So...we decided to take a break...

I feel absolutely miserable. We've been having issues with the distance. Most of you know what the back story is but if you don't, to make it short, we met 2 years ago and have been together for about a year. He lives on the west coast and I live in Michigan. We only see each other every few months.

Lately, we've been fighting A LOT. Mainly over him not having enough time for me. I feel like he takes me for granted and he wants his total freedom and I feel almost like a convenience. I'm not perfect in this relationship either. I'm needy and clingy and get moody. If we lived closer, it would be different. The distance is what is destroying us.

We had a LONG talk today (3.5 hours, plus online). Basically, we both really love each other and aren't sure how to proceed. After talking for so many hours, we decided to take a break. We're giving it until the weekend. The thought of not talking to him is tearing me up.

As for the ending the long distance (I know someone will ask when..), I'm more than willing to relocate but he's not ready for that step and doesn't know if he will be. Ouch.

Another thing... he says he doesn't know if he can NOT talk to me. We rely on each other so much. He knows me better than anyone and vice versa. Sometimes, though, I wonder if he really needs the friendship and not the relationship itself. The companionship. I don't know, I'm insecure.

I don't really know what to think. I don't really know what I'm asking or if I'm even asking anything at all... just feeling really low. I cried for a big portion of our conversation and have been on the verge of tears since.

We would BOTH be hard-pressed to find someone who we click with as well. We have the same sense of humor, have SO much in common, have a LOT of fun together...the connection is great and I don't want to lose that.

I just don't know. I don't know. I don't know!

I think we all feel that way after a break up, that we'll never find anyone as great as our ex (I still feel that way sometimes). But logically, that's not true. It sounds like your boyfriend wants someone to be there for him when he needs it, but is not willing to do the same.

It sounds a lot like my break up. I'm really sorry.

ILMBC, I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe a break would be good, help you guys regroup. It seems you guys have been arguing a lot lately. But, if you guys do end it, end it cleanly without dragging it out and on, because that can really do a number on your feelings and self-esteem. Been there, done that.

Have you ever thought about moving out West, just for yourself, instead of for him? It might help, if he doesn't think you want to move out there because of him.

Maybe he's afraid to settle down. Guys can get like that too.

Good luck though, on whatever the outcome.

Hi mate...

Sorry that this has happened to you, sounds hard. Long distance is REALLY hard to go through. I would say that if one of you relocated then it would be alright but the face that he's "NOT READY" to take that step is a massive worry. Thats a big red flag if you ask me. Not ready after a year? Hmm something's a bit fishy about that. And the fact that he can't go NC with you? So you're not allowed to go near him but you have to be there to talk when he feels the need? Hmm, one sided much?

This isn't fair on you, you're there when it's convenient for him - no wonder you're feeling clingy - i would be too!!! Break it off, and go NC. If he doesn't like it then it's his problem. Your feelings are worth more than that and who says he's in control of you either. Unless he has the word puppeteer tattooed on his ass? I don't think so.

sorry to hear this cairo girl.... i hope you feel better soon.

I think Ren said it well. This may make him wake up, and appreciate you more. Sometimes we take others for granted...

Give it a couple of days, and see how you both feel. I'm occupying my time with a long lost friend. I welcome the distraction. My mind wouldn't shut off ....thoughts of my ex were constant!

I think we all feel that way after a break up, that we'll never find anyone as great as our ex (I still feel that way sometimes). But logically, that's not true. It sounds like your boyfriend wants someone to be there for him when he needs it, but is not willing to do the same.

It sounds a lot like my break up. I'm really sorry.

RE: we'll never find anyone as great.... honestly, in every one of my previous break ups, I've KNOWN I would find someone better and more compatible. Maybe it's because J and I were such great friends before we started dating.

 

And you're right. He wants someone there for him and on Wednesday night, when I REALLY REALLY needed him, he blew me off....that's kind of what tipped me over the edge.

 

ILMBC, I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe a break would be good, help you guys regroup. It seems you guys have been arguing a lot lately. But, if you guys do end it, end it cleanly without dragging it out and on, because that can really do a number on your feelings and self-esteem. Been there, done that.

 

Have you ever thought about moving out West, just for yourself, instead of for him? It might help, if he doesn't think you want to move out there because of him.

