"Kids are an expense I'm not sure I want to have"...help!

For a little background information, my boyfriend and I are just approaching are three month mark for dating, meaning that its time that the more serious issues such as kids, pet peeves, etc... come up. We were out for drinks with friends and talking about relationships when my boyfriend asked everyone whether or not they want kids. When I turned the question to him, he said , "I don't know. I could go either way. I just don't know if kids are an expense that I would really want to have. I'm not sure if the emotional reward would be worth it" My stomach just dropped then and there, but being in front of our friends it wasn't exactly an appropriate time to have this conversation. In my shock, as I had assumed that he wanted kids, as he's great with them and enjoys his nieces and nephews immensely, I blurted out how disturbed I was that he would thinks of kids in terms of as an expense before anything else. While I know having children are a major expense, it would not be the the first thing I would consider or announce. As he's approaching 30 next year (we're about 5-6 apart), I would have thought he'd be more sure on this issue. On our first date, he asked about whether I wanted kids, though had apparently forgot my answer. Later that night on our way home, I gave a bit of warning but point blank said that for me, not wanting kids is a deal breaker and I'm not willing to compromise. I've seen what happens when people believe that they can change their partner or spouses mind that they want kids. Somewhere down the line, the relationship ends because of it. He replied that he does think he'd want kids someday then. I know I may be young, but am I being naive? I just fear that later down the road he may change his mind. We're both compatible in every way, compensate for each others strengths and weaknesses, and have an overall healthy relationship...it's just that normally I honestly probably wouldn't date someone who I knew doesn't want to have children someday. Does anyone who's been in similar situations have any advice?

Honestly, it's definitely early on to be talking about wanting to settle down and having kids.

Perhaps his mind will eventually change as the relationship deepens?

In either case, give yourself a time frame and then approach this subject again, if he's still adamant on not wanting kids, perhaps then you can decide what it is that you truly want from the relationship.

In the meanwhile, just enjoy the relationship and seize the moment.

Whatever you think of it, kids really are an expense or burden.

You might love them and/or really want them, but they are a huge responsibility.

Having them, can cause no end of trouble.

But aren't you glad he was honest? Would you rather have had him say that kids

are really great, but are a huge burden, before saying they are an expense or what?

Doesn't seem to make much of a difference.

And it's a common thing to believe a person will be the one you spend the rest of your

life with, but you'll find that many have thought so and then had their bubble burst.

Terribly. So if you had gotten kids and then found he wasn't ''the one'' then you would

be even worse of, than if you hadn't gotten them (yet). I say you will need to have

more in depth conversations with him, because it can be he has a specific reason

for believing what he does, about kids, reasons which you might be able to influence,

if you can talk to him.

I have to agree with JD, three months is a bit early to make any conclusions regarding children and marriage. But it is certainly a good time to decide whether or not you want to continue on based on what he HAS told you regarding his opinion about whether or not having children is something he wants. I'd say the fact that he let you know this, early on has given you enough ammo to decide whether or not it is in your best interest to stay or leave. You say you are 5 to 6 years younger than him? If so, I'd say that you are young enough where if you DID decide to stay with him and he did NOT want kids 3 or 4 years down the road, it wouldn't be difficult at 28 or 29 to leave and find someone else and still have your fertility in tact. On the other hand you are also young enough to simply date another man RIGHT NOW that wants what you want(even at 3 months down the road) and this saves you unwanted heartache. I think it's good that you told him this was a dealbreaker. But I do think that over the next few months you need to figure out if you are okay with him "not knowing". The relationship itself is still fairly new, so you may be placing too much emphasis on this at this point--especially being how young you are.

He may or may not change his mind though. And you certainly can't "bank" on how he treats his FAMILY children(nephew, nieces, etc) as a way to assume that he wants children. Some people love their nephews and nieces but don't want children for themselves. What you can "bank" on is his words(the only thing you do have to take at face value) and it's obvious that he is NOT sure. I'd have to agree that at 30 most people have some idea what they want or at least have a good idea of what they "think" they'll want down the road. If he was your age (24, 25, or even 26) I'd say give him another two or three years and see what he says, but he is at an age, and I'm assuming he is mature enough to have an "idea" about this issue and since he does not, that would be a red flag to me. Some people as they get older do change their mind. But for most people by the time they reach 30 they have a good idea about marriage, children, amongst other serious commitments--and are at least certain whether or not they want any of those things--down the road. When they are unsure it means it can go either way--and that you could either waste your time or it could be worth it in the end if he decides he DOES want children.

Is his financial situation unstable?

I know my advice is all over the place, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that you are RIGHT to consider whether or not it is a good idea to continue moving forward with this relationship.

