Inappropriate friendships?

[Gmarx]

I’d like to get someone else’s perspective on this. I just started dating a woman (4 or 5 dates) and am concerned about certain friendships of hers. I don’t consider myself a jealous person or anything, but perhaps this is me.

 

She is still best friends with her ex of a year ago. They dated for three years, broke up (she said she just fell out of love with him) but remain best friends. They talk every day or every other day. The also still get together on a fairly regular basis. She also admits that he is still in love with her.

 

The other seemingly inappropriate friendship is a good friend who is married. They call each other, he stops by her house, fixes things for her etc. She tells me she feels sorry for him. He has 5 kids and a bad marriage that he talks to her about. She also admits that the guy is attracted to her, but she keeps him at arms length. The woman I’m dating has never met his wife. I doubt his wife knows about their friendship or their visits.

 

The woman I’m dating comes accross as a very kind, empathetic person. Nevertheless, even if everything is completely innocent in both friendships they seem inappropriate.. (Especially the second)

 

Should I voice my concerns, run for the hills, shut up and stop being concerned, or wait and see

 

I’d love to hear what you think?

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone. Me, personally? I would run far far away. I wouldn't stick it out. I am fine with friends of the opposite sex, but by her own admission, her ex is still in love with her, and she is friends with another man but hasn't met his wife. It sounds like she likes having tons of male attention, even if she isn't going to act on it. I think these are warning signs. Maybe she is trying to show off to you "how desireable she is, all these men want her."

 

yeah, I am not a jealous person, but I would be very suspicious. and if you've only been on 4/5 dates, you're not too attached, so you can just walk away. I sure would....

[cantexplain]

Wow. This woman could be a very skilled predator.

 

I don't know, you could just go with the flow and see what happens. Compromise is fine ... BUT whatever you do never give up what you want.

 

Sort of sounds like a vampire to me.

[Jeffrey2095]

It sounds to me that, even if nothing ever came about from these other friendhips that it would put an unhealthy amount of pressure on the relationship.

 

You will always be stuck in this quandry maybe.

 

Personally, I would definitly voice my concerns... I mean, they sound like very close friends...

 

It would sure make me uncomfortable.

 

Good luck, best wishes and welcome to ENA.

 

Jeff

[annie24]

I have nothing against opposite sex friends. I am fine with them and I have a ton of male friends myself. But, if I invite a male friend over to my house for dinner, I always extend the invitation to his gf also. In fact, I have wound up becoming friends with my male friends' gfs.

[itsallgrand]

Blinking.

 

What's the deal, chamomile, that ain't right.

 

I can only imagine your face when this woman who you are freshly dating told you that she is best friends with a man who is in love with her.

Then, (hope you weren't eating when she told you) when she says she is a close secret friend to a married man with a full brood of children.

 

Eeeks! She is either lying because she is horribly insecure, or she is telling the truth.

Either way it is weird.

[Dako]

This woman must expect you to accept these odd friendships and the risk of her involvements. Seems like a tall order.

 

I'd consider her admission of these friendships as a way to distance herself from you. You might be just a friend, too.

[J6hn]

I think you should ask to meet them.

Just so you can basically show them you're dating her and they're not.

Put them in their place and they will back off a little bit, enough to give you atleast some peace of mind.

If you get to know them and become friends, gain their trust, you should feel a lot more secure.

[DN]

For a very new relationship this is too problematical. Best to walk away now before you get too involved.

[meohmy]

Run...or else your always going to be stuck in it all..

[J6hn]

For a second consider yourself in her shoes.

 

Would you want to see someone who you haven't know for that long who disapproves of the greatest friendships in your life.

Perhaps you're the one doing wrong here. Talk to her.

[Gmarx]

Thanks to everyone for their responses. I appreciate all of them!

[Batya33]

since you are not exclusive yet I don't think it's your business to question her about her friendships. Sounds to me like she enjoys the attentions of men who are attracted to her which is a bit troublesome. she might also like the drama of it. As far as her being a good/nice/helpful person, if you've only known her a month then you need to wait and see if over time you still feel the same way. I don't think it's so "nice" to have a close personal friendship with a married man where the wife is not aware of it.

[cantexplain]

For a second consider yourself in her shoes.

 

Would you want to see someone who you haven't know for that long who disapproves of the greatest friendships in your life.

Perhaps you're the one doing wrong here. Talk to her.

