Lansing Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 I went out on a first date with this girl last week.... Yes, I invited her, so I guess my default I am "expected" to pay. Normally I would not go out for dinner on a first date but because of circumstances instead of just a "drink" (as I normally would do it) we got together for dinner... Well, we have dinner, bill comes, she makes NO effort to even pay her half or anything. I was thinking , "hmm, that is unusual" (I have never had a girl not offer before). Then, we go out for a drink after. I am surprised she doesn't offer to pick up the cost of the drinks (or her half either) and it just feels like an akward moment..... As a guy, I feel much better when the girl offers and I can say "no, no, I got this one" instead of the girl just letting me pay without offering (first time this has happened so I didn't have anything to compare it to before!). She wasnt' even very thankfull (I don't recall her being overly thankfull or if she even said "thank you for the dinner" at the end of the date or anything... It makes me hesitant to want to call her back... in all honesty! So, for girls who wonder if they should offer to pay, etc,etc.. yes, you should.. and yes, you should mean it! (I.e. if he agrees to take half payment or partial payment don't get annoyed by that!). I am curious to hear from a women's perspective. Link to comment
sara_0562 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 I find this part of dating the worst. I always feel akward when the bill comes. I always offer to pay... but usually dont really mean it. I think for the first few dates the guy should pay for sure. I guess im old fashion that way. After that and once a relationship starts i think both should make an honest effort to share the costs of dates. Or who ever makes more money (ie. if someone is in school or lost there job) should pay most of the time. I think after the inital akwardness of dating has passed communication should be key when deciding how things get paid for. Link to comment
Iceman26 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Well, the first date I wouldn't expect her to offer to pay for anything, but if you didn't get a thank you I'd probably be a little miffed were I you. If you had a good time on the date, go out with her again and see what happens. If you end up going out with her frequently and she doesn't offer to pay then I would either bring it up with her or date someone else. Link to comment
Parsley Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Eurgh, I'm a girl and that annoys me. It's just rude! I definitely wouldn't expect a guy to pay. In fact...I think every time I've been in a situation like that I've already got my purse out to pay before they say that they'll pay. And I always feel a bit guilty. Especially if it's too late to make it cheaper, lol. She didn't even thank you?!?!? Don't persue it. Taste of things to come and all that jazz... Link to comment
jengh Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 At the VERY least, she should have offered to pay the tip and buy you a drink or three later on. I think it was very rude that she didn't so much as OFFER. I suppose the fact that you asked HER out and not vice versa led her to believe you should be the one to pay. I feel like whoever asks the other out on a first date should be the one to pay. However, I also feel like the other should offer to go dutch treat. Wow, what a brat for not even thanking you...... Link to comment
darkpumpkin Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 lol I was taught from an old school and the perception is that the guy pays. If I was invited out for dinner I would assume the person was going to pay unless it was discussed that we were going dutch. I don't like the guy always paying. I got into fights with the boyfriend over it but I was told by many that if he invited you out then he's willing to pay. I don't know. To me you should have made it clear at some point that you wanted to go dutch. Then again if I was her I would think "why would this guy invited me out for dinner just so I could pay?" Link to comment
rocio Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 I don't think there is a written-in-stone social etiquette for this kind of thing. The bottom line is that some people (girls and guys) prefer for the guy to pay. If that's not your style, then you don't need to pursue her. Link to comment
darkpumpkin Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 great point hazey amber! Link to comment
longhaircats Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 I always offer to pay, but it would be nice if a guy pays on the first date. It makes us feel more special. I will def pay for drinks after meal though because I don't want to be a free rider. I have a female friend who is kinda stingy, and her stinginess gets me and other friends sometimes. Of course she expects a guy to pay for evetything on a date. If I were a guy, I would not want to date this type of women. Link to comment
Iceman26 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Lansing, on a side note, one thing I always did was keep the first date under $40. That way if the date is a bust or you don't get along with each other you aren't out too much money. Link to comment
jengh Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 ^^^ That's a great idea, Iceman. Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Although issues like this can be annoying I use her offer to pay or her lack of an offer to pay as and indication of the kind of girl she is. I have had dates where I felt that the girl was inconsiderate because she did not offer to pay for any portion of the date. I automatically excluded these girls has having any dating potential and just left them to being social invitees. Now matter what you have to draw a line in the sand whatever you belief is about paying or offering to pay because these small things set the stage for the relationship. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 First, I think the fact that she didn't give a sincere thank you is almost worse - maybe even worse! - than not offering to pay. Date or not, if someone pays for you you show appreciation! I typically offer to pay my share or treat to dessert if we go out after, etc - but here are examples of when I don't: If the first date is just coffee and I order just plain coffee or a soda ($2 at the most) I feel that offering is almost insulting to the guy, so I don't but I still say thank you and I mean it sincerely. If he for a first date suggests a fancy restaurant that I would not otherwise go to I sometimes do not offer to pay half but I will pay for my own taxi even if he offers and I will offer to treat to dessert or a drink if we go to a second place. My feeling is that if he picked an expensive place (and I am talking $150 per couple and up) without asking me anything other than if I like that type of food, then he should pay. Same if he goes out and buys theater tickets (although then I will offer to treat for dinner before or dessert after). I have at times suggested that we go to a more moderate place if I will feel uncomfortable that he is spending that kind of $. I most likely would not see a person again - friend or date - who did not express appreciation for my treating them to a meal. Link to comment
