jengh Posted October 28, 2008 Author Share Posted October 28, 2008 I trust him when he goes out. I had a little phase where I was having difficulty, but I DO trust him. I know his friends, his friends are good guys, some of which have girlfriends also. As for WHY he's been going out more... he's been going through some stuff, he's been kind of depressed... I think he's just channeling it through that. Link to comment
Rose21 Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 I guess he just needs to figure out what he wants then. Lol my boyfriend is 19, almost 20, and he has more of an idea and has a good head on his shoulders. Has good friends doesn't party or drink etc. He is a baby when it comes to his sleep, Im the night owel. Have you told him that this constant partying bugs you? Does he know how you feel about him not wanting to settle down? My boyfriend and I discuss the future. We know we want to get married, but no rush. Not until we are 25 because we te o want to get our masters. Mine in Criminology, his in Mechanical Engineering. I think it's weird how your boyfriend is as smart and loving as you say he is, yet he isn't ready to settle down at 30?! Wow...Thats strange. Link to comment
jengh Posted October 28, 2008 Author Share Posted October 28, 2008 I think it might be a cultural thing... someone mentioned that to me in the past. He's not originally from here... He knows EXACTLY how I feel and I'm SURE he'll read this thread (which I'm not too thrilled about, but I have nothing to hide, it's all stuff he knows...hell maybe he can learn something from it) Link to comment
Rose21 Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 Hmm okay then. Why does he not want to get married or have kids? I know me and my boyfriend wont be married before 25, but deffinatly by then or very soon after. I'm not ready to do that just quite yet. With the divorce rate now, it's muchh better to get a good education and a career before settleing in, that way you don't have the money issues. Although we will be living together in 2 yrs, but we'll be splitting rent. We wont be married. I can see us getting engaged then, or soon after and then staying engaged for 3 yrs or so. I'd be fine with that. But as far as kids go? I'm 95% sure I never want them. If I have ANY it wont be until Im atleast 30. Do you want kids? Because if you do and he really doesnt, or you want to get married now that could be a big problem. It's always good to be on the same page. Link to comment
babysunshine Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 Hey Baby Cairo, I was with my boyfriend for two years and then we did two years of Long Distance and I feel like your post is EXACTLY what happened to me. He is almost 27, I am 23, He loved me immensely and after one year of long distance I started the pressuring in asking "when can I move out to be with you" He would always say he didn't know if he was ready for that big of a step, and ultimately (since we broke up) he decided he didn't want that. From his side, he basically was not ready to have kids and get married (Hello neither am I) but me moving out there pretty much meant that would happen? I am very independent and make friends easily and assured him I wasn't moving out there solely for him. There were things in his city for me too. ( I could finish school there, great job opportunities) But he emphasized that it was a huge step and too much pressure tobe responsible for another person. I don't know if this helps you anyways but maybe your bf is thinking the same things??? Link to comment
jengh Posted October 28, 2008 Author Share Posted October 28, 2008 He was just referring to NOW, not wanting to get married and have kids. Well, duh. I'm 21 years old for god's sake. I'm not ready for EITHER. And I hate kids. I don't want them! Link to comment
Rose21 Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 Haha. I worked in a day care. Yea that was enough for me! I love kids, but not for me. I don't want to be with kids 24/7. If its for a few hrs, half a day to get money, fine! Other then that? noooo. Link to comment
jengh Posted October 28, 2008 Author Share Posted October 28, 2008 god... you've summed up the past year of my relationship to a tee... He seems to think that I WANT to get married and whatnot (come on now... I never implied that!)...He lives in the Bay area and I LOVE it there... I make friends easily as well.. I'm VERY independent... I would live ON MY OWN (might have to stay with him for a week or two but nothing more than that.. god, I stayed with him for 2wks this summer..but apparently that's different) Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 I trust him when he goes out. I had a little phase where I was having difficulty, but I DO trust him. I know his friends, his friends are good guys, some of which have girlfriends also. As for WHY he's been going out more... he's been going through some stuff, he's been kind of depressed... I think he's just channeling it through that. Well, I don't see anything wrong with that per se. And then this shouldn't be turned into an issue anymore. However, that comment about "I don't want to get married and have kids" totally jumps the gun and frankly, it keeps coming back to this, if you're in an LDR, to me that should be because of necessity, not choice. If he's choosing for you to stay your distance, that's a real problem in my mind. Why, if he loves you and you click, wouldn't he WANT you to be there partying (or doing something else) WITH you? What's the holdup for in his mind? That's on him. Link to comment
