antibarbie

It makes sense to me that someone that had resolved their situation wouldn't be hanging around a place that is for people in process of resolution. But after reading so many threads, it appears that there are plenty of people that resolved their problem by leaving the person that they were with and they still stick around. I don't understand the disparity. It truly makes me wonder what the statistics are like for people sticking together or splitting up. If what I perceive on these forums are an accurate representation of what happens when an infidelity has occurred then the outlook is very dismal. As a society, do we just give up to easily nowadays? With more and more serious relationships not under the bonds of marriage, do we not feel the same sort of reverence for our commitments in or out of marriage? Because it is so easy to walk away, compared to say fifty years ago, without any social stigma are we just avoiding the real issues? There is never an excuse for infidelity, but are we ignoring that there may be reasons why the person cheated? Don't get me wrong, there are some people that are just rotten and you shouldn't bother with, but are good people that have done some bad things getting thrown out with the wash? I'll say American culture because that's the only sort I can speak on with authority. American culture is becoming characterized by blame shifting. On a much more superfluous level, blame shifting is the reason why my hair dryer comes with a warning not to use it in the shower. Because someone might sue that company for an injury that they could incur due to them being dumb. If you are trying to dry your hair in the shower, you're stupid and completely to blame for whatever happens to you. It's easy to completely blame the cheater. It's convenient and feels validating. You were wronged, that makes you that good guy, right? They messed up and you can feel like you have the right to absolve yourself of all of your previous relationship sins in the glaring ugliness of their big screw up. But is that right, or fair? It doesn't mean that you should blame yourself for someone cheating on you, but you should assess your part in the relationship and whether you have been doing your best to make it work or not. If you mull it over and feel that you really have done your best, then by all means, ditch that loser you're with. But if you haven't, then you have a lot to think about. Could some relationships work if we, as the person who was wronged, could have the humility to admit that there might have been things that we could have done better? For me at least, I think that is where forgiveness lies. Or if I find that I cannot forgive the trespass, then I will have peace of mind knowing that I did what I could and the satisfaction of becoming a better person.

This is a fairly long thread and in all of the discussion I don't remember you mentioning that you love her. I could have overlooked it, and I don't want to go back and reread the whole thing. Do you love her? Maybe you don't.

To the people that said that snooping is in any way comparable to cheating; how important is it to be able to ride a moral high horse, even if it means that you are risking wasting your time and love on someone who doesn't deserve it? Wouldn't anyone want to know the truth before you invest yourself any further into a relationship, especially if you have doubts? Unequivically, the best way to find out if someone is being honest with you is to get information from a source in which they have no motivation to lie. If it were you having your privacy invaded, how would you feel? I don't fancy the idea of someone reading my private thoughts, but if my SO did, I could get over it. I love him and I have nothing to hide. I would hope that by taking a peek into my more private things he would be able to understand me better and feel comforted that I'm not deceiving him in any way. The only things that I am not open with are things that might hurt his feelings, but if he were to snoop that is the risk he would be taking. A blow to the ego is not as bad as not knowing if you are making a huge mistake with your life. As a guideline in life, don't make a permanent record of anything anywhere, internet, diary, letters, anything that can be dug up much later in time, unless you first consider that one day someone might find it. Don't think it's safe because it's password protected, or locked up, or whatever. Things have a way of coming out in the wash and usually when you least expect it. I write this right now, knowing that there is always a chance that my boyfriend could find it and find out that I've been talking to strangers about personal problems. I don't think he would like that I've done it, but I'm not sorry for anything I've said. I have to do what I have to do to make myself happy and work through things.

I had hoped that there would be more responses. Thank you to the two that did respond. I am sad that there are not more people that have some sort of story where people stay together and end up happy. I'm sure that it is the exception rather than the rule, but someone? Anyone? It's good that people have somewhere to go to get the encouragement and support to walk away from a relationship that is damaging, but is there nowhere for someone like me? As for my status on the situation, I am doing well; we are doing well. I am pleasantly surprised that when I work really hard to curb my obsessiveness and paranoia I'm pretty happy. And it is obsessiveness and paranoia, at least partially, because I get all out of whack over much smaller things than this also. I've finally taken responsibility for my part of our relationship and it's success or failure. It would just be really helpful to know how someone else has dealt with that little nagging voice in the back of one's mind whispering what-ifs and ruining things when they are genuinely good. It's hard to let go, but I don't think it's impossible. I'm terrible of letting go of anything. I wish someone had some sort of advice for me.

It's possible, but I wouldn't hold your breath. For your sake, you shouldn't contact her. Whether she contacts you or not will reveal more clearly how important you really are to her life. Move on, don't put your life or your desires on hold so she can figure things out. Maybe she has figured it out and is trying to let you down easy. Carrying a torch for her will only prolong your recovery process.

