Read Her diary

[bitterbear18]

My ex left me the keys to her place to look after while she is overseas.

 

After breaking up in December, we haven't contacted each other until the end of Jan when she fell sick and I had to take her to the doctor - she had tonsilitis/glandular fever.

 

Things backtracked and ended up going back to how they were, but I was feeling uncomfortable about the "relapse" and I guess I was looking for a reason to end it once in for all. We had planned to meet up overseas but I wasn't too keen on it.

 

Yesterday night I went through some of her stuff and read her diary from last year, finding out she was cheating on me for a good part of our relationship. Figuring I have some sort of conscience I know that I shouldn't be snooping around, but in finding this out I'm stuck in a bind.

 

I plan to return the keys to her parents, and text her to tell her they have the keys + it's best we not see each other anymore.

 

What should I say in the text?

 

BB

[EvaGina]

Tell her honestly what you did and what you found out.

DONT pull the "reading a diary isnt as bad as cheating" thing, apologise sincerely for invading her privacy, tell her you werent happy in the relationship and your hesitation about (what you amusingly call) the "relapse"

 

You shouldnt have been with her anyway, but tell her what has happened and that you are not going to be continuing the relationship.

 

Edit: a text is not the way to go

[robowarrior]

Well lets put it like this, its going to be war once she finds out that you been reading her diary.But since its over anyway, just say i read your diary and the parts on how you cheated on me , then when she starts a frenzy say ' we have nothing more to discuss and throw the phone on the hook.

[shikashika]

Do you believe the diary is true? could she be elaborating in her diary.. for lots of people diary is just an outlet...

 

cheating is bad... but yeah snooping on someone like that come pretty close IMO

[bitterbear18]

i would say the diary is on the mark.

 

had good things and bad things about me.

 

what concerns me is she was running parallel relationships.

 

snooping is messing with my conscience, i can't say that i delighted myself in reading it.

 

it helped piece together a lot of things which i had gut feelings about tho.

[isidore]

Well at least you've been able to see through this that you can trust your gut feelings and thereforeeee in the future, if the opportunity should arise, you won't have to snoop again.

[Rabican]

i would say the diary is on the mark.

 

had good things and bad things about me.

 

what concerns me is she was running parallel relationships.

 

snooping is messing with my conscience, i can't say that i delighted myself in reading it.

 

it helped piece together a lot of things which i had gut feelings about tho.

 

At least you dont have your head in the sand anymore bro, better off for you in the long run. In your case, dont think of it as snooping... its more like reconnasaince.

[puppeteer]

Do you believe the diary is true? could she be elaborating in her diary.. for lots of people diary is just an outlet...

 

cheating is bad... but yeah snooping on someone like that come pretty close IMO

 

snooping when you have doubts about someone you care about is in NO WAY EVEN REMOTELY CLOSE TO CHEATING.

 

if you have doubts about the relationship, and your SO clearly isn't giving you the full story....snoop. you deserve to know the truth.

 

if they wont tell you...find it by any means necessary.

 

you deserve the truth.

[starlight]

I don't have much to add except I TOTALLY AGREE WITH PUPETEER.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

you already had doubts, and now you have confirmation that she is not someone you can trust in a long term relationship...

 

i'm not a big fan of snooping, unless you have some nagging suspicions that won't go away that something is not right... that is your intuition talking, and a form of self protection.

 

you probably should just tell her what you found, and that you are not interested in a relationship with her anymore, had your doubts, now they are confirmed, end of story... she may try to deny it, but usually when someone is totally busted like that, they acknowledge it, but may try to plead with you... so if you really want out, just tell her the truth why, and tell her its not negotiable.

[lunatic]

snooping when you have doubts about someone you care about is in NO WAY EVEN REMOTELY CLOSE TO CHEATING.

 

if you have doubts about the relationship, and your SO clearly isn't giving you the full story....snoop. you deserve to know the truth.

 

if they wont tell you...find it by any means necessary.

 

you deserve the truth.

 

I agree with Puppeteer on this one too. You have to right to know what she is doing behind your back. Plus what if she brought home a STD from her promiscuous behavior? I would be mad to have to stoop so low but, relieved that I know the truth.

[Mr. Brightside]

I agree... if there is even a chance that cheating occurred, she has put you in physical danger (regardless of the emotional trauma you must endure). Snooping is OK in my book as long as it isn't "looking for problems." If there is a reason (i.e. your gut is telling you something isn't right) then I think it is justified.

 

I will admit I looked at my SO's diary AFTER communication with her ex started and was getting steamy. I needed to know exactly how far things had went to keep myself sane. She would only divulge what I could find out for myself. Cheaters tend to do that and justify it to themselves that they do not want to hurt the person they are cheating on. However, the people that are being cheated on actually hurt MUCH WORSE with having to pull information out like needles in a haystack.