jengh Posted October 28, 2008 Author Share Posted October 28, 2008 ToV, I agree... and I've got nothing. No logical explanation. It's really frustrating to me. I guess only time will tell. Link to comment
babysunshine Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 I live in the bay!!! But yeah.... not saying yours will end up like mine did but it was the most stressful time in my life! He decided that at 27 he needed to start partying as well. That is so stressful in LD. Plus the time difference.... It's funny though because when he first moved away we both had the goal to reunite. It was mutual, then as time went by and the stress factors of LD, plus the fighting, and my pressuring ( I didnt feel like I was pressuring , I just wanted to know where we stood and to let him know I wanted to BE with him) I , like you was planning on not living with him because that would be a drastic change but getting some roomates, making friends, and living my life with him by my side. We had been together four years though and I think he just wanted to be free to do what he wanted.... So now he's almost thirty and parties every night. Woo-Hoo for him. Link to comment
jengh Posted October 28, 2008 Author Share Posted October 28, 2008 yeah, exactly... roommates, friends, independent life but being WITH him. the time difference is a real killer. Before I met him, I didn't stay up THIS late... but now, I just want to talk to him so I rearrange my schedule. Sigh. I'm too available. Honestly, if I moved there.. I wouldn't even want to live in the same city as he's in right now. I like Berkeley, he likes another. Link to comment
babysunshine Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 Yeah, it sucks huh? I mean I wasn't saying marry me and impregnate me and let me live with you!! Just wanted to be in the same city, hell the same state! But please learn from my mistakes and know that after I spoke with him he told me that the pressuring and the asking when I could move out there really stressed him out because he truly didn't know the answer. Not that you're doing that....yet =) And I think you should spend this week not talking. I never let my ex "miss" me a little. That's one thing I regret. He never got a taste of what life was like without me. Even now, 9 months after we broke up we still talk daily.... UGH. Link to comment
jengh Posted October 28, 2008 Author Share Posted October 28, 2008 ^^^yep, i know what you're saying... he's never had the chance to miss me... I mean, yeah, he misses me in a physical sense but I'm so readily available... I have a feeling he'll text me/IM me/myspace message/e-mail/call me to check in... I'm not sure if I'll respond.. I don't think I will... Link to comment
babysunshine Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 Well you guys decided on it right? Except he said he doesn't know if he will be able to not talk to you? Pleaseeeeeeee just do it. I can almost guarantee he will text/myspace/call/email/send a telepathic alert/ but just do it. Sometimes all it takes is a little bit of time for someone to truly see with their eyes clear. You seem like a great girl and those are hard to find and I got a feeling he just needs a mini- wake up call! Link to comment
jengh Posted October 28, 2008 Author Share Posted October 28, 2008 thanks, babysunshine... I told him he'd be hard pressed to find another girl like me. We have so much fun together. We have such an odd relationship. We're both EXTREMELY sarcastic people and like to poke fun at each other. Our personalities are SO similar... I'd just hate to see this relationship ruined. I would honestly be devastated. More so than any other I've been in (and I was in a FOUR year one). Thanks a lot for input. Going to try to get some sleep. Will check for more replies tomorrow Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 Jenny hon, I'm SO SORRY! (HUGS) Hopefully this will resolve it's self and work out. You know I am JUST STARTING a LDR and I KNOW it's very hard, but I haven't been in it nearly as long as you. Your post is my worst nightmare. I hope he comes to his senses and realizes all that he has with you. Like everyone else has already said, hopefully the time apart will wake him up to see all that he has to lose. Hang in there sweetie. ~Allie Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 I hope you feel better very soon. I would watch the feet not the lips here - what he is willing to give, what he is willing to do, to have you in his life. Also, consider that if you add up the time you've actually spent together in person it's not "that" long - so that might be the issue too, trying to cram getting to know each other into such a short time period. If I were him, i would have said "ok, move out here as long as we know that you're not moving out here just for me or with