The whole hoo-ha about "finding" love...

[Baby Carrot]

"Love lift us up where we belong"

"All you need is love"

"I was made for loving you baby"

"I'm gonna love you forever"

 

 

We live in a love-freak culture don't we?

 

When you get it (or think you got it) you can't live with it. When you don't have it, you can't live without it either.

 

Either way is a major drama.

 

Wouldn't it be nice to find someone really attractive, single, with everything you're looking for, great sense of humor, who you can be yourself around with and a nice tight butt? Well yes.

 

Am I willing to invest a huge part of my energy, efforts and resources in the colosal quest of finding that person? Eerrrrrhhh, call me a selfish feminazi empty lazy biatch, but the answer is, not really.

 

When I was younger, it was probably my ultimate caprice to find my "blue prince" and it never happened.

 

I thought it was something you should leave to destiny perhaps, but I learnt the harsh way that:

 

- I was actually supposed to define first exactly what I was looking for,

- That I was supposed to define what I was willing to "invest"

- That settling is never a good idea

- That is O.K. to say "sorry, no" even when you know the other person is gonna feel rejected and disenchanted (Note for my inner attention ho: is not the end of the world if someone stops liking you, is not like you are losing something precious or anything really...)

 

To hear all that horror stories of love drama, jealousy, extreme passion, obsession, struggling for keeping no contact... just pisses me off. Like what's the point?

[Baby Carrot]

That's because "love songs" and the media in general foster the ridiculous notion that there is some "perfect love" out there that in reality does not exist. Never did. Never will. Don't believe the hype.

These are not only love songs. That messages are stuck in the cultural psyche.

[Batya33]

For me it's not about finding love but about finding a partner I want to marry and have children with. Love is part of the "essentials" in that kind of relationship but not in an abstract fantasy way - loving to me is giving and being inspired to give to that other person.

 

You can blame anything frustrating or negative in your own life on "society" or "the media" - to me that's a bit of a cop out.

[itsallgrand]

Love and sex. We all want it. Doesn't matter what culture.

 

But first, fry me up some chicken, will ya?

[fnlyfrei]

"I detest 'love lyrics.' I think one of the causes of bad mental health in the United States is that people have been raised on 'love lyrics." - Frank Zappa

 

"I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." - Rita Rudner

 

"Don't threaten me with love, Baby. Let's just go walking in the rain." - Billie Holiday

 

"Marriage is a fine institution - but I'm not ready for an institution." - Mae West

[Dako]

Love is ridiculous, especially when you're in it.

Sex is much the same.

[Baby Carrot]

"I detest 'love lyrics.' I think one of the causes of bad mental health in the United States is that people have been raised on 'love lyrics." - Frank Zappa

Woah, that's exactly my point.

[Baby Carrot]

Love is ridiculous, especially when you're in it.

Sex is much the same.

Urgh yes it is.

[lizziebee]

Finding love for me is different than having love find me. For instance, if I have a passion, a love if you will, to learn something new I go for it, jump in both feet. But I have always found that love has found me...when I least expected it.....

[RayKay]

I don't know, for me the point is not that "love" is your ultimate pursuit, but rather you should embrace love in all its forms as it enters your life. You should not be "chasing it" but rather keeping yourself open to it.

 

Love is not just love with your partner; but love with family, friends, pets, hobbies/passions, and self etc. Love is not supposed to be perfect, sometimes it hurts because it really affects us on our deepest levels.

 

Love, as a whole, makes life richer.

[WizardElement5]

Look, love is fun. Sex is fun. A man is not just a blue eyed Prince because the blue eyed Pince is the woman's own archetype, not the man. When you have a relationship with someone, they are everything, partly a blue eyed prince, but all the rest as well. Try to see the actual human being not just you own ideal. If your partner is no good, trade him in for a better model!!!

But basically, a relationship is about discovering the truth of the other person and learning to care for that actual truth, not just your own "in love" persona.

 

Really love is great, you can hang out together, enjoy doing stuff, or just chill. Exploring your partner physically, mentally and emotionally is fab. Enjoy it. It's good. Honest!!!

[Baby Jane]

It's funny, that so many people believe that love is all rainbows and candy...

 

This is especially true with the whole 'soul-mate' aspect, I mean common don't sell us those over-flaked pop tunes that don't even cut what love really is and what it's seen for..which when it comes down too it; Lust, Sex and Devotion.

 

Wrap that all together, and you get the whole package called 'love,' and all the binding emotions that goes along with it.

 

...my view anyways.

