Can men and women just be friends?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

just speaking for my self, i am more comfortable being platonic friends with a guy than i have found most have been with me, as evidenced by the fact that they do usually indicate that they want more; whereas i'm perectly capable of spending time with a man and not developing those types of feelings for him (although the men who i am naturally attracted to, i am simply attracted to, regardless of amount of time spent).

 

I am more likely to want to discontinue spending time with someone who i think may like me, if i know i don't like him ('that way').

 

And I have found that men do not seem to be as prone to that same aversion.

[tylercdurden2004]

I don't think it has anything to do with the guys sexual orientation. it is just whether or not the guy allows him self to be driven by his little head and not the big one.

 

Well to be realistic you cannot control the feelings or the emotions "your little head" may give you but you can control the behaviours. Now can someone really be comfortable in a friendship where there is sexual desire. I dont see how it can be a true friendship if those feelings are always there. The person with the feelings will always have their advice,council and general ideas about the "friend", coloured by these feelings of desire. Can you truly trust someones input into the friendship if they are coloured by such feelings?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

no, i can't i would suspect ulterior motives... for much less cause.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Well to be realistic you cannot control the feelings or the emotions "your little head" may give you but you can control the behaviours. Now can someone really be comfortable in a friendship where there is sexual desire. I dont see how it can be a true friendship if those feelings are always there. The person with the feelings will always have their advice,council and general ideas about the "friend", coloured by these feelings of desire. Can you truly trust someones input into the friendship if they are coloured by such feelings?

If they are capable of controlling themselves and don't act like a sex craved lunatic then they shouldn't be penalized because they feel sexual urges. We all experience sexual desire, whether or not we act on it is determined by your maturity and self-control. I find several of my male friends attractive, but I don't want a relationship or sex from them, I do want a relationship and sex, but from someone I care about beyond that of just friendship.

[tylercdurden2004]

If they are capable of controlling themselves and don't act like a sex craved lunatic then they shouldn't be penalized because they feel sexual urges. We all experience sexual desire, whether or not we act on it is determined by your maturity and self-control. I find several of my male friends attractive, but I don't want a relationship or sex from them, I do want a relationship and sex, but from someone I care about beyond that of just friendship.

 

Its not about penalizing them. Nor is it about acting like a sex crazed lunatic. As for me if a friend who happened to be female had feelings for me I would feel that the "impartiality" would be eroded. Could I talk to them about, say a relationship, openly and would they respond in a manner that didnt suit their interests I dont really think so. As for maturity I dont really think that has anything to do with normal feelings, yes acting in a way that is disrespectful to the other person can be immature, but again feeling colour everything we see. I myself couldnt trust someone who had feelings for me to be without some vested interest inthe outcome. To me its a conflict of interest and depends on what level of friendship you are looking for.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Its not about penalizing them. Nor is it about acting like a sex crazed lunatic. As for me if a friend who happened to be female had feelings for me I would feel that the "impartiality" would be eroded. Could I talk to them about, say a relationship, openly and would they respond in a manner that didnt suit their interests I dont really think so. As for maturity I dont really think that has anything to do with normal feelings, yes acting in a way that is disrespectful to the other person can be immature, but again feeling colour everything we see. I myself couldnt trust someone who had feelings for me to be without some vested interest inthe outcome. To me its a conflict of interest and depends on what level of friendship you are looking for.

 

I agree with that. a lot of guys have told me they just wanted to be my friend, but then keep trying to manipulate me into things that are more than friends, it's kind of easy to tell, and i often feel like i cannot even accept any offer of assistance from them (ie, help move something heavy, kill a spider, fix my car, etc), because they will say something like i can go out to dinner with them in return, or something like that, and IF i don't like the guy, then i'd rather just pay a professional or leave the furniture where it is and leave the spider where it is too!

[itsallgrand]

Well, there are all sorts of situations of male friends that have worked for me. Of course some don't work.

*gay men

*older men who see me in a 'grand-daughterly' way, or in a 'daughterly' way

*men who simply are not attracted to me, for one reason or another, or who might have some attraction yet never let it get in the way or show it

*men who i have been attracted to physically in a way, and who have been attracted to me; but bc we know each other so well the level shifts to 'sisterly' 'brotherly' love...can talk about sex the same way we'd talk about making supper.

 

Maybe all male friends who are in range do get some sexual arousal at some point, I think I've probably crushed on most of the guys i've got lasting friendships with, but it passes and isn't an issue. It's a respect of each other as humans first.