 

Maybe he's afraid to settle down. Guys can get like that too.

 

Good luck though, on whatever the outcome.

See, that's the thing--I WOULD move out west for ME. I told him that and he didn't believe that I genuinely WANT to live there, regardless of him. I've ALWAYS pictured myself living in California. Since I was a little girl!

 

If things DO end (I hope we can work this out), it will be clean. We were really civil and calm tonight talking... aside from me being really emotional and crying. It's obvious we both really love each other...

 

Hi mate...

Sorry that this has happened to you, sounds hard. Long distance is REALLY hard to go through. I would say that if one of you relocated then it would be alright but the face that he's "NOT READY" to take that step is a massive worry. Thats a big red flag if you ask me. Not ready after a year? Hmm something's a bit fishy about that. And the fact that he can't go NC with you? So you're not allowed to go near him but you have to be there to talk when he feels the need? Hmm, one sided much?

 

This isn't fair on you, you're there when it's convenient for him - no wonder you're feeling clingy - i would be too!!! Break it off, and go NC. If he doesn't like it then it's his problem. Your feelings are worth more than that and who says he's in control of you either. Unless he has the word puppeteer tattooed on his ass? I don't think so.

Yeah, that's what I said. I told him this wasn't fair to me, to keep stringing me along like that. I told him either we work it out or we break up and DON'T talk. He can't have the best of both worlds (single AND have my friendship)

 

I'm not sure it's so much of a red flag, to be honest. That's just how he is... And, it's not like I want to move out there NOW, it would probably be about a year... All I asked of him was for a rough time frame....he couldn't give it to me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I think Ren said it well. This may make him wake up, and appreciate you more. Sometimes we take others for granted...

Give it a couple of days, and see how you both feel. I'm occupying my time with a long lost friend. I welcome the distraction. My mind wouldn't shut off ....thoughts of my ex were constant!

Yeah, that's what I'm hoping... I hope he wakes up and sees what he would be losing...

I want things to work, but there are quite a few things that need to be done differently.

It's a tough situation, I know because I lived it. We split up probably for good. But we did have enough communication much later to work through what happenned. He was unsure of his feelings and couldn't ask me to extend myself any further. Much, much later he told me that he really did love me, past tense. At least I wasn't imagining it all!

I agree that nc for agreed upon periods of time can be good, but nothing will fix a relationship that never really was. So sad.

ready2heal, i'm sorry you've had to go through something similar. it's terrible and heartbreaking.

I think taking a few days will help... I hope anyways... I'm just terrified that he's going to find that he CAN live without talking to me...

I can assure you that he's thinking about you, Jen. He's young, and younger ppl don't always know what they want. It's such a mind twist. It sounds like he fears commitment.

I can assure you that he's thinking about you, Jen. He's young, and younger ppl don't always know what they want. It's such a mind twist. It sounds like he fears commitment.

He's almost 30... which is something that concerns me. I understand the commitmentphobia in a guy MY age...but he's older.

ready2heal, i'm sorry you've had to go through something similar. it's terrible and heartbreaking.

 

I think taking a few days will help... I hope anyways... I'm just terrified that he's going to find that he CAN live without talking to me...

I'm hoping he finds out he CAN live without you but he doesn't WANT to!

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time, Jen. Hopefully you guys can work things out.

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time, Jen. Hopefully you guys can work things out.

thanks, redrose... i hope so too

Oh maan. I'm sorry girl=(

Hopefuly he will come to his senses and realize how great you are!

I'm also dealing with the distance. I see him once a month and on holidays.I get emotional, and needy and moody but for the most part I'm dealing quite well with it. Even better then I could of thought. I plan to stick it out. We also have ALOOT of freaking communication so that helps. We sent a total of like 50 texts a day and talk on the phone like 2-4 times a day. Picture/video messages, mysapce.

He needs to be there for you more. Even if he can't phsycially why not mentally.

And if you've been going out so long, why doesnt he want you to move there? I thought he wanted the closeness of someone,.

I know how bad breaks suck. My boyfriend and I had a break during the summer for 5 days because he needed to give me a reality check and the only way to do it was to take himself out of the equation, and he had just a hard time as me.

