How stupid am I?

[ZIPPY]

My wife is a teacher. She stayed late at school last night to grade papers.

I was in the neighborhood so I stopped in to bring her a Starbucks coffee.

Guess what? Lights are out in her classroom and she doesn't answer her cell.

I go back an hour later and find the same. When she got home (5 hours after school ended) she said she graded over 300 papers. I didn't ask her about her lateness, but she volunteered that she had to turn away the custodian so she could work without interruption, that time had gotten away from her and that her cell phone was dead and was in the car. I thought that the number of details she gave me was puzzling, since I hadn't questioned why she was so late.

 

She went to the Verizon cell phone store yesterday on an errand. This morning she said she would be late tonight because she needs to go to a different Verizon cell phone store.

 

She has a history of going to work on weekends and then coming home saying that she didn't get anything done. I've never doubted this because she's easily distracted, but now the specter of suspicion is haunting me...

 

So the specter and I put together a list of suspicious behaviors -

My wife is dieting, buying new clothes, rushing to the mailbox to get the mail before me (which is a new behavior) and taking a long time to do errands.

 

One of our female friends had a long-term secret affair and several extended flirtations. My wife is her confidante and has told me that she thinks our

friend's marriage was actually strengthened by the experiences.

I told her that infidelity is a deal-breaker for me.

 

Cheaters lie about their cheating, and my wife knows that cheating would

end our marriage, so I don't think she's gonna open up if I try to start a conversation.

 

Any advice?

[m_darko]

 

Of course if your suspicion is wrong and she finds out, your toast.

I honestly feel that if one thinks thier signif other may be cheating, they usually are. That does not apply those who are ultra paranoid in nature.

Coming from what you described, I can sympathize with this suspicion.

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA ZIPPY! Great to have you here, although I am sorry you are joining us under these circumstances...

 

Well, first I would probably ask flat-out if anything is going on. Try the simple approach first even though you don't think it will work. Then ask if there is anything going on between you two that is on her mind, maybe lack of intimacy or something?

 

Depending on the outcome of that talk, maybe ask a detailed question about each instance of perceived infidelity from here on out. "I was in the neighborhood of the school around X PM and I wanted to bring you a Starbuck's latte. No one was there, where were you? I was worried." Then question her response...

 

If nothing is going on, perhaps she will initiate the question why you are asking such questions...

 

Start here and try not to get too far ahead of yourself...

[meantime]

I wonder how well you and your wife communicate. If my husband said he was at school for five hours and I knew for sure he was not there...are you too afraid to admit it to yourself? Are you too afraid to tell her that you actaully went by with coffee and she was not there? Even if she is not cheating (which I think she is) she lies to you. I guess I don't understand why you can not simply confront her and tell her you went to the school.

[chai714]

Continue to silently monitor her activities. You're justified in her behaviors arising suspicion. Go through the cell phone records. At night or when she's gone, check around to see if she has another cell phone (it's common practice to have 2 cell phones especially when a married person is cheating).

 

As a psychological tactic, you could mention to her that your co-worker has been staying late and having an affair. See how she reacts to this news. She may try to change the subject very quickly, which could indicate she's not being truthful with you. There are other ways to catch a liar but this is by far one of the easiest and most effective methods.

[amtjrtcet]

I would have said "I stopped by to bring you Starbucks but your classroom lights were off." Did you bring it up at all???

[Beec]

I would be asking questions and expecting to get good answers. And I would lock her into her story. If she is even just lying to you, something is seriously wrong.

[Day_Walker]

If you want to prove that she is cheating then you have to catch her in a lie. I would play the considerate husband card and stop by her classroom when she is grading papers to bring by some of her favorite food. Say that you were driving by "so and so" and you thought she might like some food so you wanted to take it to her. Pay close attention to her answer in this situation. If you have these feelings that she is cheating, and you feel they are justified then you are going to have to confront her but I would not do that until you have evidence or the illusion of evidence.

[blender]

Well, what is there to confront? You know she is lying.. and I guess the one approach you can take, (after you document everything) is to come from a point of "concern" on your part, like: 'honey, I'm concerned about you, you're behaving differently and I know you're not at school late, and that you are hiding something, I just hope you're okay, and you know you can tell me anything".

 

See, it's going to be tough for her to get "defensive" if you come from an angle of "concern about her" instead of a "yep, I caught you red handed" angle.. do you know what I mean?

 

I'm so sorry you even have to deal with this, but who knows what she is doing with her time, it could be innocent, but it might not be, and you can find the courage in yourself to love her enough to ask her if she is "okay".... and then see how she CHOOSES to answer you... be in a public place when you ask her, so she doesn't feel like she can "lose it" and also so you don't feel tempted to "lose it" if she tells something that really upsets you..

 

Whatever is going on, you will get through it, perhaps your marriage may not survive but YOU will.... I'd talk to her, the truth will set you free...

 

Let us know how you're doing... I'm so sorry this happening... but do NOT take it personally, because her actions say so much more about HER then they do about you... breathe, have courage, respect, and handle this with as much dignity and grace as you can muster up, considering the expected circumstance...

