Can men and women just be friends?

Featured Discussion, April 24, 06.

I used to think that men and women could always be friends without either one developing some type of feelings for the other one, but now I am not so sure. I do think that men and women can have the best intentions of being friends and all that, but both parties have to examine their motives as to WHY they want to be friends because if they have some sort of attraction for the other, then being friends will be hard, esp if the attraction is not requited. I am not saying that men and women CANT be friends, but it is hard not to let the attraction and feelings get in the way. I have a hard time with that, even with staying friends with my first ex and watching him find a new bf.

Yes, they definitely can. However, they both have to be on the "same page". If one has feelings above friendship, it makes it much more difficult to have a genuine friendship.

Due to my participation in a more 'male dominated sport' and the fact I have always been a bit of a "tomboy" and participated in many things most girls had no interest in, I have a few male friends, but they are genuinely friends. Some of them have partners, some don't, but there certainly are boundaries. We would not have sleepovers or anything! My boyfriend also has female friends whom he has met through his own interests. I have never had more then a friendship interest in any of these men, and maybe a couple of them had crushes, but in most cases we really were not each others "type".

I think it is important that if you are in a relationship with someone, you are open and honest about the friendships, and introduce everyone as well.

In my experience at least, I found that with myself and my peers, it was more common to have more "genuine" friends of the opposite sex as you get older, there could be many reasons for this, but it is just my experience anyway.

I too believe some people can be friends. I myself have a hard time with it. I seem to develop feelings and then I am the one dealing with the loss of a friend and a broken heart.

The only way I have been able to be friends with a guy is they are either my friend's husband or boyfriends or they are gay. I know that they are taken and that would be a line I would never cross with them. However, if the guy is not taken and we are friends I seem to blur that line on friendliness and attraction.

Yeah they can but sometimes the temptation is too strong that you get attached and develop feelings.

Here's my opinion...

I think its one of those things that they call a statistical anomoly (sp?).

On th whole, I think its possible - but in my little world of experiences, I've never seen it happen.

I tihnk its more like something that can and may have happened somewhere in time but the story of it is only shared amongst statisticians...

Before I use to think they can, now I'm not so sure about that. Was dating, first we were friends till yesterday, he's my b/f now and first.

I definitely think so. But I do agree that boundaries must be set, otherwise people might develop feelings and that could ruin the friendship.

Absolutely, yes. I've had far more male friends than female friends over the course of my life. For my part, there's been no pining away wishing for something more from them and, as far as they've told me, that goes both ways.

Summed up by the phrase my friend Ray & I used to say to each other..."I love you...but not like THAT."

I think it just depends on the kind of relationship the man and woman have with eachother. But I think that if they both find eachother sexually appealing there is always going to be more then just feelings of "friendship".

Yes and no.

Yes, men and women can be acquaintances, but not deep friends.

Usually one or the other can develop attachments beyond mere friendship. Like say you had a guy friend for 10 years, suddenly you break up and are looking for "a friend" for comfort, then your perception suddenly changes about your guy friend and he becomes a romantic possibility.

There is always that "possibility" between opposite sex partners (even married ones).

The sports friends are aquantainces. In my opinion they don't count. If you don't have one on one time when them, if you only talk about the sport in question. That's a different animal. Also some people can talk about "deep" topics but they would say the same things to a stranger anyway, that also is a different intimacy level for them.

Ladies, think about this, if you actually flirted with the "guy friends" you have, are you sure they would rebuff your advances?

So if I assume friendship is defined as a relationship of trust and confidence and sharing that you wouldn't share with just anyone, I think men and women can't be "just friends" for very long.

The sports friends are aquantainces. In my opinion they don't count. If you don't have one on one time when them, if you only talk about the sport in question. That's a different animal. Also some people can talk about "deep" topics but they would say the same things to a stranger anyway, that also is a different intimacy level for them.

Derek - I said I MET them through that as I have always been more of a tomboy and that is how I made many of my friendships through, but they became deeper friends. This is why I also discussed genuine friendship, and having some boundaries as well. If they were just acquaintances, I would not have emphasized so much the need for boundaries, honesty and openess with my partner.

They do count, as there is one on one time - we just met through shared interests - and we have one on one time both in that interest as well as outside of it.

Just because I met them through sports does not discount them as being friends

Usually one or the other can develop attachments beyond mere friendship. Like say you had a guy friend for 10 years, suddenly you break up and are looking for "a friend" for comfort, then your perception suddenly changes about your guy friend and he becomes a romantic possibility

For me, that has honestly never happened. I can say I have SEEN it happen, but it is not true in all cases. Of course there is a risk, just like there is a risk in a romantic partner deciding they no longer want to be with you. For some it's worth the risk, for others it's not.

Ladies, think about this, if you actually flirted with the "guy friends" you have, are you sure they would rebuff your advances?

Well, see I don't flirt with them though. I don't have that interest in them. As I said in my original post, I have had a couple friends whom did develop a crush on me, but in one case I cut off the friendship due to his actions, in the other he decided he could not continue as friends, however a few months later we reconnected and things were fine after that.

Not all friendships, even ones between same-sex's - are meant to last forever after all, maybe some of them have a finite ending. But I don't take that to mean from those couple cases thereforeeee the same holds true in every instance. Nor do I decide those are "failed friendships" persay.

