No sex...ever

[caro33]

yeah, that is why I am asking for the source. can you point us to a law on the books?

 

We posted at much the same time, didn't see yours. You're not asking me to point to stuff I assume annie, I am an ignoramus when it comes to facts.

[annie24]

lol, no, I was asking mcgyver to point us to where it says you must have consummated to be married. as far as I know, once you sign the marriage licsense and the priest/judge/whoever does his/her bit, you are married. like dako pointed out, you don't get asked to fill out another document later on after the wedding night. (I read another statistic that only about 60% of couples have sex on their wedding night).

[caro33]

If you think that perhaps you are sexual on some level but are afraid of what that means, just relax a while. Try not to make grand statements about the rest of your life at this stage. I promise you that no matter how afraid, uncomfortable or vulnerable you feel right now, that won't stick around. Your perspective will change, you will meet people who fit you and where you are in life, It doesn't have to be for ages though, take your time.

 

I just had a scan of the forum quietgrl linked to, and I must say I am surprised. There are a bunch of people with a (sometimes high) sex drive who see themselves as asexual, which I assume must mean that they don't want sex with anyone else but themselves. This intrigues me. I can see how it would work as a result of physical/emotional issues but not as a straight out preference case.

 

So I guess in the above I was assuming that if you felt the urge at all that you could eventually move past the issue about the physical proximity with someone else, but maybe that's not the case.

 

I still think that you might want to give yourself a break in the meantime though - have a look at what's at the root of this preference and give yourself some wriggle room to decide things differently later.

[caro33]

lol, no, I was asking mcgyver to point us to where it says you must have consummated to be married. as far as I know, once you sign the marriage licsense and the priest/judge/whoever does his/her bit, you are married. like dako pointed out, you don't get asked to fill out another document later on after the wedding night. (I read another statistic that only about 60% of couples have sex on their wedding night).

 

So the wedding night bedroom video we took didn't need to be mailed to the births, death and marriages people after all?

[annie24]

i am sure it is all over the internet by now

[Dako]

I thought eveyone laid there on the first night wondering if they made a mistake.

[caro33]

I thought eveyone laid there on the first night wondering if they made a mistake.

 

I was buzzing around in a nervous post-party state while husband snored...I think sex was the last thing on our minds that night!

[MacGyverRI]

It's all over the world;

 

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In the United States legal system, there have been Supreme Court rulings that a marriage could be declared null and void if it had not been consummated.

 

 

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At-Fault Divorce - This type of divorce occurs when one spouse sues for divorce due to the transgressions of the other. Grounds for at-fault divorce include cruelty (inflicting needless physical or emotional pain), adultery, abandonment, lengthy imprisonment, and inability or unwillingness to consummate marriage. Not all states offer at-fault divorce. In those that do, the spouse that can prove fault may be awarded a greater portion of community property or larger alimony payments.

 

Non-Consummation of the Marriage - This refers to the refusal or inability of one party to engage in sexual intercourse with the other once married.

 

 

Marriage is a personal relation arising out of a civil contract between a man and a woman, to which the consent of the parties capable of making that contract is necessary. Consent alone does not sonstitute marriage. Consent must be followed by the issuance of a license and solemnization as authorized by this division, except as provided by Section 425 and Part 4 (commencing with Section 500).

California Family Code Section 300

 

 

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California penal code;

Adults Capability to consent and consummate marriage

 

An unmarried male of the age of 18 years or older, and an unmarried female of the age of 18 years or older, and not otherwise disqualified, are capable of consenting to and consummating marriage.

California Family Code Section 301

 

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Incapacity: Incapacity means a spouse was and continues to be physically unable to consummate the marriage.

[Dako]

Mac,

Interesting.

I see a distinction between consumation as grounds for a complaint by an aggrieved spouse in a divorce or anullment, and the recognition of a marriage by the state. If a couple chooses to be in a sexless marriage, the state would have no legal interest. It would only be an issue if the couple weren't in tune on the arrangement, just as if only one wanted children, and it created a reason to split.

 

I dunno.

[rikka]

I believe that in the "eyes of the Catholic Church" a marriage is not actually validated until it is consummated. But that is the only one I know of for sure. This is purely a sacred distinction of course, in the relm of civil law, once the certificate has been signed you are technically married.

 

I kind of checked out MacGyvers links, but I didn't have time to read them all.