Lansing Posted February 12, 2007 Author Share Posted February 12, 2007 See.. the thing is... every other part of her personality would lead me to believe that she is not materialistic and would have offered to pay. Like I said, I don't mind paying... but, I feel much better about paying if the girl "offers" to pay and I have to say "no, I got this one" or whatever... My point was, if I a girl doesn't offer to pay... and I pay..... I don't feel as "good" about having paid.. if that makes sense... Link to comment
rocio Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Just because she didn't offer to pay doesn't mean she's materialistic. I wouldn't have offered and I'm not materialistic. I'm independent and hard working. The fact that she didn't thank you makes her seem ungrateful. But not materialistic. Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 My point was, if I a girl doesn't offer to pay... and I pay..... I don't feel as "good" about having paid.. if that makes sense... If you just want to vent about the issue that is fine but if you are that bothered by it then your actions need to be consistant with your feeling that you did not feel "good" about having paid. As was mentioned before her not offering to payi has nothing about being materialistic. However if you dont want to put up with it then dont, otherwise you are saying that you just want to vent about it but you arent willing to act consistant with your feeling. Link to comment
Grosse vache Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 She might have had past experiences where she's ended up paying for everything and is so fed up with that, that she wants to be spoiled now. I've had that experience, where boyfriends have just freeloaded off me (because I'm an idiot and let them) and now if I get asked out and go on a date I've decided that I'm not going to pay a penny. Not on the first date anyway. Edit: Although I wouldn't go on a first date that involved food (a guy watching me eat....I couldn't think of anything worse thanks) so it probably isn't that a big deal. Link to comment
Lansing Posted February 12, 2007 Author Share Posted February 12, 2007 What I am saying is I am not going to jump to conclusions about whether I date her or not based on this one thing. I will give her another chance and see how she acts on a second date.... I am not saying she has to pay....Just her reaction when the bill came out made it feel weird for me. Maybe because it was teh first time it happened to me. I think my lesson learned is that I am going to stick to more of a casual first date.. I.e. just a drink, or coffee in the future... As for her not saying thank you.... Yeah, that is what bugs me more... But, I have had situations where I have forgotten to thank a friend even for taking me out to dinner only to realize in our conversation,etc I didn't formally thank him.... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Just because she didn't offer to pay doesn't mean she's materialistic. I wouldn't have offered and I'm not materialistic. I'm independent and hard working. The fact that she didn't thank you makes her seem ungrateful. But not materialistic. I agree with this. My boyfriend and many of my friends have allowed me to treat for dinner and other events -- never thought of that as "materialistic." As far as forgetting to say thank you, see if she remembers and mentions it next time or in an e-mail. On the few occasions I have forgotten or the goodbye was too rushed to say it I have followed up later. Link to comment
EvaGina Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 I went out on a first date with this girl last week.... Yes, I invited her, so I guess my default I am "expected" to pay. Normally I would not go out for dinner on a first date but because of circumstances instead of just a "drink" (as I normally would do it) we got together for dinner... whoever invites, pays but that said, if he pays for dinner, Ill pay for coffees, or vice versa. and thats only for the first date, after that, its dutch if you end up going out, then it tends to even itself out Link to comment
Northalius Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Especially since you invited her on a date, you should pay. I don't see the sense in that. He invited the girl, but she accepted! thereforeeee, it's a two way street! If someone invites you to rob a bank, and you accept, does that mean the person that invited you goes to jail, and you go free, just because they invited you? Nope. You took on full responsibility by accepting their offer, in return. The guy asks the girl to marry him, but does that mean he pays for everything in the marriage? Does that mean it's up to him what things will happen? No. It's a two way street once the girl says "Yes!" So, I respecfully disagree with that line of thinking. If you've seen my posts in other threads on this subject, you'll see I'm not extremely expecting the woman to pay half, but for her to be willing to; then I'll be nice enough to pay all, by her intent that inspires me to do so! Not simply because I'm the guy! Not simply because I asked her out. It doesn't work that way, unless you specifically discuss this before it goes down. If a girl asks me out on a date, I'd be totally disgusted with myself if I expected her to pay for everything. No way, not on my watch. I'd respectfully and glady pay half. That's just how I am, and that's just how I'd expect a girl to be with me. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 If a man invites me out on a first date I expect him to pay. Having said that, most of the time I offer to pay my way or treat for part of the evening other than the exceptions I posted above. It's an invitation and thereforeeee it's presumed the inviter will treat. Link to comment
Lily04 Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 I always offer, even on a first date, although I secretly expect he will pay on the first date. Second, third, fourth are different. The first three I appreciate if the guy pays, however. Link to comment
g1234567890h Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 My girlfriend and I get into little arguments about who pays. I always want to pay because I have a job and I'm the guy. She always wants to pay because she has a job and her family makes more money than mine does. I'm a preschool teacher so she feels really guilty when I take her somewhere nice. She paid half on the first date and then let me pay for the second date. We payed half on the third and been paying half ever since except for a few times when she treated me because it was from a gift card. Link to comment
lifestream Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 I agree with this line of thinking. It is a weird thing in our culture, for girls to be asked out and men to foot the bill. I personally think that if women want equality, then give them equality! No free passes! I know I'm coming off as a bit blunt, but there's no reason why I should pay for everything simply because I have a penis. I'm all for the notion of equality, and this is one of the aspects. I'm not saying I'm selfish here, but at the very least the girl should offer. I'm more than happy to treat my friends every now and then to let them know I appreciate them. But if it's not reciprocated, it does get frustrating, the same goes with dating. Besides, I want to know that I can spend time with another person and not have to pay for their time. I want to know that we SHARE time. And that also means at the very least the gesture towards sharing the bill. Link to comment
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