Good topic!

Yes, I totally believe men and women can be friends. I have a few examples from my personal life. I grew up with several kids in my neighborood and there was one boy whom was in the same class and age as me. He did at one point have a crush on me in middle school but that faded away. There was no way in heck I would even think of him in any other way than as friend. He was like my brother.

Years later, at my first paying job, I was best friends with a guy. We had much in common and we laughed all the time. Again, ugh! No way....I could not even concieve being with him other as a friend.

I know of friends (my female friends) whom have friends that are guys and visa versa.

But here is the deadringer, I do not believe ex's can be friends. IMO, they are ex's for a reason. True, you can be on friendly terms with an ex (such as an ex spouse and the like) but no, not pals going out having coffee and such.

Good topic.

I think that of course it can happen, but it's not all that common, and whether it is feasible is heavily dependent on the personalities involved. Many people, if they are attracted to someone's personality enough to become their friend, and that person is of the appropriate gender for their orientation, can easily become attracted to them in a way that goes beyond friendhsip. I think that's natural, because at least one piece of the puzzle (ie, friendship attraction) is there. Some people more easily separate things out into categories than others, however, and can parse or compartmentalize their relationships more easily and effectively than others. It's a very individual thing, and I think each person has to evaluate for themselves, based on their own experiences in life, how well they can form friendships with people without being attracted to them in other ways ... some people can do it, and some people can't, I think.

But here is the deadringer, I do not believe ex's can be friends. IMO, they are ex's for a reason. True, you can be on friendly terms with an ex (such as an ex spouse and the like) but no, not pals going out having coffee and such.

 

Good topic.

 

Well, here I would slightly disagree. My ex-wife and I are still very good friends. We talk pretty much every day, and not just about issues relating to our son, but about everything from work, to politics, to books we're reading, etc. We don't have a romantic attraction to each other at all any longer, but we've remained very good friends on a broad number of levels. I think it's a very much YMMV area, to be honest.

I guess that is why I used the term "friendly terms" not necessarily acting like friends or doing things that friends do, like calling him/her up one Friday night and say hey, "let's go to the movies" or "hey let's go to the new dancing club I have been wanting to check out."

Oh that's true. We'd never be together socially like that ... it would be terribly awkward I think. I suppose it's more of an intellectual friendship at this point than it is anything else.

I know a guy who goes out with two women. He shows at parties or dinners with one as his date. They have a great time together and act like old pals because he was married to each of them. I like the guy, and suspect my ex is now going out with him.

Small world, ain't it?

sometimes they can. a very high percentage of the guys i've thought were strictly my platonic friends, have actually tried to initiate a more intimate relationship with me than platonic, so i would say it's rare. but i have had male friends, who actually just wanted to hang out and be my friend, without repeatedly trying for more. not many though.

Hey,

Interesting topic!

From my experience I have found that men and women can be just be friends. I have three girl mates and the rest are guys. I find it much easier to get on with guys.

I haven't ever felt as though I have had romantic feelings for them. Then again, guys at 17 (that I know) show a certain amount of immaturity so thats probably why.

I can't see a reason as to why men and woman can't just be friends, but I agree with the poster who said that their should be certain boundaries, otherwise you can complicate feelings.

Miya xx

Yes they can be friends....I have only developed more feeling for a girl once in my life, she was my ex, we were friends and then took it to a different level.

She tried the friends thing on me after breakup but i had to stop it, its just not possible to be friends again after being in a relationship. Talking about marraige, kids and stuff and then breaking up and then tryin friends thing, i don't find that healthy at all.

I have a lot of male friends who are purely friends. However, it seems that the moment I talk to them on a much more substantial and deeper level, one of us becomes attatched. This had happened to two of the closest friends in my life. They wanted more than friendship, but I didn't. After that talk, they felt it to be too uncomfortable to be friends with me any longer.

Ladies, think about this, if you actually flirted with the "guy friends" you have, are you sure they would rebuff your advances?

If the guy was completely straight, unattached, and available? Probably none. But then I am just too incredible to pass up. Come on.

I think it really depends. I mean, there have been straight, single guys who have never expressed any interest in me whatsoever. Then there have been guys in relationships that I've *known* I could have if I really wanted to. I find that some guys in relationships will just avoid me completely to 'avoid trouble' so to speak.

So there you have it. It really just DEPENDS on the unique situation.

Yes and no.

 

Yes, men and women can be acquaintances, but not deep friends.

 

Usually one or the other can develop attachments beyond mere friendship.

Ladies, think about this, if you actually flirted with the "guy friends" you have, are you sure they would rebuff your advances?

 

i agree with that, unfortunately there are a couple guys who i really do want to be friends with but they have made it crystal clear that they want to be in a relationship with me, one finally said, he just can't be my friend anymore. that sucks, but i respect that i guess.

BUT, i do have one male friend, who is strictly platonic with me. me and him used to drive around and get drunk, and listen to Rush, and The Scorpions, and a whole lot of other music, and we always had a good time. he didn't seem interested in me at all, he later married, then divorced one of my friends. he moved over to the coast a long time ago and i only get to talk to him once in a while. Yep he's one of the few real, close, platonic, male friends.