It was only 5 DAYS yet I couldn't stop crying my eyes out. I was a mess. I would text a million people at once looking for support, not being sure he would come back to me because we didnt talk until the night of the 4th night. I felt so betrayed and alone. When I went out he was ALL I thought or talked about. I'd cry on my friend's shoulders, my mom's shoulder. I would cry until I made myself sick. I didn't eat anything. I lost 8 lbs in 5 days, and got a combined total 10 hrs of sleep during that whole 5 days.

I was a mess. Totaly. I didn't feel like anything in life mattered.

Until finally we had 2 serious talks, and he wanted to make sure I would be okay with the distance. He is, he always knew he would be. He needed to be sure for me because I was being so * * * * * y and being demanding and saying I'd break up with him all the time because of the distance. Expecting waay too much out of him,and I didn't realize it cuz all of the hormones I was on. I even held of getting a job because I wanted to be with him more. So he did the break for me, so I could realize the error of my ways, and I actually got a job during that time lol.

Trust me, I know how hard it is. I guess my best advice is to just stick it out, and tell him that if you guys truly love eachother you will make it work. A little distance shouldn;t stop anyone. "True love can move mountains" as they say.

Rose, thanks a lot for your response....

That's the same deal here, it's only going to be a few days but already I'm a trainwreck...

We DO talk a lot... text all day, IM, myspace, calls... but he goes out a LOT... and when he does, he goes MIA which is a major issue.

You're so lucky you get to see him every month. I have NO idea when I'll get to see him again. I don't have a job and he JUST got one and has a lot of stuff to pay off (just got in a bad car accident too)....The last time was June...

I just don't know what to doooooooooo.

I think I cried as much as possible tonight... As distraught as I am, I can't cry anymore...

I was supposed to go to Chicago tomorrow... but the bus leaves in 4 hours and I don't think I'm going to make it.

Hmm, this is a tough one.

Because on one hand, I've never been good with guys that were 'needy and clingy' even though I, while not the clingy type, do feel just as shattered as the next person if I feel that someone isn't devoted to me.

And it's really all pretty much not black or white what is an insecurity issue vs. one partner triggering feelings of insecurity because they are being cavalier, self-centered and inconsiderate.

So I can't really tell from your situation which is more at play here -- but my hunch is that he is doing his fair bit here to demonstrate poor and shoddy treatment of your feelings, regardless of how cast iron or insecure you might be. So that's a red flag to me.

I have to agree with the other poster who said his not knowing if he ever wants you to move out there after a year to try making things work, to give it a go, is a red flag, too.

I mean, if you want a real trial run of what a relationship should be (which is not and LDR ideally) and you're willing to go there -- but he just wants to keep it this way -- to me that's a bad sign and a black mark against him. He doesn't have to know whether or not he wants to marry you now! He doesn't have to know if this is the "right one" for him, but to keep you at an arm's length to figure it out runs counter to the purpose of your really knowing if you closed the distance, how you'd be together.

That to me is a sign that he's got one foot in this and one foot out. If he wants to give it a go with you to see, he should be wanting to give it as much of a go as you guys can achieve, to be together and then make up your minds. Long distance is not there as a buffer, it's there as a necessity a couple bears until they can close the gap -- and if one doesn't want to close the gap then that one isn't really serious about seeing what the full potential is. That's THE BIGGEST BAD SIGN HERE I THINK.

That, and that he's 30. When I read that, my eyes bugged out. That's the more reason why I cut him less slack to be this noncommittal.

He should commit himself to either crapping or getting off the pot, sorry to be blunt.

You shouldn't have to play aloof games to win his heart. No one should, really.

But since you're taking a break, that might be a good wake-up for him. I somehow doubt it. I think the ball's in his court with this relationship, and that's not very empowering to you. I think you should start thinking about whether it's in your best interests to be with someone who you click with and love and vice versa, but who doesn't want to take it a step further if the chance is there.

EXACTLY, tov... he said, "i don't want to get married and have kids"... what the hell gave him that idea!? I NEVER implied that. I don't even want to LIVE with him if I were to move out there. I just want to BE with him...

I mean, I REALLY feel like I put myself out there by saying I would relocate. I NEVER asked him to move here (god, I myself hate Michigan)....