Talking about kids at the three month mark? Personally I think that's a conversation that should wait until things progress more. But on the other hand you know what you want, so maybe it makes sense to float the issue pretty early. Still, 3 months...!! Give it more time.

In any case I'd take this more as a sign that he hasn't quite decided yet, not that he's deliberately misleading you. If he's posing the Q to friends then it's certainly an issue he's thinking about. It's maybe a yellow flag: given his current reservations he probably doesn't foresee wanting kids in the next 2-3 years (still thinking both sides of issue, and would want to be more settled in his career).

I'd say give it a few months before revisiting the issue. In my experience it takes at least that long to figure out if the person would be a good co-parent (regardless of their desire for kids).

Cheers.

Ug an early kids talk definitely ruined/ended my last relationship. Why do these things come up while drinking, haha. I think the fact that he's open to it just means you should keep going on, see how the relationship progresses and take it from there. If he was adamant about not having them, well then you'd have a reason to break up. He's not sure about them, completely understandable.

I dunno in my situation my girl was a little older so I just wanted to float it out there, see what she was thinking. That was definitely a mistake, but hey you learn from these things. I don't really see why 3 months is too early, but I suppose it is. Maybe just one of those things you need to know, and not understand.

Adding to this, the timing of our relationship is not the best. I'll be graduating from grad school in a few months and am from the other side of the country. This just adds to the complexity of whether or not I want to take a job here or back near my hometown. I currently love where I'm at, but it is definitely hard to be this far away from my family.

Adding to this, the timing of our relationship is not the best. I'll be graduating from grad school in a few months and am from the other side of the country. This just adds to the complexity of whether or not I want to take a job here or back near my hometown. I currently love where I'm at, but it is definitely hard to be this far away from my family.

Well if your decision to stay is based on your relationship, with you "loving" the country you're in as a smaller point then I would probably move toward my family. Especially if it were a 3 month relationship and he was unsure about a commitment I strongly believed in. On the other hand if your reason for staying is because you love the country your in and NOT solely based on your relationship, then by all means stay. But also keep in mind that he may or may not change his mind. While some people believe 3 months is too soon to consider marriage and kids--I see it as just the right time to get an IDEA about what is important to each person and whether or not you are compatible. The fact that he isn't sure, and that he is a bit older(and I'm assuming more accomplished) would make me cautious about going further since having kids is important to me. But since you are young, the relationship is fairly new, and he has the right to be unsure and tell you that, then it's perfectly okay if you decide to stay and see what happens.

There are numerous threads on here, of people who were with their "so" for 2 or 3 years and their so still wasn't sure, or just didn't want what they wanted. It's important that these sort of conversations are brought up in the beginning to avoid the time, effort, and emotions that are invested within the relationship when both people assume that they want the same things. This is just my point of view though. Too many women, in my experience, end up in dead-end relationships where their so doesn't want what they want, but they are too in love to leave and later on regret it.

I would probably give it more time(with him) and dig a bit deeper, but keep it in the back of your mind at least, that he does NOT know if he wants children. This way at least you can't say you felt duped or surprised if he decides he doesn't want kids.

As he's approaching 30 next year (we're about 5-6 apart), I would have thought he'd be more sure on this issue.

In case it means anything, I'm 31 and still have no idea if I ever want children or not. Mind you for me it's more complicated as I wouldn't have them naturally (I'd most likely pursue adoption) but the overall decision is still a major question mark for me.

The guy my friend is dating is like 32...and he has no idea if he wants kids for definite or not. Its fairly normal. She only knows cos he brought it up in a random convo.

Its too soon to have that chat seriously.

I may be going against the grain here but I think general views about kids (I definitely want them or I don't want them or I dunno) should be let known early in a relationship. I do not want and cannot have children and I'd be wasting my time with many men if I just didn't talk about until 6 months or so. Many men want children and if I hear that viewpoint early on, I leave right away so I don't waste his time or may time.

You can't assume that anyone just wants kids. I do think it sounds like he's in the "I dunno but maybe not" catagory right now while you are like "definitely."

Honestly, go with your gut. I would talk with him in private. When it comes to kids, you CAN'T compromise and it's good to know early. Yes, some guys will be "scared off" but it's not like you're asking for a commitment, you just want to know his views. If he is leaning towards "no kids" and you want them, then sorry to say but it's not going to work out.

I dont think that it is too early for this conversation. I think that if your bf is around 30 and is unsure about wanting kids then he most likely doesnt want them. You can be disheartened by his reasons or feel whatever else but it is his decision.

You may both change your mind in the future. My sister was sure she wanted at LEAST four kids and ended up not having any. I NEVER wanted children but had my son in my 30s and couldn't be happier that I did. Just play it by ear and concentrate on your career and your relationship for a few years before you even THINK about children.