 

Men will never be friends the way a woman can be with another woman; but who would want it to be otherwise really.

same goes for men with their male friends.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

yeah, but it kinda sucks when you've made it crystal clear to a guy that you are just not interested, and it's never gonna happen, and he keeps acting resentful, because to his surprise you are holding true to your word and not dating him. I don't think giving someone a guilt trip for simply not being attracted to you is respecting that person.

[itsallgrand]

I hear you, teddybear. Sorry, I wasn't directing my post at you: just happened to be writing at the same time you were!

 

It does suck when that happens. Not very 'classy' on the part of the person doing the pushing and guilting. Unfortunately, it happens sometimes. ick.

[monsieur]

bottom line is, it seems to be common to find women that say they have 10 good male friends, but very uncommon to find men that say they have 10 good female friends.

 

So it appears that there is a big imbalance of expectations and motivations that may or may not be clearly out in the open.

[monsieur]

yeah, but it kinda sucks when you've made it crystal clear to a guy that you are just not interested, and it's never gonna happen, and he keeps acting resentful, because to his surprise you are holding true to your word and not dating him.

 

 

But don't you see that you are rejecting him, you are basically judging him as being faulty, or inferior, basically unworthy of any kind of emotional bond from you, even though he sees you as completely worthy of the same. It is hard to fault him for feeling some resent, as you are saying he is worthy of a lesser type of bond being friendship, but due to him not having the magic qualities you are requiring for more, he is relegated to an unrequited status, unworthy of your devotion or love. And to think you are critical of his feelings of resent! How do you think he feels deep inside???

 

And don't say that tired line of 'just because I am not attracted to him doesn't mean he is faulty or unworthy' because it does mean that, if he had the magic quality you were looking for, he would be worthy. By virtue of the fact that you are not attracted to him means he is lacking in something that would be the spark that attracts you.

[itsallgrand]

monsier, I really disagree with you.

 

Friendship is not 'second prize'. In fact, in order for a woman to be friends with a man over a long period of time, and for it to work, the man has to be worth his salt. It's harder to find friends in this world than love-interests. A friend is a friend to the end

 

It's natural that sometimes one 'friend' (male or female) may develop a sexual or romantic interest for the other.

It's how it is dealt with. I mean, sometimes you don't choose who you will fall for.

But if the person is your friend, and your interests are politely declined, it is dignified and appreciated to step back ....and not to guilt the other person for not wanting more.

 

just my thoughts

[monsieur]

I agree with you that 'guilting' the other person is wrong.

 

But I find the 'friendship' thing doesn't really work as you described.... it is more where the relationship starts out as having potential, the woman decides she is not interested, then turns the guy into a 'friend'.... it is a complete rejection that can't be taken any other way, but most of us guys will go along with the friendship thing because we want to be around the girl that we desire, even though our psyche's are very damaged and our subconscious mind mulls over the feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness over and over again.

 

So 'friendship' is in no way a higher order than the love interest.

[tylercdurden2004]

monsier, I really disagree with you.

 

Friendship is not 'second prize'. In fact, in order for a woman to be friends with a man over a long period of time, and for it to work, the man has to be worth his salt. It's harder to find friends in this world than love-interests. A friend is a friend to the end

 

It's natural that sometimes one 'friend' (male or female) may develop a sexual or romantic interest for the other.

It's how it is dealt with. I mean, sometimes you don't choose who you will fall for.

But if the person is your friend, and your interests are politely declined, it is dignified and appreciated to step back ....and not to guilt the other person for not wanting more.

 

just my thoughts

 

Yeah and it all depends on what people are referring to when they use the term friend. Do people really mean drinking buddy? Work out partner? Confidant? There are so many types of relationships that people generalize as "friends". I mean I have had an ex tell me the person they were attracted to was just a friend! This discussion will only go in circles unless people actually define what they consider friends. A daunting task me thinks, but simplifying by generalizing the term friend doesnt really cut it!

[Kevin T]

Interstingly, I said no. Mainly because I've always been on the end of the stick where the girls I knew wanted to go out with me, but I just didn't feel 'that' way about them. It happened on several occasions a couple years ago with different girls from church and work, and every time I had to turn them down, I felt terrible. I felt bad for having to reject them and I felt bad and embarrassed for them, too.

 

So from now on, I just avoid girls I am not interested in, even if they try to become my friends, simply out of concern for their feelings. I don't want them to think I'm leading them on or that I like them in 'that' way when I don't. It sucks so badly having to hurt people... good, decent people, just because you are not interested in them romantically. I always lost their friendships afterwards too. Sucks.

 

So I reiterate: No, girls and guys cannot be just friends. At least, not for me.

[itsallgrand]

Definetly need a strong definition of friend! agreed.