That, and that he's 30. When I read that, my eyes bugged out. That's the more reason why I cut him less slack to be this noncommittal.

^^^I KNOW! grrrr.

I should add this thought, though:

I do think the way 2 people handle distance can make or break the overall feelings in the relationship. After my LDR, I came to the conclusion that if one person enjoys their freedom and is quite protective of it, this is going to come out as a big clashing point with the one who needs continual reassurance. And while both parties have legitimate needs, these needs clashing can become such a flashpoint of incompatibility, that the stand each takes gets more and more hardened; the one who wants the freedom becomes more and more invested in standing by that, and the one who feels insecure feels more and more cheated. So they start to polarize, and this makes each one (but especially the one wanting the freedom) more convinced that this is not something they can tolerate.

I think this is one issue that an LDR almost CREATES as a dealbreaking personality difference between 2 people. And it may or may not show up as an incompatibility later on, or in other ways, but I think it's the one issue that can make or break an LDR, specifically.

So if this is what might be breaking you two, after this "break" of a week, it might be good for you to talk about what your expectations are of eachother and face the hard facts of what each is willing or not willing to give/give up for making this continue.

But I stand by my earlier comment that it's a bad sign on his end that he won't do what's necessary to remove the obvious obstacle, the distance.

EXACTLY, tov... he said, "i don't want to get married and have kids"... what the hell gave him that idea!? I NEVER implied that. I don't even want to LIVE with him if I were to move out there. I just want to BE with him...

Okay, well then, he's plummeting down farther and farther in my estimation.

yeah, I understand what you're saying... I don't necessarily need constant reassurance... Really, it's when I'M stuck at home with my thoughts and he's out partying.

The partying is another issue... he's almost 30 and goes out almost every night. It wasn't that frequent when we first started dating.

See me and my boyfriend are doing fine with the distance, but we don't love it. We'd much rather be able to see eachother everyday and night like we used to. Except before we were so unhealthy that we were never not together, we barely had time for friends (he never did) I held of getting a job because of me, my gra.des dropped etc.

The distance creates the perfect balance, and ours really isn't that bad. I get to see him every couple weeks and in 2 yrs when I get my AA (less then that) I will be transfering to his school and moving in with him.

I guess we are only part-time LDR if we have a month period during December, a 2 week period during March, and 3.5 months for the summer to see eachother everyday and night?

We both are coping with the distance, but its coping because it's not like we love our freedom. True we have more time to focus on school work(which is the main focus) and for me to work, and be with friends. I go out MUCH more then he does.

He's 30 and goes out all the time? wow this guy sounds like a piece of work.

Ever since the school year started my boyfriend has gone out like twice. 2 concerts, and they ended at 1 am. He doesn't drink, so he got stuck taking the people that did home. and the band was a country christian band. Lol his fraternity has alot of very religious guys, it's academic based. And he goes to the home games (football) but the end at like 8 or 9 at night. Sometimes 6, so yeah he doesnt.

And I gave up all of my raving/clubbing for him. I was into that junk before. Out til 5 am, after parties etc. Yeah not cool.

You just need to sit him down and say how you feel!

Well, I've never been a partier, so I'm not into that anyways, that scene.

Why would his partying habits be changing, do you think?

I wouldn't really be keen on a guy who is partying stag when I'm his gf, but on the other hand -- if that's been a part of his lifestyle, and you're not THERE, I'd also say what else is he supposed to do? See, I don't think if one person is stuck at home the other should be, and not go out and have fun. Of course you should be communicating a lot, but if both of you have an evening to socialize and one takes advantage of it and the other can't or doesn't, I don't think that should be held against the one who does.

On the other hand, the nature of going out to party in my mind is to get a bit debauched by nature, so that's why it would bother me. And at his age, with a gf, it seems a bit...freewheeling as a lifestyle choice. Unless he's just with a lot of good mates and has a good head on his shoulders about how he conducts himself when he goes out. How he handles it and who else is involved at these events is everything, but often partying and "good crowd" don't go together.

I don't mean to make him sound like a bad guy. He isn't, not even a little bit. He's a great person. He's intelligent (got his Master's in June, the last time I saw him), loving...