 

 

I don't think it is being judgemental of her that counts in any way here, yes, just wondering if these are red flags at worst, or feeling his own way to a place of comfort pursuing her romantically, at best.

[Gmarx]

Well,

 

My doubts from my original post have been realized. After listening to your concerns regarding my involvement with this woman, and the fact that they mirrored my own, I did end things. My primary concern was with her friendship with the married man. Unfortunately, I backslid and started seeing her again a few weeks later and we’ve been dating for the last month. The interesting thing is I still had my doubts, but didn’t listen to what my intuition was screaming at me the whole time. I was getting to the point where I was going to have to end it anyway, citing my inability to trust her. I would have felt HORRIBLE about this because I had no *proof*, just a persistent doubt. Well, I crossed an integrity line last night, and it’s going to be a demon I’ll always have to live with. It’s hard to even admit this, but I took a look at her txt message history on her cell phone while she was occupied and it cleared things up for me once and for all. The married guy IS NOT JUST A FRIEND. I hate the fact that I did what I did and as I said, I’ll have to live with that. I don’t believe the ends justify the means, but nevertheless, I’m glad I know now.

 

Thanks again for everyone’s responses. I should have stuck with my initial assessment of the situation. We live and learn!

 

 

Take care,

Gmarx

[ghost69]

i read the first line of your 2nd paragraph. eeeht eeeeht. buzzer went off. red flag. no go in my book. friends with the ex and makes it apparent to someone she is dating. a big C YA from me.

[Dating Coach]

welcome to enotalone. Me, personally? I would run far far away. I wouldn't stick it out. I am fine with friends of the opposite sex, but by her own admission, her ex is still in love with her, and she is friends with another man but hasn't met his wife. It sounds like she likes having tons of male attention, even if she isn't going to act on it. I think these are warning signs. Maybe she is trying to show off to you "how desireable she is, all these men want her."

 

yeah, I am not a jealous person, but I would be very suspicious. and if you've only been on 4/5 dates, you're not too attached, so you can just walk away. I sure would....

 

Agreed. These are Red Flags because of the amount of male attention she keeps for herself from these guys who are attracted to her. Every experience I have ever had with a girl whom kept a bunch of admirers around never turned out well.

[Dating Coach]

For a second consider yourself in her shoes.

 

Would you want to see someone who you haven't know for that long who disapproves of the greatest friendships in your life.

Perhaps you're the one doing wrong here. Talk to her.

 

When you get older you will probably have gone through a few girlfriends who have a bunch of admirers like this girl, and you will likely be singing a different tune when you go through the drama that follows this situation.

 

I have no problem with male friends. My fiance' had a few when we started dating but they eventually grew apart. However none of the guys she talked to had a crush on her as far as I knew. When the guy is crushing on the girl and she keeps him around all of the time despite being in a relationship with another man... that's just wrong IMO.

For one, for the "friends" sake she needs to cut him loose so he can go focus on a new girl, one he can actually date. If she's not doing this then IMO it says a lot about her character. It either shows a selfish side where she could care less about what's healthy for the guy and only about how having an admirer makes her feel, OR she's actually messing around with the guy on the side.

Secondly, it's not a good way to establish trust with a new boyfriend when a woman keeps around guys that are fawning over her. Not only that but IMO it also shows either immaturity OR a lower interest level in the new boyfriend... since wouldn't a girl not want to risk sending the wrong signals to a budding relationship if she really liked the new guy? If she could care less then that too is not a good sign.

[Siriana]

Well, I crossed an integrity line last night, and it’s going to be a demon I’ll always have to live with. It’s hard to even admit this, but I took a look at her txt message history on her cell phone while she was occupied and it cleared things up for me once and for all. The married guy IS NOT JUST A FRIEND. I hate the fact that I did what I did and as I said, I’ll have to live with that. I don’t believe the ends justify the means, but nevertheless, I’m glad I know now.

 

Take care,

Gmarx

 

You did the right thing. Screw morals, really!

Such people are liars so you need to believe in goals justify the means.

I would do the same. No need for fake moralism. Whene in doubt - thats your subconsious telling you something.

I would feel great if I were you - that was the best way.

[Dating Coach]

I just now realized that this was an old thread.

 

To the 16 year old who started bagging on us for reading her "friendships" too deeply... now you see why experience in this game rules out. We were right.

[Siriana]

I agree and it goes both ways.

I knew a guy who had this urge to be friends with his ex-es (all of them).image removed selfish looser.