Daughter won't pay rent

[coastalgirl]

I have no intention of asking my daughter to move out at this point. She wants to move out so she can have her freedom, something I wanted at her age too. I did move out and it was a rude awakening although I managed and I stayed out. I remember how upset I was that the apartment I rented did not supply toilet paper and cleaning products. That is so funny now. At the time I felt that I should not have to pay my hard earned money on that stuff.

 

I only want the best for my daughter and she can live at home as long as she wants to within reason. What I will do is get her to do more and more, let her know that all her expenses must be paid by her. That is a good compromise.

 

I think by the time summer rolls around she will move out with some friends as she knows she can't pay for a place on her own. Then she will learn what it is like to have room-mates. I sure did. I didn't have room-mates for long. Did not like to share at all because one was messy, one always ate my food, borrowed my clothes without asking etc. etc.

[sweetpea03]

Personally, I think a couple things should happen. First off, you say you live in a very expensive area, so why not look for another place that is cheaper? Then you can have extra money to save or spend on what you want or to help your daughter a little if she needs it. The second thing is that your daughter needs to learn responsibility, but also doesn't need to be thrown into the deep end. Don't all of the sudden say you owe me this much money every month and you have to do this or that or you are out of here. Teach her how to be responsible and add stuff on over time. Have her contribute to buying food or paying for utilities, something not so huge right away. Or maybe only take a portion/percentage of her pay check. It is important that she learns responsibility and the importance of having a good savings. At 19, I had a lot of money saved up and paid for everything I wanted except for rent(my own car and maintenance on it, gas money, food, cell phone, etc). I got rent free as long as I stayed in school and got good grades, which was our compromise. Though I ended up moving out anyways and now live with roommates.

[generaldiscord]

I can't believe that so many are advising teaching personal responsibility via making financially unsound choices.

 

When you're young and poor, the best thing is to live at home and save up some cash until you have enough to live comfortably somewhere else. The biggest lesson to teach is this method of saving and then spending. Kicking them out and having them learn "the hard way" that they're poor, that they don't have enough money by the end of the month... what does that cost? A grand a month and a year of their life. I would never.

[coastalgirl]

There is not much hope of me finding a cheaper place at this point. My younger son has one more year of High School so I need to stay put. Where I live it is expensive everywhere, no getting around that.

[turnera]

I think that January 1 is an excellent time to start new rules. In fact, why should your son not be contributing, too? He could be walking dogs, a paper route, working at a mall, and giving you money that you then, as you said, put into a savings account for him.

 

Tell your daughter she's welcome to leave but you hope she won't. However, any child of yours not going to school is expected to pay rent as any other adult would. Her choice - sign up for community college starting in January, or start paying you a percentage of her paycheck. It takes a long time to get through the basic courses every student has to pass for any degree; plenty of time to decide what she wants to be when she grows up.

[greywolf]

 

Tell your daughter she's welcome to leave but you hope she won't. However, any child of yours not going to school is expected to pay rent as any other adult would. Her choice - sign up for community college starting in January, or start paying you a percentage of her paycheck. It takes a long time to get through the basic courses every student has to pass for any degree; plenty of time to decide what she wants to be when she grows up.

 

I think this is very good advice.

[DN]

I think that one way to cause deep divisions between family members is to treat siblings differently. To require your son to contribute now if your daughter was not required to at the same age would seem unfair and he might wonder why he has to do that when your daughter was not (assuming she wasn't)

[coastalgirl]

My son has a full schedule at school. He graduates this year and is behind as he has ADD. So he is doing lots of homework. Plus he is heavy into sports and is on a league and a sports team at school. He has no time to work. I would not charge him for rent, no way. He helps with some chores but I don't want to take him away from his studies as he struggles and this is an important year.

 

I like to take my daughter out for coffee when we have things to discuss. This always works out well. In the new year we will discuss what she can do to contribute. It appears there are many differences of opinion which is ok. But, you need to do what you think is best for your own kids.

[turnera]

Please just keep this in mind: It's not your job to be her friend or to get her to like you. As a parent, it is your job to teach her how to be a responsible, healthy, well-adjusted adult once she's gone from the nest. Part of that job includes teaching them how to be responsible with money and how to make logical, realistic plans. IOW, it's your job to be tough on her when she needs it, as may be the case considering her newfound riches.

 

btw, no worries from me on the son. As long as he's in school, he gets a pass from me! That's how I was with my DD20 except for when she wanted a car. If you want a car to drive, you can find the time to work to pay for its maintenance (in high school). In college, she has to work to pay the car notes, which really is just a 15 hour a week job. See how I'm ramping up the level of responsibility as she gets older? That's real life, and you helping them learn how real life will be is a good thing!

[Persevere]

I don't see anything wrong with her contributing, but maybe the word 'rent' is scaring her off? Maybe instead of calling it rent, you could agree on a monthly bill that she should take care of. Like, maybe she could pay for the cable/satellite bill? I would start off with something small, and continue to have conversations about it. It would be a major shock to her to have to go from paying nothing, to handing over a large sum. After all, her status as your daughter is not changing, it's just the child support aspect. She was not responsible for the child support ending, so it seems almost like a punishment to her, and she did nothing.

[coastalgirl]

It's not really anything to do with the child support. I will have less money true. It's about her turning 19 in a month and working full time. She needs to start learning that with adulthood come responsibilities and that means paying bills.

 

I am doing baby steps so she gets used to it. First getting her to pay for her own transportation, cell phone, food, contact lenses, clothes etc. She is doing that now and of course I no longer give her money for anything. This is a start and a nice savings for me. She does not make much and they keep sending her home early when it's quiet so her pay cheques are not great lately.

 

I'm encouraging her to stay home and go back to school to get some more training so she can get a better paying job.

[turnera]

Along those lines, why don't you spend some time researching her situation? What she can expect in 5 years WITHOUT college. What she can expect in 5 years WITH college. Stuff like that . Help her see the future.