[doubleg137]

I have so given up on love. All love has done to me is make me not want to make it a part of my life anymore. I have had nothing to roughly two solid decades of soul-crushing failures when it comes to love. Nothing but pure unadulterated failures. I tried and tried and tried, and nothing but failures. I am probably a member of a slim majority that love cannot conquer.

 

My friends have tried to set me up, only to experience failures. They try to express to me the "joys" of being with someone. Their blather is falling on deaf ears. They can't get it through their thick noggins that I HAVE GIVEN UP.

 

 

I am through tripping over that rock. I will just take a different path free of rocks, or I will move the rocks out of the way. At 37 years old, I think that if it was going to happen.. it would have happened by now.

 

I am so utterly sick of being told "Wait until you have kids" I ask "With my non-existent wife or girlfriend?" These idiotic people blindly and ignorantly think that everyone finds someone. We all don't. I think that some people would have eaten a bullet by now if they had experienced the failures that I have had.

[Batya33]

I have two friends who barely dated till age 38 then fell in love and got married within a year, another who had several colossal failures, met her husband at age 37 and is now 39 and pregnant. I hope you don't give up because you are doing it out of anger, not out of a positive choice to be single.

[doubleg137]

I have thought it out seriously. All love has done for me is make me an angry person. I am much happier that I don't have to worry about hurting anyone, or anyone hurting me. I know the downside to that is that someone won't be there to love me, or I won't be there to love someone. Thats the choice I made.

[Batya33]

I think those are very nice sentiments. I think they are mostly useless if two people are trying to figure out how to give to each other in a way that reflects loving feelings. For that, you need to get down to the nitty gritty realities and complexities of the two individuals which is far more challenging - and rewarding - then repeating abstractions and time-worn cliches about what "love" is and "should" feel like.

[doubleg137]

I have just had way too many bad experiences to gamble on the next one being the one that is good. I thought that the next one would be good ten years ago. I don't think that way anymore. Im just going to live my life and make the most of it.

 

I tell my friends that, and they treat it like Im committing some kind of crime because I don't want anyone else in my life. Its not a crime. Its a choice.

[Batya33]

It's not a crime, it's just a shame that the choice comes from negative generalizations based on some bad experiences. My guess is that they would respect your choice more if it came from a positive place.

[doubleg137]

My decision is based on nothing but bad past experiences. If every experience has been bad, why continue with what causes the bad experiences? If you stick your hand in a rat trap and it breaks your finger every single time, why on earth would one want to even approach a rat trap ever again? It may not break your finger this time.. Snap!!! nope.. another broken finger !

 

Maybe no broken finger this time? SNAP!!!! another broken finger... ouch.

 

Here comes another one.. it won't break my finger this time.. SNAP!! Dang it!!

 

Wait.. here comes another one.. not this time.. it won't happen this time, not this time.. this time its it, its not going to break my finger....

SNAP!!!!!!!

 

SNAP!!!!!!!

 

SNAP!!!!!!!

 

SNAP!!!!!!!

 

Fast forward a number of years....

 

Whoa!!! Here comes another trap.... not this time. I'm not going near it, not another trap, not ever again. thereforeeee... no broken finger ever again.

 

This is my choice. A choice that I have to live with. I may regret it in about 50 years when Im approaching 90 years old and have had nobody around to have shared a life with. I don't think I will though.

[Batya33]

That's beause I'm not referring to any one specific situation, or any one individual, but rather a general attitude that anyone can adopt to let real love into their lives. It is real and it does exist, it's just that personal pain and fear will tend to cause one to keep it at a safe distance.

 

I do not agree that that general "attitude" will "let love into your life." Sounds passive and generalized to me. In my opinion you let love into your life by giving of yourself to others and particularly giving in the way those others need you to give. For example, if a sick friend doesn't want visitors, you figure out another way to help her or her family.

 

Love is much more about the nitty gritty, than about abstractions, hearts and flowers - because most people need specific ways to act in a loving way or to be open to others' loving actions in order to change their behavior if they are not acting in a loving way.

 

The other stuff is lovely poetry, sentiments, sweet, etc but mostly useless if the goal is to guide others to a life that has loving relationships. To say that someone who is "ready" to let love in will find it - well, what does "ready" mean? Is it a passive state of readiness, or does it require actions such as - becoming a better listener/reader of body language/getting out of your comfort zone by interacting with people you wouldn't normally, doing community service, going to a religious service, etc.

 

It's easy to talk about cliches, platitudes and time-worn statements about "true love" and "pain" and "fear" but that isn't what ultimately helps people who might need a little "push" to become more open to letting love in.