any expectations of a commitment from me." Would that be true? Would you be living with him? He might feel it's too much of an emotional burden on him for your to relocate, have to get a job out there, etc if he is getting the vibes that despite what you say, you would have expectations of commitment. I think it would be a bad idea to speak to him now - being attached is certainly understandable, but if you do you will not give him or you the space or time to experience life without the other and especially not give him the space or time to decide whether his feelings of love translate into the actions to show that love through some sort of further commitment - whether that is a commitment not to take you for granted, to have you move there, whatever. All the best to you....... Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 > I'm more than willing to relocate but he's not ready for that step and doesn't know if he will be. This would stop me in my tracks. Think about this for a moment... if someone really loves you and sees themselves in a relationship with you, wouldn't they WANT you around locally? Want to spend weekends and more time with you? If you are not insisting on moving in with him, just moving to the same town and he is still saying no, then that says regardless of the relationship you think you have with him, you aren't really his girlfriend, nor does he want you to be. Some people enjoy LDRs because it gives them total freedom while have unconditional support from someone who is at a distance so they can totally control the interactions with them. They have someone just a phone call away whenever they need them, but can then hang up and do whatever they please. No demands on them once the phone is hung up, they can even date other women if they want, do drugs, drink, whatever, and there is no way for you to find out because you aren't in the same town with them to check up on them. They can drop into your life every once in a while for a honeymoon type reunion with you, but otherwise, they are free agents 95% of the time. I speak from experience on this, where i had an LDR with someone who turned out to have a girlfriend in his own town, and lied about it to me. He did the exact same thing to me, where whenever I discussed moving to be where he was, he waffled and had a million excuses why 'now was not the right time'. He just didn't want to let me go, but he didn't want me to move where he was because i didn't fit in with his 'other' life i knew nothing about. So I think there's a good chance that your 'boyfriend' is either seeing someone else, or thinking about someone else, or just likes to party with his buddies and doesn't want a fulltime girlfriend in his town that he has to be accountable to. Otherwise he would WANT you to be there with him. Everything else he says is just a smokescreen, because honestly, who doesn't want the person they truly love close to them? So i know it makes you sad, but i think you have to cut him off entirely. Tell him very clearly that you either need to move there (and have him be fine with that), or else it is time to break up, and that being his emotional security blanket is not an option because it prevents you from healing and moving on. If he genuinely loves you, he'll agree that you moving is a good idea, and if he doesn't, then it is indeed time for you to move on. Link to comment
jengh Posted October 28, 2008 Author Share Posted October 28, 2008 Jenny hon, I'm SO SORRY! (HUGS) Hopefully this will resolve it's self and work out. You know I am JUST STARTING a LDR and I KNOW it's very hard, but I haven't been in it nearly as long as you. Your post is my worst nightmare. I hope he comes to his senses and realizes all that he has with you. Like everyone else has already said, hopefully the time apart will wake him up to see all that he has to lose. Hang in there sweetie. ~Allie Thanks a lot, Allie. I really do hope he realizes what he'd be missing out with me. I'm in such a daze right now I can't even focus. I hope you feel better very soon. I would watch the feet not the lips here - what he is willing to give, what he is willing to do, to have you in his life. Also, consider that if you add up the time you've actually spent together in person it's not "that" long - so that might be the issue too, trying to cram getting to know each other into such a short time period. If I were him, i would have said "ok, move out here as long as we know that you're not moving out here just for me or with any expectations of a commitment from me." Would that be true? Would you be living with him? He might feel it's too much of an emotional burden on him for your to relocate, have to get a job out there, etc if he is getting the vibes that despite what you say, you would have expectations of commitment. I think it would be a bad idea to speak to him now - being attached is certainly understandable, but if you do you will not give him or you the space or time to experience life without the other and especially not give him the space or time to decide whether his feelings of love translate into the actions to show that love through some sort of further commitment - whether that is a commitment