direct with her, don't be distracted.

State your case, she needs to pay £xxx as rent whilst she works. If she does not want to pay this she will have to move out.

Any career prospects that she's considering are her decision, and if her circumstances change then you can both review the situation. Until that time, she must pay rent.

Keep it simple, don't get embroiled in any drama created - this is about practicalities only and you are not being unreasonable, unkind or unloving to your daughter but entirely the opposite, because all of this will help her to take hold of her finances and life in a positive way when she is fully independent and moves out on her own. I do really think that it is a really valuable gift that a parent can give a child - their independence and self sufficiency.

I am kind of in this situation too but in reverse. I got made redundant from my job at the beginning of the year, I still live with my Mother and have been paying rent with my savings which unfortunately are about to run out. I hate that I am now unable to contribute to the bills. My quality of living was quite poor anyway and it is about to get a whole lot worse.

I know your daughter is only 19 but she seems kind of immature and needs to grow up and realise where her priorities lay.

I was the same way with my dad when I was about 20. Well, I got what I asked for. I moved out, he rented out my room to a tenant (and made far more money, BTW, hint hint) and I quickly ran out of cash. Too late, but I sure learned an important lesson.

I say you advertise a room for rent on Craigslist or the likes and let her know she needs to move out before the new tenant moves in, and good luck with that. If she asks for money for help, just tell her "Sorry, you're an adult now and this was your idea anyway, so you get to handle it by yourself."

She'll be mad for a few years if she is anything like me, but one day it will make sense and all will be right in the universe.

All good posts, thank you.

I remember when I moved out I was always short on money. I made sure my rent was always paid. That was important to me. But about a week before pay day I had no money for food. I remember asking my Dad to help me out financially. He said "If you can't make it on your own, than you need to move back home"

I have always remembered this. He did not help me out. It made me more independent.

I could not move home as my mother was a complete pain, head games the works, so I found a way. I got a part-time job as well as my full-time job.

My parents did pay for college and did not charge me rent while going to college so I was thankful for that.

I don't think you should demand rent just because child support is not coming in anymore. I also don't think you should fund her moving out somewhere else. I think that as her mother, you allow her to stay, but you say that now she must pay for her own clothes, her own car insurance, and her own entertainment, such as her cell phone. Get her on her own plan or buy her a prepaid phone, buy her her first set of minutes and tell her if she wants more, then here is where to go or this is how you recharge it. Teach her that every paycheck, put $10 bucks on it whether she needs to or not to learn how to budget. If she doesn't - then oh well. She doesn't get to talk. Maybe its a gradual thing. Have an agreement that if she is picking her brother up from school a lot and really taking a weight off of you, that you will at first split her car insurance if she doesn't already pay for it and then gradually help her get set up with her own policy when she turns 20. I think if she is really pulling a lot of weight around the house that it counts for something. When things are in her name, it will be treated differently so long as she has been taught to budget - and that should have started long ago.

 

I say you advertise a room for rent on Craigslist or the likes and let her know she needs to move out before the new tenant moves in, and good luck with that. If she asks for money for help, just tell her "Sorry, you're an adult now and this was your idea anyway, so you get to handle it by yourself."

 

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I think that this is very mean spirited. You want to teach a child independence, but you also want to instill in them that family relationships are important and a family is "there" for you. If her father was never there, having the mother advertise her room for rent only causes alienation. it's not a motivating factor and it may cause a rift, especially if potentially she didn't learn how to budget or be self-sufficient. It is like turning her out into the street "here, your dad isn't paying any more money for me to keep you...goodbye"

I thank you again for comments. I think the fact that there will be no more child support does not really have anything to do with asking her to pay rent. She is almost 19, has a full time job and that is what asking for some rent should be about.

I think teens/adults need to work into this situation. Some of her friends pay rent, some don't. She pays for her cell phone, her clothes etc. but still bugs me for bus fare sometimes. I remind her she is working so needs to pay for her transportation.

I think I will discuss with her the expenses I have to pay to have a three bedroom and that she can continue paying for her clothes, cell etc. but that she should either help out with food, or buy her own. That may be a compromise for now. When she makes more money we can re-access. I know she wants to move out now but can't afford it. Part of her not wanting to pay rent to me may be resentment, although that is an immature way to look at it. She may be thinking just because I am 19 soon, why should I have to pay. I haven't had to pay before, now that I have some money my Mom wants to take most of it, something like that. She is just coming up on 19 after all. You don't become an instant adult with maturity just because you turn 19. Lots of learning experience will happen over the next few years. I don't want to make her feel unwelcome. So I guess I need to talk to her and talk about her helping and contributing rather than asking for rent. She may take that better. Good suggestion.

I would cut her some slack. She is just only 19.

The world is tough out there and it is hard to find a decent paying job that one can live on.

Give her a nudge, but don't push out of the nest.

You don't become an instant adult, that is true, but you never learn if you don't take on adult responsibilities. At 19, having her pay for rent isn't harsh. I started paying rent at 17, but as I said earlier, my parents only took a percentage of my paycheck, so if I didn't make a lot of money, it was ok.

I think she is plenty old enough to contribute. I was 18 when I started paying rent and even when I went to university I still had to pay rent to live at home and pay for my own school,entertainment,bus fare, whatever I wanted to do I had to pay for it. I had 3 jobs as well as university. It IS doable. My mother told me to get a job when I was 14 years old to start paying for my own toiletries and such. My mother wanted to teach people financial responsibility and how to look after yourself. That is just my 2 cents.

I guess I'm coming at this from the perspective of being a 23-year-old, recently graduated from college and having recently entered the "real world", working life, etc ... I think what's fair is somewhere in the middle - where she pays rent and is responsible for some maintaining of the household - but perhaps not market rate, which it sounds like she could not afford. On the one hand, yes, she's 19, has a job, you're not made of money and she needs to start learning what it means to be a responsible adult. On the other hand, she's 19, just started working, can't afford her own apartment, so if I were you I would make it somehow financially advantageous to her to stay with you. What are your end goals? Presumably, both ensuring that she understands what it takes to be an independent adult, but also presumably supporting her as much as you can to help her make a start in a difficult job market. It sounds like you might also enjoy having her as home as well. So I'd strike a compromise - make her pay SOMETHING, that helps you with your expenses, that shows her what real life is like, forces her to keep some type of a budget - without making her pay the market rent that anyone would pay, that would make it equally financially advantageous for her to just move on on her own.