[standingby]

Okay...I like to always give benefit of the doubt (yes, I get screwed more than not). However, you described the life of an affective and overly worked and commited teacher to her students...not a wife who has found balance in working out a demanding job, relationship and/or family. In teaching, there are many crunch periods where lateness in gettiing home is common...you already know this. Many teachers vow not to bring their school work home. I found that I needed to bring work home because I had too much paperwork to remain at school. If a teacher has 175 students and hands out only one piece of paper she/he affective bought thyself a 175% return of investment.

 

You were very kind and considerate to bring her a latte. I am sorry if you did not meet up with her. Is this a recurring event? Ask her if you can help her grade so the two of you can have a "date". Maybe she would like your company at the school, even if it means you bring a book.

 

If you have suspicions then it means that you have had these for a while and multiple things are not adding up. Perhaps you could have a "relationship check" with her and see if you both are working together (or maybe, need to work on) as a couple.

 

Just a few thoughts.

[standingby]

Futhermore...just because her lights were off does not mean she was not at the school. Does she have teacher friends where she might be in their room. Did you check to see where her car was parked?

[doyathink]

Blender, that is good advise to take, I wish I would have thought of that approach years ago...

 

I learned that until you have solid proof, do not say a word. IF.....she is doing something...this is not proof and she will lie about it most likely and find better ways of covering her tracks if you bring this up now.

 

I also learned, as chai mentioned....you need to monitor her actions, phone records and things of this nature to get some solid proof. When you know she is out, maybe you could borrow a friends car or something and follow her....see where she really is and what she is doing.

 

No one likes to be a snoop, but under these circumstances, you have to find proof that either she is or isn't....and I really dont know any other way. If you do say anything, do as blender said and say it out of 'concern'.

 

*was her car parked outside the school when you went by?*

[ZIPPY]

Standingby wrote -

Futhermore...just because her lights were off does not mean she was not at the school.

 

I agree, standingby. My first thought was that there was an innocent explanation, but she said "It was just me and Yolanda, the cleaning woman, and I turned her away when she came to clean my classroom." So, she said she was in her classroom. Even though her room light was off, I could see well

enough by the hall lights to tell that no one was there. Her car was in the parking lot.

 

My guess is that she left the school with a male teacher. She talks about him all the time.

[kellbell]

Hey Zippy,

 

Things seem odd and suspicious indeed but until you solid proof your wife is cheating, I would not accuse of anything as of yet. Did you ask her about why the lights were turned off and that you had stopped by with coffee?

 

If not, I would ask her about it and when she was not there, that you were concerned. After all, you did try to call her on her cellphone and she did not answer. Ask her if the situation was reversed, how would she feel or what would go through her mind.

 

I would a keen eye on her for awhile. Things appear to be suspicious. I hope things are okay and keep us updated.

[HurleyBabe6917]

watch the movie UNFAITHFUL.

it may help you out a bit.

[sddeaston]

watch the movie UNFAITHFUL.

it may help you out a bit.

 

Ahh, good movie. Diane Lane makes it even better IMO

[HurleyBabe6917]

Ahh, good movie. Diane Lane makes it even better IMO

 

haha. it is a good movie.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

spouses who are cheating will lie, lie, lie when confronted with questions that ask if they are cheating, especially if they know that getting caught will guarantee a divorce. so asking her that directly most likely won't get you anywhere, and might just tip her off to the fact that you are noticing her odd behavior.

 

and the number one excuse used by cheaters is telling their spouses they are working when they are meeting their lovers... it seems odd that she just doesn't bring those papers home to grade, and spends a LOT of time hanging around school very late after hours... most teachers do NOT do that, they can prepare lessons and grade papers at home, so why sit around an empty school building when they can do that at home?

 

btw, there is a principle called 'too many details' that can be used to smoke out a lie... usually when someone is asked a question and they are not lying, they just state the answer without too much elaboration... but when lying, people have a natural tendency to realize you might not buy the lie, so they spice up the lie with extra (and usually extraneous) details and say more than a simple answer... so if she really was there and you missed her, a normal response would be something like, 'that's odd, i was there all night, when did you stop by?'

 

but your wife's explanation, '"It was just me and Yolanda, the cleaning woman, and I turned her away when she came to clean my classroom" really is throwing red herrings into the answer... why is she talking about the cleaning lady, and what does turning the cleaning lady away from her classroom has anything to do with anything, not related to your question at all, just an embellishment to try to buttress up a lie by throwing in some more lies that might distract you! and if she was there, and the cleaning lady was there, then the lights SHOULD have been on, becuase nobody works/cleans in the dark! so really, just 'too many details' and trying to distract you from the lie i think...

 

it honestly sounds like she is NOT where she says she is or doing what she says she is doing... unless she has some kind of shopping addiction and is spending her time at the mall and lying about it, i would wonder about cheating myself...

 

if cheating is non-negotiable for you, you might consider hiring a private detective to follow her next time she makes big excuses and disappears for a long time... would be very easy for them to do, just follow her out of school that evening and see where she goes...