 

*Using the term 'friend' for someone you are trying to bag - NOT a friend!

lol

 

yet hear it all the time. Even hear people using 'friend' for people they are banging!!

 

well,...don't know what to say about that. I'd consider that a lover.

[tylercdurden2004]

Definetly need a strong definition of friend! agreed.

 

*Using the term 'friend' for someone you are trying to bag - NOT a friend!

lol

 

yet hear it all the time. Even hear people using 'friend' for people they are banging!!

 

well,...don't know what to say about that. I'd consider that a lover.

 

He he he you said banging, filthy commode mouth!

 

Yes there is no point even arguing this when people have different definitions of what they define as friends. Some people use the term looser than others.

[Tropigal30]

I am friends with guys I find attractive (or I would not hang out with them) but for some reason I do not fancy.

 

Like they are not my type, or are too selfish, or drink too much.....

 

For relationship you should not settle for anything less than butterflies.

 

Wait, so you wouldn't be friends with a guy you find attractive?

 

Wow!

 

 

 

I understand what Midgi is saying, I was just about to post a similar thing.

 

Any real friendship generally develops when there is an attraction of the minds and personalities. Same sex or opposite sex. thereforeeee it is only natural to feel attracted to male friends. It depends how objective you are about this attraction as to whether one day you may develop this attraction to a sexual level and get intimate with that person.

[Jhodas]

I think men and women can be friends. I also agree that there have to be boundaries set. However, if you really are 'friends', and neither of you feel anything beyond that, these boundaries can set themselves in a way. I also agree with tropical, there is an attraction of some kind. Attractions are not always sexual (although they may begin like that and evolve into someting different).

 

I have a large number of female friends, all of whom contributed to helping me get in touch with my feminine side (the journey towards which is by no means complete, or even advanced). These are people I care about for who they are. Some I find physically attractive. Some I find more emotionally attractive. None of them would I try to forge something sexual with, or even want to.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I hear you, teddybear. Sorry, I wasn't directing my post at you: just happened to be writing at the same time you were!

 

It does suck when that happens. Not very 'classy' on the part of the person doing the pushing and guilting. Unfortunately, it happens sometimes. ick.

 

oh, i know itsall grand! u got my back, right?? no, i was just making a sort of general statement.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I agree with you that 'guilting' the other person is wrong.

 

But I find the 'friendship' thing doesn't really work as you described.... it is more where the relationship starts out as having potential, the woman decides she is not interested, then turns the guy into a 'friend'.... it is a complete rejection that can't be taken any other way, but most of us guys will go along with the friendship thing because we want to be around the girl that we desire, even though our psyche's are very damaged and our subconscious mind mulls over the feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness over and over again.

 

So 'friendship' is in no way a higher order than the love interest.

 

i'm not sure where you get that all frienships start out as having potentional, then someone decides they're not interested. that's just not true. I've got friends who i was never interested in romantically in the first place, (those are my girlfriends), and some guys too. and if things go along and he stays and un-romantically interested in me as I am in him, cool. Both the boy and the girl have to be interested to make a spark, get it?

 

i really think you're screwing up your own psyche, too, it's kind of disrespectful of you, actually, to go around laying blame on women who have done nothing but make the mistake of being nice to you, don't you think?

[monsieur]

Some I find physically attractive. Some I find more emotionally attractive. None of them would I try to forge something sexual with, or even want to.

 

But what if the girl is so extremely attractive to you, that you find her to be the most attractive girl you have even seen in years, the most. Would it still be possible for you to handle a 'friends only' relationship with her?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

But what if the girl is so extremely attractive to you, that you find her to be the most attractive girl you have even seen in years, the most. Would it still be possible for you to handle a 'friends only' relationship with her?

 

sheesh if you can't handle it then leave the poor girl alone...does she have to deal with all that?..sheesh!

[tmp0620]

There's a girl that I'm CRAZY about. I would much rather be her friend than not know her at all. CRAZY...almost literally.

[SxcLady]

My ex's were the same ... and they were male! I wasnt allowed to have male friends! But they could have female friends. I didnt mind until (with my recent ex) he started constantly calling one girl. And he just said that they had become good mates. Then he had a "Fight" (?) with her and found a new "best mate" which just happened to be his ex of 3years! I was so angry and told him i didnt want him to talk to her anymore (i mean i had just given up friends of 4years+) and he wouldnt. We had a fight but didnt break up or anything. Then I busted him a few weeks later in the city with his ex... arms around her and everything. IMO people who wont let girls have guy friends or guys have girl friends ... are hiding something. I mean yes ok if they are not ex's but when it comes to ex's it depends on whether i trust them or not. Just My Opinion though.

 

Love SL.