[caro33]

Mac,

Interesting.

I see a distinction between consumation as grounds for a complaint by an aggrieved spouse in a divorce or anullment, and the recognition of a marriage by the state. If a couple chooses to be in a sexless marriage, the state would have no legal interest. It would only be an issue if the couple weren't in tune on the arrangement, just as if only one wanted children, and it created a reason to split.

 

I dunno.

 

 

I tend to agree. I checked Australian law and it's all good and legal as long as you are married by an appropriate authority with the right paperwork, and as long as the parties are not brother and sister, etc.

 

I also got this from an US source:

 

CONSUMMATION OF MARRIAGE - The first time that the husband and wife co-habit together, i.e. engage in intercourse, after the ceremony of marriage has been performed, is thus called.

 

The marriage, when otherwise legal, is complete without this; for it is a maxim of law, borrowed from the civil, law, that consensus, non concubitus, facit nuptias.

 

I looked this up, it means "consent, not cohabitation, makes the marriage", and it's taken from English civil law.

 

So while people, and I believe the church, see consummation as the actualisation of a marriage, where sexual intercourse is required to consummate a marriage, it does not lessen the legal contract.

 

I presume the slightly inconsistent means by which a lack of consummation provides better for annulment is a hangover from more traditionalist views that marriage is all about procreation, so if you don't boink there is no real reason to marry. It's a "false advertising" clause that better enables the sexually interested one to get out.

 

So you are just as married as someone else if you marry and never have sex, but there is a greater chance that any divorce will be easier to complete.

[Kevin T]

I believe that in the "eyes of the Catholic Church" a marriage is not actually validated until it is consummated. But that is the only one I know of for sure. This is purely a sacred distinction of course, in the relm of civil law, once the certificate has been signed you are technically married.

 

I kind of checked out MacGyvers links, but I didn't have time to read them all.

 

That is correct. Unless they've changed their tradition (which they basically never do), that is the Church's official position on the matter.

[Dako]

So there it is. The state allows for no sex, and the Catholic church demands it.

[renaissancewoman101]

After reading all this, I'm glad I'm not married.

 

The semantics of it. Geez!!!!

[candy604]

huh? but sex is made for a man and women to share within the marriage.

[candy604]

i think you just need to find that special someone for marriage and you'll probably change your view.

[arwen]

I don't agree with this in fact. I dated a guy who was asexual, and I think what you describe could fit that definition. People would always comment that 'he would change his mind', but that didn't happen. He had a gf before me, in LDR so he 'didn't HAVE to sleep with her so often'. The fact that he used the words 'have to' is indicative of this. For him, also when with me, sex felt like a chore, like something men should enjoy. But something was definitely off with it, I could sense that he didn't feel that intimacy the way it felt for me.

 

Girl, there is NOTHING wrong with you. Being asexual or nonlibidoist as it is sometimes called is in fact more normal than you might think. The whole present day world is so focussed on sex, that it seems that every human being is either hetero, homo or bisexual. But what we often don't notice is that there is a good 1% of the population that has no interest in sex whatsoever. Why we are not aware of that? Well, NOT being sexually active or interested in sexual activity is not something you would notice that soon. Some people are single and happy being that way-- we wouldn't necessarily conclude they are not looking for an intimate relationship. And it's not that asexual people can NOT fall in love- the sexual part of attraction is just not part of that. My ex was certainly in love with me, our relationship had all the good ingredients except the physical intimacy. There WAS intimacy that went beyond a normal friendship though. But not physical.

 

I can't tell you if you are asexual, but I really think that the following website will help you:

 

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I found a LOT of information there that helped me gain insight about my ex. He is still a friend of mine. When we decided to break up, he told me that if he couldn't even be with me, it would be impossible for him to have a relationship. So he is just a happy single who is hoping to meet a girl that he can have a not-sexual relationship with. I know this seems weird in the light of how MOST people have relationships, but he does want a relationship. Like homosexuals have relationships with homosexually oriented (or bi) people, asexual people would fit best with asexual people of the preferred gender (as I read from many of the stories on that website, people with no interest in sex do have gender preference- asexuals are not homosexuals in a closet or something like that).

 

Anyway. I hope this helped you and gave a different perspective. My apologies if I got the wrong impression of your message. If you want to exchange some more things about this- feel free to send me a pm

 

Arwen

[annie24]

Thanks for those links mac! interesting!