I feel the same way. It's one thing to talk about you TWO having children together, OP--because that IS too soon. But it's an entirely different story if you're talking about having children in general--whether it's with you or not. If in general he has no idea he wants a child, he's edging 30, is financially stable, and is stable in his career, then there is SOME reason(beyond expenses even) as to why he is not ready or feels prepared to have a child. And if he is unsure now there is no telling that he will all of the sudden want a child three years from now. Banking on that could very well lead you into a relationship that is not compatible to your needs. As I said, if he were younger(in his mid-late 20's) it could make a little more sense when you account for the instability, career climbing, and financial issues that are occurring. But if he is a straight, stable male who just is unsure--then there is a chance that he MAY not want children in the future. If this is a serious matter to you, then I suggest you THINK deeply on whether or not you want to give it a go anyway.

A lot of people on here are stating that it's too early to talk about having children with HIM, but I think that your post is talking about the "general" knowledge about whether he wants children at all(whether it's with you or not) and 3 month is NOT too early to get a general idea of what he wants.

Its taken me 5 years to decide that I do actually want kids

Still scares the hell out of me tho haha

yeah and dont judge how he acts as an uncle as a gauge to his personal feelings towards kids.....i am the best auntie in the world, and love my nephs to DEATH, but I hold the same opinion as your bf, along with not wanting to give up my lifestyle, independence, nor being thrilled about everything that comes with pregnancy and i will be 30 next year. He's entitled to feel how he feels, and it's actually a great thing being able to identify and be realistic about how kids change your life.

I'm 28 and I still dont know if I want them or not either. I don't think you should be upset at him for thinking of them as an expense. They are an enormous expense.. and how else can he really think of them if he hasn't had them and doesn't know the positive aspects of being a parent first hand?

It is strange though that he seems to bring up the topic a lot? On your first date and now at this dinner.. I guess he's trying to figure it out. It might become clearer for him when you guys are deeper into your relationship as having kids (at least for me) isnt something I can really think about independent of the person I'd have them in or the relationship I'd have them in. One of the main attractions to have a kid for me would be to have a little person in my life that was half my husband.

he said , "I don't know. I could go either way. I just don't know if kids are an expense that I would really want to have. I'm not sure if the emotional reward would be worth it"

Sorry if this upsets you, but judging from this statement, it sounds like he mostly doesn't want them. I'm 26 and I've ALWAYS known that I never want children in my future. When I was 16, a friend of mine longingly said, "I want a bay-bee!" And I was like, "Ughh, I don't!" And that was 10 years ago. That girl now has a 2-year old, and she is happy as ever. (As am I, with no children.) However, I'd also suggest asking him to do some deep thinking, and listen to his gut instinct. Ask him where he sees himself in 10 years. If it matches with your plans, then you guys might have a chance.

I agree with Fudgie; it's never too early in a relationship to find out important things like whether or not to have children. If anything, that is something you MUST find out early on so you will know if the relationship should carry on. I once stayed in a relationship far too long when deep down I always knew we wouldn't make it because we wanted/liked such different things.

He was honest and he didn't say he never wanted kids. Besides, you two probably should settle down a bit more and really figure out when it comes to deciding when to have a child. It is an expense both time and money. As long as you two can be honest with each other & be realistic I'm sure you two can come to an agreement; but try not to judge his views at the moment early on in the relationship.

I may be going against the grain here but I think general views about kids (I definitely want them or I don't want them or I dunno) should be let known early in a relationship. I do not want and cannot have children and I'd be wasting my time with many men if I just didn't talk about until 6 months or so. Many men want children and if I hear that viewpoint early on, I leave right away so I don't waste his time or may time.

This is interesting statement that's been crossing my mind for several minutes. Though I agree with this to a certain degree, I can't help but look at the other side of it:

Can you say this is a fair thing to do to a date who is not looking to be exclusive, or is not ready?

Honestly, dating for the first three months is the honeymoon period of a relationship. After 4-6 months, when the honeymoon phase is gone, that's the best chance to really evaluate the relationship and decide if the relationship should remain exclusive than just suddenly popping the question about having kids. I find it interesting that a few male posters here have admitted to running away from previous relationships when partners start talking about kids at an early stage of a relationship- perhaps they feel it was brought up too early that they haven't made up their minds if they want to be exclusive yet. Though talking about having kids and getting married are excellent focus goals of a committed relationship, the early stage of the relationship should have the focus of, "Do I really want to be with this person? Can I tolerate this person and still continue to love them after getting to know them better?"

Bottom line: Smart people who want to be exclusive and talk about children consider their immediate financial situation first.