monsieur

I know if I am into a girl, there is no possible human way I could be too busy to call her. No matter how busy a person is, they still make time to eat at least once a day or whatever. Do you really think it is possible to be so busy that you can't spare 30 seconds for a phone call?

I had money, lots of it, she had none.... I would pay for any casual acquaintance in the same circumstance, let alone a girl I completely adored. I wouldn't dream of letting her pay. She did offer to pay many times, but I wouldn't allow it. If you had lots of money and a good friend was on a tight budget, wouldn't you pay? For me it is a natural.

I added stuff to my last post before you read it, so look back at my last post again. I did all kinds of stuff, fixed things for her, took her out for dinners, bought gifts, drove her places, brought food over when she was sick, etc. etc. etc..... basically everything you would do for a real girlfriend, or a really really good friend

Well, I'm moving away to get myself away, unfortunately my heart will probably continue longing from a distance, even if there is no contact, but I have to get away at the very least.

She never made me do anything, but I did everything I ever could for her. I feel like a blip in time because I filled her need when she was lonely, or needed help, or needed to talk, etc. etc..... then all of the sudden I find out that she has got a boyfriend now, she never even told me about him, I found out from another friend, so I can only conclude that she was using me and I still don't know exactly why she never told me about the other guy, maybe fear that she couldn't use me anymore? I still don't know. I feel really bad inside about the whole thing, it hurts but also feels very unsettling, it scares me in a way that there are people like this out there in the world, and it scares me more that I can have such pure love for someone like this that is no good for me at all, yet I would still melt for her if she ever asked me too. I feel nervous and vulnerable, and very much unsettled inside. I am so honest, and always was honest with her, and believed the same of her, only to find out that she would deceive me in the end when it suited her purpose at the time. Maybe in her mind the 'deception' was justified to protect my feelings or something like that, I don't know. The biggest thing that hurts was I gave my all, I was there for her, and she rejected that and chose someone else. It would have been much better if she had rejected me from day one, but to let me be a friend and get close to me only to choose someone else to be really close to, after the fact, is a really hard thing to swallow and has really shattered my internal confidence about myself.

well, grymoire, I hope that your story ends up better than mine, maybe she will one day decide that she now wants to be in a relationship and then tells you that you are the one she chooses..... I fear that women don't operate that way though, and the only thing that would change her mind is a completely new guy altogether... at least that is what happened with me, we hung around a lot, she contacted me like crazy, but she was not into a relationship, said that she wasn't hardly attracted to guys at all, maybe once in years, then all of the sudden she ends up with a new guy so the story changed and suddenly she is into being in a relationship, it just wasn't a relationship she wanted with me... friends only, nothing more

and, sad to say, prepare for the day when she suddenly changes her tune about not wanting a relationship and you find out that she has been seeing a guy for weeks but didn't tell you about it because she 'wanted to spare your feelings' it seems to me the pattern of using an excuse

Damn, I still get a major lump in my throat and chest when I hear from a friend that she went someplace with her new guy or introduced him to her other friends and stuff, things that I wanted to do with her, but she is now doing with someone else and that is what she wants, I was just a mere blip in time that she used to fill her time when she needed to for a short while. Why do I still feel so physically sick inside when I think about her, I still care so much. aggh

hate to generalize, but it seems that way I've been bf/gf with girls that I got in with early with booze involved and sex before we even hardly knew each other, and on the other side, girls that I really thought the world of and spent the time to get to know and treated like gold I ended up getting the "friends only" speech.

hey, it was just an innocent question, I don't know all the mysteries of the chemical processes that go on in the human body, did you know that there are actual brain chemicals that can determine whether one "loves" or not? chemicals that can fluctuate and can be affected by certain drugs as well.... so my question is not that far fetched, our actions are definitely influenced by chemicals and hormones in our bodies, so we may be more receptive to advances at different times based on what is happening hormonally in our bodies And, in fairness to my question, the only reason that this even came to my mind was my girl friend told me that it was that time of the month for her, and that she often finds all the men that are around her at that time to become extremely irritating... so it was definitely her observation of her own emotions around her cycles that made me wonder

I thought about that but just the sound of her voice on the phone and I melt and am right back in a trance. Funny, I have gotten so much attention from other women lately, if I had half a brain and confidence and no one-itis.... And here I am back home now thinking about the girl that doesn't want me instead. Thanks to all of you that had advice for me and all, I appreciate it, but I think I am a hopeless case as I hear what you're saying and know the path I take isn't the best one, but I'm a fool with my heart, so I continue on.........

I'm in my 30's (I know, I was supposed to learn how to be strong years ago, but really, age is just a number, I have the same feelings inside that I had when I was younger) She sent me a really nice goodbye message and I hate to admit how emotionally weak I am but tears just started flowing.... it is good that I am moving, she has so much power over my emotions, and I know it is not her fault and she doesn't want that power, but that is the way it is so I must move away to try and distance myself. That also is something that makes it harder, I am older and more experienced, so when I say that she is truly one of a kind and special, it is not inexperience talking, I have been in many relationships and this girl is like something I've never experienced before.... the only problem (and it is an insurmountable problem) is that she has no romantic feelings for me in return.

Actually, you did get through to me somewhat, and Dogg, you were very helpful.... it still can't change the emotions I feel deep down, but I am leaving her and moving on, at least geographically, although knowing myself well I know in 6 months I'll still be wandering the grocery store late in the evening as my night out and with a sad twinge in my heart thinking of her and what I had hoped it could have been but never was.