 

I would NOT tell her. You don't owe her a thing!!! You found out what you needed to know because SHE LIED TO YOU BY NOT TELLING YOU. There is your justification. You've just saved yourself months of investigation and heartache by reading the source rather than pulling information out of her. Kick the relationship to the curb where it should be. Move on and get someone that truly cares about you. Good idea on giving the keys to the parents and getting out. Trust me... from someone who went through a VERY similar circumstance...

 

Just tell her you've decided it's a no-go and have a good life. You don't need to justify yourself to someone else, especially if they have lied to you about something so horrendous.

[bitterbear18]

thanks guys!

 

i'm off to hongkong and thailand in a weeks' time so plenty of time to kick back and start enjoying life.

 

i felt so relieved when i handed the keys back, bittersweet as it is to find out that way, the last 11 months has been a lie.

 

this has happened to me before so i could sense a lot of things being amiss. i'm glad it's come to a conclusion tho, if i had this drag on it would have killed my confidence and trust in future relationships.

[Rabican]

thanks guys!

 

i'm off to hongkong and thailand in a weeks' time so plenty of time to kick back and start enjoying life.

 

i felt so relieved when i handed the keys back, bittersweet as it is to find out that way, the last 11 months has been a lie.

 

this has happened to me before so i could sense a lot of things being amiss. i'm glad it's come to a conclusion tho, if i had this drag on it would have killed my confidence and trust in future relationships.

 

good for you bro, you wouldnt happen to need someone to carry your luggage around on your vacation would you?

[JimmerJammer]

Ya something like "It wasn't right of me to snoop around your apartment under the guise of our loving one another and you trusting me. I've envaded your privacy and it was obvious that something was kept from me with good reason and that what comes next would be inevitable. I'm taking this as a clear sign that this isn't going to work out between us and I've had my doubts already for some time and this only confirms them. Don't try to talk me out of it as I've made up my mind. I wish you all the best and I have left your keys with your parents. Take care."

 

Its short, sweet and lets her know where you stand. Best of luck.

[Northalius]

At least you dont have your head in the sand anymore bro, better off for you in the long run. In your case, dont think of it as snooping... its more like reconnasaince.

 

Yep. strategic reconnaissance.

 

If you had good reason for it, then I see no harm in doing so. Do not feel so down on yourself, please. Especially finding out she did cheat on you. Your reconn. mission was like a tiny spec compared to the relationship crime that she committed.

[Northalius]

snooping when you have doubts about someone you care about is in NO WAY EVEN REMOTELY CLOSE TO CHEATING.

 

if you have doubts about the relationship, and your SO clearly isn't giving you the full story....snoop. you deserve to know the truth.

 

if they wont tell you...find it by any means necessary.

 

you deserve the truth.

 

Agreed 100%

 

To compare mere snooping, especially WITH GOOD REASON BACKING IT, to cheating? I'm sorry, but that's just insane! lol :splat:

[SarahRose]

I wouldn't say a word about what I found. Just end it if it isn't already. You did say she was an ex. Get yourself tested for stds too.

[antibarbie]

To the people that said that snooping is in any way comparable to cheating; how important is it to be able to ride a moral high horse, even if it means that you are risking wasting your time and love on someone who doesn't deserve it? Wouldn't anyone want to know the truth before you invest yourself any further into a relationship, especially if you have doubts? Unequivically, the best way to find out if someone is being honest with you is to get information from a source in which they have no motivation to lie. If it were you having your privacy invaded, how would you feel?

 

I don't fancy the idea of someone reading my private thoughts, but if my SO did, I could get over it. I love him and I have nothing to hide. I would hope that by taking a peek into my more private things he would be able to understand me better and feel comforted that I'm not deceiving him in any way. The only things that I am not open with are things that might hurt his feelings, but if he were to snoop that is the risk he would be taking. A blow to the ego is not as bad as not knowing if you are making a huge mistake with your life.

 

As a guideline in life, don't make a permanent record of anything anywhere, internet, diary, letters, anything that can be dug up much later in time, unless you first consider that one day someone might find it. Don't think it's safe because it's password protected, or locked up, or whatever. Things have a way of coming out in the wash and usually when you least expect it.

 

I write this right now, knowing that there is always a chance that my boyfriend could find it and find out that I've been talking to strangers about personal problems. I don't think he would like that I've done it, but I'm not sorry for anything I've said. I have to do what I have to do to make myself happy and work through things.

[bitterbear18]

50 missed calls and a multitude of messages later she finally worked out what was going on.

 

Being dishonest, deceitful and secretive

v.

Finding out the truth through reading a diary

 

How can the first not clearly outweigh the second? She finally worked it out for herself that I'd read her diary and justified by responded saying that I wouldn't understand, that I wouldn't believe her and she was determined to make '07 a clean start and make it work.

 

I'm just glad we're not in the same country at the moment and I'll be on vacation very soon after. The thought of me not finding out and then returning to more of the same is actually quite disturbing upon thought. I'm glad it's been resolved of swiftly.

 

Not saying anything would prompt her to be all over me like a rash when I'd return from holiday, so it was best to set it out like I did, in a non-malicious way.