[Batya33]

I think the trick here is that the common denominator in each of these experiences is .. . . you and if you are up to the challenge you will evaluate whether that has anything to do with why these experiences were negative- maybe not but it is better than your negative mindset and your decisions based on that mindset, in my opninion.

[caro33]

Yes, dogheadma while I see there is value in the sorts of things you are saying about love I do agree with Batya that it comes accross as platitudes if that's all people think it takes for them to find happiness in a relationship.

 

Some of the statements also would imply that someone who is having doubts or difficulties of some kind isn't experiencing "real love", a concept which I find kind of offensive. Real LIFE does involve some compromise, and sometimes there is conflict. Love sometimes does hurt, or at least the acting of loving someone can lead to hurt of some kind.

 

I agree with the statements when they are used to give people hope, or to get people to change a mindset that keeps them in an intolerable situation.

 

But there are grey areas, there are the people like me who when experiencing doubt need to know that's okay. There are those who for some reason keep having bad experiences who might do to look to themselves for the decisions that they have taken to date. They might think they were open to love, but what does that mean in an operational sense? I am repeating Batya now, and not very well.

 

I don't mean to attack you dogheadma, not at all. I am getting wrapped up in debate here, and I hope you will indulge me. My point is that "love" and people's experiences of it are so multi-dimensional, so wired into past experiences, personality types, attitudes and luck, that I would think that the ideal type you write of sounds vaguely mystical and quite frankly, unattainable for most adults. If I felt damaged by my past relationships and lacked faith I that I would find love, the ideal type would depress me no end.

[Batya33]

Let's agree to disagree on the usefulness of writing about abstract notions of "love" in a post that concerns whether it is worth it to have a loving relationship. When I read your post I see a lot of mutisyllabic cliches and truisms. What I agree with is that everyone's situation is different, but I believe in getting "real" when discussing emotional feelings so that the person I communicate to can understand, rather than conveying broad brush abstract cliches that try hard to sound "deep" but don't really guide the listener in what actions to take to find a healthy, loving relationship. Your post wouldn't motivate me to find love if I wasn't otherwise motivated - to the contrary, it would make it seem even less accessible because of all the verbage. Basically all you really said - all it boils down to is something like "Loving is giving" or maybe "Loving is giving or being inspired to give." Fewer words, more pointed thus more helpful for someone negative on finding love. Just my humble opinion.

[doubleg137]

I don't agree with you. I just think that love isn't for me, or else I might have had, at the very least, one success in the past two decades of trying. I have worked hard at it. Harder than getting a college degree, harder than anything. Yet I have met with nothing but utter soul crushing failure that would have driven most people to drink or commit suicide. Thats why I have given up on it. If you have seen even one tenth of the soul crushing failures that I have had, you would have given up as well.

 

I was at a charity benefit a couple months ago, where I met a young lady who was running one of the counters for a raffle drawing. I chatted with her over the items on the counter, and made a couple jokes in conversation. I returned a couple of times while trying decide what items were best to put the raffle tickets I had purchased. In what was a baffling move, she had taken it upon herself to ask me out for coffee for the next day or so, "to get to know each other better" as she said. I had to refuse. I couldn't even hazard a guess as to why she asked me. I showed no interest in her, and I wasn't rude. I was just being myself. I just talked the way I talk with everyone in everyday life. Who could know why she asked?

 

I refused because I am not going to even take the chance for another failure. Not one more. I think it would also be overly selfish of me to have accepted a date offer from her. Had I accepted, who's to say that I wouldn't have taken her away from someone that could have been her husband, someone who could have shared a happy life with? After all the failures that I have had, that could never ever be me.

[Weeblie]

In what was a baffling move, she had taken it upon herself to ask me out for coffee for the next day or so, "to get to know each other better" as she said. I had to refuse. I couldn't even hazard a guess as to why she asked me. I showed no interest in her, and I wasn't rude. I was just being myself. I just talked the way I talk with everyone in everyday life. Who could know why she asked?

 

When someone asks someone out, it means they're interested in the other person. So yeah you knew why she asked you out.

 

I refused because I am not going to even take the chance for another failure. Not one more. I think it would also be overly selfish of me to have accepted a date offer from her. Had I accepted, who's to say that I wouldn't have taken her away from someone that could have been her husband, someone who could have shared a happy life with? After all the failures that I have had, that could never ever be me.

 

I understand that some people enjoy being alone and have no room for things like marriages and relationships. But your posts sound like you're full of fear. That being alone isn't something you'd have chosen if past circumstances were better. Are you happy with this choice?