Would you date a player? feel so confused...

[Lily04]

I realized this is why I'm so hesitant to date this guy... he seems like a player. Although we have amazing chemistry, get along great, there's definitely physical & intellectual attraction...I get the sense that he really wants sex and I'm not sure I see this as a long-term thing. Hard to say at this point. I can tell he'd want to move fast though since there is this sexual attraction between us.

 

Note that I am a virgin and a bit more conservative about sex in that I want to wait until I'm comfortable with the guy and there is a trust between us. I still feel wary about the whole 'trust' issue.

 

If anyone cares why, first he blew off our plans yesterday for meeting....he was supposed to get back to me about a time to meet since he was studying with a friend yesterday, he never did. I took that as standing me up in a way. Then he goes on MSN late last night, messages me like 'hey -- how was your day?" I proceeded to give him a hard time like 'good thing you have a cell phone, you should learn how to use it' type of thing. But I still like him. He seems like a player though because his profile on Facebook says he's single and looking for "random play" and his status on Facebook before he messaged me was "browsing lavalife (for theurepeutic purposes only)". Like yeah, very clever but don't give me that BS when you broke our date. So you get the sense that he's very "confident" in the least.

 

Anyway... he said he was really sorry, got studying with a friend (sorta lame excuse) but he wanted to meet me today and he'd make it up (by studying in the law library, if any of you have been reading past posts of mine you'll know what that means...) I was like "yeah I'll see if I can find your phone number tomorrow. ciao." I have not yet called him.

 

I really like him, but am a bit scared. We have this tension going which is great, but....maybe he's just doing it to amplify sexual tension? I don't know. I want to date him but I'm scared he just wants to use me for sex.

 

Any thoughts/opinions would be much appreciated with this. I just feel conflicted because I would even love to have sex with him, but I don't want to get hurt.

 

Additionally, there is another great guy who asked me out but we're going to go out after exams are done. I can potentially see that as being long term..but we haven't started dating yet. He's just really genuine and nice, intelligent and good-looking too.....but maybe not the same sexual chemistry as of yet.

[robowarrior]

There is a great way, just say to him, no sex until you are married, if a guy really loves you he'd be willing to wait, if he then backs off, you know he'll only wanted sex.

[rocio]

There is a great way, just say to him, no sex until you are married, if a guy really loves you he'd be willing to wait, if he then backs off, you know he'll only wanted sex.

 

Just because he's not willing to wait for marriage to have sex doesn't mean he "only wanted sex".

[Lily04]

Exactly. I don't need to wait until marriage to have sex, I'm fine with it before, but I just need to make sure I trust him....

[annie24]

all I know is if a guy blew me off for a date without a phone call (especially a first date!!!!), that would be it. I'd be done with him (unless he had a REALLY good excuse, like he had to take his sister to the hospital or he was in a car accident...)

 

NEXT!

[Lily04]

yeah. well he said we didn't really have a time set, so it wasn't technically a 'date' i guess... we were just going to hang out when he was done studying. But he was supposed to messaeg me about a time to meet, which he didn't. And he could have called, I was pissed off about that. And the way he handled it so confidently....he did apologize and such, but sorta crapy reasons ("I was studying with a friend, not on campus...")

 

whatever, I bet he was probably having sex with that 'friend' on his off-time as well.

[annie24]

yeah, that doesn't really work for me. like you said, how hard would it have been for him to call you for 1 minute from the library? answer: not hard! I think if a guy is really into a girl, he isn't going to stand her up like that.

 

blah. forget him. focus on the more reliable guys right now. I think your radar is right, he does sound like a player.

[notsomuch]

Run, run as fast as you can!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

you really do have to take people at their word... first, you had a date, and he didn't even bother to call or text that he couldn't make it... in today's cell phone world, that is really inconsiderate at best, and at worst, maybe he hooked up with someone more interesting to him (or an easier mark) so he was on an date and hence couldn't call you.

 

second, his myspace says he wants 'random play...' that's just means he wants sex with no strings attached, randomly, probably with lots of girls...