not to take you for granted, to have you move there, whatever. All the best to you....... Batya, I would NOT be moving out there and living with him because I completely agree with you--we, in all actuality, haven't spent THAT much time TOGETHER physically. Trying to jump into such a major life change wouldn't be appropriate. And, you know, I've had dreams of living in CA my whole life. It's somewhere I've always pictured myself living, whether he be in the picture or not. I tried to tell him that but he didn't really buy it. > I'm more than willing to relocate but he's not ready for that step and doesn't know if he will be. This would stop me in my tracks. Think about this for a moment... if someone really loves you and sees themselves in a relationship with you, wouldn't they WANT you around locally? Want to spend weekends and more time with you? If you are not insisting on moving in with him, just moving to the same town and he is still saying no, then that says regardless of the relationship you think you have with him, you aren't really his girlfriend, nor does he want you to be. Some people enjoy LDRs because it gives them total freedom while have unconditional support from someone who is at a distance so they can totally control the interactions with them. They have someone just a phone call away whenever they need them, but can then hang up and do whatever they please. No demands on them once the phone is hung up, they can even date other women if they want, do drugs, drink, whatever, and there is no way for you to find out because you aren't in the same town with them to check up on them. They can drop into your life every once in a while for a honeymoon type reunion with you, but otherwise, they are free agents 95% of the time. I speak from experience on this, where i had an LDR with someone who turned out to have a girlfriend in his own town, and lied about it to me. He did the exact same thing to me, where whenever I discussed moving to be where he was, he waffled and had a million excuses why 'now was not the right time'. He just didn't want to let me go, but he didn't want me to move where he was because i didn't fit in with his 'other' life i knew nothing about. So I think there's a good chance that your 'boyfriend' is either seeing someone else, or thinking about someone else, or just likes to party with his buddies and doesn't want a fulltime girlfriend in his town that he has to be accountable to. Otherwise he would WANT you to be there with him. Everything else he says is just a smokescreen, because honestly, who doesn't want the person they truly love close to them? So i know it makes you sad, but i think you have to cut him off entirely. Tell him very clearly that you either need to move there (and have him be fine with that), or else it is time to break up, and that being his emotional security blanket is not an option because it prevents you from healing and moving on. If he genuinely loves you, he'll agree that you moving is a good idea, and if he doesn't, then it is indeed time for you to move on. The bolded part--you hit the nail on the head. That's EXACTLY how I've been feeling (not how I feel, but rather how I think HE feels). Honestly, I know there isn't another woman. We talk constantly. I even talk to his friends occasionally... he doesn't have time for someone else. I really do believe this deep down. But, at the same time, he's cheated in the past... I don't know. I haven't talked to him at all today. I went out to lunch with my girlfriend and we talked it to death. I'm feeling really lonely t hough. Link to comment
greywolf Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 I'm feeling really lonely t hough. I'm sorry Jen. The loneliness is the worst. But it'll get better. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 I'm sorry Jen. The loneliness is the worst. But it'll get better. easier to get over the loneliness if your honey is three time zones away IMO Link to comment
greywolf Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 easier to get over the loneliness if your honey is three time zones away IMO In a way that's true, because in an ldr you're used to missing your SO. On the other hand, in an ldr people have usually made such big plans for the future to some day be together. All those things just go down the drain. People in close relationships don't normally have a commitment like ldrs do. They just go with the flow of the relationship. Link to comment
jengh Posted October 28, 2008 Author Share Posted October 28, 2008 In a way that's true, because in an ldr you're used to missing your SO. On the other hand, in an ldr people have usually made such big plans for the future to some day be together. All those things just go down the drain. People in close relationships don't normally have a commitment like ldrs do. They just go with the flow of the relationship. Yeah, it's the future plans I keep thinking about...not at all easier than a close relationship--I've had my fair share. This is different. Link to comment
jengh Posted October 28, 2008 Author Share Posted October 28, 2008 sigh...i'm climbing the walls. Link to comment
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