 

Mac,

Interesting.

I see a distinction between consumation as grounds for a complaint by an aggrieved spouse in a divorce or anullment, and the recognition of a marriage by the state. If a couple chooses to be in a sexless marriage, the state would have no legal interest. It would only be an issue if the couple weren't in tune on the arrangement, just as if only one wanted children, and it created a reason to split.

 

yeah, this is the way I see it also. If the couple chooses to remain in a sexless marriage, then that is their own choice, but if they haven't consumated it yet, it would just make it simpler to spilt and they could have the marriage declared void. If one or both of them have a physical problem where they can't have sex, but they are still devoted to each other, I don't think it is fair to them to say that they are any "less married" than other couples out there.

 

As for the catholic church, I was reading in one of your links that some priests do not count sex with contraceptives as "consummation."

[Deviant_Kate]

Never say never. Sex, when it's right (and sometimes even when it isn't), is great, and I hope you don't cut yourself off from the possibility. I wish all teenagers were smart enough to be abstinant, but if you're a healthy happy adult, there's no reason to deny yourself the pleasure, and in a good relationship, sex adds to the intimacy and the emotional connection.

 

Don't ever have sex if you don't want to, but if you find yourself wanting to, remind yourself that it's healthy, it's normal, and it's fun!

[Deviant_Kate]

(I read another statistic that only about 60% of couples have sex on their wedding night).

 

I'm not terribly surprised. In this day and age, most people have had sex with their spouse before the wedding, so there's no psychotic rush to have sex for the first time, and I imagine a wedding takes a lot out of you, energy wise. If I had a long exhausting day, I would rather spoon than fork...

[smilelikeyoumeanit]

Thank you for all your help and comments, everything is apprecitated. There was alot of talk about asexuality and after reading the definitons it is definatley not what I am, but thank you again for the help on that matter. I do have sexual desires towards the opposite sex, I just repress them and never act on them, and I feel like I should do this the entierty of my life. While I do realize that I am young and my opinions could easily change towards this matter, this is how I currently feel. I don't think i'm doing a very good job of explaning it, but sex just seems wrong... even if I do want to have it, and i don't know why I feel this way, but I do...

[caro33]

Fair enough smile, as long as you are comfortable in whatever you choose you'll be right. The range of views you've seen, and the weblinks, show that there's a full spectrum of possibility there - you're in there somewhere, and whatever you are feeling will be "normal" to a number of people.

[Northalius]

This is just my view on it:

 

I never liked using the word "sex" because it felt like "just physical, shallow, lust" rather than having true emotions in it.

 

I always like saying "make love", because I'd only do it to someone I do truly love. The word sex just seems too shallow.

 

Maybe that's why you think you'll never do it? You have a negative view of what it is.

 

Doing it to "get your rocks off" and then on the other hand "out of love for your partner, to truly be one with them; to please them so much, and accept their love for you in return by them pleasing you, as well; with your heart fully set upon them" are two extremely different things.

 

I think you'll just learn this in time, and not to worry about it.

 

To be honest, I really wish every girl was like you; many'd then wait 'til they matured, not just physically, but emotionally, to make love to someone they're truly commited to!

 

Today, however, it seems like virginity is viewed as something that is not sacred; I personally think it's an extremely important part in the emotional basis of a person! Who they lose their virginity to, has a big impact on them.

[holyohio]

If you dont ever want to have sex, there is no purpose for you to get married (it would be hard to find someone who wants to have kids, but no sex), so no worries about having to get married!

[annie24]

Thank you for all your help and comments, everything is apprecitated. There was alot of talk about asexuality and after reading the definitons it is definatley not what I am, but thank you again for the help on that matter. I do have sexual desires towards the opposite sex, I just repress them and never act on them, and I feel like I should do this the entierty of my life. While I do realize that I am young and my opinions could easily change towards this matter, this is how I currently feel. I don't think i'm doing a very good job of explaning it, but sex just seems wrong... even if I do want to have it, and i don't know why I feel this way, but I do...

 

it's ok, there is no rush to jump into full blown sex. just enjoy, get to know the person slowly, go at the pace you are comfortable at. you may find yourself being more sexually attracted to some guys than others. don't force yourself to move too quickly. just try to be ok with whatever stage you are at. baby steps. if the guy loves you, he will respect your boundaries. if he doesn't, then you have an automatic "screeing test."