 

i hope there is a good explanation other than cheating, and i think a private detective might be well worth the money spent to see what she is doing during all these absenses... might be innocent, might not...

[Rabican]

I vote that IF she is cheating, she will certainly lie about it. Anyone who can violate the most sacred trust of a marriage will not have any qualms about telling a few lies to cover it up. Now this could be innocent... Im not sure WHAT she might be doing, or up to given a few red flags... I usually think if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck its a DUCK. But id say find out more before you confront her about anything. Dont go crazy just yet, but certainly keep an eye open. Try to take note of any odd behavior.

[yeawutever]

I agree with hiring a detective and also having a recorder at home. As to tell if she's cheating or not, it's unclear and almost all the time when someone in a marriage is cheating, they will lie and lie till the end when they are thrown with all evidence or caught red-handed in the act and have nothing more to say, they most lie to avoid financial costs of a divorce.

[Cadence308]

Do you have a computer at home where you could monitor her internet activities? Or perhaps go to the school when you know for sure she's not and download a key logger onto her school computer?

 

I think you have a good reason to suspect that your wife is cheating? Are there gaps in your marriage or have things been rocky between the two of you? Do you think it's possible that she is more than friends with that male teacher friend of hers?

[ZIPPY]

Thanks everyone for responding. To answer a few questions raised by previous posts -

 

seems odd that she just doesn't bring those papers home to grade

Yes, she normally brings them home and sits in the family room in front of the fire to grade them.

 

just 'too many details' and trying to distract you from the lie i think....

my thoughts exactly

 

Are there gaps in your marriage or have things been rocky between the two of you?

Parenting disagreements, otherwise not rocky.

 

*was her car parked outside the school when you went by?*

Yes, her car was there. I thought of waiting to see whether someone dropped her off, but a.) I was kind of stunned, b.) I don't really know how to hide and c.) It seemed creepy to do that.

 

Do you think it's possible that she is more than friends with that male teacher friend of hers?

Yes, I think it's likely. I hear a lot from my wife about his flirtations with another female teacher. She admires the male teacher, and I am now thinking her descriptions of the flirtations have a subtext of jealousy. Also, he rides a Harley and wears cowboy boots. My wife has been admiring his style and

criticising mine as not masculine enough.

 

Try to take note of any odd behavior.

She has been waking up in the small hours of the morning and going to the computer.

When we pay bills, we staple the paper copies together, write the paid date,

and file them. Her cell phone bills are missing.

She says she has to do x on a given night or weekend. When the time comes and she doesn't go do x and I ask her about it, her answers are vague or dismissive. Failed rendezvous?

 

Do you have a computer at home where you could monitor her internet activities?

Yes. I don't think she would use her school computer. I know how to set up a logger at home, but I'm not sure I'm ready to do that. It seems creepy.

 

Last night she was talking about how tired she was from grading all the papers. I asked her if she was scared working in her room alone and

she said she could "hear Yolanda moving around, so it wasn't too bad". She said she was really focused and graded over 250 papers. None of it adds up. She can't grade in the dark, and even with the lights on, she couldn't have graded more than 80 to 100 papers.

 

Last night she fell asleep by 8 pm and then woke in the night again and went to the computer. She tossed and turned in the bed after she came back.

 

This is really sickening me. My instincts tell me that she's probably cheating.

We're planning to fly 1500 miles to visit my family over Christmas. I could talk

to her before then, but I'm pretty sure that things will get ugly, so I think I'm going to wait until after the holiday.

[doyathink]

Try to take note of any odd behavior.

She has been waking up in the small hours of the morning and going to the computer.

When we pay bills, we staple the paper copies together, write the paid date,

and file them. Her cell phone bills are missing.

She says she has to do x on a given night or weekend. When the time comes and she doesn't go do x and I ask her about it, her answers are vague or dismissive. Failed rendezvous?

 

 

This is troubling! Install a key logger, it may seem 'creepy' to you now, but I highly doubt it will after you see what she has been up to. So many signs are right here...It isnt right to convict her just yet....but it just seems so obvious.

 

It's probably better to wait till after the holidays...and I would find it really hard to keep my mouth shut, but it's for the best. You have never said whether or not the two of you have children together?

[n83]

You can go online to Verizon's website and pay your bill or view calls there.. That's how I check and pay my bill..

 

As for her using the computer, a logging program really isn't any creepier than what she's doing. I think if she's cheating, you should know this. I think you can have logger programs immediately uploaded to your computer, if you have enough $. That being said, if you do wait til after the holidays, it will be interesting to see how she acts during this time. If she disappears to use her phone, or things like that... Yeah, that's just one more bad sign.

[kellbell]

N83 is right,

 

You can go on your phone carrier's website and check your call logs there. I opted to stop getting paper bills in the mail and I get sent a text and notification via email about my bill and when it is due. I have Verizon. I also signed up with Verizon on-line and I can get my info there, as well as the call logs. I would check there.