 

so if you are a virgin and having sex means something more to you than just 'random play', then i think this guy is a really bad choice for you to date, and probably has about a 95% chance of breaking your heart because he is not reliable, and not interested in a realtionship.

[Lily04]

Hey,

 

Thanks so much. I should go with my gut feeling with this one, and I think that's it. I just needed some confirmation from others as well... thanks guys. He is dropped.

[Batya33]

yeah. well he said we didn't really have a time set, so it wasn't technically a 'date' i guess... we were just going to hang out when he was done studying. But he was supposed to messaeg me about a time to meet, which he didn't. And he could have called, I was pissed off about that. And the way he handled it so confidently....he did apologize and such, but sorta crapy reasons ("I was studying with a friend, not on campus...")

 

whatever, I bet he was probably having sex with that 'friend' on his off-time as well.

 

I try to avoid "hanging out" with someone I have only been out with once or twice because it might send the wrong message - that I am ok with just being friends, that he doesn't need to put in effort to plan an activity, that I am available with little advance notice just to hang out, etc.

[Lily04]

I try to avoid "hanging out" with someone I have only been out with once or twice because it might send the wrong message - that I am ok with just being friends, that he doesn't need to put in effort to plan an activity, that I am available with little advance notice just to hang out, etc.

 

Maybe. But if he still really liked me, he could have at least called... he said he couldn't 'cause he was with a friend....well then maybe that friend meant more.

[Lily04]

hmm. I feel sorta bad. I think I just overcontemplate things. I think he was playing games though, and so was I, there was too much hot/cold, etc. going on (as referenced in my previous post) and it just turned into this, unfortunately. oh well. Time to move on I guess.

[annie24]

you know, I am very unforgiving when it comes to cancelling a first date. A guy once e-mailed me in the morning saying sorry, but that he wanted to reschedule our date for that night because him and his friends decided to go out of town at the last minute. I told him, he didn't get a second chance. I don't know, to me, it is rude... it is saying that he is not so interested in getting to know me.

 

and your guy didn't even have a semi-legitamate excuse. yeah, i think it is bad manners to say the least. guys who are flakey in the beginning, that is foreshadowing where the relationship is going. It's not like he's going to turn into the perfect gentleman later on. usually, they continue this behavior later on, because they know that you don't mind if they cancel dates or don't bother to show up, they know you will keep seeing them and they treat you with less respect.....

 

i say, forget him.

[Lily04]

True. This was going to be our 2nd date I guess...although as another poster mentioned a term more ambiguous than 'date' may be more suitable, as we hadn't really planned anything in advance. I asked if he wanted to meet to do something to relax...as i was totally stressed with exams and wanted to do something to destress. he was like yeah... he'll msg. me that night with a time, since he's studying with friends the next day and not sure about his schedule yet.

 

but he didn't....and then even today when I didn't call him (he proposed studying together, i said i might get back to him), he could have called and asked what's up with that. the fact that he didn't put in the effort shows I think.....I have a hunch that at least one of the friends he has to meet for dinner/studying, whatever, is perhaps more than that. so he had to study with a friend and couldn't call me.....he doesn't have study breaks??! lame. so yeah...

 

I guess I like him enough that I'd still like to stay friends esp. since we know some of the same people at work, etc. but like... maybe it's best to just delete him from MSN altogether so I don't think of him. I deleted him before as well though lol. Flakiness all around...

[annie24]

yeah, I would delete his info and try to forget about him. my experiene with guys such as these, they sound not so interested. and you deserve someone who IS interested, and does things like... call or text when they say they will.

 

oh yes, in the future, I would insist on making plans in advance. if a guys says, I'll call you tomorrow and we can hang out then. no, don't go with that. say to him, "well, I don't know if I will be available to talk tomorrow afternoon. let's decide a time and place now."

 

I have been in that situation so many times, where it is 6 PM on saturday night and I am wondering if the date is still on or not. it is not a good way to feel, I swear in the future, I will insist on plans .....