1. offended, said that she never gave me any indications of attraction so how dare I think that she was attracted (in my mind I was completely attracted to her and I think she gave me even more indications of attraction then I did, but I am on the subtle shy side of things) 2. distanced for a day or two, then an email explaining a bunch of mumbo jumbo about 'attraction' and then saying that she was only even contacting me because she valued my friendship and wanted to remain friends 3. never did 4. I think she would let me go, she broke up with a long term boyfriend (2 years) last year and went completely NC on him, never even told him herself, she got a friend to relay the message to him that it was over and then she trashed his emails without reading them and never did talk to him, take his calls, or listen to his phone messages. She can turn off any emotional attachment at will it seems, so that is part of the reason I was so desperate the whole time. 5. Yes, friends-wise we are back to exactly the same as we were before. It is killing me inside. I go over and over in my mind the things that make her so unique that I have never found and will never find again, things that are so important and perfect for me, she is one of a kind, special girl, I fear every other girl will never measure up and will be a compromise, which would make it even dishonest for me to occupy a new girl's time and heart when I know I will always long for this girl.

yep, straight up is the only way, and DON'T add in the little extra comments that you think will soften the blow.... when a guy hopes with all his heart his mind will dwell on the nice words and you will be inadvertantly leading him on... it is just the way it is

ok, but 'should' and the reality of what happens alot are two different things If the girls want to continue with the 'soft words' and semi-ambiguous language, then that is their choice, but the way many guys will take that is not in doubt, and even if it is totally logically their own faults for having very hurt feelings, the fact remains that their hurt feelings are true

You are looking at it from the wrong way. Put yourself in the shoes of someone that is wanting someone with all of their heart, if you don't use completely blatant language, their hearts will have hope and will lead them in the direction of hope. "Softening the blow" is always a bad idea, if you throw in ambiguous language, the soft heart with hope will always cling to the tiny bit of hope that your softening words give them. How can you blame them... when their heart wants nothing more than to be with you, you have to be very careful to not lead them on at all. "Softening the blow" is actually cruel in the long run.

I guess I flubbed the 'definition', but I still disagree that love is about 'possessing'

It's tough, because some will just use whatever excuse they can find rather then be up front too....... wait it out, but if she starts to find new excuses after the thesis is done, then I would run away for sure, if you can.

love is not about 'possessing'.... love is about loving and being loved in return

all the best to you too, grymoire.... and thanks Sarah too! I went out for dinner with her tonight and we hugged goodnight after, it is so hard, I am still crazy about her.......

thanks Yin, I know what you are saying, and I try to believe it alot of the time, it's just that deep down my mind keeps coming back to it and I just know that if something was a little different about me or the way I acted that everything would have turned out well. It is hard.

ok, met a girl, lots of common interests, got to be friends over a few months, went out or hung around at her place couple times a week, email every day, went on that way for months, if I tried any little physical things like rubbing her neck when she said it was sore she would kind of draw back a bit, but I shrugged it off because I asked her and she would always have an excuse like her head was aching so the rubbing wasn't helping, or something like that... just enough of an excuse for alot of things that the excuses made sense but now looking back I thing she was not being totally honest in an attempt to spare my feelings or something (don't think she was purposefully leading me on, even though that is what basically happened).... when I finally did come right out and tell her I was hoping for more than just friendship she freaked out and got mad and said "never" etc. I was crying I was so upset, and worried that I had ruined everything and lost a friend too, but things went back to friends mode, but she seemed a little more distant than before, but not distanced enough to not keep me totally interested still. Well, lately she found a new guy she met through a mutual friend and they are boyfriend and girlfriend, so I am left wondering where I was deficient, why was I good enough to be used as a friend but not more. She won't even be honest with me and let me know and take me out of my wondering misery. The rejection is destroying me. She always gives a vague answer (more of the dishonest trying to spare my feeling excuses) about attraction and all that crap, but if a person is attracted enough to make good friends with someone and hang out with them very often and in the beginning stated how handsome and attractive they were, there had to be something wrong with me that ruined it. I wish I knew, as I am now suffering extreme rejection and feel unable to go out into the world without expecting to be rejected again. (she still wants to be friends with me)

Well, I fell head over heels for her before she was ever in the unattainable or unavailable categorisation. We hung around a lot, I got more and more attached, I let her know I wanted more (by that I didn't mean sex, I meant mutual love and closeness etc.) , she freaked and said she only liked me as a very good friend. I was already sure she was the one before she rejected me, and being rejected hasn't changed my feelings for her. We are going for dinner tonight, my heart is heavy though, I will probably be bad company because my feelings are so hurt deep down. I'll try and fake it though, but I fear that even our friendship is doomed because I can't get over the rejection, I play it through my mind every waking day (even dreaming), I wish she would just tell me why, she gives vague answers about attraction, but I know there must be something more that is wrong with me, I just wish women would be honest and giving enough to tell us what it is rather than keep it a secret trying not to hurt feelings, because not knowing hurts my feelings just as much.

Have you ever met and been involved in some way with someone that is just so perfect for you in every way except they don't want you? Someone that you are attracted to so extremely in every way, mind, body, soul, personality.... where noone else possibly measures up in your mind. Where you can meet really attractive nice girls and yet you can't get any enthusiasm at all because they are not her? I have been getting in random conversations (for example, 2 different hot girls started to chat with me yesterday, all smiles, I was just minding my own business) with extremely beautiful tall smiley friendly intelligent girls alot lately, but all I do is compare them to her in my mind and really have no desire to hook up with them. They are not her. I am so much an opposite to the typical stereotype of a guy wanting to get with every attractive girl he sees, I have no desire at all to do that, I just want to love the one girl I am crazy about, no other girl can possibly do. I am screwed. I think I have been ruined for life for any other relationships, I am completely stuck on the one that I can never have. I really don't have any desire to try.