Angel, the first thing I see when I read this is self-esteem issues. As Hope75 has suggested, a professional may give you a non-biased outlook on the situation. They are trained in everything from confidence to psychotic episodes - so there's bound to be help in there somewhere!
As for people thinking you're mean: So long as YOU feel comfortable with SOMETHING, screw the others.
Underneath it all, you sound like a determined young lady. As you say, you're trying. Just don't give up. The grass isn't greener.