[blender]

He's a player.. he is.. saying "let's meet" and then not following through with a call, and then a latenight msn message?? ugh.. he's not worthy of your precious heart, sure he's attractive, there is chemistry, this is always the case with a player, each girl they speak to "feels special in the moment" and then once you date them and the newness wears off, they are on there merry way... and these are the toughest guys to get over once you get involved because they are soooo good at the "start" of a relationship. so charming, so sweet, so loving, so easy to explain why they didn't call.. etc...

 

Protect your heart, save it for someone who has the respect to follow through with a call when tentative plans have been made, heck if he's doing this at the start..well he's a player all right..

 

Most guys who are willing to make an intentional effort to win a girl's heart, make sure to call, follow through and be there on time... that is what you deserve.. let him go.. let him feel you are the one that gotta away... thank god...

[Lily04]

Thanks blender. Totally on cue.

[Lily04]

hey,

 

I just wanted to ask -- I have a feeling he will follow up after this tomorrow -- i.e. say something like "ok, now we're even (since I broke off our plans today) and we should really meet now."

 

I want to be completely honest and say "honestly I think you're a player -- I don't want to just be used for sex, but have fun looking for that special person! it won't be me"

 

type of thing. do you think that's ok? I am making that assumption and he'll likely deny it....if I say 'let's just be friends' we both know that's not possible though, and he'll be like "right, keep dreaming". I don't know. Maybe the best way to deal with this is just to say I'm not really ready to date right now, and I don't really trust him either. So I think it'd be better to just be friends.

 

I'm not even sure I want to just be friends though....I have a feeling he will want to be more (aka ***-buddies that's all he really wants from this, anyway) and keep persisting to turn it into that.

[Lion-Guy]

Lilly, you can do better. I would either call him out on being a player or just erase his number and move on. There are many other good looking guys out there for you. Don't settle for some one that cancels a first date. If a guy really likes you, he won't cancel.

[Lily04]

Thanks. I know... I'm going out with another guy next week actually, that's one of my work colleagues (i work at a probono law clinic, he's also a law student.) that's why I wanted to treat this a bit sensitively....he doesn't work there anymore, he's graduating law school this semester, so he's done but he's worked there for 3 years, and friends with everyone there. I'm somewhat new so I just don't want bad word to get around either I guess... if there's any way of that happening. i.e. if I say I'm not ready to date (a lie) and then he sees I'm dating this other guy only a few days later he may get pissed and say/do something. but who knows, I'm probably making assumptions. he may not even contact me again. for now I'll just delete/block him from MSN again, and hopefully he doesn't contact me via Facebook.

[Lion-Guy]

Smart Lily04. Sounds like you have your head on your shoulders. Just wish there were more woman out there with smarts like this.

[annie24]

yeah, what I have said to a guy before that cancelled on a first date was just, "well, if you really wanted to meet up, you wouldn't have cancelled on me at the last minute, so I am not interested anymore."

[rosie76]

I agree with annie24. Don't add more drama to it than you have to or accuse him of being a player when he might just have felt differently about the whole thing than you did. Say what you know to be true on your side and leave it at that - that you were interested in seeing him again, but when he cancelled without telling you you lost interest. Keep it pleasant, I reckon - if he's a player you'll have dodged him and if he's not he'll know what not to do to the next girl. Good luck.

[RayKay]

I like annie and rosie's take on this.

 

I think there is no need to accuse him of being a player, when you really have no idea what his reasons were for ending it. Deciding you just are not interested does not make you a player...pretending you are, leading you on for sex, seeing other woman without being honest about it; well that makes you a player.

 

There is no need to make things dramatic or difficult; just let him know you are not interested in someone whom cancels on you last minute (or rather does not even tell you he is cancelling!) and move on.

 

My rule of thumb is people tend to make their best impressions early on in a relationship. If their "best" impressions involve cancelling on you without telling, and so on NOW, what happens when he gets more "comfortable"??!??!!