You talk like there are male reviews all over the place that women could just go to whenever they want. I live in Phoenix where there are TONS of strip clubs, but I only know of one male review. Usually a city doesn't have any and might have a special "Ladies Night" every once in a great while. Women don't really have the chance to just hang out at a stip club that caters to them, so you can't compare her habits to his. I don't like my boyfriend going to strip clubs either, but I don't want to go to a male review because I don't think I would like it. The idea of a muscle bound man waggling his penis at me makes me a little uncomfortable and beyond that I think it's pretty silly. If I were going to go somewhere like that I would have to be doing it to get back at my boyfriend, because I have no interest in going just for the sake of the experience. You can't accurately judge everyone's intentions based on a message on a forum. To FCTex, So what if she's insecure? What if the reason why she doesn't want you going is because she feels bad about herself? You suggest making her feel guilty and forcing her to accept your habits and making her deal with them even though she has declared that she doesn't feel comfortable with them? Does she not deserve to be accepted the way she is, even if that means accepting that she is insecure? If the ability to go to a strip club without worrying about being in trouble when you get home is so important, then dump her instead of giving her grief that will extend much longer. If you love her the way she is, then deal with it and try to help her to be happy and comfortable in your relationship and maybe one day she won't care if you go to a strip club because she will know that she is the only one for you. Or if she doesn't become okay with it, maybe your effort will make your relationship happy enough that the choice between going to a strip club and your girlfriend is an easy choice to make. Also, I don't think it's cheating, I just think it's a crappy thing to do.

Punch 'im. Sometimes violence is the answer. :silly:

I recently found out my boyfriend had an emotional relationship with another woman. I was devastated. We've both had our failings, rather similar to your and your wife's just on a smaller scale. I'm having a hard time dealing with it, and I have to feel like the bad guy because I have to deal with my past (as in before he did what he did) indescretion being thrown in my face to justify what he did. Because it's not sex, he thinks it's not as bad. Because I messed up, I am privy to some understanding of how something like that could happen, but I feel like what I did wasn't worse than him just different. Here is why; the word cheat means to take something away from someone who it rightfully belongs to. You are cheating your wife out of your love by dividing it between two people. Sex should be an act of love, but it isn't always, but there's no way to explain to someone else that a sexual slip up may not be motivated by love at all but rather an emptiness caused by a lack in the current relationship. That is not an excuse. Both acts are reprehensible. But from my perspective, the emotional cheating was the worst thing he could have done to me. I would have been terribly upset if he had had a sexual encounter with someone else, but the reason why would be because I would have the fear in the back of my mind that he felt love for that person, not because of the sex. I feel cheated because he gave his love to someone else when he should have been giving it to me. At the time that it happened I was giving all of my love, physical and emotional, to him. I had my whole heart in my relationship and I deserved the same in return or else the freedom to search for someone that would be willing to give me what I needed. When you feel content in your relationship with your wife, you will be able to have relationships with other women that fulfill the small things, like someone to go to the movies with, without feeling "love" for them. When your love with your wife is complete, the rest is just details.

Of course the theme of this forum is not very condusive to cheerfulness. I'm here looking for hope though. Right now, I don't want to share my whole story. I don't want any advice really. I've already made up my mind about what I want to do so it so it wouldn't really make any difference. So anyway, the point is does anyone have any stories about how they have successfully repaired a relationship after an infidelity? My particular interest is finding out from people that were cheated on, how they were able to move on, but I would appreciate anyone's perspective. Is there any bright side? Is there anything that came out of the horrible experience that had a positive effect in the end. I really want my relationship to work. The crazy part of me is still all freaked out and paranoid, but the sane part of me knows that with nearly complete certainty it is over, and it ended before I found out about it so that means that he chose me without being forced to. I want to believe that everything will be okay because it appears that his brief emotional relationship brought him to the conclusion that what he really wants is to be with me. The really hopeful part of me wants to think that maybe we have an even better chance of making it now (our relationship has been a bit up and down) if he has resolved his doubt about whether this is what he wants in the long term. Is there any possibility that this could happen? Am I dreaming to think that in spite of how much it hurt both of us, we could actually have a stronger relationship, after I have the time to recover and assuming nothing else bad happens?

I'm not very good with words when it comes to comforting people sometimes. So, *HUG* There really isn't anything more that can be said that will make anything any better. But you can know that there are people who sympathize. My story has some similar themes and it saddens me that another person would have to feel like I have. One of the biggest differences in our stories is the ending. I know you don't want to lose your husband, but alternately if he did chose to stay with you after all this had happened that would be awfully hard too. Best case scenario, none of this would have ever happened in the first place, but if we are looking at the hypothetical possibilities from this point, would any of your other options really make you happy? Right now I am trying to deal with repairing a relationship and it's scary. There's so much doubt and insecurity lingering, I wonder if it can ever be back to the way things were. If your husband did want to work it out, do you really think you could? I'm on these forums right now because I am trying to figure out how I can or if I should get over the betrayal of trust. Many days I think it would be easier to just scrap it. You sound like a wise, level-headed lady and you deserve someone who will appreciate your intelligence and your beauty. You deserve someone who wants to be with you more than anyone else on earth. You deserve to love with confidence. I hope one day that I can handle such emotionally catastrophic situations with the grace that you have shown on this forum.

I applaud you for ending the relationship. Reading your post breaks my heart though. I may not be the girlfriend of the man you were seeing, but I might as well be because I have to pick up the pieces of my relationship after finding out that my boyfriend met someone online and had an emotional relationship with her. You make so many excuses for yourself and especially for him. He told you that his relationship wasn't going well. Which obviously it wasn't otherwise he wouldn't have developed a relationship with you. When you meet someone online you only get to know what they want you to know. You don't know why his relationship was as it was. Anyway, why should you feel so sad for walking away from a relationship with someone who doesn't even have the decency to walk away from his existing relationship when he has already decided that it was doomed? Would you want someone to do that to you? Do you honestly think that he would become a different person by being with you? He deceived his girlfriend by becoming involved with you, who's to say that he wasn't deceiving you in some other way at the same time. You saved yourself a lot of trouble by not letting it go any farther. You should feel good and proud of yourself for not allowing yourself to hurt yourself and others any longer.